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When meeting someone you like makes you feel down

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CameOutSwinging, Jun 7, 2017.

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  1. CameOutSwinging

    CameOutSwinging
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    In the latest episode of "I swear I want to be happy, even if I seem to be fighting it..."

    So I met a guy recently. Like three weeks ago recently. And we click amazingly well. We have a ton in common, especially from a life experience perspective (he was married to a woman, and he recently went through a breakup with somebody he very much wants to remain friends with). He's older than me by about 13 years, which is very different for me since I am usually the older one when dating, but I like him so I'm rolling with it. And things are going well. He's even open to some form of open relationship, or at least threesomes and the like. His libido is on the same level as my own, which is actually impressive, haha.

    But I feel really down and sad the last few days. I think the potential big changes in my life that this creates (like really putting a nail in the coffin of things with my ex) are scaring me. Maybe even the idea of being in a relationship with a guy, like a real relationship. It feels like in 6 months or a year from now my life could be completely different from how it is now and that frightens me to no end.

    I don't know that there's much advice I can take on this. Just felt like sharing the weird feeling of finding something good that's bringing me down.
     
    #1 CameOutSwinging, Jun 7, 2017
  2. RJay

    RJay
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    Oh, I can relate!!! I'm going through a divorce and coming out, and sometimes I'm happy and excited, and at other times all this CHANGE just freaks me the hell OUT!!! Change is terrifying to many of us. Doesn't mean we can (or should) avoid it.

    I offer you a virtual hug! We can do this! (*hug*)
     
    #2 RJay, Jun 7, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2017
  3. CameOutSwinging

    CameOutSwinging
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    Thank you! (*hug*)
     
    #3 CameOutSwinging, Jun 7, 2017
  4. SiennaFire

    SiennaFire
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    I haven't posted this publically before, but it may help you. I had a minor panic attack on the day when my first real BF was going to spend the night. I had found an unexpected pocket of internalized homophobia caused by the realization that I would be vulnerable in ways that I never was with my ex-wife. I PM-ed a few people on EC, and I was quickly able to work through it and had a wonderful evening (!). Since then I've found a new BF, but I'm so comfortable now. I'm wondering if you are facing something similar?
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Jun 7, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2017
  5. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    To add my perspective which is aligned both with what your thinking about COS as well as what Siennafire reflects:

    There were many times on my journey where I felt like I was mourning. And t seems you might be experiencing the emotions of loss as well. Mourning the loss of my prior "behind-the-emtional-wall life", mourning the loss of my family, mourning the loss of the persona I had created prior to embracing my sexuality. The emotions hit me at various times: sitting in the office contemplating between meetings, driving in the car with my then boyfriend now husband as we were going to my first post separation holiday dinner party with his family, or enjoying myself during an evening out with the gay friends I had developed, just to name a few.

    Similar to Siennafire, I also experienced feelings of shame tied to internalized homophobia in similar situations: negative emotions before the very first gay dinner party I attended being surrounded by other gay guys I barely knew; similar thoughts when I went to my first drag show with a gay friend; and massive doubts when I participated in a gay social group function with about 50 other gay guys for the first time.

    When these feelings hit me, I worked to isolate what was causing them. Was it morning or was it shame resulting from internalized homophobia? Sometimes it took me time to truly get to the underlying emotion, sometimes I figured it out right them in their. Regardless, when the emotion hit. I would simply let it take its course knowing that it would soon subside and I could thereafter reflect on it.

    These emotions are all part of the continuing journey, and I think by fact your experiencing them are actually good signs that your headed in the right direction.
     
    #5 OnTheHighway, Jun 8, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2017
  6. Tomás1

    Tomás1
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    Stay in the present. Future tripping about relationships is a walk into fantasy & projection land.

    just my thoughts…
     
    #6 Tomás1, Jun 9, 2017
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