Hi everyone. It’s the second anniversary of the day I decided to do something to change my life. And just like a year ago, I want to share a recap on what’s been going on, and I’m open to giving and receiving any kind of advice or feedback. ^^ Background By composing this post, I’ve realised that not even I remembered all the details about my story, so I don’t expect anyone else to do so. Here comes a summary: Spoiler Back in 2020, life was hard and full of fears – that novel virus which stopped the world, those secret desires that I didn’t even dare myself to understand, those crazy parents I’d always had getting crazier, and so and so on. Back then, I described myself as a “confused kid” and now, by reading old posts I had forgotten about, I find it cute and saddish to see how little I knew about life. After lots of introspection (e.g., thinking about the right interjection or if I needed any at all), I saw the Truth and, oh my, it was so so beautiful… And guess what? It wasn’t “a phase”. That was shortly followed by me wanting to get out there and take my first steps as a gay gay man. It looked so huge telling it to the first person! When I look back now, it looks like a different life – and, well, as a matter of fact, it was. Anyway, “it got better” very soon (see how happy I was on my 0.5th EC anniversary, aww), with the help of many nice people and small circumstances (e.g., travelling, which fast-forward to today, has been crucial). Of course, the road was a bit bumpy (because that’s life) and I had to deal with a crazy pseudo-boyfriend and a crazy pseudo-therapist. But the overall trend was always positive! The last times I was around here I was asking about technology and sex v. feelings. About those and other topics I’ve learnt a lot. What’s new I’ve really been living life since the last time I was over here, and for the first time not in black-and-white but in the full spectrum of the rainbow. ^^ Spoiler ■ I moved out… Very out. Last summer I managed to transfer to a different part of Europe (one that doesn’t have “Population: cows”) and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Living with my parents was (and would still be today) a form of psychological torture, so only because of that leaving was good. But also, there was a wonderful world out there I didn’t know that existed, which becomes easy to explore when one doesn’t have two control freaks policing each of their actions and one doesn’t live in a geographically isolated place. ■ My ten Prides and other adventures. Since last summer, I’ve been to more than 30 cities across Europe, including ten prides, that is, my first, second and so forth prides. They were all very powerful emotional experiences. As a result of so much travelling and getting out there where I was living, I met several hundreds of people during these months abroad and had all kinds of unforgettable experiences. I remember posting on this forum, back in the days, that I found it quite sad that I only knew a handful of LGBT+ people in real life. Well, not anymore! ■ My first time. I travelled to my first five prides thinking that maybe I could meet “the chosen one” organically at one of those, but every time I was close enough to someone interesting enough, something happened. I did experience my first kiss in a very emblematic place, though. (My abusive experiences in my hometown during 2020 weren’t consensual, so I choose to consider them number zero.) Anyway, it happened where I was living. I met this guy for a date at the library, we went for a walk around a castle in the area, and then, well, one thing led to another, and I woke up at his place the next day. I was like dancing and singing in the streets. We met two more times, to basically mutually agree that we hate each other. :s ■ By having sex in real life, I’ve discovered that it’s not like in the movies. Firstly, it turns out that I love “normal bodies”, whereas mass media had made that historically my ideal of beauty were exaggerated gym torsos. On the flip side, many people are awful sexual partners, who don’t focus at all on the other person’s enjoyment (even when some degree of that is required for them to maximise their own pleasure). I spent months thinking there was something very wrong with my rear because no one could get Excalibur into the stone, but the truth was that I was fine and that simply no one was willing to devote more than five seconds to the necessary warmup. ■ STIs. I’m horrified by how people behave as far as STIs are concerned, given the amount of knowledge we have today, especially HIV. Do they have no sense of history? I’ve suffered constant pressures to bareback and, what is more, I once had to go to a hospital to request PEP because of a stealthing episode. Since then, I’m doing condom AND PrEP because I’m too terrified of it happening again (and, well, it more or less did). Reason #8231 to move to a big city is that in smaller places (like where I live) doing periodic STI check-ups is unnecessarily difficult. ■ BDSM is an important part of my identity. Almost all my sexual thoughts during all my life have been in the field of certain BDSM practices, so naturally starting with sex and with BDSM was all one. After exploring that (under)world quite a bit, my conclusion is that I can’t be happy, balanced individual if I repress those needs. Of course, this introduces way more complications and risks, but the one good thing about starting so late with everything is that I’m relatively mature and knowledgeable for a newbie, and I can tell what’s acceptable and what’s not. What’s next All in all, I’m very much stronger and more mature, psychologically and emotionally, than a year ago. Unlike my previous self, I don’t need to have everything under control and I’m not particularly afraid of uncertainty. I don’t know what life has in store for me, but I know I’ll be fine. That said, here are some more bullet points… Spoiler ■ On the road again… I’m unfortunately back to living in my hometown, for a year or so, due to my studies/work (it’s very complicated and I really didn’t want to come back, but it was the only sensible option). And like Alfredo told Totò in that memorable scene of Cinema Paradiso, I know I need to go away and never come back. There’s literally no good reason for me to stay too long and everybody who cares about me supports that. I want to live in a place where the dating pool is more than null, where I can go to the theatre or the opera, where I can join another LGBT+ sports club, and so on. ■ Offline versus online. One change for the better I’ve made is spending way less time in front of screens and more time with people (note the big exception I’m making here today). I’ve also discovered that dating apps are even more boring after some time, even though my strategy consists of blocking anyone who wants to meet for sex, doesn’t have any pictures or lacks conversation. I also refuse to use any app based on swiping because I know I’m as sensitive to variable ratio reward schedules as B.F.Skinner’s pigeons. I did make a few very good friends while travelling by using the apps while I ate alone in restaurants, but overall it's a time drain. The love of my life is not waiting for me behind the “now? 25” profile, but rather at some pride event, at a gay volleyball match, or at the bar of a club somewhere. ■ And yes, I’ve said love. I choose to believe in it, and I know it’ll find me someday. As being around homosexuals is lots of fun per se, I’ll keep doing that to help Cupid. So far, I’ve had very few guys to wake up some interest in me (it’d me more like me being infatuated for 72 hours after a nice sexual experience), to then realise that they’re morally disgusting human beings and/or into drugs (I want a boyfriend, not a project). So yeah, it could literally take years to find someone to just date. ■ Not getting into drugs is another big goal. That and STIs make me think that something’s going very wrong with education campaigns in Europe. It’s absolutely frightening to witness the amount of people who consume and the intensity with which they do. I have a very strong opinion on that (and I’ve been offered many times), but I want to stay vigilant that I don’t start normalising them. It’s not a joke – people who “know what they’re doing” overdose all the time, and even consumptions below that point are absolutely horrible. Again, my generation should know better. ■ My parents are a mess. The less in touch I am with them, the happier I am. The more in touch I am with them, the unhappier I am. Some friends even recommend completely cutting ties with them… The thing is that I see no point in sharing any relevant details about my life with them (and even less after their reaction to me owning a rainbow item). As my good therapist once said: “it almost sounds as if the only thing they provide you with is harsh criticism”. I don’t want to live less than 1,000 miles away from them. ■ And I guess that my main goal in the short term would be to survive in the middle of nowhere. My current approach is travelling as often as I feel that I need – I guess I could be saving that money for the future, but it’s not insanely too much and it makes me happy, so whatever. I also try to keep a positive attitude and focus on the fact that living here is only temporary, that there’s a way out, and that I know where it is. Wow, I’m realising that I have enough material to write an entire book, so I’d rather stop here now. Anyhow, if there’s one message that I want to convey to anyone who’s reading this is that life is wonderful and that anything you dream of (in my case, it was just freedom) might be just around the corner. While there's life there’s hope, and only the dead have none.
P.S.: I don't know how many of the EC members who helped me when I needed it the most are still around. But wherever you are, I want you to know you're all dear to me, and part of the reason I write all this down is to try to make you smile a little bit. I'm still living the best summer of my life, and it's May.
