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When everything seems not to make sense anymore

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    It's only been four days since I told my husband I'm gay, and one day since we started talking about separation. But since telling him I'm gay, the last few days have turned our already tense and angry household into an unbearably tense and angry household. Life at home has felt shitty for most of our relationship, and coming out (as bi 10 months ago) added a new set of intense emotions to it all.

    (*i should clarify - when I say tense and angry household, I mean that there is constant fighting, nothing abusive or controlling or anything of that nature).

    But for myself, within me, the more I've learned and understood about myself, the calmer and more confident I've become. Accepting, finally, that I'm gay was like the pinnacle of this calmer clearer sense of self.

    But in the last few days, with this sense of everything crumbling around me, my husband's anger, the realisation that we're ripping apart everything; it's all made me lose sight of what makes sense. Nothing feels like it makes sense anymore. I have this anxious ball in my chest which right now feels like it's permanently taken up residence there. I feel like hyperventilating half the time. I'm unable to focus on anything.

    I feel like I need to find an anchor or a sort of core truth that I can focus on while everything is crumbling away. I know that I'm gay, I know that I'm making the right decisions. But I sort of have trouble really feeling that at this point. It's like nothing makes sense anymore, I keep feeling like why is all of this happening? Do I really want my whole world to change. And I know deep down the answer is - yes. But I'm having trouble actually seeing that right now.

    I'm not sure I'm articulating this well at all, but basically I feel like I'm drowning and I'm totally lost and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

    Any thoughts?

    (ps just one positive thing to note, my husband wrote a very nice accepting, understanding letter today which has me thinking he's trying to accept this, wanting to do his best to work together, etc; so that's looking up. That alleviated this feeling a little but I'm still sort of feeling totally out of sorts).
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jul 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2016
  2. NewHaircut

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    Fear of change/the unknown and your anxiety is normal. When you begin to feel anxious, take a couple of deep breaths, remind yourself that it's normal and try to just be OK with feeling like that. It will pass

    It can be hard to visualise what life is going to be like, but you dont need to. It WILL be better, and you know this yourself.

    When I was separating, one of my divorced friends told me that soon I'd get a boost in that feeling of freedom, and a whole world of possibilities would open up before me. I had no idea what this would be like. And it took *months* to happen because I resisted change and kept second guessing myself. But now, well... :-D

    Keep reminding yourself why this is happening, and that things beyond your imagination will happen. You may not be able to see it, but just live each day as Best you can and it will come to you.

    You are an amazing person and you deserve an amazing life. I always try to think of butterflies in these situations. Can you imagine the pain of a caterpillar going into a cocoon and completely transforming? Ouch! But out comes the butterfly and its all worth it in the end.

    We're all with you!
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Keep looking forward with the end goal of living authentically. There will be many bumps in the road for sure. You know my analogy by now, your a race horse with blinders on, you left the starting gate and are running to the finish line. You have blinders on so you can not see your challengers trying to stop you from winning which are on either side of you. So all you can do is look forward towards the finish line.

    Time to be that horse!
     
  4. baristajedi

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    Thank you both Newhaircut and OTH for your thoughts/comments. These are both helpful perspectives.

    I feel like this is going to be a long and difficult process no matter what, but I really do hope my husband's letter is a sign he will want to work together. That would make everything so much more manageable. But I know I can do whatever I need to do, I just have to remain confident about my path.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I don't really know what to say, other than your feelings seem perfectly normal with all the uncertainty you're facing. I hope you and your husband can find a way to work together.
     
  6. yeehaw

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    Aww. This part is so hard. For what it's worth, I think what you are feeling is super normal considering what is going on. I don't know if this will apply to you, but it helped me to remember that I was in no way responsible for managing my husband emotions (beyond doing my best to be kind and respectful). It helped me to leave that fully up to him and to focus on keeping my kids and I as physically and emotionally healthy as possible.