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What would YOU do in this situation?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GodlyArmadillo, Jan 8, 2018.

  1. GodlyArmadillo

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    Hello forum!

    I'm writing because I'm a bit of a dilemma. The facts are these:

    End of October: I met a really nice, cool, handsome boy at an LGBT Meetup. We clicked quite well, and fast, so I think we had good chemistry. We met a few times (he was very eager to meet up with me) but then, when I asked him if he wanted to meet up one last time before a ten-day trip I had planned... he dropped... "a bomb" on me and told me he had just broken up with his boyfriend of 1.5 years and that they were still "discussing the relationship" (whatever that means?), I told him I'd write him after I came back from my trip.

    Middle of November: So I went and came back, and texted him and got nothing in response. I then waited a few days and texted him and said "Hey, [name], so I guess things are still complicated? Text me if you ever want to hang out." He replied and said "yeah, things are still complicated. Thanks for understanding." And that he hoped to see me around a meetup or such (this hasn't happened).

    Beginning of December: In the interest of still being friends with him, I texted him and asked him if he wanted to go to a Christmas market, he said it sounded like fun, and that maybe he would come along. He then texted me that day and told me he was too hungover, but "thanks for inviting me".

    That was the last time we talked. Now, in early January (more exactly, yesterday night) I was swiping through a certain app that starts with the letter 't' and... lo and behold, there he was. I was with my roommate in the living room and immediately told her, she said I should swipe right and then if he does as well I'll know and we can see what happens then.

    But I don't want to just leave it like that, in the hands of some algorithm, or just "if he swipes right". This is a really cool guy and knowing me, I'd regret it if I don't do something... but I don't want to harass him. So I've given this some thought. Either way, I have an exam on the 18th and I'm focusing on that so whatever I do I'll it afterwards. But here are some ideas I thought about before going to bed last night:

    1. Texting him to hang out one-on-one
    2. Texting him to hang out in a group
    3. Texting him before the meetup and sending something like "hey there's a meetup tomorrow, are you going?"

    Then of course there's 4. which is not doing anything at all. So what would you guys do? Should I do something, just forget about it and let go, or... do you have any other ideas? Thanks in advance!
     
  2. Ride2Relax

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    Maybe a "hey, happy new year! How have you been?" And see if he answers? And then just take it from there.
     
  3. Elendil

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    Honestly, I'd leave it to him to initiate the next contact with you. If you're the one initiating the contact every time and he never does then it sounds like a one-sided friendship where you're invested and he isn't. There's nothing wrong in not texting him anything at this point; if he's genuinely interested in you and how you're doing he'll get in touch with you.
     
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  4. GodlyArmadillo

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    True, but it's been a while. I'm treading the line of "I don't want to have any regrets later on" and "I don't want to harass him". There's another meetup next week, so I wanted to ask him if he was thinking of going.
     
  5. BosiMalkia

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    4. Leave the guy alone. He said its complicated. I do not understand why you would try to keep hitting him up. Let him come to you, he knows you like him already. You do not want to be the reason he leaves someone else for you. Karma is a B
     
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  6. Rana

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    Hi there,
    Okay so this is tricky, and long as hell but it's worth my time because I'm a hopeless romantic and I want to see people happy!
    You have some options so as to not have regrets, but you have to play it right (yes, I hate games too but before you know each other super well, these things are important to getting the person interested enough to want to get to know you). For now, ignore the dating app & don't swipe! I also don't care about his "complicated" relationship because if he's out there on the app, it's not so complicated. You're both in the "getting to know you" stage so he's allowed to date & meet others (until you fall madly in love, have the talk about dating exclusively and take down your dating profiles together).

    Ok pros and cons of your situation first:

    Pros: You have not texted him endlessly. You've kept the texts to a minimum and with a sweet friendly tone, not overly clingy, etc. Kudos to you for that.

    Cons: You have been the chaser for the last 2 or 3 texts...it's you showing interest and him somehow flaking out. This is like putting him up on a pedestal and having him think you'll always be there when he decides to grace you with his presence. Uh uh! No! This ends today! You have to show that you are the real catch and if he doesn't act, someone will snap you up and he'll lose! Your next text invite should give the impression that you're a $300,000 Italian sports car zooming past on the way to your fabulous and super busy life, and if he doesn't get on board quick, you're gone baby!

    How do you do this by text? You have to show that:
    1. you're interested in seeing him (you don't want to sound conceited);
    2. you don't have time for endless chatting by text, and you don't have an open schedule (but since you like him you can pencil him in for a specific time);
    3. and that time is some fabulous event you're inviting him to (and it's fabulous only because you'll be there in all your fun, marvelous glory).

    Let's break this down with concrete examples. The difference is subtle but significant!

    Text #1 (this is the GOOD text):
    "Hi [name], it has been too long friend. How's life treating you? I've been so busy with work & play, I haven't had a second to breathe, but there's this meetup fundraiser thing that seems worth the time so if you want to see me at [time], I'd love to hear your voice."

    Text #2 (the BAD one):
    "Hi [name], I'm going to be at this meetup thing at (time). I hope you can make it. Otherwise we can meet later that night or the next day...what's your schedule like?"

    Okay, do you see the difference?

    Text #1 is from a valuable, busy person who is in demand and if the OP wants to see this fabulous guy, he gets one chance, and the Italian sports car is gone honey! But he's still friendly and shows genuine interest in the OP (he's not conceited).

    Text #2 is from someone who puts OP's schedule before his own, puts OP on a pedestal and is sooo accommodating that he must not have a life (he is not a catch). He shows OP that he'll always be waiting there when OP feels like meeting him, if OP has nothing better to do.

    Try it and see. And if this guy still flakes out, he's a douche that doesn't know a Porsche from a Pinto honey...that's when you zoom away, with zero regrets.

    Much love to you! Good luck!
    ❤️❤️❤️
     
    kscurious, max85 and GodlyArmadillo like this.
  7. Sawyer

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    Option 4. If you keep pursuing this guy, who is clearly not interested, you'll never be able to find someone who actually wants to be with you (friend or romantically). And I am saying this from experience. This guys words and actions don't add up. If he was serious about rekindling a relationship with his ex, he wouldn't be on any dating app. If he is meeting people to make his ex jealous, run away. It never ends well. Do you seriously want someone that emotionally stunted? Like, he was so eager to meet you and then just ghosts you. Those aren't actions of someone who cares about someone else. I learned that lesson the hard way.

    The second I stopped pursuing women that were not interested, was when I was able to meet someone who actually is. For the right person, you'll never have to worry about them ghosting you because they won't.

    As for regrets, you already tried reaching out to him with little or no response from him. I could see if you didn't try and regret that, but you have.
     
    #7 Sawyer, Jan 16, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2018
  8. Rana

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    This is a good point.
     
  9. kitkat0826

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    It sounds like you have been the one to initiate contact every time. I would recommend leaving it alone- he knows you are interested in seeing him, and if he is interested in seeing you, he can contact you this time. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. It sucks, but there's no point in pursuing something with someone who doesn't want it like you do :/
     
  10. GodlyArmadillo

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    Yeah, but he was with someone back in October and now he's on T----r. And he said they had just broken up, but were still "discussing things". Maybe they're officially through right now?

    Haha, thanks for all that, at the very least, you made me smile!

    TBH, from what I gather, he wanted to break up and his ex wanted to stay together. (And they live in different countries.) His actions add up if you consider that it's been 2 months since they were "discussing the relationship". I don't think he's meeting people to meet his ex jealous. His ex doesn't live in this country.

    This is good advice.
     
  11. max85

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    OMG, I am in a similar situation where I'm trying to get someone to meet up with me (see separate thread) and this is such good advice. Like, I sent someone I'm interested in a text with "I'm free Mon, Tue and Thu" this week. Now that I am reading your advice I'm like what was I thinking?! That sounds like I'm sitting in my house, nothing to do, thinking about him. I am actually a crazy busy person and only put the "Thu" in that text because I had something else that I would totally cancel to see him... But obviously how would he know.

    Aaanyways, thanks for that eye-opener! :slight_smile:
     
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