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When it all goes seriously wrong

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bright skies, Sep 13, 2017.

  1. bright skies

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    Hey everyone, I've not posted for a long time on here. 2015 I fell in love with a lesbian I'd met through work, I was in a 17yr relationship with a man and we have 4 children together. It Completely shook my world.

    For the last year I've been in a relationship with this woman who is 6yrs younger than myself. The time we've been able to spend together has been amazing. The internal battle I went through to realise this was 100% what I wanted was at an end. She was the one! I absolutely shattered my ex who has since had a serious breakdown due to our split and my new sexual orientation. My teenage daughter has hated me at times and told me I make her sick, and I it damaged my relationship with my sister. I've had to tell my bosses and work colleagues. She tells her sister and a couple of friends she doesn't see often about me, so I'm a secret. The reason was to save me being village gossip as once her mother knew everyone would know. She has been an all out lesbian for many years.

    So a week ago we go to a nearby festival with my children and go home to sleep at the end of the day. Big break through she's never stayed with the children there. My daughter even suggested it. My girlfriend told me that evening she was going to tell her mum about me as she was happy and this was us. She was hit on that night by a girl she'd become friendly with and told her about our relationship. I was a but jealous but happy she told me and her.

    A week later exactly I've been signed off work with stress because my stressful job has got on top as had the last year and bringing up 4 children alone. The very next day my gf is not really speaking and I'm feeling sad and worried. When I ask her what's going on she says we aren't working anymore and she can't go on. Completely and utterly shattered, never have I ever been so hurt in all my life. Her reason? Because she wants to travel and I can't, she applying for a 2 year visa.

    I'm so confused hurt and angry
     
  2. driedroses

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    I have no words of wisdom, I'm sorry. However, please know that you've been heard and I feel your pain with you. Hugs.
     
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  3. silverhalo

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    Hey I am so sorry you are going through this.

    It sounds to me that there is more going on here than she is letting on but only time will tell. What was the last thing that was said before you found she wasn't speaking to you? Did she speak to her mum?
     
    #3 silverhalo, Sep 13, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2017
  4. Soundofmusic

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    So sorry you're going through this!! Sometimes things seem to get so shitty and it's hard to go forward but think back on hard times in your life and how you've come through and I'm sure you will be just fine this time too. We're here to support you.
     
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  5. JaimeGaye

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    So what you are telling us is this gal wanted you as her own little fantasy baggage free plaything and when the reality of baggage arrived she decided she was done playing with you like some sort of broken doll.
    Turn around, walk away, never look back.
     
  6. bright skies

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    Well yes that's now how I've been left feeling. To make matters worse I have to work with her, she has been my closest friend for the last 2 yrs.

    I saw her in work yesterday when I popped there for something and she asked me for a hug!! I just know I'll get sucked back into being some kind of friend with benefits
     
  7. bright skies

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    Thank you. When you are so in love with someone you don't think you will ever meet someone else like that again. I think I know she still loves me, which also frustrates me. When she saw me yesterday at work she asked me for a hug and her eyes lit up. She then was overly friendly and grabbed me again squeezing me and telling me I smell nice. Which part ignited some hope, I've had to tell myself be strong stop letting it be her terms and make myself more unavailable.
     
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  8. bright skies

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    No she didn't speak to her mum. I've managed to speak to her since and she said the longer time went on the harder it was to tell her family. They have high expectations of her and she feels she has to do all that she had planned before meeting me. I just think she knows her mum will react badly to the whole older woman with 4 kids scenario. She is a born worrier and worries on everything.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Have a hug it must be so hard for you. Try and be strong, you will come through the other side and find someone who deserves you. I'm sure she will regret her decision but that's not your problem.
     
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  10. Chrissy31

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    Hi sorry to hear you are going through this.
    I think she owes you a better explanation really since she did know you had 4 children a husband etc from the start and the difficulties you all went through when you told them all of your relationship. She really only had to tell her mum about you and hasn't and as you say she and has been an out and out lesbian for a long time. Did you know she wanted to go travelling or has this just popped up ?
     
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  11. Moonsparkle

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    Hugs to you @bright skies. It sounds like this all came as more than a shock to you. After all, one night you are happily hanging out at a festival together, virtually the next day she is breaking up a TWO year relationship for a (seemingly) flimsy reason. She wants to travel and you can't? Had you heard of these 'traveling desires' before? Has this been a goal for her for a long time? Had you two discussed how this personal goal of hers would fit in with your relationship with each other?

    I agree that it seems there is more going on here. And this is all just speculation of course. But just from the limited amount of information in your post --I am wondering if the fact that she kept you a secret was more her call, or yours? (I do get the idea of not wanting to be the topic of village gossip!)

    You stated she had never stayed at your house with the children there, and her sudden break up happened right after the first time she did. I wonder if there was something about this 'family environment' that scared or otherwise did not sit well with her.

    ANYONE would be confused by all this. And at the very least you do deserve more than the explanation she has given you.

    I don't have any real advice here. Except this suggestion: go to a the dollar store, pick up a spiral bound notebook and use it to jot down your feelings. No pressure, no filter. Just write it out. A sentence here or there, or longer if you are so inclined. I have kept these notebook journals for many many years. It IS helpful (to me at least.) You can continue sharing here on EC too.

    Hang in there, what you are going through IS so difficult and confusing. Take care of yourself; be kind to yourself. Especially now.

    PS: I work with my ex-girlfriend too. So I understand how this just adds another layer of difficulty to everything-and it can get dicey, very!
     
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  12. bright skies

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    Thank you I can do with all the hugs I can get. I think the journal idea is a great one and will have to give it a go.

    Battling my heart and mind at the moment. My mind tells me you deserve much better than the way she has treated you recently and don't make yourself available to her anymore. My heart tells me I'm so in love with this person and whilst she still loves me there is hope. Why the hell am I so weak when it comes to her. I feel so frustrated with myself but every part of me aches for her
     
  13. silverhalo

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    You are not weak, it ps only natural you feel like that. You opened yourself up completely to her and gave her everything you had, when someone betrays this it leaves us hurt and conflicted that can't be helped. It will get better though in time I promise.