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When the past comes knocking

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jacob D, Oct 26, 2016.

  1. Jacob D

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    I'm not sure what I should do about something that happened 10 years ago. Back in high school I was a member of the school's alliance club where I met Brandon who was also in several of my classes as well. The club included members who were straight, gay or bisexual. Brandon and I were never best friends but we did get along and in my opinion became friends. He was more the intellectual type and I was more of the athletic type, but we had similar tastes in music and in films and we were the same age too. We got along well. He even came to some of my soccer games and I attended some of his band performances at school. In our history class we were paired up as partners on a world war two assignment. I think we had two or three weeks to work on it I can't remember exactly since it was a decade ago, I remember we worked on our project on the weekends because both of us were not able to work on it during the week days due to the fact we were too busy with other commitments. He slept at my house on those weekends where we worked on our assignment. Anyway long story short, he gave me several hand jobs and several blow jobs on those weekends. We never spoke about it and pretty much pretended like it never happened. We continued to be friends and both graduated together and went on to different colleges. After high school, he had several boyfriends and I had several girlfriends and we went on with our lives. We remained in touch throughout these years but we never spoke about what happened when we were both 15. To be honest none of what happened meant anything to me. We were young teenagers back then and I wrote it off as us being two young kids who were not thinking. I assumed it also meant nothing to him too. The past was the past as far as I was concerned. Well the past came knocking yesterday when I ran into Brandon at the mall, and he shocked me when he asked me if I remembered the weekends 10 years ago. We have kept in touch over the years and he never once brought the subject up until yesterday which really felt awkward. Of course I remembered those weekends. How do you forget something like that, especially since he was the first person to ever give me a blow job and also the first person to give me a hand job. I didn't start dating girls until I was 16 so yes I remembered those weekends. But why bring this stuff up a decade later? It felt so awkward that I brushed him off and told him I was pressed for time and couldn't chat. I felt bad about brushing him off because he really is a nice guy. I don't understand why after a decade he would bring the past up out of nowhere. I'm not ashamed of the past. It meant nothing to me. I never blamed him in my mind and never will. If anyone is to blame for the past it's me because I never stopped it and I let it happen. It doesnt really matter, it's the past and I don't regret it and it didn't change the friendship. I'm just confused why bring the past up now after all these years? What's the point? What do I do? Do I agree to talk to Brandon now that he's asked? Am I a shitty friend if I don't? What do I do?
     
  2. faustian1

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    First, if you're uncomfortable talking about it with him, then you shouldn't. Although...I think it would be empathetic to say so to him. In particular, it would be nice if you told him the memory makes you a bit uncomfortable (or however you actually feel about it).

    And second, he mentioned it because apparently it means more to him at this point than it does (or did) to you. For you, it was just something that happened, interesting at the time but devoid of any bigger meaning. It's possible that he had a crush on you at that time. Isn't that possible? Obviously, if so you didn't reciprocate that at the time.

    I don't see any reason to stop talking to him over this. I do realize you are uncomfortable with it. If you are very uncomfortable, then most likely you won't want to discuss the subject with him further. If you are simply disquieted by it, and might be willing to ask him how he is feeling about this today (as opposed to in the past), it might be a way to learn more about his feelings. It's quite OK to make clear that you don't want to take up where you left off, with respect to sexual activity.

    After all, you are friends. You shared a lot when you were 15. It's hardly unusual for young men to move on, and to draw back from their friends and concentrate on other relationships. In some cases (his, perhaps), some guys don't want to draw back that way. In some cases, this is because adult life hasn't measured up to what they expect it to be. If you otherwise like him, it would be a shame to have this old uncomfortable event degrade everything else. I guess the choice is, do you want to be a closer, more vulnerable (but not sexual) friend, or is that not something you can do now?
     
    #2 faustian1, Oct 26, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2016
  3. Jacob D

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    Hi Faustian1, Yes I do like the guy and do want to remain friends. I'm open to being a closer friend and feel that i do owe him the opportunity to finally discuss the past if it's important to him. Maybe you're right that it meant something to him and maybe you're right that maybe he had a crush but I was blind to these things. It's just felt awkward that he suddenly brought the past up. I wasn't expecting that but I will have to deal with it.
     
  4. faustian1

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    That sounds good to me. A long time ago, a guy I was good friends with had a crush on me, and eventually expressed an interest that I didn't handle all that well. I never resolved that, and I should have. Although things are bumpy sometimes, friends in general (as opposed to boyfriends, etc.) are pretty hard to find. After all this time, maybe you two can reach a mutual understanding about that time that works, and actually helps you be better friends in the present time.

    One way you might approach the subject is to bring up this website, since there are a lot threads on here about crushes and unrealistic expectations and how hurt people can be by their own emotions, and that you suddenly realized that this might have been much more important to him than it was to you, but that you are concerned about his feelings.
     
  5. robclem21

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    I agree that it is a little awkward, especially given the circumstances in which this was brought up. It seems like your reaction was normal though and it was more out of surprise/shock than anything else.

    I think he would appreciate an honest discussion about, which it seems like you would be okay with. I don't think you owe him the opportunity to talk about it, but if you're not averse to it, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to. Maybe start by saying you were caught off guard last time but if he want's to chat to let you know. That way he knows it's safe to do so.
     
  6. Jacob D

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    Hi Robclem21. Yeah you're correct that I was caught off guard and didn't respond well. I am okay with having an honest discussion with Brandon because not only is he a good guy but also because it appears that the past meant something to him, and I can respect that. I will let him know that it's okay for us to talk about what happened.
     
  7. JonSomebody

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    Well...let me give you a perspective from a gay man's point of view. There was this gay guy that I met while bartending at a gay club. The guy was nice and friendly but in all honesty...what I saw in him was a friendship of a platonic nature as opposed to anything of a boyfriend or intimate nature. Anyway, one night at an after party he asked me to dance with him and while on the crowded dance floor..he began to take things to a sexual nature by grinding and touching and even kissing. After dancing for quite a while and although the dance floor was really crowded...there were a few guys who witnessed our dirty dancing. Once taken a break from dancing...he grabbed me and started kissing me again. The club the after party took place was an old, very huge warehouse that had a lot of secret compartments to get intimate in. Nonetheless...he gave me a blow job and some frottage action and some kissing. This took place years ago and I had rarely seen him over recent years.

    Until recently, I ran into him this past Summer at a Gay Pride event. He approached me with a huge hug and some general conversation. Needless to say ... while chatting with him..he bought up that time when we dirty danced at that club and how he gave me a blow job in one of the secret compartments in that warehouse. He even went so far as to let me know how much he enjoyed it and thought about that night often over the years. I let him keep talking until he asked me about my thoughts on that particular evening and what was the chance of it happening again after all of this time.

    I responded in a nice way and told him that night did not come to my mind until our recent meeting and it was a fun night to say the least. However, in regards to that happening again is not something I am interested in at this time. However, I am very flattered that you still think of me in that way after all these years to want to take things further sexually as well as the night meaning so much to you. After that...I gave him a light kiss on the cheek and a hug and then offered to buy him a drink. Therefore, that is how I shut that down in a polite manner without being rude or making him feel bad.
     
  8. ABeautifulMind

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    I wouldnt suggest kissing him on the cheek though... might send the wrong message :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    All joking aside if he brought it up a decade later he almost certainly had a little crush on you at least... It would be one thing if you didnt see each other in that time and ran into each other... but for him to talk to you frequently but only just bring it up... Sounds like maybe he just went through a bad break up? or the exact opposite, hasnt had a date in a while? I could be wrong but that would be my guess.... Something has him thinking about past relationships, and while to you it wasnt a "relationship" to a gay guy, a crush where things get intimate like that, could easily be placed in the relationship column...

    Anyways, like everyone has said, just talk to him and let him know your straight but completely cool with him... Every gay guy has a crush on AT LEAST one straight guy in their life... it is almost a right of passage.... So dont worry about him, so long as your gentle he will be fine... Although dont be surprised if he avoids you for a short time afterward, to both make sure he doesnt allow any feelings for you AND because it will probably be a little awkward, though both will pass I am sure..

    No matter what I just want to say, its pretty cool of you to be so understanding as a straight guy... I honestly dont hear about too many straight guys being so ok with the possibility of one of their gay friends having a crush on them.... most of the time their macho bravado sensors go into overdrive and they get pissed... Its pretty cool your not :wink:
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    You never forget your first sexual experience. It doesn't matter if it was good, bad or indifferent - you just don't forget it. He was your first encounter with sex and you were most likely his, so the memories will always be there... for both of you.

    It's only when we move on and reflect upon past experience that things are put into some sort of context, and in this case the context is different for the two of you. Why? Because it was just an experience to you and didn't mean anything in the grand scheme. Since that weekend ten years ago you have gone on to have relationships with girls who presumably do satisfy your needs and desires as a straight man. What happened with Brandon didn't meet those needs, but allowed you to experiment and experience person to person sexual contact. It was a bit of fun, but you probably don't see it as your first real sexual experience. For Brandon, it's different though, because he is gay and you were probably the first guy to meet his real sexual needs and desires in any way. It meant more to him than it did to you. Does all of this make sense?

    I don't think you owe him an explanation, but you could at least tell him that you remember it, simply because it was your first experience. Beyond that, there is little to discuss because your lives have gone in different directions when it comes to sex and relationships. Yes, it was fun to experiment that one time, but it didn't fundamentally change things for you.

    Thanks for being a positive, straight ally. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Jacob D

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    Hi PatrickUk. Yes you do make sense. You mentioned several things that I never really thought of much ten years ago. I've called him and we plan to meet up on Saturday. Hopefully we will be able to have a good conversation about the past and maybe I'll have a better understanding of his perspective.

    Hi ABeautifulMind. You're probably right that he might of had a crush. I''ll find out on Saturday.

    Hi JonSomebody. I'm glad things worked out for you and I think you handled your situation in a polite manner that worked in your favor without offending him.
     
  11. Jacob D

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    Hey guys just wanted to let you know that Brandon and I met up for lunch on Saturday for lunch and it went well. What was supposed to be a one hour lunch turned in to a three hours of chat. We had a good time and had a chance to discuss the past. You guys were right that he had a crush on me during high school, yet i was clueless to that. Today it makes perfect sense but back then I was clueless. It doesn't bother me because it didn't change the friendship back then and it doesn't change anything today. He's long over the crush so it no longer matters. He seemed happy to know that I remembered the past and he was glad to hear that I enjoyed it and had no regrets. Meeting up for lunch was good for both of us and I think finally dealing with the past was a good thing for us both as well. We plan to spend more time together by meeting up for breakfast or lunch or dinner. Although we were never best friends in high school, we were friends nonetheless and now it looks like we will become closer friends.
     
  12. I'm gay

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    Great to hear! Who knows, that crush might just get rekindled.

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  13. faustian1

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    I'm really happy for your success. This reassures me that people can place the proper value on friendships from early in life, and that efforts to preserve those friendships can pay off. Most of us who are older realize how valuable these anchors can be.

    That you opened new channels of communications with your friend is even better. It's wonderful that you could share how you felt with each other.
     
  14. I'm gay

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    Jacob,

    Oops! I had originally read this thread prior to your update. When you posted your update I honestly didn't re-read the whole thread, and I completely misunderstood your last post, then posted something stupid. After re-reading this thread, no, I don't think his crush will be rekindled.

    I am glad to see that this worked out for you, though, and that the awkwardness is turning into a good friendship.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  15. Jacob D

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    Thanks Faustian1. Our friendship is stronger now. We now text each other daily.

    Hi Imgay47. Don't worry, you didn't post anything "stupid." I think the crush is long over according to him. Thanks for your reply.
     
  16. resu

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    IMO, there is a reason for everything people do, even if it is subconscious. Maybe he now feels comfortable bringing up a sensitive subject with you (overcoming the fear of losing the friendship). It's good you acknowledged what happened because to deny/ignore would not make it any less real.

    My only caution would be to not assume what he is thinking and just ask; there is always the potential he might fall for you again, but it is much less likely if he knows your boundaries.
     
  17. Jacob D

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    Hi Resu. I agree with you, there is a reason for everything people do. It's no longer a sensitive subject for Brandon or I. We dealt with it over that long lunch and I'm positive he knows he will never lose me as a friend. We text daily now and the friendship is stronger in my opinion. I'd rather he not fall for me again though. I'm not the right guy for him. He needs a guy that will love him emotionally and physically in the way he deserves. I can't. It doesn't matter because I doubt he'd ever crush on me again.
     
  18. Jacob D

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    Well guys it looks like a good friendship may come to an end, whether Brandon or I like it. Yesterday while we were eating at Subway we ran into Brandon's ex. I had heard all about the guy through Brandon and not much of it was really good. Anyway, today a rumor about me and Brandon being lovers started and its become frustrating and irritating for us both. Only one person could of started the rumor and I believe it was his ex. Brandon thinks it was also his ex who started it. Now Brandon thinks we should stop hanging out that much. I don't think that would change a single thing. I can't see that ending the rumor. The more we deny the rumor the more people will believe it. Both Brandon and I are single and so it only adds to the fire. It feels like a dead end.
     
  19. biguy94

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    Jacob D, don't allow his ex to cause unnecessary friction between you and your friend especially through rumors that aren't even true. Try and speak to Brandon on a one to one level and expain to him that although you understand he's annoyed and hurt by people getting the wrong impression through tittering and gossip that it's important to maintain a stand against the claims, as you have said you have both hashed out any past involvement and was able to move past it and continue a friendship then you have nothing to hide and nothing to even suggest you are romantically linked together when you aren't.

    Letting other people talk about things that aren't true might feel unempowering and not taking control, but you are taking control of the fact that you aren't letting other people ruin or interfere in a friendship/relationship that has nothing to with them and will most likely be chattering about somebody or something else once they're bored or fizzle out of interest in maintaining that piece of gossip. I'd explain all this to Brandon if possible, and also tell him to bear in mind that if he feels he wants to be friends with you still then that should be important above all else and that if this has truly bothered him try and ask what the specifics of it are that are making him want to fall back, is it that secretly he may be still garnering feelings for you and they may have intensified significantly since your recent lunch dates and coming back into each others life? I would really try and make him see though if he does only want a platonic friendship from you and to continue it not to let others murmurs ruin that, it will only give the ex what he wants who appears to sound somewhat jealous of his seeing of you both together. I hope it all works out! :slight_smile:
     
  20. Jacob D

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    Thank you biguy94. I won't allow his ex to cause friction. I think the ex is jealous or just plain unhappy with his own life. I have spoken to Brandon daily since the Subway episode, and we are still good friends. I'm happy about this and feel nothing will change that. The rumors or the gossip are things beyond our control and we accept that. Although we don't like it we are not going to let it destroy the friendship. People will talk for whatever reasons and spread rumors and gossip especially when it's an ex who starts it. We know the truth and that's what matters. You mentioned that maybe Brandon is garnering feelings for me and perhaps that is true or not and perhaps the ex picked up on that. Brandon told me not to worry over it because he said although he finds me physically attractive , he is not attracted to me emotionally. He knows I'm straight and I know he's gay. I have no problem with him thinking I'm attractive. It doesn't bother me.