Hi. So I'm a 17 year old male and my sexuality is very... confusing. I joined this website back in 2014 and I have already posted a lot but I honestly still feel confused. So... to explain. When I was 10-11 I had my first romantic relationship which was with a girl from Australia. It was a long-distance online relationship. I felt a very strong emotional connection with her but I'm not sure if I can say I was in love with her as I was so young and we never actually met each other in real life. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that I always knew that I liked girls when it came to romantic relationships. I did have male friends growing up and I got along with them fine but I've always been extremely off put by the ways guys behave and what comes to them naturally and their masculinity. Like they were fine as friends but it would be impossible for me to have a stronger emotional connection with them as I just don't feel love for the male nature. I love everything about girls/women. Even before puberty when I saw male vs. female bodies I would be put off by the male body and grossed out by it but kind of attracted to the female body. Women are different from men due to the influence of hormones (just ask any trans person who has been on both testosterone and oestrogen) and also wiring in the brain (duh) so even the most feminine guy I do not feel a proper emotional connection with... because he is still a guy at the end of the day. Also the way men and women interact with other people is different of course. But this is the weird part... when I hit puberty I was sexually attracted to men. Like really sexually attracted to men lol, e.g. masturbating once a day about them at the peak of my sex drive when I was like 14. I also started to feel attracted to the guys physically in real life. I still feel sexually attracted to men now at the age of 17 (although my sex drive has decreased massively - is that concerning? But I do have more emotional issues now so that makes sense.) I don't know why I'm like this? I've tried really hard to like guys romantically but I just don't. It is NOT, I repeat not because of me being conditioned by society to feel more emotionally connected to women and that I'm just not used to emotional connections with men. It is genuinely the way I'm wired. I just feel nothing for men in that way no matter how hard I try. I honestly get grossed out by seeing two men kissing in the context of a romantic relationship. When there is sex afterwards I find it hot but otherwise no. All guys I have ever liked has been because of their looks while with girls I don't care as long as they have a good personality. I could see why it would be because of society when I was younger and 10/11 sure. But I'm 17 now and very accepting of me being gay and sexually attracted to men and yet I still feel the same way. It's so upsetting being this way. I want to be like the other gay guys but I'm not. And nobody actually believes me when I say I'm this way, and even now I will get responses from people saying "If you can feel sexually attracted to men, you can be in a romantic relationship with them, you just have to get used to it because society is so dominated by examples of heterosexual relationships." Okay, but I will never fall in love with that person no matter how hard I try. I've did research on the causes of sexual orientation and the theory that prenatal hormones influences it really sticks out to me. This may sound bizarre but I honestly believe that perhaps the areas of my brain which deal with sexual attraction are geared in a "female" or "feminised" way and the areas of my brain which deal with emotional and romantic relations are geared in a "male" or "masculinised" way. I'm not trying to be offensive when I say that - I'm very aware that being a gay male does not equate to being feminine. But sex differences in the brain are very real and evolutionary speaking Men have evolved to be attracted to Women and vice versa due to procreation, and testosterone in the womb making the baby male will also make him alongside that usually/typically interested in more male interests - including being attracted to girls. Of course many people these days seem to think gender roles are "evil" and that you should try and avoid them in relationships as they are 'oppressive' (probably due to feminists and their whole 'gender is a social construct' thing) but the reality is that Gender roles are a very real biological fact - at least in my opinion they mostly come from nature more than nurture. I just know that a huge factor in me being off put from boys in that way, especially when I was a child and more in touch with my desires than I am now, is that it made me feel like I was taking the 'female' role on almost and it felt wrong to my brain (due to the sex differences). By that I mean, boys and girls and men and women have a different way of communicating and being and the way I was and am able to communicate and form a relationship with a woman allows me to develop an even further bond, while this doesn't happen with men and I am only capable of being friends with them. That wasn't because of society, as I was always never afraid to express interest in 'girl stuff' as a child and was not repressed in that way from my parents, it was literally because that was and still is how my brain is wired. I also notice when it comes to me watching, fantasising about gay sex (which does feel right to me of course lol) is that it is kind of impossible for us to really be both entirely 'masculine' in the way we have sex (in my head). There has to be some sort of element of 'femininity' or a 'female communication pattern' for the sex to work due to the existence of gender roles (or should I say, sex roles). Anyway, you catch my drift. I'm a 'heteroromantic homosexual' and it's really hard and upsetting. But I'm glad I at least have a label for it because now I will stop trying to force myself to like guys romantically to be like other gay men. I wish I was at least bisexual but I'm not I would like to have a girlfriend but I just don't feel a sexual interest. The prenatal theory is just well... a theory of course that I have developed into my own theory to explain myself so it could not be the reason I am this way. But it seems likely to me based on my experiences. It would be cool if I could one day get a MRI scan of my brain because they have identified differences between gay men's and straight men's brain and also with straight and lesbian women too (not sure how much testing there has been on bisexual brains). If what I have theorised is true I would feel so relieved. But it's not going to happen anytime soon https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/...innate-gay-men-respond-to-male-sex-pheromones Here's an interesting article about this topic if you want to read it. There is a lot more evidence if you just go looking for it!
Hey buddy! First of all, I'm sorry you've been having such a stressful time. Sexuality can be really confusing and worrying, I know. I would warn you that looking for explanations for same sex attraction on the internet is a rabbit hole, and it seems like everyone's got a weird and wonderful theory. Some of it is interesting, sure - but if something was proved conclusively it would be widely accepted, and at this stage no-one knows for sure how these things work. Please do take everything you read with healthy skepticism. Of course you want an explanation for the way you're feeling ("there must be a reasonable scientific explanation for this!" haha) but sometimes excessive searching can lead to even more anxiety. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm another person simply dismissing your opinion that you're 'hard-wired' not to experience romantic attraction to guys. However, I would say that you should never underestimate the power of the mind. I'm happily in a relationship, but even I sometimes find myself feeling uncomfortable when I see other gay couples kissing. Once I get over my initial gut reaction, I'm happy for them obviously but why do I have that gut reaction in the first place? Possibly my upbringing, and possibly because there's an element of survival learned early on when you are hiding something that you don't want to be 'exposed' so the best thing you can do is get as far away as possible. I guess people would call that repression or self-loathing. Not that I'm saying that's the case with you, I'm just saying there are lots of factors to consider and that not all queer people have an easy ride with their feelings when it comes to relationships. It doesn't always come naturally. In fact, it's quite common to hear young people saying that they're literally disgusted by the idea at first. I know you feel like it's stronger than that, and that you're just incompatible, but I'm just letting you know that you're not the only one who has felt or feels that way. It's not something you can force yourself into, it's about exposing yourself gradually to different people and experiences until you finally find what's right for you. You're still pretty young! Don't put pressure on yourself to be ready for a relationship with anyone just yet. I know you're desperate to know you're at least on the right track: "Who should I be dating?", "Will I ever fall in love?" etc. I do understand, but it sounds like you've got a lot going on right now and it's okay that you don't have to have all the answers. These things do take time to fully understand. It's important to remember that not everyone is the same, everyone is unique and thus-far your experience is only based on the people you've met. You haven't met the right person (male or female) that connects on a physical and emotional level yet - but that does not mean that you won't.
exactly. youre 17. give yourself time and i know it feels all encompassing right now. but if youre that concerned about it then theres a really good chance youre what you say you are--but just give it time.
