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What my life has become

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by itsaldo, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. itsaldo

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    Hi all, first of all it is very nice to be back writing here after a couple of few years of being a member i can say how much it has helped me over some rough times in my life to write my feelings and hear from others great support and understanding.

    I am hoping to be more active on the forum and to keep writing as well. But i have to acknowledge that every time I am going trough something this would be a place of comfort and advice where I can come into so I want to thank every single member who takes the time to read and reply to pieces of our lifes that we decide to share and how we open our heart out.

    Well to be honest i just don't know how to write about the situation I am going trough, I guess I will just have to say that these are a series of situations that have taken a tall on me and on my mental and physical health that I will describe one by one and see how it is affecting my life. My intention is not for you guys to tell me what should I do but I know i'd like to see how this is percieved by an outside person and to hear how do you percieve it.

    Intro...

    I have been an active forum member for the past 5 years, If you'd like to know a little bit about my background I advise that you go to my past messages to see what I have been through over the past 5 years but here's a little summary:

    5 years ago I met a wonderful guy via facebook, we became friends and then I decided it was time to move on with him we have been together ever since, by that time I had all kinds of problems with my parents including life threats from strangers and also strange things that my mom would to to keep me away of the "gay" lifestyle that I had and until this day she believes is some kind of "trend" that I am following.

    I left everything I had and came to live with this guy that I saw twice in my life before and I was really in love with, I lived in his family house for almost a year and then we moved in together. That was when my life changed for the negative. I started to have a lot of success in my career and job and could afford a bigger place and did everything for us. I needed to travel to other countries and that sparked my boyfriends anger and jealousy.

    I have always had a low self-esteem issues to be honest but this timeframe when my boyfriend and I used to fight for a lot of reasons specially for my job, i felt hopeless and felt like I needed to be in a competition for

    Overall feeling and introspective

    I feel that all these problems that I have had with my family, with my relationship and more important with myself are a weight that I have been pilling up on myself for these past years and that does not matter how much I try I just can't let go and this has affected all aspects of my life so far that I just don't know and not sure what the answer and exit is and when I do an introspective of myself i say, where have I gone?, where is my life going?

    Weight and self-esteem issues

    I feel like the most important roadblock that I have for my current emotional state is my weight, since all these problems begin to appear in my life I have gained a lot of weight almost 70 pounds. This has make me feel so miserable over the past years because it seems that is very related to all this emotional weight that I carry around.

    Since then I don't look myself in the mirror I feel like a monster, I feel like I am unworthy to live and that I have fallen through a deep dark whole where there's just not going back.

    I have been gaining all this weight through these years, over and over and it seems I cannot stop it, I don't have the energy of going out and enjoy the things that I used to without this being an issue. I cannot look at myself in the mirror or a picture.

    I haven't look myself in a complete mirror for the past 4 years. I don't know how I look like anymore.

    I have visited almost 10 therapists over these past 5 years, but I cannot make any progress. I have clearly identified what the issues in my life are like you see on this post. but for some reason I cannot make any kind of progress. I feel stuck and I feel that i am going to regret in years to come for all this damage I have done to myself on the physical side and also mentally.

    I have also tried to be on physician help as some doctors have diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety that is related to my weight gain, Last year I spent half of the year on antidepressants and pills all the time which made me feel buzzed and confused and created another problem in my life.

    Emotional and Health issues.

    All this situation with my weight has led me to take some desperate measures, as I suffered from a eating disorder 10 years ago, it feels that I gained all the weight back and feel like a dissapointment to myself.

    As I mentioned above i started looking for the help of a doctor to get rid of this anxiety that has to do with the mirror and also with my weight and self image. There was a time when I started to mix alcohol with the pills and it really struck me. There were times where I found myself lonely and crying in my house and hopeless. I started to become violent and also in the need for love I started to get on conversations with other guys and also found casual sex just to prove myself that someone cared for me and kept asking all these people if they considered me attractive.

    6 months ago I started to develop a new anxiety, something that has left me feeling unwell and worst of what I already felt for the past 6 months. I started to believe that I contracted HIV, looking every single night if I had the symptoms, sleepless nights and discussions with my boyfriend.

    All for the wrong reasons because every single time I have been with someone I made sure to use protection the correct way and also and made 100% that it was effective. So to be honest there was no real reason for me to be worried about contracting it. However deep down inside of me I wanted to have it I felt that if I got this condition my life would have end up sooner.

    As of right now and after constants visits to the doctor but not being tested because of fear. I have realized I never had a risk of contracting it just because of all of my "symptoms" come from my mind and the doctors and several friends have ensure that I did not have a risk and that I should stop worrying.

    However this has become one more add-in to my anxiety leading me to more weight gain and to obsessive thinking and pushing me even deeper into this tunnel where I just can't see no light.

    Relationship and love life

    Off course that all this feeling has taking a toll in my love life, my boyfriend and I barely share intimacy with each other, I have felt disgusting since i started losing weight. Even though we have chatted about it I don't think he has an idea of how deep this depression is.

    I have also caused issues inside of his family, because I have attracted people in our life who are just looking to get money out of me, I tried to purchase a family that I never had by getting closer to an aunt she has. I started asking his aunt to come and have dinner every single day with us and I took care of all the expenses, this after realizing she was only hanging out with us because of our money and what we could offer to her.

    I have been able to identify this has been a pattern I have followed all my life, with all the relationships I had, trying to win people with money or favors, not because I feel capable or worth of having the care of someone.

    This has led my bf and I to fall into a very tired routine for the past 3 years and he feels it, we don't have friends whatsoever or any other relationship besides our own, I feel that if my emotional situation doesn't get better I will lose him because of how I feel.

    He has changed a lot since that period when we had a lot of issues, he has a job now and looks out for both of ourselves, he takes care of the house and he is always here to support me through all of this, but i don't want to get him exhausted.

    I have also developed a strange feeling towards him, I pictured him with other guys and I feel somehow aroused by that, but I know deep down inside of me that is because of my low self-esteem because I know that i am not worthy of him, that I am just here to serve or fulfill his needs.

    Actually I have started to realize is myself who has put him into this role of me being the provider and he being the "child" but not because he wants to is because I have made it this way. And this has left me feeling sick like I have been the one that has provoked this for himself. Not because my boyfriend does not love me, it is because I don't feel the tiniest love feeling for me.

    He has showed me he is with me no matter what but again, since he's the only real person of my life I feel afraid of losing him because of all of this insanity that I am going through.


    Family relationship

    The relationship with my family is no good either, since I moved with my boyfriend I have seen them a couple of times, but they avoid the topic all the time, they only want to know about my well being at work, how good of a professional I am but nothing, absolutely nothing about my private life with my boyfriend specially my mother who thinks that my life is an imitation of a tv character and that I am following a lifestyle because of a trend.

    Last time that I saw them I put some courage on me and decided to tell them how I felt and that they should respect and give my boyfriend a place otherwise I could not had a relationship with them.

    But every time that this happens is like an non ending cycle that is always happening, they will seem upset that I told them this and then they want to talk to me again like nothing has happened.

    I truly don't know at this time of my life and with all the other 100 worries i am having that are making me miserable if I want to have a relationship with my family, I simply doubt that there is a value for it. All they do is criticize me for my weight and asking if i am taking care of myself but ignoring the most important part of my life that is my boyfriend.

    I just want to say family is family and will always be that way, but I don't see them as a support of find comfort or even reaching out for help. As they represent another anxiety branch in my life.

    Current emotional state

    I feel like all of this things are piling up and honestly, taking the air out of me feel like in a pool of emotional distress that is filling up and has left no room for me to breath. And the proof of it is my weight, my body is covered with stretch marks and honestly feeling that there's just not turning back. I can say that things like work and money feel like a small pressure against all of these but I am just unsure of what's going to help me.

    I am not sure what was the moment where I left myself fell down this deep dark place. I am in distress all the time as I am not that perfect person that I want to be, not for my boyfriend, not for me and maybe not for my family that I stop caring about but feel like the only exit is to leave it all out, sometimes I feel is better to die...

    I feel like even though I am 27 I feel like 80, this has taken a tall on my body, i see pictures of myself before and after and it looks like I aged about 30 years, I am losing my hair, I have no energy to get up get active do something for me for the world. I use work and my passion for it as an excuse to go out of reality and get out of this miserable life with myself that I am living.

    I am constantly looking for ways to end this, I make jokes about dying and suicide, secretly I look for things online that are related to the topic, notes, videos, ways of doing it, just because someday I feel like I am going to end up that way, releasing it, finally letting it go.

    I know this is a coward decision but what else can I do.. I have tried everything I have done everything what does it take for me to gain my spark back? I wonder. I look to my past and I cry because at least I was able to look at the mirror, to feel proud of who I was and to be happy.

    What i'd like to get out of sharing all my feelings with you is to get an outside view, I am just drowning in a glass of water, or what would you do if you were me. I'm I crazy? Should I just lose the hope of everything and get myself checked in in a clinic for mental illnesses? Have you gone through all this anxiety all at once? How did you set yourself free?

    I don't mean you answer all this questions but just to put it here and to make myself feeling heard and not having to pay is enough for me.

    Thanks for your time and sorry about the long thread, I had all of this inside my chest and I just could not hold it anymore.

    A
     
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  2. Wesley007

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    Try to take it one day at a time, focus on the things you enjoy or enjoyed about life and see if it can develop into a new hobby or do things with your boyfriend, look for new outlets to adapt and overcome this.
    Seeing a therapist is a good idea and resource. Try to not focus on the negative and remember you are worthy of love and happiness. -Wes
     
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  3. Patrick7269

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    itsaldo,

    I’m sorry that you’ve been going through a period of real challenge.

    What resonates with me is a feeling that I had in 2001 through 2005. I had lost my first job out of college, I was deeply in debt, I was quite depressed, I moved in with my dad for support until I could live on my own, and I was about 60 pounds overweight. I had been through a suicide attempt. There were a number of things going on that challenged me, but the biggest challenge was that together at once, they were all complicating each other. I didn’t just have to overcome each challenge individually, I had to change my concept of myself.

    Fast forward from 2001 to 2005 - I was trim and toned, buying a whole closet full of clothes that I loved wearing. I had just launched a new career and gotten a certification in it. I was soon to get a new job in a new city with a well-known technology company. I had a circle of close friends that loved me, and I knew who I was. I had found balance in my life again, and it happened over time and over a period of reinventing myself. It wasn’t one thing that made this a golden period in my life, it was all of them together. I was literally as happy as I’ve ever been because I had found balance and wholeness.

    Fast forward to today - I’m still in a golden period of my life. That new career I launched in 2005 led me to a booming city where I live downtown and literally walk to work to do a job I love. I am surrounded by friends. I still work out and eat well, and I still feel mostly balanced in my life. I’m learning the violin, playing with model trains, skiing, hiking, and camping. Although I’m 45 I still feel energy, I still feel young, and I still love my life.

    Today I sometimes struggle with how to appreciate all that I’ve worked for even though I don’t have a wife and kids. Well then, who am I in mid life? What does it all mean? Sometimes I worry that I can’t make small talk about family in the same way as my heterosexual colleagues. Sometimes I still wonder if my family will ever really understand me. All of these are difficult in turn, but my sense of self is basically stable, and I can handle these passing challenges because I know who I am, and I know that I’m very strong.

    My only advice is to really acknowledge that you are going through a major, major challenge in your life, and you have an opportunity to completely reinvent yourself. Think about all that implies! You, and you alone are writing this script, and the best part is there’s no one grading your work that matters but you.

    Okay, nuts and bolts. Get fit physically and nurture your mind too. Eat well, and get enough exercise that you are feeling a rush of endorphins. It doesn’t have to be crazy strenuous, but just get a regular aerobic workout. Eat all kinds of good food, and lose the weight gradually. I was on Weight Watchers and I swear by it.

    See a therapist if you can. You cannot rebuild your life thinking (and believing) toxic thoughts. If you’re like most LGBT people you have grown up with all kinds of shame, and I don’t think your family is supportive in the way you need them to be. That’s okay, because you are capable. Accept what they can give and create your own abundance. That therapist can help you write the script of your life. This is so important because the things you experience and make real tomorrow are the direct result of the things you are thinking today. Think about this and understand that you are at a mental, physical, and spiritual crossroads. You must believe in yourself by simply choosing to.

    Be with people. This will be hard at first, because in depression you only want to hide. I understand. But start gradually, perhaps through fitness, a hobby, or volunteer work. Gradually shift your time away from solitude and integrate people and social things into your life. Do things you already take interest in, but do them with people. And honestly, if you’re in a relationship, get that support you need or find a better fit. Being single is far better than being with someone who doesn’t understand or support you through this.

    These things will take time, and you will probably not feel significantly different for months or even a year or two. But just trust yourself that you are capable of reinvention. Today I’m sitting in the middle of a life that I couldn’t have even imagined in 2001. I was so sad, so bitter, and I felt so alone then. I promise that if you take on the full challenge and stop at nothing you will make it.

    *warm, warm hug from the US*

    Patrick
     
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  4. Patrick7269

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    Correction - I mistakenly thought that your boyfriend wasn’t supporting you well, but it sounds like he is. I hope you can have faith that you deserve his love. He does sound like a good, supportive partner. As long as he’s supporting you through this challenge I would stay with him and try to remember that you deserve his love.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
     
  5. itsaldo

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    Thank you Wes, I believe you are right, I will try to set myself aside for sometime to refocus on what's important. I know that I can overcome this is just that everything seems so dark right now. However i am very self conscious that this isn't by any means a normal state and that I just can't spend my entire life blaming others or the circumstances for my unhappiness.

    Thanks for the kind words.

    A
     
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  6. itsaldo

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    Patrick, i want to start by saying Thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read through the whole thing and for such a wonderful reply. I am a very good person in identifying what aspects I need to change, however as you mentioned this is very hard to overcome and right now I am in a place where I just can't see any light in the tunnel. This does not mean that there is not it is just that I am not focusing on the right things.

    One thing that i'd like to ask you is... What was the moment when you realized everything had to change? What was the spark that woke you up from the state you were at?

    I am asking because I can relate to all that you wrote, I can even tell you I have a closet full of clothes that are brand new that i bought waiting for that moment to arrive and I am still waiting for the past years to do so, but everything seems to be worsen.

    I can also tell you that my career is the thing that I think keeps me up and breathing, I am very successful in what I do and receive a lot of appreciation and recognition from other people, which seems to be important for me because I cherish that so much, plus I absolutely love what I do for a living since I was in high school.

    However I feel that my current state emotionally speaking dims out all the potential that I have though I came a long way, I foresee that If I am able to overcome this state, the sky will be the limit, this is something that I told one of the therapists I had sessions with last year and she also helped me acknowledge that.

    Again thanks so much for your answer, and that helped me realize that I am not the only one who ever felt that way and that someone is there to hear me out.

    Another thing.. on my boyfriend, yes he is supportive I can say that he has changed so much since we had a lot of issues, but he has told me that he is tired of me feeling this way for the past years, that he is young and that he feels sorry because he feels that he has a relationship with an old man, to be honest I don't blame me him he supports me but at some point he has to express his feelings as well. This is one of the things that urges me the most.

    We are a young couple that has all the world of possibilities in front, beginning with their life together even though we already spent few years together, and what scares me and haunts me the most is the way that I am wasting it by feeling this way.

    we have been trough a lot together bad times and good times, but I haven't being able to enjoy any of those things because of how i feel, so I think the right approach would be focusing on myself first and then the happiness of those who surround me will come as a natural step.

    Again thanks for sharing such personal details with me, I appreciate it and if you can answer to my questions that would mean a lot to me, thanks for the kind words and for the hug, again like i said I needed it from this community.

    Aldo
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    How vulnerable have you made yourself with your boyfriend? Have you completely and totally opened up to him? I get the sense that you may be holding back from telling him everything.

    Building self esteem and confidence which will lead to loving yourself, is the critical objective for you. By Making yourself vulnerable, over time you may be able to build that self esteem and confidence.

    While you do, you can work towards finding closure from the perceptions you have regarding your unsupportive family, and learn to move on from their Negativity.

    It’s your life, you don’t need your family. You have someone that sounds truly special with your boyfriend.

    Find closure, put your family behind you, focus on your boyfriend, make yourself vulnerable, build self esteem and confidence, love whom you are, and get on with life.

    When you do, you will walk by a mirror and realize how beautiful you are.
     
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  8. Wesley007

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    Hey A,
    Every day there is both dark and there is light which means there is a way to balance it all out.
    If you need to vent feel free, don't let the darkness swallow you up, I know it is hard believe me I totally do, here is a simple formula to work on it.
    Take three deep breaths close your eyes and focus on your goal, you are present, you are in control, you are where you need to be, you are going to be ok. Repeat those things in your head and you will feel calmer, then go for a walk either alone or with your boyfriend, then go get something to eat. You have to nourish yourself within and externally and reset each time you have a problem. Set a goal for each day. It can be a silly goal, a serious goal or anything really but the main thing is to set the goal and get it done. Lean on your boyfriend and us at EC because you got this. You can do anything. You have made huge progress before and you can again. Don't give up and you are welcome.
    -Wes