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What if it is all in my head?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Being Jess, Aug 1, 2019.

  1. chicodeoro

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    Hi Jess, pleased to meet you!

    I have been through exactly these same thought processes! And I can totally relate to your earlier posts on this thread. Like you, I realised I was trans later in life - indeed it was just five weeks ago. I've been through moments when I've wanted to run away from it all and put it down to just being 'a phase' (again!) But I can't and it feels scary and daunting and yet incredibly free-ing at the same time.

    But I know now that it's real. Every night now I drift off to sleep with thoughts of the future, of one day having a body that feels right to me and one day being recognised and accepted (and who knows, maybe even loved) as a woman. I know I have to try for reach for that now. To me, there is no alternative.

    Beth
     
    #81 chicodeoro, Jun 9, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2020
  2. Being Jess

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    Hey Beth

    It is lovely to meet you too. Well done on choosing to be in integrity with yourself and deciding that what you want for your life is more important than the illusion of acceptance we tend to make sacrifices for.

    So many people live their lives for others - be it family, friends or total strangers - and somewhere in our mind we have this belief that if we just do what our programs have taught us to do we will live this wonderful life where everyone will think we are good and tell us we are ok and pat us on the back and say "Good Job".

    My grandparents died some years ago. Their ashes are in an urn in my dining room. I often think about all the things they did not do in their lives because they were so worried about other people - everybody has those things in their life, not just LGBTQA+ people. Some people dream to be artists though chose to be accountants (not saying there is anything wrong with accountants, just an example). The ironic thing is those hopes and dreams died with them and all the people who's opinions they cared so deeply about are also dead.

    In the end whether they decided to be true to themselves or not, none of us get out of this life alive. We have limited time on this planet and so it only makes sense to live life in integrity with one's Self. With harm to none, of course.

    Yes it's scary and yes it's filled with doubt and pain and regret - though it's heat and pressure that changes the piece of coal into the diamond.

    It's also filled with excitement and serenity and joy and truth and purpose and beauty and life.

    In time it becomes normal and less scary and less doubtful and less painful and there are fewer regrets, though it never stops being an amazing privileged to be in a position to choose the path, walk the path and live the path in total integrity with who you really are.

    Living a single day out of integrity with one's Self is not living - it's waiting for death. We must be who we are - regardless of what we have to do to be free. With harm to none, of course.

    I wish you love and light on your path my friend and thank you so much for taking the time to send me a message.

    xo
    Jessica
     
  3. LaurenSkye

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    All of that I stated earlier have been about the only good things going on with me. My support group has not been meeting in person, just online, but I can't do video chat because I don't have home internet other than my phone and it's data plan (I usually use the library for most things). And now they're planning for international non-binary day, but it might be another video conference, which I can't do. On top of that, everything going on in the world has really played havoc on my depression and anxiety.

    But, I'm trying my best to focus on the positives whenever I can. I've started using the name Lauren in public. I've always loved that name, it's the feminine version of my given middle name Lawrence, which is a name that has been passed down in my family. And the friend I mentioned has been going through some rough times with their mental issues and everything going on in the world, so I have been making sure to try and cheer them up everyday, if only briefly. This may sound strange but I almost feel like they are my platonic soul mate--someone who I'm not sexually/romantically attracted to, but I feel like they were meant to become my friend.
     
  4. Being Jess

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    I notice that the emoticon under your profile pic says depressed. What's the cause of your depression and how long have you been suffering from depression?
     
  5. LaurenSkye

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    It had been building for years. Then about two years ago it really increased, along with my anxiety. That was when I decided that I had no choice but to talk to my doctor, who put me on medication. The medication isn't perfect, but does help quite a bit. But recently with everything going on in the world the past few months has really taken a toll on my overall mental health. A lot of the fighting and anger is especially triggering for me between my depression and anxiety, my autism, and personal history with people arguing. Basically there are good days and bad days.