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What was he thinking??!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Southpaw, May 15, 2020.

  1. Southpaw

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    Met a guy for fun a couple of months back. Really liked him. It was mutual. We hit it off immediately.

    Straight away he started messaging me all the time. Sometimes about sex, other times just getting to know me. It wasn't an issue. I liked him and his chats so was happy. Up until the other day he messaged me at least twice a day morning and night. As soon as he woke up and usually when he left work / in the evening. The chats were always fun and long. Sometimes they were suggestive sexually but mostly friendship talk and mutual hints of how we wanted to meet again and try some dates when lockdown was over.

    From the off I knew he was getting over a LTR with a guy who apparently didn't value him at all. Whereas I complimented him a lot, told him he was sweet and cute and returned compliments he paid me. It was all feeling very "boyfriendy". We were so into each other that we agreed to meet again recently. We went for a walk. He was all over me, kissing and staring into my eyes. Very passionate.

    Then he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship. I said I wasn't yet as we hadn't had any proper dates like meals out, cinema etc and hadn't been fully intimate. I was happy to keep the friendship up, date when we could and take it one day at a time. See what happens with no pressure. That was apparently fine.

    I had told him I was still on a dating site but honestly only to chat, as friends, to guys I had chatted to before. I was only interested in him now. He swore he and his ex were history and he wasn't chatting to anyone else either now he was interested in "one person" which he underlined with a wink emoji.

    Just a few days ago we chatted for a couple of hours on the phone in two separate sittings. He was chatty as always and we talked about where we would like to go on dates when this lockdown ends. We also talked usual non boyfriendy stuff like movies and TV. Later in the evening we texted again and our chat got into talking about how we both couldn't wait to get together in the same bed. A chat we have had many times. He sent his usual goodnight kisses by text and said chat tomorrow.

    So that next morning he didn't message as he usually did. I initiated most of our chats that day which turned out to be unusually brief. In the evening he was online but didn't message me until much later, after he'd seen I had been on line for a long time. We chatted a bit that evening but it didn't "feel" right. We said our goodnights later but he was quite brief and to the point whereas he usually made some cute bedtime wish like "Sleep well, sweet dreams, chat tomorrow".

    Tomorrow came and I opened my dating app as I had some notifications and saw a secret profile near me which was advertising "Just out of a LTR so looking for friends and who knows, maybe more". I knew this was him as when I checked the profile 60 seconds later he had blocked me!

    I messaged him to say "I guess that says it all" and he deleted Facebook and Messenger. I left a phone message and texted him and in a little while he did text back to apologise and said he was coming off social media and had already deleted the dating app (he would later admit to me he did that because I found him out). We chatted and he said he felt he had been leading me on and wanted to be best friends. But he said he still 'liked' me, found me attractive still. I couldn't understand how someone could flip their position and do the whole deceitful thing and the blocking thing. He had always struck me as a lovely genuine guy and we had said at the outset we would be straight with each other and not play games like this.

    He still couldn't explain his sudden 180 on me, even though I kept reassuring him I wasn't rushing to date him. Just happy to keep friendly and date when we could and see what happened. He apologised for treating me badly and said I didn't deserve it and I was a lovely person. I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't work him out.

    Next day, Monday, I called him because I needed answers. Nothing made sense. He agreed to meet me to talk it over and find out where we were both at. But he was trying to delay the meeting by a couple of days so it would suit him better. I explained that was no good to me as I wasn't sleeping because of the distress and confusion. He agreed to meet the following afternoon.

    When we met the mood was friendly but cautious. I asked him to be truthful and I said I would too. I had my strong suspicions he wasn't actually over his ex. The ex who belittled him, found him boring and had told him he didn't love him. My 'friend' said he would never get back with his ex and didn't want to but he still loved him because of their time together. He also said he wasn't chatting to anyone else apart from me and didn't want to.

    He told me he still wanted us to be best friends and he also 'liked' me still. I didn't understand the definition. Did that mean he still wanted sex, some dates, see how things go? If you just decide one morning that you only want to be friends with someone then that's what you usually say. You don't say "I want to be good friends with you still, you're a lovely person and I like you".

    And the odd thing is it was all there in his eyes and his chat messages and phone calls right through all this time period. He liked me and obviously wanted to explore that. He talked intimately about us in bed as "lovers". I know in my heart this guy was/is into me as a friend and a lover.

    During this walk he seemed unable to answer questions with credibility or conviction. Eventually he said he had to go to get his bus to work and just walked off. I walked back to my car and we both turned around at the same time, ruefully, and looked at each other.

    That evening I heard nothing from him so I offered the olive branch and texted him to say I hoped he was ok and was sad how things had gone down. He said the same and we kind of smoothed things out a bit and exchanged some light hearted chat too briefly. I said I'd write him my exact thoughts on us, so he'd know my position. That message reaffirmed the fact that I had 'fallen' for him but wasn't madly in love. I said I was in love with our actual friendship, to which he had already alluded he wanted to keep and develop at any cost, regardless of anything else.

    I also explained I understood his head was in a very difficult position because of being unable to get over his ex who didn't want him and that he was having to deal with rejection whilst simultaneously developing our friendship/relationship. It was a long message but I made it reassuring. He thanked me for understanding his position and recognised I needed answers to some of the questions I still didn't understand and that he was going to sleep and would call me next day. He was sweet in the way he said goodnight - back to being how he was.

    Next day - no 'how are you' message from him and when he had finished work there was no phonecall or message to discuss as he had promised and not even a message to check on me or ask if we could delay the phonecall for a bit longer so he could think. That would've been inconvenient but I'd have said yes. He did have time to slim down his Facebook presence while he saw I was online, taking down all of his previous posts and uploading a new profile pic. And he had the time to put a laughing emoji next to another 'friend's not-even-mildly-amusing post. I gave him more benefit of the doubt but two hours later he still hadn't kept his side of the bargain or even messaged to check I was ok, after previously admitting how badly he had treated me. I just couldn't take any more. I blocked him on Facebook and Messenger which I hated doing but didn't do lightly. I didn't want to see his posts and internet presence if he had suddenly done another bizarre, out of character thing like ignoring me or pretending to. Besides, he still could phone me or message me by normal text message if he cared.

    Two days later he still hasn't been in touch. This was a guy who told me 48 hours previously he thought the world of me and wanted to be best friends. Even if he'd told me he was getting back with his ex I would have been upset but would have got over it and I could have honestly seen us staying friends and even getting closer as long as he was truthful and respectful to me.

    Well, I hate blocking. Sure it sent him a message I hope but it didn't give me any closure. Blocking is negative and I reject negativity in my life as much as possible. Today I unblocked him on Facebook and Messenger for my own peace of mind. I did nothing wrong to this guy who I liked a heck of a lot and miss chatting to but he was obviously playing me all along as an emotional crutch and doesn't care about me - or he is still in a confusing headspace. I was told, incidentally, by someone who chats to his ex that the ex had told him not to contact him any longer. My 'friend' had been contacting him the whole time we were developing whatever was between us.

    Any ideas on what happened with this guy and whether I should do any more or just leave it go and get on with my life. My family and friends say I've been hurt enough and he obviously doesn't care - but I just can't equate that with the guy I've got to know every day these past months. It doesn't add up to me.

    Thanks for making it to the end of this complicated post!
     
  2. Username18920

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    He told told he wasn't looking for a relationship, believe him when he says that and don't be surprised if/when you find out he's playing the field, maybe he wants to be friends but really, why would you want to after the way he has handled things with you and made you feel. You can do better than chasing some guy around who isn't interested by his own actions and words. That's my big bro advice.
     
  3. silverhalo

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    Hey its tough and frustrating as it is unfortunately sometimes we never understand or get the reasons why someone has acted the way they did. Maybe in his own mind he doesnt know.
    I think you just need to move forward and draw a line under it, which is of course easier said than done when you really like someone and thought that there was something special between you. You know yourself you deserve better.
    It sounds like his head is all over the place.
     
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  4. Southpaw

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    Thanks man. It's the sudden death of a nice friendship that probably hurts the most and it seems so out of character. I know I can do better, you're right!
     
  5. Southpaw

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    Thank you. Sounds about right. In the last message I sent him I said I'm a very forgiving person as long as people are truthful with me. I don't wish him any ill but I hope he's struggling with his feelings otherwise none of his actions make any sense. Good advice anyway, thanks !!
     
  6. BiGemini87

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    Whatever he's going through, whether he meant to jerk you around or not, you're probably better off moving on. It sucks that things went down the way they did, but better to get yourself out of whatever this is (if he even bothers to talk to you again) than let him lead you on some more. He obviously needs to get his head straight, and you're definitely not beholden to wait around for him to work it out.

    I'm sorry this happened to you, but I hope the next one that comes along is the right one. :slight_smile:
     
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  7. zuice

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    I would apologise to him that you blocked him. If he does not apologise to you for him blocking you, then he is a player. It seems he needed attention and you needed someone to give attention too.If you do not have an effective chatting relationship with him, it was not meant to be a befriending relationship.
     
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  8. Southpaw

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    Thanks so much for the responses. A little update, guys : Having heard nothing from him I just needed to try to solve the mystery and get closure.

    I sent a messenger text asking if him not communicating was the way he was happy to end our friendship. It appeared the message was blocked or he had me on ignore so he could still read my messages secretly

    So I sent the same message as a regular phone text. He didn’t respond. A little while later I followed it up with a brief message saying he’d hurt me and treated me badly yet again when all I’d ever done was show care and friendship. I told him the last week had been hell but I was healing and didn’t want negativity in my heart so I hoped he was ok and getting over whatever he was going through.

    Immediately I noticed he had removed his Facebook account. Not blocked me but taken the account down. It’s not the first time he’s done this and apparently used to do it with his ex. This suggests to me that he either wants attention or that he is also going through a tough time, not knowing where his head is really at.

    I hope that it is a case of him being in a difficult place over me and/or his ex. Not because I’d ever want him to suffer but because that’s the only thing that explains his recent behaviour.

    I just can’t believe he’s really a careless, rude and disrespectful person. I’m usually a good judge of character and I still believe he is the person I met - a genuine, sweet and humble person and hope I can get over him. I miss him being in my life every day and it hurts but I’m moving on now. Meanwhile I’m sending him good vibes. He knows how to contact me if he ever wants to again.
     
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  9. Southpaw

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    I sent another brief message because I'm worried about him. I said "I don't know if you blocked me but I hope you're ok, I don't know what to think". He replied to say he hopes I'm ok too and that he didn't block me but deleted Facebook and Messenger. I replied and apologised for briefly blocking him on Facebook but said I'm sure he understands why I did it and said anyway, thanks for letting me know.

    I still don't know from his reply if he's ok, isn't ok, or if he's totally ok and has just moved on. And he failed to offer an apology for his recent actions. At least I feel satisfied I did the right thing because I wanted him to know I do care. That doesn't mean he'll be able to simply pick up our friendship again if he suddenly decides to do so, as there is some explaining and apologising to do on his side. I'm all for giving people several second chances but soon it will be too late to salvage anything.

    By the very fact he replied I think it probably supports my gut feeling that at heart he's still the nice guy I met but is either being stubborn or his head is still all over the place. I know if it's the latter then I don't want to be caught up in that drama and I'll give him space because I need it too. I'll be here for him when he sorts himself out - as long as that involves a reasonable length of time - but I'm now my own priority and protecting my heart is the most important thing.
     
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  10. Destin

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    He's ghosting you. You made him feel guilty enough to respond saying he didn't block you, but he's still not going to continue with things and acts nice in person because he's too nice of a person to admit he doesn't want to talk. I've met so many people like him. You can drag them along for literally years and they'll never admit it still, they'll just agree to meet maybe once every few months, seem super nice, and then ignore you for months again while thinking they're doing nothing wrong.
     
    #10 Destin, May 19, 2020
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
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  11. Southpaw

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    You may well be right. In which case he wouldn’t be a nice person at all. To ghost someone is calculating and nasty and would contradict his so called
    Christian values. Let’s see how this one plays out. I’m giving him a limited amount of time now to do the right thing whilst getting on with my life. If he really is going through some kind of turmoil then I fully expect him to reinstate his Facebook very soon - I think it’s an attention thing and really
    Not attractive - and if he doesn’t then he really isn’t ghosting me apart from in his head and that says more about him than me. You can’t really ghost someone who isn’t actually that fussed about resuming things. Whilst this guy is losing friends - me and his ex on the same day - I’m moving on and making new ones. But I shall
    give him one more benefit of the doubt, mostly out of interest.
     
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  12. Southpaw

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    I chatted with him on the phone after his ghosting. He apologised and said he felt bad for how he treated me over the last few weeks and we agreed to try to resume our friendship and move on now we had cleared the air.

    However his communication level since hasn’t really been the same. It seemed like he was messaging but then taking ages between responses as if he couldn’t be bothered and was just paying lip service to our “friendship”.

    On my birthday he didn’t contact me til 10pm, asked what I’d been doing. I said it was my birthday. (Has he been communicating as we usually do then he would have known that - at least by messaging me during the day. He had the day off from work anyway so wasn’t exactly rushed off his feet)

    He asked if I’d had any nice gifts. I replied and he didn’t respond. Back to this staggered response thing. I called him on it and said if he was scaling back our communication because he thought that’s what I wanted or because he wanted then as far as I was concerned he didn’t need to feel awkward. He didn’t respond.

    This guy who told me he thought the world of me and wanted to be best friends has a funny way of showing it. I told him I was happy to move on just as friends and pick up our friendship interaction as it was. Thing is, anything less just is a waste of time for me. I expect someone to be mutually invested in me as a friend if that’s what they’ve asked for. He can ghost himself silly. I’m done. He’s got hardly any friends as it is and is now avoiding Facebook and social media. I did like the guy despite what he did to me but I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt. He’s had his last chance now. It’s totally his loss sadly.
     
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  13. silverhalo

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    Definitely his loss, but also time to move on.
     
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