I've always been curious about non binary genders and how people come to the conclusion that they're not male or female. Do you just intrinsically know? Does society have any influence over your discovery?
Personally, gender was always a matter of knowing what I was not rather than finding a category fill myself done under. Intellectually, sexuality was something that had a rational purpose in my mind. It had a biological foundation. The same could be said about sex and even expression to a degree; however, the same could not be said about gender. I never took that to mean that gender identities were not extremely important. There just came a time when I decided that weighing myself against these ideals, whether they be of men, women, genderqueer, etc, wasn't something that was necessary in my life. I could wake up very much feminine one day and very much masculine the next; express myself in variant ways; present myself in variant ways; etc. It was not my job to attempt to find some unknown term to fit my behavior into. Which is why I describe myself as gender nonconforming rather than queer or other terms. It is not just that I don't feel that I fit into the non-binary; it is quite simply that I have no desire to concern myself with concepts of gender on a personal level. Gender is a valuable psychological concept to many people. It allows people to identify with something and find understanding in themselves. It is simply not something that is going to be valuable and meaningful to everyone.
Well. I identify as a nonbinary gender, and it doesn't come easy. At least, for me, it didn't. For the majority of my life, I contended with body dysphoria that I didn't understand because it wasn't that I wanted male parts instead of female parts. It was just that I didn't want female parts. It didn't make sense to me, because, you know. I was immature, I was ignorant, I thought transgenderism was pretty black and white. You know? One or the other. I didn't intrinsically say "hmm.. You know what this means? This means I'm neither" right off of noticing how much I hated parts of my body. That's not the automatic conclusion. At least, it wasn't for me. I questioned my gender, but never once thought I could be FTM. It just didn't align with how I mentally pictured myself. I actually began to wonder about a lacking gender when my friend was talking to me about asexuality. I figured if transgender was a thing, maybe agender was too. I started with maybe thinking I was androgyne, but while that suited my physical presentation, it didn't suit how I felt about my body. After discovering genderqueer, and then agender, I found what fit. As for society's influence, I'm not sure. I think society recently is what got me feeling more comfortable questioning my gender. But I never heard of genderqueer identities until I was trying to figure out where I fit in.
"Androgyne" is a term that is relatively new to me. If it weren't for this site, I probably would still be trying to figure out what I was in that department. I always knew that something was "off" about me. Prior to finding out, I identified as GenderQueer and Trans (FtM) for a few times. It was so confusing for me! I'm so glad that society is becoming more aware about non-binary gender identities (and gender expression). When I was growing up, it was all binary, with the exception of Trans and hemorphidite (aka Intersex), but there was so little understanding for these two.
I spent a lot of time wondering if I was trans (I'm AFAB), because I identified so strongly as a guy sometimes. Took me awhile to come to accept my femininity as well. Now, masculinity and femininity take turns rotating through, and sometimes co-exist. I feel so much happier now that I realized the two don't have to be mutually exclusive, and that there's more options than just cis/trans.
Growing up I was lead to believe that there was only male and female, and since I was afab I could only be female. When I learned about trans men I felt a strong pull that that was me. I had never really felt female but I didn't actually feel male either, though I did have a strong pull to masculine things that i hide a lot. When I learned of non-binary genders I was happy because I found terms that describe me. For me being agender means I don't really feel one gender or the other. I just can't seek to associate myself with either gender.
