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What is "Toxic Masculinity"

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, Nov 1, 2019.

  1. Nickw

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  2. I'mStillStanding

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    Sooooo good! I don’t know why but it reminded me of a joke that I see circulate social media from time to time about gay men. All gay men suffer from mental health issues, anxiety, depression, insecurities, etc. tops never talk about and bottoms never stop talking about it. It always rubbed me wrong but I never could but my finger on why... now I can. A “man” does not share his troubles... ridiculous!
     
  3. maybgayguy

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    This has become a really depressing thread to me.

    Yes we need to treat everyone with respect, humanity, love and compassion. The diversity of people, ideas, behaviors and desires is wonderful. This is one of the things that gives me joy and meaning.

    However, I see a dark side in this discussion.

    A lot of us spent many years hearing from others about how being gay was dirty and impure. This was especially true in religious education (Sunday school or Wednesday night CCD for us recovering Catholics).

    Now here, the gay part is celebrated (yeah!) but the masculine part is what is dirty, impure - toxic waste. It feels like jumping from one religion into another.

    I am proud of who I am and ok with who I am attracted to. I am proud of my upbringing (well I could have done without the Catholic part) and where I came from. I treat everyone with respect and embrace individuality.

    I for one, don’t need to battle some vague, buzz-word laden “toxic waste” that people on this website tell me that hidden inside me.

    I am not a fan or original sin of any kind.
     
  4. I'mStillStanding

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    This comment made me sad. In no way do I think being masculine is toxic at all... like I said above I actually find it really sexy. I have a good friend who does balance between the two really well... but when ever he’s doing the things that are traditionally viewed as masculine (like working in his shed on his chainsaw) good lord lol I have to keep myself in check. There is nothing toxic about masculine behaviors. There’s something very toxic about thinking a masc gay is more of a man than a fem gay, or a straight masc man is actually a real man verses anyone else... I mean there’s a lot more to the topic laid out in the thread but these are just examples. My up bringing is littered with toxic masculinity and homophobia... but I don’t look back on it with hate or distain because I have so much joy to look to. And battling with in yourself sucks so it’s great not to do it. It’s like gay guys who’s struggle with internalize homophobia it sucks trying to sort that out...

    I just hope that we stop telling little boys they can’t show emotion, that having strong bonds (or bromances) is gayish, that they can’t be free to express themselves in more colorful ways and play with what ever the hell they want. That would be a great first step in my opinion.
     
  5. Nickw

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    I apologize that you find this thread depressing. One of the reasons I started this thread was to just lay things out in the open. There are a lot of different opinions on what is toxic behavior and what isn't. And, how we incorporate what we learned growing up into how we relate to other people is what is really important. Not that there is something wrong with us. Some of us have strong opinions and maybe that raises some hackles a bit. But, I see that as OK because I might react to it defensively. But, ultimately, it stimulates some introspection on my part.

    We all come to this place with different life experiences. There is not ever going to be a one size fits all behavior. Wouldn't that suck anyway?
    I have always accepted OTHER people. But, I have had a lot of trouble accepting parts of ME. This is rooted in a combination of things I am sure including perceptions of masculinity, my religious upbringing and my cultural exposure. Honestly, there are some parts of me that that are also rooted in these same places that I do not want to change because I am who I am.

    When I came out to my wife I told her this about my sexuality..."I cannot change who I am. If I start to choose pieces of me to discard, I don't know what I will have left. I don't know what parts of me make me laugh, make me care, allow me to love". We do have to be careful to not become sort of idealized version of what a gay person is just as we shouldn't have this idealized version of what a straight person is. That doesn't mean we should turn away from learning more about ourselves.
     
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