I have one question: when did it get better for you? And actually how did it get better for you? I'm a young FTM and I'm not sure right now when it gets better. The following's just a huge rant. It's everything that's been on my mind or the past few years. Please don't bother to read the whole thing, I just needed to tell someone, anyone, that I'm not okay. I have spent my entire morning and late afternoon and night in a bad depressive fit. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone or go anywhere. My relatives only make it worse because they insist on calling me by my birth name. I got told to marry a man by my aunt. What am I supposed to really do about this? I'm not planning on transitioning but I keep spending hours looking up the price tag of a hysterectomy and top surgery and a lifetime's worth of depo provera shots. I want to tear out all things that mark me as female and I wish dating were easier and I weren't so alone and sad and angry. It's frustrating when your family makes the situation worse and worse. They'd rather have me alive and happy but one by one they keep asking me the same stupid, stupid questions. Am I sure I am not a girl. How do I know. How can I call you by your preferred name when ive known you by it your entire life. Almost makes me want to scream at them: then you can effing call me by my proper name when I'm effing dead and it's scratched over my gravestone. I'm having a volatile day. I don't do anything stupid, I never do because I've sworn never to purchase a gun. As long as there is no gun, there is no gunshot and I am okay for another day, another week, another year. That's always the case. Doesn't stop the suicidal thoughts from recurring. This forum is part of my anchor. I feel like I'm screaming into a void when I try to talk to people. Then I get angry and they don't understand why. They don't understand that they're doing nothing to stop me from possibly killing myself. It's always been up to me to save myself, always. But sometimes some of you respond to me and tell me I'm not effing out of my brains and I'm not going to get the gun because I'm going to be okay and I believe you and I know I"m going to be okay I just have to hold on. I can't stop from crying or hurting. I can't even look for real people who also identify as transgender because I'm told I'm the exception, the one who doesn't want to transition through chemical means, the weirdo who perpetually is stuck in this female loop and puts herself there, there's no way she's a real man. Even the stupid gay barista called me a girl, I'm staring at him like, I'm strong enough that I could beat you up and pound you half-dead with these tiny arms, and angry enough to pound you the other halfway to death. Seriously, are you being for real with me rright now, man? My brother told me a long, long time ago in an off-hand comment while I wasn't making much money or in the best of circumstances, my own brother told me, you don't have that much to offer to a girl if you dated her anyway. I'm so sorry, I'm just a huge mess right now and I can't stop crying but I can't tell anyone either. I'm not going to do anything stupid right now but this is all I've got to keep myself from going crazy.
I really wish that I could tell you that someday everything will work out and it will all be fine. I think that for most people, there are always going to be bad days or weeks or months. What I can tell you is that there will be less of them. Things do get better, but not all at once and not generally quickly. A year ago, I was a in a similar situation. At the time, I was sure I did not want to transition with hormones and I didn't know how my family would react when I told them or if I would ever be seen for the person I was. I ended up reluctantly deciding to go on hormones and even though I wasn't sure it was what I wanted I'm really happy that I made that decision. My family is working things out and I'm getting my name and gender marker legally changed so that when I go away to school next year it will be as a man. I still have a long way to go but things are slowly getting better. Things will get better for you too even if it takes a long time. I know it's probably really hard to believe that right now, but you just have to keep pushing forward. If hormones are not for you, that's totally ok. I can understand why you might not want to do that, and there are other people out there who choose to transition without hormones. Susan's Place is another forum similar to this one, and they have a whole section dedicated to people who don't want to medically transition if you're interested in checking it out. I changed my mind about it but not everyone does and it doesn't make you any less of a man if you don't want to be on T.
Hey, I remember you, Tim! You were pretty blue a while back and I got concerned. Don't wanna say anything triggering but I'm glad you're still here to chat with me. I'll check out Susan's. I've seen the forum but never joined. Didn't know they had FTM resources seeme dlike itw as more for MTF
Extended family also keep on asking me why I don't have a boyfriend... If only they knew that I'm not exactly a woman and it makes things hard, because the majority is cisheteronormative... But I can't say I care too much about what my family thinks about that. However, if you want to protest, you can always take the "feminist" position: a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle and it's sexist of them to nag you to marry. With calling you a girl, they are just saying what they see, there is nothing deep to it. Maybe some of those people even think you are really a guy, because they notice you are transgender, but the culture is to call people what their bits are? This is my opinion on misgendering. But it does suck if you feel trans and don't want to transition medically. The community sucks in this situation. It does. Can you afford a gender therapist? Maybe if not in New York, which must be quite expensive, then in a neighbouring city that is like... 100-200km from you? It's still a reasonable distance to travel, because it takes 3 hours max. When did it start to get better? I can't say there is a clear line. But I do feel better than I used to. About gender. It's difficult for me to draw a timeline. But this academic year has been fine. I came out to friends last summer. I came out as non-binary / gender non-confoming and bisexual in the college. Things have been a lot better since then. My opinion is that coming out and being open about how you feel has proven to be crucial for wellbeing in my experience.Even if, or rather especially so, if you decide against transitioning.
