I have this ... "friend" ... whom I met through a local games night group (board games/card games, not PC games). Anyway, we got along well, albeit a little rocky at first. She's very demanding. If we haven't hung out for a while (I'd say about a month or two) she'd nag at me to hang out - Which usually involves ME going to HER place!!! She has a brain tumor, and I pity her, because from what she's told me, she's not even half the person she was pre-tumor. She's 48 and I'm 30. I've always gotten on better with older people, so the age gap isn't that big of a problem, and not the reason for this thread. Well, we used to talk through text almost daily, but that quickly fizzled out (Because I was getting annoyed at her neediness). My sister and brother in law do not like her because she just assumed that she's a part of the family now, which couldn't be further from the truth. For some time, I was wondering about her sexuality. She claims to be straight, but I just keep getting a "gay vibe" from her. She doesn't have many friends, neither do I, so I pushed my gut feels aside and entertained the idea of friendship with her. However, she tends to use her tumor as an excuse to get out of stuff that doesn't suit her. Christmas 2017 was held at my place (I live with my dad, sister, brother in law and two nieces). I invited her to join us because she would've spent it alone. We live about 5 minutes from each other. Well, Christmas 2018 was held at my cousin's house, who lives about 20 minutes away. I again invited my friend to join us but then she all of a sudden developed a migraine or whatever she wants to call it. This "migraine" lasted about 8 or 9 days (according to her) and apparently she's still not feeling okay. Here's the juicy part, lol: I messaged her DAILY to ask how she's feeling. As new year's approached, I again sent her a message asking how she's feeling. She came online several times during her "migraine" but didn't even OPEN my messages (WhatsApp), let alone reply to them. Out of frustration I sent her a message: "??? Are you okay???". This was sent in the morning. She was online in the meantime but only bothered to reply late that evening. I was miffed to put it mildly. WHY COULDN'T SHE JUST RESPOND TO ME??? Anyway, she claimed that she wasn't online (wait, what?) for the duration of her headache (Yeah right *eyeroll*). I didn't bother to write anything back, and now she's making up for lost time by constantly sending me videos or memes, which annoy the crap out of me. When I see her name come up, I'm instantly pissed off, because I know it's just another forwarded video (You can see "forwarded" on top of the video/image). I'm a very sensitive soul who takes offence pretty easily, and once I'm done, I'm done. Well, just today she'd sent 3 videos and 2 images! And it's only 09:31 here now... Another thing that pissed me off was the fact that she badmouthed our neighbour two houses on when I told her about our little tiff, yet she showed up at a friend of hers' baby shower WITH THIS NEIGHBOUR! (She drove with the neighbour to the venue because, "She can't drive far and apparently doesn't know how to use her GPS when it suits her"). The fact that she badmouthed the neighbor yet drives with her in her car, just makes me wonder, if she can badmouth someone else in front of me, yet "sleep" with the "enemy", what wicked things does she tell OTHER people about ME??? As a direct result of these two incidents, I'm cutting her from my life. She brought this on herself and can go cry on the neighbour's shoulders... Would you have felt/done the same if you were in my shoes?
I think you are being unreasonable actually and a bit unkind? You obviously don't have the same expectations regarding friendship and that's okay but I see most of my friends most week and l would certainly not feel needy or expect them to feel I was being needy if we hadn't seen each other in a month or two (!) and was trying to arrange for us to meet up, especially if I was willing to host. I would never feel someone is needy if I haven't seen them in two months and they wanna meet, assuming we lived in the same city I would actually think they would be entitled to think I was being a shitty friend. Regarding your sister and BIL I think that's a bit of a "dumb" reason not to like someone. Assuming she is not completely deluded and doesn't actually assume she is your sister and just means she feels you two are family (because SHE considers you family) I can't see that as an hate-able thing assuming she is being respectful to your family. Now the bigger issue seems to be that you seem to have very little knowledge of how brain tumour works. In fact brain tumour impacts people very differently, and you seem to undermine and/or dismiss her symptoms. My grandma had a brain tumour, she had massive pain on one side of the brain and ended up losing her hearing on that side. The tumour impacted her balance and obviously now with her hearing loss she has zero sense of direction (if her phone rings she won't be able to determine where in the room it is) her tumour has since been cured but those are life long effects, sometimes she is fine and other times stuff she could do the day before she finds hard doing that day. The fact that she was well enough 2 years ago to attend Christmas doesn't mean she is well enough to attend Xmas every year
Whoops hit sent too quickly. If she is as needy as you say she is she surely would have jumped as the opportunity to join, but yes maybe a 20 minutes drive away to an area she is unfamiliar with or that would make it hard to go home in case she had a bad headache or whatever is not ideal for her. The whole juicy part thing seem more like you were the needy one than her, she normally answers to you so it all seem to indicate that she did have a bad headache and that it was her phone picking up connection more than her being really connected if she didn't read your messages, if she was needy and attention seeking she would have jumped at the chance to complain to you about her ordeal etc... But she didn't, which leave me to believe she was genuinely sick and recovering and for some odd reason you seemed more worried about her answering your message/giving you attention than you did about her health (you know where she lives, why not pop up to see if she needed something if you were really worried and she wasn't answering?) If the whole meme thing piss you off (and fair enough) talk to her about it! You can't litterally criticize her for bad mouthing someone and hanging out with said person when you are doing the exact same thing. I am sure this person has a lot of annoying habits but I personally don't think you really come across as a very good friend here either. You seem to only want to see her every few months and on your term only and she is not to text you daily (though you expect her to answer when you do text her daily) and only the content you want and need. That sounds exhausting. You obviously don't enjoy her company so no point hanging onto the friendship but no, I wouldn't have dealt with the situation like you did, no.
Thank you for your input, Linning! I know I came off a bit strong and annoyed, but I never really liked her as a friend. I feel I was a bit unclear about the whole situation, so allow me to elaborate: True, I have NO idea of how brain tumors work and how they impact the affected person(s), but I just feel like I "know" her well enough to know that sometimes, she seeks attention and pity for her situation. She lives alone, with just her elderly dog for company. She gets blackouts frequently and about 2 out of 10 times she injures herself in some way. ON TOP OF the tumor, she has fibromyalgia and though I've read up on it, I have no idea exactly how much pain she's constantly in, so you're right about that part About coming online - It's on WhatsApp, so you have to literally open the app in order to show online to your contacts as far as I know? So unless her dog did it, I don't take her word for NOT using her phone. She also posted to Facebook during this time, so again, unless her dog did it - What's the point in lying about it? And my sister and BIL have their reasons for not liking her, and they're valid reasons. She "came into my life" thinking that she will now have a family. I'm sorry, but if you're not married to one of my family members, or even to me, you're NOT family! You're a FRIEND. She even went as far as saying, "I'm like the adopted sister/daughter". Yeah, she said that! Just the way that she expects us to give her preferential treatment pisses us all off (NOT just me). When there is family over, and she's there too, she expects me to sit with her the whole time. I mean, seriously? So what, I can't mingle with my FAMILY now??? I'm sorry, but that's a bit selfish, not so? And regarding badmouthing the neighbour but going to a function with said neighbour: I don't get how she can talk shit about someone yet "play nice" to their face? And no, me complaining online and dishing all the dirt isn't badmouthing anyone - It's simply me giving all the details to get an outside opinion on whether or not I'm being unreasonable... But if you want to view it as badmouthing, who am I to argue???
I can see some of the points that @Linning is making but I do not think from what is being said that we have enough context into the relationship going on between your whole family and her. What I will say is that it appears that you and your family have built up some resentment for her (whether justified or not). Some people just cannot have a symbiotic relationship together (platonic or romantic). From the way you describe it, you have had issues with her well before you thought she could potentially be gay/a relationship opportunity, correct? From the sounds of it, you really don't work well together even if she is gay. I think the best thing that you could do is sit down with her as a friend and explain to her some of the issues that upset you. It wouldn't be surprising if she has some items that bother her as well. At least give the opportunity for her to address the issues by making her aware of them. Another note is that if she has a brain tumor and it is sitting on her pre-frontal cortex, it can impair decision making, reasoning, and memory. I do not know if that is what she has, but be cognizant that it is a possibility.
In response to what you've said here: 1. She's not my "type" - I'm not physically attracted to her. 2. She's older than I am, by about 18 years - I prefer women YOUNGER than myself (I'm 30) 3. She's straight (Said so herself). My lesbian cousin's girlfriend was very surprised though when I told her that this friend and I aren't dating, and that she's straight and not my type anyway. She thought we were dating. Now, they're very subtle about their relationship. No PDA, not even hugs. Maybe she thought my friend and I were also subtly dating? My friend was very curious about Pride though, which is perfectly normal. She asked when the next Pride event is, from what time till what time we will be there, what can she expect, etc. Again, normal. There are many straight singles/couples attending Pride. But my cousin's girlfriend thought there was something driving her, something more than curiosity of the event itself. Clearly she gets a massive gay vibe from my friend. She says maybe my friend is so deep in the closet that she doesn't even know it yet. So maybe there IS some underlying reason why she picked ME of all the other women, to be friends with (Other than the fact that I live nearby, so it's not that big of a deal to visit me or have me visit her, since it's not far to drive). I just don't feel comfortable in her presence. I repeat: It's like I have to pretend when I'm with her, and I hate pretending just to fit in...
I mean the simple fact that you do NOT like her is enough to cut the friendship to be honest. It's very apparent from your post you do not like her and haven't liked her for a while, and it's okay but it seems like you want people on here to confirm she is a terrible entitled/selfish person who is potentially taking an illness and that make me feel uneasy. People mind and don't mind different things in friendship. I consider my friends my family, I am actually much closer to my friends than I am my family, so I would feel flattered she felt like that with me. About her being a bit attention seeking. I find myself moaning when I have a cold, I can't phantom having to deal with chronic pain and a brain tumour so I would never begrudge a friend complaining about their life with a tumour. I also know my friends are busy (and lazy) and that sometimes one doesn't want to chat so I don't care if my friend take 2 minutes to answer or a week. I sometimes take over a week to reply too. If a friend wanted to get rid of me for not responding to them immediately, considering them family and complaining about my brain tumour I would think I was well rid. You don't work well as friends so yes you are doing the right thing by moving on.
I think LGBT people in general hate pretending just to fit in more than most people as most of us pretended to be straight before accepting ourselves. I know that is one of my bigger pet peeves. If you do not even feel comfortable around her, it would be best for both of you all if you least take a hiatus from being friends. No sense in continuing a friendship that is clearly bringing more negative than positive to your life.
@Ruby Dragon I've read the op and through some of the other posts, but pretty long so not all of them. From your post only I think you're going back in forth between wanting to be friends with this woman and not wanting to be friends. Why would anything she has done be enough to get you upset to the point to bring it to the forum or to even try to connect with her daily if you did not like her? I think the parts that you really have issue with is her age and your family's reaction. Sometimes when we like someone but everything we inwardly know from how we were raised or just false beliefs puts up walls that try to prevent us from feeling our truth - how your family reacted to her, the age difference between you two, the health issues, and all the other excuses on why you shouldn't be friends or more. I say more because if you weren't interested in her, why would it matter if you couldn't tell if she was bi or straight or whatever. My suggestion would be to have a meetup with her and really talk about it all. She's lived with her brain tumor and all her other health issues so she could totally explain it to you on how it affects her. As for the WhatsApp, so what. She was probably upset with you about how she felt being treating by you with the family situation etc and just didn't want to talk. From how you explained it - in that situation you were pretty shitty.. But I think it is because you do like her and more than friends, just have some issues about your own feelings.
add in - really cool about the board games night... we have one here locally and have wanted to try it out.
[QUOTE="weary, post: 6647614, member: 95975]and all the other excuses on why you shouldn't be friends or more. I say more because if you weren't interested in her, why would it matter if you couldn't tell if she was bi or straight or whatever.[/QUOTE] Well, I have absolutely NO idea where you got that from. I'm NOT romantically OR sexually interested in her! She's NOT my type and I just... Just no. Almost disgusted by the mere thought, and it's not due to how I was raised, what I believe, etc. I'm simply not interested in her any more than (what could've been) friendship, and that's it! And just to be clear: I don't give a rat's arse about her sexuality. I actually just assumed she was straight. No, it didn't matter and still doesn't because I'm NOT attracted to her, and never will be. I probably should let you know the following: Sometime, around two years ago, she sent me a message, asking me why I don't text, call or visit her. She also said that she's not gay/lesbian and just saw another lost soul and thought that since she's a lost soul too, we can lift each other up and become whole again. I never gave a second thought about her sexuality, SHE brought it up... And the only reason why my cousin's girlfriend thought we were dating is because I invited her along to many get-togethers, and that is how she (my cousin's girlfriend) got introduced into the family. And she knows about my bisexuality and must've picked up a gay vibe from her simply because she was being so "clingy" with wanting me to sit with her the whole time. I don't know why she thought we were dating, but I made it clear that there's nothing romantic or sexual between us, that she's not even my type, and that she's straight (Because she said so herself). [QUOTE="weary, post: 6647614, member: 95975]My suggestion would be to have a meetup with her and really talk about it all. She's lived with her brain tumor and all her other health issues so she could totally explain it to you on how it affects her. As for the WhatsApp, so what. She was probably upset with you about how she felt being treating by you with the family situation etc and just didn't want to talk. From how you explained it - in that situation you were pretty shitty.. But I think it is because you do like her and more than friends, just have some issues about your own feelings.[/QUOTE] Again, I don't know what gave you that idea! And no, I do NOT want to sit down with her and talk about it. I do NOT wish to continue with this friendship. Not because of the age difference. I mean, my bestie will be 57 this year! I don't have a problem with that, so why would I have a problem with the person this thread is about's age? Anyway, I'm just going to take it day by day. If she wants to meet up, I will think of something, but I WAS over-sensitive (as always, and as pointed out by my family) and I took offence and got mad because she lied to me, badmouthed our neighbour yet drove with her to a function, and thinks that she's a part of the family, whilst she's actually just a friend ... All of that still boggles the mind, and I'm not sure what the next step is...
After everything everyone here has said, I think you have your answer ^^ If that is your truth, then let sleeping dogs lie and if she contacts you, make it clear that you do not want to continue the friendship. Stop texting, calling, remove her from WhatsApp, facebook etc. Don't lead her on in any manner as to what could be conceived as friendship.
Thank you! And thanks to everybody else for contributing too. I will start by removing her from Facebook. If she asks me about it, I will need to come up with an excuse though - Apart from straight-up telling her that the friendship is over, what should I say? I can't tell her that I'm having trouble with Facebook, because the woman whose baby shower she went to, is also on my Facebook, and they (obviously) still talk to each other... So unless I remove that woman too, I cannot use a faulty Facebook as an excuse, and she will more than likely send me a new friend request after some time.
Yep, these. You don't have to be friends with everyone and it sounds like you don't like her or want to be friends with her - so don't. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and it doesn't make you or her a bad person. You may as well just he honest and tell her that you don't want to continue the friendship and will not be contacting her so you can both move on - try to be kind but clear in the way you do so.
Fair enough - I haven't deleted her from my Facebook yet, and quite frankly, I'm scared to do it. She will more than likely message me asking why, etc. OR show up at my house demanding answers. When I'm done with someone, my tact goes right out the window, so I will not be nice about it at all. I've cut other people from my life too, so I know the drill. But somehow I feel a bit bad for her just for the fact that she, like me, doesn't have a lot of friends to talk to. I have my family, whom I'm really close to, so cutting a friend off is easier for me. But somehow I just can't be mean or nasty, and honestly, there's no nice way to tell someone you're done with the friendship. She keeps sending me messages (mostly forwarded memes and videos) and sent me a link to FUCKING UGLY shoes, and said, "Look how pretty these are, they make them up to size 12!" I wear a size 10, but heaven forbid I put THOSE shoes on MY feet. Gross! I'm VERY picky with shoes and even clothes. Those are, in the first place, way too girly (I'm a tomboy) and in secondly, they're ugly as fuck, even if I did like more girly shoes. The laces are bailing twine too. Uhm, nope. I'm very tempted to send the word "YUCK!" in response, but I'm trying to make as little as possible contact with her, since I've pretty much written her off. If anyone has any advice on how to NICELY let her know I'm done with the friendship, please feel free to share, because like I said, I don't have any tact whatsoever once I'm done with someone. I end up saying things that I would never think of saying to another person, to make it clear that I don't intend on changing my mind. But I just... cannot be mean to her, because I know her circumstances... But the reason I started this thread reminds me again why I'm done, so yeah...
I am sorry but a lot of this post is extremely nasty, I am litterally gobdmacked. I don't even know why you would share the whole shoe story thing and be so mean about her tastes. Okay so you don't have the same tastes, that's fine but thinking of sending back " YUCK" seriously? I thought those post were made by a (potentially mature) 30yo, I have stopped being so mean to people I didn't like back in middle school (and I am younger than you!). Please even if you do NOT like someone don't crucify them publicly like you are doing. I have a feeling this thread wasn't really started to ask advice about how to end your friendship smoothly but made to publically mock someone you don't like, hoping people would join in and comment about how horrible she is. If you do NOT like someone, again THAT'S FINE but you do the MATURE thing and you go for honesty and give them an explanation as in to why you can't see the friendship continuing. If you are going to do that though, I urge you to please BE NICE in your wording, you seem to hate this person almost and you have been pretty horrible with your wording and portrayal of her personality on here, and it would be incredibly mean of you to talk to her about her personality in ways you have done here. She doesn't have many friends and while I wouldn't consider you her friend at all, her only mistake seem to have been to value your friendship more than you do hers so please let her down easy without crushing her ego. Be honest but be nice. And please reflect on to why you are "friends" with people you have so little respect for. Like I said your thread has ended up painting you up in a worse light than your friend and I personally can't fanthom dragging a "friendship" to the point where I loathe them enough to write some of the stuff you have found okay writing in a public forum about them. So if you have trouble setting boundaries with people working on that to avoid being in similar situations later on could be beneficial to you.
@Ruby Dragon I don't think any of us understand your situation here. I keep trying to empathize, but then it's like @Linning says...Why do you say, think, or post what you do? There are many and I mean MANY of us here on EC that have some form of disability or social issues (Physical, Mental, or Emotional) and you just seem so mean. This woman does not need your sympathy as her charity case. In fact if you can't be honest with this woman and treat her respectfully, you shouldn't say anything to her... the best you can do is to delete her contact info from FB - You can actually Block her from FB and even block her number from your phone. If she does happen to show up at your home, which I am guessing she won't as she has been able to avoid you already, I would just not answer the door. Better that than having you say all this awful stuff and treat her like crap.
Thanks @weary I needed to hear that. I don't intend on saying anything to her, so no worries. I only said in the last post that I've cut friends from my life before, so I know the "drill" - However, I wasn't very nice to said "friends" when ending the friendship. I somehow feel like that would be a bit overkill, so I won't say anything hurtful (or anything at all). Yes, I do feel sorry for her, even though she most likely doesn't need or want any pity. I don't want to stay in this friendship though just for the sake that neither of us really have many friends, so I will delete her from social media (Facebook) and block her on WhatsApp. She's smart, so she will either accept that I don't want any contact with her, or call me constantly or even show up at my house unannounced. It's easier to avoid speaking to her on the phone, because I can simply not answer. But what do I do if she shows up at my house? I guess I can look through the window, see it's her and then simply not open the gate for her. She's very determined though, so I doubt she'd let it go that easily. The only other option I have is to tell her the awful truth, and be left feeling bad about being so blunt. Again back where I started when I started this thread... Do I tell her I don't wish to continue the friendship or do I simply block her everywhere and not let her in should she show up at my door (gate)?
It's done. I sent her a message, and removed her from my Facebook. Stated all the facts, as stated in my opening post. The message as follows: "Hi, I thought long and hard about this, and I don't think I can continue our friendship. Many things led to this decision and I feel it's unfair on both of us to pretend that everything is fine. One of the reasons is the fact that you claimed that you didn't use your phone at all during your illness. I messaged you daily to ask how you're feeling/doing. You were online every day, but didn't read my messages, or took the time to reply. The second reason is the fact that you badmouthed [neighbour's name], yet you drove with her to [Pregnant lady's name] baby shower. I feel that if you can talk about someone negatively, and still be friendly to their face, makes me wonder about your loyalty to me... Another reason: Whenever I invited you for a barbeque, you've asked us (me) to buy meat for you too. The butchery isn't far at all, and if you felt like you cannot make the trip, the grocery store 5 minutes from your home also sells meat. I also understand that you don't have many friends, just like me. But I feel like our friendship took a tumble and I don't know if I can continue with our friendship. Feel free to defend yourself, I've had my say and that is final." Like I said, my tact goes out the window when I've written someone off. Rereading the message makes me feel like I could've worded it better/left out some details, but it's been sent and I don't intend on giving her false hope that there's a chance to rekindle the friendship flame. Call me childish or immature, I don't care. Thanks for all the replies, but I've actually already made up my mind, even before starting this post. My intention wasn't to get a few people standing behind me and agreeing that she's an evil/bad person. I just wanted some opinions, and I got many opinions. I thank every single one of you for speaking your minds. She's online at the moment, but hasn't read my message yet. Watch this space for her reply...
Her reply: "I don't feel like I have to defend myself. I will, however, direct your attention to the following: I drove with [neighbour] because she volunteered to have me go with her. I'm not crazy about her, but I'm not going to treat her badly, it's not in my nature. I didn't expect you to buy meat for me too every time. I didn't think that money will ever become an issue between us. The only time I was on WhatsApp, was when I asked my neighbour to take out my dustbin for emptying, and again to ask him to bring it back to my place. I'm sorry you feel that way without taking all the sides into consideration. I'm sure your sister influenced you in your decision. She is your sister after all. I just feel like a person needs more than just a sister in your life..." And so the lying continues. I checked to see if she'd read my messages on WhatsApp DAILY, and she was online EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just that one day... And now she's making my SISTER the bad guy? I'm sorry, but family is family, and she had no right to bring my sister into this! Blameshifting the whole time... In all honesty, I'm glad and relieved that I dove right in and said those things to her. Funny how a person's true colours come out when they're cornered. I'm a nasty, evil and tactless bitch for doing this, but I could never really "click" that well with her. Like I said, it was rocky from the start. Oh well, too late to back out now, huh?
