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What now?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Whoami33, Feb 22, 2017.

  1. Whoami33

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    Hi all,

    I'm going through the process of coming out and have reached a point where I'm not sure what to do next. Over the past few months I've ended my straight relationship (of 10 years), come out to close friends and family and I've posted a couple of threads on here. Now I'm not sure what to do from here... I would like to meet some new people but not in a dating capacity just yet... but I would like to talk to people in or who have been in a similar situition. There is not really a gay 'scene' where I live as far as I know and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I feel I still haven't quite accepted my sexuality as I struggle to talk about it openly or say out loud that I am gay. In fact it still makes me cringe just writing it. Not sure why as I know logically there is nothing wrong with it. Is there anyone who is further down the road than me that can offer some advice?
     
  2. Stewie

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    Well I'm in month 9 of my journey, and as with where your at...not much/if any kind of a scene around here, the majority of gay people I've met or spoken too in the last months have been thru dating sites, I've gone on a few dates and would say I had a boyfriend for a few months even, but I'm finding it's a slow process.
    As far as being comfortable talking about or even saying "I am gay" the more you do it the easier it will become, talking and joking with my friends about it helped me get over the "shock value" of hearing those words come out of my mouth:eek:
    I have been in a few social situations lately where I chickened out... and didn't say it... partially out of fear of judgement but also because I was just getting sick of telling my story and even talking about it. I just want to live it. A friend of mine suggested a road trip to a larger city nearby which has a major gay scene and hit a few clubs, just waiting for more of the snow to melt before we go.
     
  3. Lexington

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    You might look just to see if there might be a gay group nearby. Not for dating, but for socializing. Many cities (even smaller ones) have groups that meet monthly for things like cocktails or potluck dinners or a picnic. Just going to an event or two like that might help you get more comfortable with your place in things.

    Lex
     
    #3 Lexington, Feb 23, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2017
  4. Really

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    Maybe google lgbt meetup Peterborough. There were results for both the UK and Canada, depending on where you are. :wink:
     
  5. Zen fix

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    What everyone else said plus maybe hit the gym. You just ended a long relationship. You have a lot of stressful stuff going on. You'll feel better and more "relationship ready" when the time comes.
     
  6. Whoami33

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    Thank you. I will definitely check out meet up at some point. Just worried as I live in quite a small place and worry about seeing someone I know and word getting out. I really wish I didn't feel that way and could be more open and less concerned with what people think. Hopefully I will get there one day.

    Stewie - joking about it with my friends does help me as well. Also going to another city to a gay club is a great idea. I will have to rope one of my straight friends into going with me though! :slight_smile:
     
  7. I'm gay

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    Yes, this right here.

    Finding that place where you no longer care what people might think about you is the most important part of this journey out of the closet. Reaching that place is what allows you to venture forward in total confidence, leaving shame and fear in the past, and is the real key to the authenticity that you seek.

    You will need to let go of attempting to manage other people's perception of you. That's not easy, I know, but do realize that you never really had control over their perceptions anyway. It was always just in your mind.

    Please continue to say "I'm gay" or whatever label you wish to use. It can be very powerful to repeat those words because your mind will begin getting used to hearing it. And yes, you need to do it out loud. Say it to yourself often, many times a day. Stand in front of a mirror and say it. It may seem a little silly, but I found that the more I did it, I began to smile at myself in the mirror when I said it. Finally being able to really look at myself in the mirror and admit my truth is a very liberating experience.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  8. NYCer

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  9. 7889

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    Your post resonated with myself. Over the past year I have ended a twelve year marriage, have struggled with referring to myself as lesbian, and struggle with connecting to the local gay community (because there is not one for later in life lesbians where I live either).
    You said, you feel like you
    still haven't quite accepted your sexuality as you struggle to talk about it openly or say out loud that you are.
    Over time, and with practice labeling myself through many. ..many conversations, I found I have become increasingly comfortable with calling myself lesbian. It took practice. ..and sometimes I will still wimp out and tip toe around the term, but using it gives me a sense of confidence and, as you believe, acceptance of my orientation.
    In any case, I hope to figure out how to connect with other lesbians locally. This aspect of comming out seems most difficult because late in life lesbians do not advertise their orientation. .and there are no organized groups where I live. Northern Ontario could so use a known lesbian bar!
     
    #9 7889, Feb 26, 2017
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  10. Clannad

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    I have just joined some meetup groups for dinners and other activities. Been to three dinners, all been really good, and just socializing and dinner. The last one was last week, I hadn't had a good laugh like that for a long time! And I didn't feel it was gay scene because it was literally dinner at a pub/restaurant.

    Hope you meet a group for social activities soon!
     
  11. Whoami33

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    Thanks everyone. I feel more comfortable saying I am gay than lesbian for some reason, not sure why this is. But when I started on this journey but a few months ago I was scared to even google 'I think I might be gay', really had to push myself even to type it out so thinking about it I've come a long way already, and I guess it takes practice.

    The above comment about getting to a place where I no longer care what people think has stuck with me, this must be an amazing thing to acheive for anyone, gay or straight. Looking forward to getting to that place :slight_smile:
     
  12. Bluenote

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    Whoami33,
    I'm in that same place, trying on the words "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" and it still feels very strange - although it was amazingly freeing when I first admitted it to another person. I really felt that I had been holding my breath - and I could suddenly breathe. I hadn't realized how the fear of self-acceptance had such a grip on me. Now, 3 people in the world know the truth about me - other than me. I don't know how I will get beyond the 3 people who know - or if I will have the courage to move forward. I have so many complications, a 30 year marriage, 2 kids. At least I know this to be true, when I admit my truth, it feels right and I feel I am reflecting my true self and that feels like my true north - and I want to keep heading north!
     
  13. Whoami33

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    Bluenote - I'm facing many complications too. I have a daughter with a man whom I was in a relationship with for 10 years, and I'm finally able to admit I am gay as I have fallen in love with someone else, but they are in a relationship. It's hard and I feel so down sometimes but I wouldn't change it, these feelings have given me the strength to face who I am and to begin this journey to my new life.

    It's very inspiring to talk to you all and hear about your personal journeys, there is so much strength and determination amongst you all :slight_smile:
     
  14. I'm gay

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    Whoami33,

    One additional note from your thread and the comments is that self-acceptance played a large part of me reaching the "I don't care what people think of me" stage. From your posts, it seems like you now identify as gay but are still struggling to be ok with it, and even further from "I love being gay." Once you love yourself for who you are, it makes it so much easier to feel confidence in your orientation, and that then leads to abandoning the seeking of others' approval.

    You might start with small things, such as:

    1. Change your orientation status here on EC to gay instead of Questioning

    2. Say "I'm gay" out loud. Say it again. Say it every day.

    3. Stand in front of a mirror. Look at your eyes. Say out loud "I'm gay" (It may be hard at first to do this, but keep trying.)

    4. Stand in front of that same mirror, looking into your eyes, say "I'm gay. I'm ok with that."

    5. When you can do the above, tell your reflection that you love yourself. Tell your reflection that you love being gay.

    From my own personal experience, and from others here at EC, the mirror is a difficult place to seek validation. It's because you're validating yourself. It took me a long time before I could even look at myself in the mirror. I mean, REALLY look at your eyes, and truly meet your gaze. You can't hide from the mirror, and yourself.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride: