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When someone you're getting to know, admits they were a cheater...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Would it have you running for the hills? Or just have you give them a side-eye? Would it affect you at all?

    Situation:

    I'm getting to know this new woman and I don't know how we ended up on the subject of cheating, but she did admit that she's cheated on only one of her partner's.
    She cheated on her ex with a straight-ish friend of their's; while she does admit culpability in the matter, she does say, "I did fend her off in the beginning. She was the one touching me and trying to hold my hand. I didn't want to make a scene, so I just pushed her away."

    Basically, this new woman I'm speaking to cheated on her ex in their home, with this straight-ish friend of their's, while the ex was home entertaining other people. She said they had all been drinking very, very much and it was the catalyst to ending their relationship.

    This was about two years ago, she said.

    Would this bother you at all? I guess I'm not used to know details like this, so soon. Don't know what to do with it, or anything at all, because I do tend to read too much into situations.

    What say you?
     
    #1 caliwoman, Aug 24, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2016
  2. Nl39

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    Once a cheater I think always a cheater. The woman I fell in love with left her husband for me. I thought I was special. Less than a year later I was in her bedroom and another supposed "ex-gf" knocked on the bedroom window because she didn't know I existed. I think all three of us (husband, me, the new ex)... all thought we were special. With cheating comes lying. Just remember that.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    I would establish honesty and transparency up front. I would not dismiss someone in the first instance just because they cheated at one point in time in their life. Given they admitted to you, they clearly feel responsible.

    She is starting the relationship with you off correctly by being honest. Take it the next step and suggest that you base relationships on transparency and honesty, and if any situation would arise that might be concerning, she should feel comfortable to always tell you. And you will do the same in return.

    Everyone makes mistakes at some point in life. All of us. Especially everyone participating in this forum.
     
  4. TreeTurtle137

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    I think a lot of people make mistakes when they're trying to get out of a bad situation. I also don't know that it's fair to decide "once a cheater always a cheater". But I think she's telling you that if things degenerate to a certain point, she may well resort to deception. Some people place huge emphasis on honesty and would absolutely never ever lie. Other people are more vulnerable to covering up if things get tough. It seems to me it's fair to think she's the latter, but at the same time she may well value honesty and aspire to more of it.
     
  5. Really

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    I don't know if she's doing this consciously or not but it feels like she thinks she's just being up front and honest but down the road if she were to cheat on you, she can say she warned you so this is on you.

    It's a bit worrying because I've ignored a similar type of warning and the behaviour did indeed pop up as I got to know this person more. And I don't even think it matters that it was cheating she was confessing to. Any negative behaviour that you think you could excuse is a problem. Controlling, short-tempered, whatever. If you're thinking you could live with it, don't. Do you want to be making plans to compromise yourself already?
     
  6. Thirdtimecharm

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    Calli,
    Is this the same woman that you have been having all the issues with? my goodness she sure does have a lot going on....

    I believe in honesty and listening to someone who has lived and learned from their mistakes but if it's the same woman, it sounds like she is someone to stay away from. Not necessarily just because of the cheating but how she has treated you and things she has said. I am not in your conversations and only can respond based on what you post but being with someone, talking, getting to know them should not be so hard. As has been discussed before there are so many red flags with her...why do you stay? From the little we have talked and the things I have read you're smart, funny and charismatic, you wouldnt have any problem finding another woman to get close to.

    I speak from experience, when it's so much work, so much questioning, so much of wondering what you did wrong when she gets upset about something simple that was said or a reaction that just wasn't what she wanted....it's not worth it. You're worth being with someone who is not a bit of a whack-doodle...

    Theres so much more out there...I promise!!!!
     
  7. afgirl

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    No, I think people can change, but it's not instantaneous and it usually just amounts to growing up. Is she the same person she was just two years ago? Well, probably. Will she cheat on you? Who knows? Trust your gut. I truly believe if they'll cheat with you, then they'll cheat on you. Beyond that, it's situational and you're the best one to decide based on what's in front of you.