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When/if to tell people?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Marble Jar, Apr 14, 2020.

  1. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    (I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this as technically it's about coming out, but it is regarding gender identity specifically, so i put it here.)

    I've started making a few changes to my appearance, such as clothing, working out, using men's toiletries, leaving body hair to grow etc and i plan to do something quite different with my hair (when the lock down allows).

    But i'm not sure whether to say anything to people about it or not. (I have told two people and had mixed reactions). On the one hand, i don't want to make a big deal out of it and i am certain there are friends and family who would have a problem with the reasons i'm making these changes. But then on the other hand, i find myself thinking that i dare not wear certain clothes around certain people because i know they will comment and then i'll feel embarrassed. And the thing is, i know i don't necessarily even look good in those outfits...but i just feel better in them. It makes me feel more relaxed to dress that way, well, until someone makes a rude remark anyway!

    Any Trans people have thoughts on this? Did you formally come out to everyone? Or just as and when? And if so, at what point?
     
  2. Mihael

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    Tell when you feel ready. Let your feelings about the changes you made level out. Or at least this is what I would do. Coming out is for your comfort, so no pressure.

    And don’t be embarrassed about clothes. If they have a problem with it, it’s their problem. Nothing wrong with you.
    But maybe the problem is, you don’t believe you look good in the clothes you mention. How about finding masculine style that you won’t feel self-conscious about? I struggled a lot to find the right fitting clothes in the men’s section, tbh...

    Being out. Hm. I’m on an entirely different stage now. But ask whatever you want, I’ve been through all this.
     
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  3. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    That's true, i guess there is no rush.

    Yeah i think it's easy for me to look swamped in the sort of clothing i like because i'm very short. I probably do look better in clothing from the boys' section. I'll keep experimenting with different things and hopefully find a style that works. I've always been rubbish with clothes shopping anyway, so this was never going to come naturally :grinning:

    Thanks Mihael, that's really kind of you. Are you happy with how you look now?
     
  4. Mihael

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    Well, it’s not like a pair of shoes two sizes too small, so I guess it’s better. I’m currently hesitating whether to change my name officially and if I won’t regret it. I pass for a guy for the most part.

    Tip: Don’t disregard women’s sections completely. A lot of the clothes in female sections have masculine style but fit the female frame and size better.

    I found that shopping for masculine clothes is even enjoyable, even if I prefer to do it rarely, when I hated to shop for feminine clothing. So it might be essier than it seems to find good looking man clothes.
     
  5. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    That definitely sounds like an improvement then. That's cool. I imagine that's quite a lot of admin to sort out.

    Ok, that's interesting. Thanks for the tip! How long have you been working on all this?
     
  6. Butterfly6

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    I'm still discovering who I am, but I have a feeling a fall somewhere on the trans spectrum (I'm born female).

    I feel like i have desires to dress more male lately and just feel uncomfortable presenting female but I haven't told anyone yet.

    I'm also married to a man and have young kids. Being in quarenteen has definitely given me time to think about all of this, I can feel my old self fading away...even my name feels foreign sometimes.

    Does anyone ever get the feeling that they are acting? Sorry to blab...

    I just wanted to share that I wont be telling my friends and extended family any of this. I come from a restrictive culture and community. My plan is to move away and start a new life...I'm hoping to leave my kids with my husband (probably future ex husband).
     
  7. Mihael

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    I started to dress androgynous some five years ago and it took me about two years in total to realise that I was not non-binary, come out and switch to wearing men’s clothes, with mediocore effect on passing initially and definitely not making the impression of a trans man, which was frustrating, but I had some other problems on the way with gender, namely, I had to grow up emotionally as a guy, which now was possible that I was out and I knew what was going on and so did others. I started to pass not too long ago, but I can’t tell you how. I wanted to make the impression of someone masculine, no matter a dude or a butch lesbian, so that people would stop giving me feminine treatment, even despite occasional people calling me a sir. I figured I don’t “present” male enough. But um, apparently that makes it hard to believe that I am a female in any sense.
     
  8. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    I guess if you feel that you aren't behaving in a way that represents your true self, then you are acting. I can see why you feel trapped, especially at the moment with the lock-down in place. Leaving your husband and children would be a massive decision so i couldn't comment on that. Having kids has never appealed to me, so i know nothing about it.
     
  9. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Ok, thanks for sharing that. I did wonder about being non-binary myself to begin with, but i kept getting distracted by the idea of having facial hair and other masculine stuff. That's interesting that you didn't mind if you were seen as a butch lesbian. Not that there is anything wrong with that obviously. You make a really good point there, that it's more about people not treating you in a feminine way. I never thought of it like that before.

    Do you cut your hair yourself? Tempting as it is to shave it off, i'm worried that i will end up making my feminine features more obvious that way, so i'm thinking it would be better to get it cut by someone who knows what they're doing, at least to start with.
     
  10. Mihael

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    Well, if you get seen as a feminine heterosexual woman constantly, I guess butch lesbian is better... or idk, I get no feedback from my classmates, so I can’t possibly guess what they think. Maybe they didn’t see me or treat me like a heterosexual feminine girl, but it was still too feminine for me. Idk, I don’t resonate with the trans narrative most people relate to. My rationale is not direct discomfort with body or pronouns, I just feel like a man inside, and it’s a hard situation to navigate to be one thing and seem like another.

    No, I don’t cut the hair myself. I go to the hairdresser.
    It also might be better to not go for a buzz cut, they tend to make feminine features more apparent. So short hair is fine but more like... a few inches left.
     
  11. Phoenix92

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    Two years ago, when I came to accept myself, i had a gradual coming out at first.
    Friends who inquired on a post I'd made about a big life change.
    Came out to work in an informal meeting, Though they figured out what it was about before. They just wanted me to confirm things for them.
    A good chunk of family I came out to via text or messaging.
    A couple of groups I'm a part of i made a post explaining things.. This was all in the latter half of February,
    Come April, I made a an official coming out post online, explaining things fully and for everyone who hadn't been told before. I kept this hidden from the grandparents.
    I remained closeted to them until about May. I came out to my grandparents(Maternal Grandfather, Paternal Grandparents) through a phone call.
    It was all very semi formal or informal.
     
  12. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Yes, that's certainly a disorientating feeling. Ok, yeah that's the sort of thing i'm thinking of.

    Would you say that you paid attention to things like how you walk and gestures? I know people use those elements to guess someone's gender from a distance so i suppose they are important, but i worry that i won't look natural if i try to alter things like that. I think i have quite an odd gait and manner anyway (most likely to do with Autism).
     
  13. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Thanks ChescaC. It's helpful to have examples like that to read through. I think that sounds like a good approach.
     
  14. Mihael

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    Geez, I envy so much that they picked it up earlier at work and were okay. I get so much backlash from others at university. :frowning2:

    I did work on it at some point and I think that it’s worth working on. After all, we get taught how to move like our gender assigned at birth too. At least it was true in my case. But I have to say that I had the rather masculine body language naturally so going back in this direction wasn’t hard. I would say explore body language and find the elements of it that make you feel comfortable and feel good, don’t force too much masculinity on yourself either. This isn’t the point either.
     
  15. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Sorry to hear you have backlash from people at university! That's really harsh of them.

    Ok, that's true, i was told frequently not to sit a certain way as a child for example, so i was schooled out of some things. Yeah, ok, small changes and see what works.

    I don't know if you are able to grow facial hair now, but in the past did you ever experiment with faking it? I have read about using mascara to make the hair you already have more noticeable. This could potentially work with me as i'm a hairy person, but i'm not sure if it would just look weird. Could be awkward if it got smudged for example!
     
  16. Mihael

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    No and no. However, shaving off peach fuzz apparently helps with passing.
    I mean, I actually have darkish peach fuzz? I need to shave it anyway because it looks scruffy. There is no use of it in terms of acting as facial hair and I personally dislike the idea of mascara on it. Also the smudging worries me.

    http://ftmguide.rassaku.net/guide/index.htm
    As for your questions, many of them and related ones are answered in this guide.
     
  17. Phoenix92

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    I think they knew when I started working there that I wasn't as male as I portrayed myself, my guess is they were happy that I'd finally come to accept myself. Then again, I never really tried to hide femininity there. Heck shortly after my coming out, I went for food at the place I used to work. Told one of the managers(They have like 6 or 7 of them), who gave me a "Congratulations!"

    So, yeah it seems everyone knew before I did, and I was just being stubborn about accepting it myself.
     
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  18. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Yeah i guess shaving turns it into stubble as far as texture goes. Thanks for the link, that looks pretty comprehensive.
     
  19. LaurenSkye

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    I, myself, am AMAB feminine non-binary. I've never formally come out to anybody. I go out in public most days wearing a skirt, painted nails, and carrying a purse. Around my family, I butch it up. It's mostly the awkwardness that is keeping me from coming out. The awkwardness of where, when, and how to tell them, and the awkwardness of them treating me differently are holding me back. For the most part, I think my family would support me, regardless of their overall views on the subject matter. I never really had many friends until a few months ago when I joined a non-binary support group and met some really awesome people.
     
  20. Marble Jar

    Marble Jar Guest

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. It's really cool that you are confident enough to wear those things in public. I can understand your awkwardness regarding your family and why you rein it in around them (even if you are pretty sure they'd be ok with it). That's great about the support group, i'm glad you found some nice people there :slight_smile: