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What is wrong with me? Should I really go into a relationship with him?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dosax, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. dosax

    Regular Member

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    Hey.
    I have a problem. First of all: I'm male, 19 yo and gay. Sorry if my english is bad, it's not my birth language.
    I have a question about this boy I know... and about myself. I know that boy since a few months and we are chatting a lot since a few weeks. He said he wants a relationship with me. The thing is: He's not only very possessive but also wants me to do everything he says. He told me very often the last weeks that I have to do EVERYTHING he wants and that I have no choice. He also is like I said very possessive and for example wants me to make pictures of all my male friends and send them to him so he can see how good looking they are and then tell me if I'm allowed to meet them anymore. Another thing is: I'm mentally ill. I frequently cut or burn my arm and have suicidal tendencies. I also take drugs. And he's not a bad person, he actually really wants to help me, though in an unconventional way. He said I will have to come to his flat and then he locks me up in said flat and if he has to he wants to tie me up until I "learn" to live without drugs. He says I'm not allowed to cut or burn myself anymore. By the way, he's the top and I'm the bottom. Well, that's what I wanted to tell you about him.

    Now about myself: I have several mental disorders. Depression, schizophrenia, OCD and last but not least the borderline personality disorder. I don't know if anyone here has knowledge about borderline, but I guess it's well known that borderliners have an abnormal need for proximity and closeness. In my opinion most borderliners also have BDSM tendencies - because of their contrasts between controle and loss of control. And proximity and distance. That said: I have this sick part of me that's aboslutely possessed with the way that guy I described above is behaving. His possessiveness and jealousy and this part of him that wants me to completely belong to him and do everything he says... It satisfies my deepest needs for proximity. I really want to lose all controle, all freedom and let myself belong to him COMPLETELY. I want to give him complete controle over all of my decisions. It satisfies me like nothing else could satify me. I WANT to do everything he says. I WANT to belong to him like a "thing". And what makes it worse is that he actually cares about me and wants to help me - that means he isn't some egocentric guy that just wants someone to be his "play toy". He actually wants love. And I want love as well. BUT I think you guys have noticed that something's very wrong with me. I feel completely SICK for feeling the way I described. I hate myself so hard. I feel broken and I feel like my inner emotional balance is out of controle. And now I'm thinking about if I should let him be my boyfriend. I mean... both of us - me and him - are kinda "sick" in a way. I feel like we would be like ying and yang. He's the black half and I'm the white. Both of us have needs that are really extreme and not normal or healthy anymore. I'm scared. Scared of myself and scared of what would happen if REALLY let him be my boyfriend. Would it be wrong? Would that be a BIG mistake? I don't know anymore... I feel so bad. I feel absolutely sick about myself. I'm 100% sure that this sick part of me has a lot to do with my borderline personality disorder. I just KNOW it.

    Please help me... I need some good advise on what to do. I'm very unsure.

    Thank!
     
  2. resu

    Advisor Full Member

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    Welcome to Empty Closets, and thank you for your questions. It takes courage to ask for help.

    You are describing an intense situation, but this is not your only relationship option. You always have a choice, and being single is better than a toxic relationship. This guy's proposals are just replacing one set of destructive actions (drugs and self-harm) with another set (locking you inside, restricting your friends), stunting your self-development. Insecure and manipulative men fear "good-looking" friends. Moreover, you can't trust this is all he might do to you, and you could be seriously risking your safety and happiness.

    Instead, you should pursue relationships (not just romantic but with friends and family) that are healthy and will help you grow as a person. Healthy relationships are about mutual respect and understanding. People who can't control themselves try to control others, and this guy is a control freak. You can choose better.

    Besides positive relationships, try to find positive activities like some creative work (art, music, writing, etc.), being in nature, taking some class, or anything else you find interesting. Avoid the temptation of isolation; you know the places that make you feel truly good.

    Also, consider talking to a professional counselor who understands BPD; counsellors know how to help without controlling their patients. If you can't see a counselor soon, at least talk to a trusted friend or family member.