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What if it is all in my head?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Being Jess, Aug 1, 2019.

  1. LaurenSkye

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    You didn't answer these questions yourself, so I will answer for myself. (You can probably tell by the font color which way I'm leaning).

    1. If I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow as a girl, with everyone else understanding you and relating to you as a girl, irrevocably but painlessly, would you press it?
    Probably, yes.

    2. Alternatively, if I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow still as a guy, but without any of the gender issues you've been having, not questioning your gender, and able to live happily as a guy with zero dysphoria, would you press it?
    Only if said girl button did not exist.

    3. If I had both of those buttons, which one would you rather press, all other things being equal?
    Probably the woman because I would likely still be a bit girly and want to be in a relationship with a man, both of those would be easier if I was a woman.

    4. If I had a test that could tell you if you were a guy or a girl, which answer would you be hoping for as you took it? Which way would you try to skew your answers, if you did (consciously or not) try to skew them in either direction?
    I would probably skew toward woman but only if the I could possibly truthfully answer multiple ways.

    5. If you washed up on a desert island, by yourself, but with any amount of both male and female clothing, with no hope of rescue but otherwise everything that you needed for a relatively healthy and happy life, would you choose to present as male? female? neither? a mix of the two? one way some of the time, the other way the rest? If for some bizarre reason a lifetime supply of hormones washed up with you as well, do you think you'd take them? What if you washed up with the button from the first thought experiment - in a situation where you were by yourself, would you press it?
    So all of this stuff keeps washing up and no one's there to rescue me? What is this Gilligan's Island where visitors come and go and no one ever gets rescued? I think I would dress one way some of the time and the other way. No to the hormones because I don't know what medical problems could arise. Once again "probably, yes" to the button. And while all of this stuff is washing up, can I get an extremely large pepperoni pizza? A girl needs to eat.

    6. Let's say I had a test that asked about all of the things, very thorough, and at the end it would tell you, with 100% accuracy, whether or not you were trans. So you take it, and it tells you, "Well, you've got some mild gender confusion, but you're definitely not trans, and you shouldn't transition." How would that make you feel?
    I think that's probably how the test would come out if I took it, so I would accept that.

    7. On the other hand, what if the test told you "Yup, you're definitely trans all right, and you should probably start planning your transition." - how would you feel about that?
    Nervous. Transitioning is a long, difficult process. I'd much rather go with the button.
     
  2. Being Jess

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    I love your sense of humor! You really had me laughing on the island answer! Pizza, fuck yeah!

    So this Youtube video popped up - the top five trans movies, one of them being "it's a boy girl thing" - not a transgender movie at all - just a boy and girl who swap bodies due to a magical statue in a history museum and have to endure life as the opposite sex. All I could think about is where do I find such a statue - one wish in front of it and tomorrow morning I wake up as a girl.

    It's getting more and more difficult to not feel super depressed when I look at women in movies or real life and think about how lucky they are to have their bodies while I wait patiently for mine. I have a lot of awesome girlfriends who don't like the way they look or are unhappy about their weight and all I can think is do they ever wake up in the morning being grateful for the fact that they are a girl in a girl's body.

    I did answer those questions, though not in the post. If there was a button that I could press I absolutely would press it. If I wrote a test I would skew the answers so the outcome would be trans female (I remember doing that when I filled out a couple of the online questionnaires before my first post on this site) and the answer to the final question is absolutely.

    I stress because I know I am wasting so much time - being 37 I have already missed out on so much. I never thought I would have wished that I transitioned earlier in life because I felt that my life was exactly how it was meant to be up until this point, though I do wish I had of transitioned earlier.

    I see girls on Youtube that got SRS at 24. Their whole life in front of them and so much more time to be their real selves.

    Not much I can do about that, I am doing my best to get my life sorted. I don't care how painful or scary the road ahead is - I am ready for it.

    I cannot spend another day of my life living a false life because of what other people think. I keep reminding myself that there is never going to be an award ceremony where everyone that has judged me is going to gather and give me a medal for living my life the way they wanted me to.

    If people, strangers, family, friends, whoever, cares that much about me then they can rather pay my bills. That's a far more useful way for them to spend their energy on me.

    And if they aren't willing to pay my bills because that's not their responsibility then their opinions are just talk and they don't really care about me, they are just projecting the fears and insecurities they have about themselves onto me and I have no need for that. It does not serve me, it does not serve them - so frankly they can suck a bag of dicks.

    Of course, I don't really need anyone to pay my bills - I am just saying this because it makes an excellent point.

    We all die in the end and one day, just before I take my last breath, I want to know I died as me and not as the person everyone else wanted me to be.

    I do hope that is not anytime soon because I still have a lot of work to do, not just for myself but for the others like me on this planet.

    We have to be the change we want to see in this world and it's about time the beautiful flowers fought back against the flat foots that keep trying to stomp us out of existence or push us to the suicide for being who we are.

    We will not be silenced, we will not be hidden and we will not be ashamed.

    We are trans people, hear us roar!

    Here's to the bravery of every trans man and woman out there. I solute you! Your courage gives me courage!

    kisses
    Jess
     
  3. BroRhap14

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    This is the most inspiring, beautiful post I have ever read. I am almost intimidated enough to not add my 2 cents but I wanted you to know that. I'm experiencing similar things but from a female-to-male point of view. Coming out as a demiguy has been eye opening and scary and awesome and indifferent. Your words inspire me to keep being me and sift through my thoughts as needed, even on dark days. Keep it up, girl. I wish you well!!!
     
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  4. Jacqui H

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    You go Jess!!!

    Have we met on a different site. Your name is very familiar.

    I totally agree with you. I didn't come to my self acceptance till about 50. Now, I am moving slowly but surely in the right direction. I have been lucky with the easiest coming out and support. I feel better than ever. Some weird medical things that hounded me for ages, cleared up when I accepted myself. My spouse says it's so much nicer to be around me.

    You accept all you need to . It was a great post.

    Warmly,

    Jacqui
     
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  5. Being Jess

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    You know that you actually brought tears to my eyes - oh my god bro, may I call you bro? I have not read that post since I wrote it... WOW how much I have learned and accepted since then. My biggest challenge right now is a financial one, though I am working on that and soon I'll be back on HRT for good. I can't wait to feel myself again.

    Please tell me what your experience has been like, what joy do you experience, what challenges do you face, how has your journey been?

    Thank you for your beautiful words and taking the time to send me that message.

    xo
    Jess
     
  6. Being Jess

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    Thank you Jacqui - it must have been Youtube perhaps? Maybe a comment on a trans video?

    Isn't it amazing how testosterone affects a guy when they are actually a girl? When I was on HRT, before I hit a financial wobble, for the first time in my life I felt like everything me (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) was totally aligned. It was absolutely incredible and I can't wait to get back to the medical part of my transition.

    How are you doing? How is your journey going? What's your biggest achievement for the year?

    So very nice of you to have taken the time to write me a message, thank you for your time and positive vibe :slight_smile:

    xo
    Jess
     
  7. Jacqui H

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    Jess,

    I totally get what you are saying about HRT. It really changed more than I thought. Plus, while I would love to see what I would look like if I started before puberty, it's done decent work on me. I hope you can get back on track with the medical side soon.

    My journey has been far smoother than anyone else I have run across. Acceptance, job, family. All but some in-laws have been very cool if not great with it. My parents accepted me. That was my big worry. Considering they are both about 80ish, that's pretty good. I totally expected my Dad to make a lot of name mistakes. However, very few. My siblings started calling me their sister in off handed ways this year. Like it was not ever a thing.

    Probably the biggest challenges I have had are in the changing accounts after my legal name and gender change went through. I can tell you that it is easier for the county, state, federal government to change that all legally than financial institutions. Oh, except EZPass but maybe they are not a government group. That was my biggest achievement of this year was the legal change and shift of drivers license, Social Security,
    insurance, birth certificate, credit cards, banks, social media and on line accounts. I did all the big ones. Now it's just some weird things like county water board, EZPass, voting registration and two I'm not sure about. I need to see what should be done with my original marriage license and my kids birth certificates.

    I guess my other huge thing is that while I'm not ever done with facial electrolysis(or so it seems), I have had 3 full clearings preparing for a potential July surgery. Should be getting a date in for July within a month or so. Then I have 6 more clearings(one a month) and 5 more months of my usual HRT. That has to stop a month before then change to just estradiol after the procedure.

    Probably more than you were looking for.

    Okay. I hope you are doing well. I must be confusing your name. I was thinking of another site.

    Stay safe and be yourself. Forward we go.

    Warmly,
    Jacqui
     
  8. Being Jess

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    Wow - that is amazing, what an awesome achievement! Well done sister!

    Not too much info at all, I really enjoyed reading about your journey and how far you have gone. I realize you are at the show and I have just read the flyer. I am so glad we are chatting because I don't have personal contact with another trans woman that transitioned later in life. (I totally agree with the pre-puberty comment, alas what can we do...)

    I hope you don't mind, I have a couple of questions:

    How old were you when you started transitioning?
    When you mention surgery are you referring to bottom surgery, if so what is your view on the different techniques and where are you going for your surgery, US, UK or Thailand?
    You mention positive physical changes from HRT, what have you noticed and how long did it before you started noticing significant changes to your breasts, face, hips and but?
    What have you done to feminize your voice?
    How have you dealt with your masculine characteristics (like the way you used to walk or general masculine gestures)?

    I hope you are ok with the questions, it's so great to be chatting with you Jax!

    Love and light to you girl friend.

    xo
    Jess
     
    #68 Being Jess, Dec 12, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2019
  9. BroRhap14

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    Aww yay! I'm glad I could make you smile! Everyone deserves that, especially if they've overcome something incredible and inspiring! :grin: I am happy to hear you're on track to continue your awesome and beautiful path in life! Inspiring again. Haha wish I was an English major for once so I could stop using that word and not run it into the ground. And yes, you may totally call me 'bro'. That made me smile a lot. I am fairly new to accepting myself as a demiguy but just knowing I am and that I've found something that mirrors how I feel and want to present is so freeing. I think my immediate fam forgot though and I am too timid to correct them on pronouns (they/them). I don't wanna make a big deal out of it, I'm just speaking up finally. Also considering top surgery, maybe hormones, debating new name... it is all so new to me and sometimes I feel like I'm not trans enough and whatnot. I could go on. Lol. Thank you. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Jacqui H

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    Hi Jess,

    I was hitting depressed moments off and on for the previous 10 to 15 years but hit my big mental crash after a business trip across country. I was 50 and approaching our 25th wedding anniversary. I went to the first therapist(told the second one too) and said, "I think I'm a cross dresser. What can I do to cure or stop that?" This was January of 2015

    I started HRT in February of 2016. Both Spiro blockers and estradiol patches. In less than a week I noticed a huge shift in my skin. So soft. It was embarrassing how I would sometimes brush my hands over my forearms during meetings. I noticed a clearing of my mind in a way. I became able to cry so much easier. I and my eyes shifted to more green rather than hazel after a few months. 1-2 months brought on the sensitivity and beginning of my breast buds. 3 months in also brought a lightening and thinning/reduction of my body hair. I noticed a little shift in my face after 6 months. 9 months brought a little rounding to my breasts. After a year I noticed my shoes were all too big. I started losing upper body mass and was losing both endurance and strength. Not to say my shoulders and arms didn't look big. I was happier more of the time and therefore more pleasant to be around most of the time. I had some severe dives into depression. My endocronologisst mentioned that estrogen has been known to make depression a little worse. I was encouraged to and started taking an anti depressant. I was having blood checked every 3 months for the first year and a half. As I have progressed, my face has continued to round, my breasts have grown and rounded more each passing 6 months till about 6 ago(have I stopped or have another spurt?). Along with the softer skin, it is thinner and easier to bruise and cut. After 1.5 years in, I have developed spider veins on my legs. My blood levels balanced out about a year ago. Now I have blood checked twice a year and only see my endo once a year, unless something changes.(Surgery?). I don't feel as though my butt has shifted much. my weight, when gained, is carried lower on my belly. Not to get to tmi but both my regular sweat and near my groin has changed in smell so I guess chemical make up. I don't smell as bad when working out. I am able to sense smells more easily. I crave pickles, olives and salt. I have been known to drink the pickle juice when done with a jar. Sorry, just how I roll. Which is okay. With Spiro I pee more and have to drink much more water and ingest more salt. I have almost doubled my salt intake but my sodium is still on the low end when tested. I have not really noticed a change to my butt. I do think my hips compared to waist has changed but I could not tell you when it happened.

    I have been trying to train my voice and I think it is improving. I started with singing along with songs. I started pushing my upper register unnaturally. I have not hit Freddie Mercury's highest notes yet. I have obtained some that the singers with Vampire Weekend and Twenty One Pilots reach that I could not 2 years ago. They say the idea is to practice in a Mickey Mouse voice initially for short periods of time. Then longer. Then take the very highest voice(weird and not of this world) with inflection and start to carefully drop it till it his a normal female range. I have taken to "marking" more. If you are not sure, marking is what many girls do by ending their sentence up, like it's a question. I try not to over do that either because it makes you sound less sure, younger and I hate others doing it. "I know, right?" Some record their voices and measure it to see what frequencies their voices center around. While I am a sound designer and could easily, I have yet to do that.

    I have continued to "tuck" for this entire time. I find it less distressing and easier to walk with less swagger or strut. I have shortened my steps, I have also taken to imagining that my clothes are so tight(they are not) that I almost have to snap my hip to send the leg on that side forward. It sounds awkward but with some work it smooths out to hips swinging and able to do a catwalk, walk. Of course being able to walk in heals while doing that, makes it work so much better. I also try to arch my back more than I ever have before. Whether sitting, standing or walking. I have not video taped myself but that would/will be my next "step" to see how it looks, objectively.

    I find my hands very wide and large. I guess they are not that big but are wide. Early on when starting HRT, I started trying to train them to stay in a position that I feel is smaller and more feminine. I fold my thumbs and fingers in. Almost like what one does to use a baseball mitt or like a female performer with long nails is using a hand held mic. They tend to keep the thump up (like a charades showing a person drinking). Then fold the fingers over the lowest pad part of the thumb. It was awkward at first too. However, it soon became the default position my hands go to. I really makes them look longer but more elegant. Not so ham handed.

    As far as surgery goes, yes I mean bottom surgery. I am lucky enough that my job's benefits are through a large private university. They cover every part of a transition. Although I am fighting to get them to cover the required electrolysis. The doctor requires it so they have to cover it, if they cover the surgery. I have done research into almost all the procedures and many of the doctors. To do it quickly, (kind of a concern to me in this polarized, political climate-who knows what's coming) I have to use a in network practice. So, most of the foreign surgeons are out. Truth be told, I have like what I have heard and seen from 3-4 doctors all in the north east of the US. I know of two and a half to three techniques that I have looked at:
     
  11. Jacqui H

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    1- The generic penile inversion technique that seems to be the first version that was fairly successful. Info can be found anywhere. There is even a good computer generated animation of it that is not enough to make you faint.

    2-I have forgotten the exact name but it is the Sigmon colon technique. Uses part of your colon. It is self lubricating. However, there seems to be reports of long term smell that is not naturally associated with the part of the body being created(close but not that one). The surgeon has to be incredibly careful not to create a rupture or fistula.

    3-The last one I know of I have not nailed down the name. It is like a penile inversion. However, they take part of the peritoneum lining(lining that is inside of your body cavity) and line/create the vaginal walls from it. It can create mucous, is self lubricating and can be self cleaning. This technique uses robotic surgery through the lower abdomen. I understand it causes gas that is painful at first but is the best bet.

    OK. Here is the weird thing. I'm not sure what technique I am having done yet. I looked and thought I would have it done in Philadelphia or NYC. I am interested in doing the one with the peritoneum for self cleaning/lubricating. I suddenly found out a surgeon in the city I live is now quietly performing surgeries. He is a well known urologist/surgeon but mostly for revisions. When peoples procedures have major complications, he corrects other surgeon's mistakes. Someone asked him since he knew and repaired all the problems, could/would he come up with his own technique approaching it from a urologist's perspective. He sat down, figured out most of the common complications and realized most surgeons who do these are plastic surgeons. So, he developed a technique that includes two people creating the canal and doing the "plumbing" part. One starts below by hand and the other starts just above the pubic area. They meet in the middle, then the plastic surgeon steps in and makes it all pretty. I met with him. I have the paperwork done. I have the time this July and hope to set it up. I need to call the office today. However, what I don't know is if he uses the lining. I need to find that out. I am hesitant to post his name as he is not advertising yet.

    Okay, that's a lot. Let me know if you want more specific questions. If they seem private, drop me a message.

    Take care, onward we go.

    Jacqui
     
  12. Being Jess

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    Hey bro - I have two lists. One which contains everything I like and dislike and one that contains what everyone else likes and dislikes. Whenever I have a moment of - oh I am not feminine enough to be trans or my dysphoria is not high enough for me to be trans or I am not trans enough to be trans I ask myself if the measurement I am using to identify me not being enough of that thing is based on my likes and dislikes list or everyone else's.

    If I feel uncomfortable wearing certain clothes in certain places that's usually a them thing. If I have doubts about what I am going to look like after HRT that's usually a them thing. If I suddenly start looking at trans girls that I deem in my infinite wisdom are more trans than me that's definitely a them thing.

    The majority of my fears and insecurities are based on my fear of what other people will think. Being able to separate these issues has been super helpful because I come back to the conclusion of - what do I want? what do I like? who am I?

    And let's just say for a moment that I was not trans and I had no dysphoria though I still wanted to be a woman. Well if that's what I want then that's good enough for me.

    We continue to compare ourselves to other people. We read their books. We watch their shows. We long to find the answer to eternal life, inner peace and the ability to control our minds, though all the content we watch, read or listen to is just someone else's view on how their universe works for them.

    If you go to Mars and then you go to Saturn and then you come to Earth, each of those planets is governed by different rules. You can't paint them all with the same brush. Each person is the same - we are all an individual, infinite universe of our own. We should respect ourselves and each other as such.

    I have stopped looking outside for the answers - I spent a many, many number of years doing that - and my conclusion was that I am enough. I am my own universe and the expression of my free will, with harm to none, and focusing on the reality of being in the moment instead of using the past to predict the future is the single path to MY evolution and enlightenment. For now, it may change and I am cool with that.

    And so when I feel unworthy or lacking or self-judgmental I ask myself - is that because I genuinely feel that about myself because I don't like something about what I am doing, how I am feeling, what I am thinking, how I am being OR is it because of everyone else. If my answer is the latter then I send it back with love and continue acting in line with who I am and what makes me tic.

    I choose to live for myself and no-one else. Sure, I love and I give and I serve - though I do so from a place of me and not a place of what the world expects of me.

    Because here's the bottom line. Everyone dies. No one gets of of this life alive. So when they do all their views on what's right and wrong dies with them and if they die before me then I'll just be left behind with regret for putting them on a pedestal and not living my life for myself.

    When people pass judgement on me - oh don't get the surgery, maybe your'e just a cross-dresser, this is against the natural order of things - I always say thank you for the feedback and seeing as you care as much as you do would you mind paying my bills because that would be a really constructive way for you to help me rather than just telling me stuff that you believe.

    They always say no and my response is - well if you can't put your money where your mouth is then SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    This tends to do the trick.

    Lead me. Follow me. Or the get the fuck out of my way... That's the general idea.

    So whether or not I am trans enough I really don't give a fuck. I'll be the person that was as trans as I am that transitioned and that'll be totally fine with me.

    So quite an intense response - I apologize. Lots of energy and passion, that's me baby... I hope it helps you my brother.

    Have a beautiful day my friend, and let's carry on chatting - I enjoy our conversations. If ever you want to share something totally feel free to do so on this thread. I am super keen on having some male friends - I have so few.

    xo
    Jess
     
  13. Being Jess

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    WOW! Incredible - thank you so much for taking the time to write up such a detailed response. I know you have heard it before and I'll say it again - I commend you on taking a stand for yourself and deciding to be who you are.

    Thank you for sharing the timeline, that is very helpful. Thank you also for sharing the three SRS techniques, I had not heard of the third one and to be honest it definitely sounds like the best of the three. If ever you come across a name for it please do share it as I would definitely like to do some further research. It's a big deal and getting it done right is super important. My biggest issue is the dilating - I know it's part of the deal though I also know that some procedures require dilation three times a day for two years where with others you are down to once a day after nine months. More than that though I think the idea of having a vagina that self cleans and self lubricates is so much more natural than procedure 1 or 2. So thank you again.

    Thank you also for the details you shared about your voice and how you walk. That is very helpful.

    How has your marriage evolved through all of this? Is your wife bi or pan? I ask because I am married to a hetro woman and she's said that she will walk this path with me though that she is not attracted to women. We will see where this goes though for the time being she is incredibly supportive. She has been pegging me for about three years now so there is no big difference with me preferring to bottom in the bedroom.

    Has your sexual orientation changed since you have transitioned?

    It's wonderful talking to you. Thank you so much for your time my friend.

    xo
    Jess
     
  14. Jacqui H

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    Hi Jess,

    When I first came out too my wife, she felt very bad for me. A day later she said she would try to help me. However, if I needed to go so the way and have surgery, she suggested that was a non-starter. "I'm not lesbian."

    About a half year to a year, I was trying to figure out how far I would have to go to reach the comfort I need. I gift a bad emotional place. I started to plan self destruction again and was placed on an anti depressant. Around this time she said,"You have to go all the way don't you?" I asked about what she said before. She said,"You know, I realized I love you and not all this", waving her hand up and down near my body.

    She jokes about me making her gay. I told her I just thought she was just Jacqui sexual.

    I have started to have romantic and erotic dreams that include men. My HRT has me at a point where I can't really function normally any more. I know dreams don't mean anything specifically. I also don't feel a desire for men except in a real list files way.
    I guess I am becoming more and more bottom like.

    Hope that answers your questions.

    Warmly,
    Jacqui
     
  15. Being Jess

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    Yip - I can totally relate, when I came out to my wife she was also - removal of penis is a deal breaker... That was back in July. The other day I was discussing my research on SRS and her words were - I will never stop you from being happy, it's your body, you do what you have to do...

    Partners of trans men and women that look beyond the physical and see the soul of the person they love, and decide to stay are the true heroes.

    I am incredibly grateful for my soulmate.

    I am so glad you have had the same experience. Blessing to you and your wife my dear.

    Have you watched this?

     
  16. Jacqui H

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    I had not seen it before. Just watched.

    I had wanted to add on some info about the Dilation schedule that doctor suggests. They gave me a detailed packet of "What to Expect".

    Day 1 Dilate 5 times a day (one will be in the middle of the night)
    Day 2 through Day 30 Dilate 4 times per day and douche times a day with the Red Robinson catheter
    Day 31 through Day 90 Dilate 3 times per day
    After 3 Months Dilate 2 times a day
    After 1 year Dilate once per day.

    I realized you had made reference to a schedule. thought I would share their requirements.

    Take care,

    Warmly,
    Jacqui
     
  17. Being Jess

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    Thank you Jacqui, I appreciate you sharing that. If you come across the name for the procedure please do send it to me, I am very keen on finding out more about it - it definitely seems like the best of the three and I wonder if there are any surgeons doing the same in the UK or Asia.... If not then a trip to the US would be on the cards in the future.

    Blessings
    Jess
     
  18. Being Jess

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    Patience. LGBTQA+ people understand patience.

    I had no idea last year when I came out and started HRT that a month later I would be in such financial shit. Well, to be honest, I was still earning a salary though it was hardly enough to cover my home's living expenses forget about everything that goes with a medical transition. Especially seeing as my wife and I decided, shortly before the serious drop in my salary, it was time for her to leave her job and enjoy life at home with me - I work from home.

    She could have gone back to work which would have put us in a position for me to go back onto HRT, though neither one of us liked that idea. We figured we would just be patient and wait for the frown to turn upside down.

    Nine months.

    Nine months later and we are now back on our feet. I am earning good money again and I have my soulmate with me everyday. Nine months later and I am now going back on HRT. I saw my doctor today. I have the meds. I start tonight.

    It's so funny.

    It's so funny how we get what we ask for. When I came out to my wife I told her that I just needed nine months to be Jessica and that I would know if this was all in my head or if it was real. Of course, I did not need nine months to know that though it's funny that nine months later I am going back on HRT and I know with every inch of my being that this is who I am.

    It feels different this time.

    When I came out the realisation was intense - you know what I mean, when you have been suppressing something your entire life and you suddenly find out what is. The whole world suddenly makes sense from the moment you were born. Then there is the most terrifying thought - what the fuck? What if I am wrong? What if I am being impulsive? What if I am not trans enough to be trans? What if I am not femme enough to be trans female? What if everyone rejects me? What if I lose my job? What if I realise down the road that I made a huge mistake and now I have to live with the physical consequences of having transitioned and then de-transitioning? What if, what if, what if.

    Going out was always this feeling of people looking at me, judging me, what if I am not accepted.

    I realise now that I manifested my universe to put me on pause for nine months. It has taken nine months for me to really and truly accept myself for who I am. I know that this is not a fad and I know I am not being impulsive, I know that it really is who I am... I have also come to understand what being female means to me and how I want to express that. In fact I am probably more non-binary though leaning more towards the female side of things.

    I have no concern about what people think of me because I love myself and therefore I send them love too.

    I woke up the other day and thought - wow - I am you. You are me. We are God.

    God is all the genders - those we have discovered in ourselves and each other and those that still remain undiscovered. To be able to freely identify with the color that matches my vibration and feel truly proud to let it shine is what free will is all about. With harm to none.

    I was in a hurry when I started this journey - I wanted the change to be quick. That has changed for me now. Now I want to enjoy every moment of it - like watching a seed turn into a blossoming flower in stop motion.

    I do think we can get so caught up in the need for destination with whatever we are doing, and we tend to forget that it's all about listening to our own individual song and just enjoying the dance. Yeah - sometimes we fall flat on our faces - and sometimes it really hurts - though we get up, we find the courage, we look deep within and say - I am worth it. I deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself for who I am.

    I don't know if I will be writing on here again on the regular though I had to answer the question I asked last year when I started this thread....

    What if it's all in my head?

    Nine months after finding myself and asking the question, I now know the answer.

    No. It is not all in my head. Well, some of it is in my head, though most of it is in my heart and all of it is in my soul.

    And now that I start my journey again, stronger than ever, knowing who I am, it is now in my manifestation.

    My name is Jessica. I am transgender and I am proud to vibrate at the frequency of all the colours that make up the different shades of me.

    Blessings to you dear reader. I wish you light and love on your path to your higher self. May you know that by having the courage to shine your light you light up the darkness in others and in doing so change the world one spark at a time.

    That's all the sun is. Billions and billions of little sparks shining in deep, dark space, refusing to let the darkness win.

    If ever there has been a time for enlightenment, it is now.

    Peace and Love
    Jessica
     
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  19. LaurenSkye

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    Welcome back @Being Jess it's so good to see you back here! If you don't know I'm formerly known as Mikey D, now I am going by Lauren. It's great to hear that you are certain of who you are. I know it takes time. For me, trans wise late 2019 into 2020 have been the best few months of my life. In December I joined a local support group for non-binary people met some wonderful people who instantly welcomed me into their group and social circle. In February another new person joined the group and they and I instantly clicked and even though we haven't been able to see each other in person since then, we've chatted on Facebook and have become such great friends. I can't imagine getting through these past few months without them. And as I stated, I'm now going by Lauren to a select few. I changed my username here a couple of weeks ago, and just started telling my friends to start calling me Lauren. Next step is random people. Going to a fast food restaurant and telling them my name is Lauren, etc. I'm not going to change my legal name anytime soon, but it still feels good to be called Lauren.
     
  20. Being Jess

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    It's so great to hear that you are well and I am so glad that you have found support and I am most happy that you are using your name. It is a beautiful name. I have always thought so.

    I absolutely love your profile pic. It really resonates with me.

    I have definitely come to identify more with non-binary femme than female. I find that it gives me the opportunity to define everything for myself and create my own rules because there is no box that society can put me in and while I can absolutely be any girl in any way I want and it's all valid, something about not being in any specific box while wearing pink just feels right to me.

    I know how you feel about using your name with friends. I have started doing the same thing - well, I say that, though I haven't asked all members of my family to do it yet... I don't speak to most of my family much, though to be honest I am going to wait a bit for a proper introduction, for their sake, even though I am completely out to everyone. One thing I have definitely realised is slow is the right pace - for me and for everyone.

    It is wonderful when someone calls me Jessica - not because I need their validation, just because I love the sound of the name I chose for myself.

    So I totally get how you feel. Your support group sounds really cool. How is life otherwise Lauren?

    xo
    Jessica
     
    #80 Being Jess, Jun 9, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2020