When to stay and when to go. Relationships/friendships, anxiety.

Hello,

When should I stay or leave in a relationship/friendship?

How should I leave (cold cut or in person)? How can I keep myself away? How can I not let them back in? How can I know if they're hurting me? How can I deal with them telling people I'm the bad one for leaving?

How can I stay when I've had this panic and resolved it to be fine? How can I stay if the panicking continues? How can I stay if them hurting me could continue? How can I stay if they have hurt me but suggest to me I should get over it or be sympathetic to their internal suffering over how theyve hurt mebecause they're ill? my aunt striked her husband who was advised to "give her a chance." - he stayed).

 

Let's try this again:

How can I help myself when I spiral into the panic of "I'm going to be trapped, I won't be able to leave, ... I have to leave now"

With understanding that logic of "you can leave" isn't going to work in a. Minutes of panic and b. When there's a real potential they could manipulate me into staying (them threatening to blame me for their subsequent problems and could destroy me socially, them threatening to cut themselves with every intention to do so but lies to a doctor).

Thanks.

 

Thanks for your reply.

I think the thing that worries me also is if they ARE apologetic about it but the apology is more biased towards how it impacted them, the apology is a way to sneak in it was their illness "made them do it" (whether or not there's any truth in that) but they "take responsibility" (though not really as) "I should forgive them for what their illness made them do, I should sympathise that they're a victim of their abuse to me and of their condition so leaving them is not very nice.", or that they repetivily apologise with only immediate or little/no change ... Basically just "until the next time".

If they weren't apologetic then I could cut ties no sympathy and no one would blame me. But if they say the "right" things to tug at the more empathetic side of you/others then they can act like the victim of their behaviour if I leave (and manipulate others to see it this way to) rarther than people understanding my reasons for leaving the relationship (I. E. Their behaviour is abusive to me and I need to leave to maintain wellbeing and safety).

Its nice to know that someone else understands the feeling of being trapped though.

 

Aren't you doing the same to him though? Yes, you may take the personal responsibility, but you (and I assume the loved one) know is the bipolar that "may have caused it" and such you don't have to blame it on the bipolar, you just have a "little understanding" it could be that.

I'm not saying this you as yourself but I do worry that this is a situation I could end up in.

The person only taking "personal responsibility" so that morally I cannot leave as "I understand" it's/could be their illness.

Let's say you are being genuine in your apology. But the loved one is affected deeply by the action, it's affecting their mental/physical health. Even when they try not to, it does and they fear saying anything. Perhaps they have a mental illness themselves (say anxiety, unipolar depression) but they don't want to make excuses themselves. So then I'd be trapped.

So let me ask you, and by that I mean you so no means speak for anyone else. What would you do if a loved one said "actually, it's too much, I'm sorry, but I'm getting really affected by your behaviour and I've tried moving on but I don't want to risk snapping at you. I have to go." What then?