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What if it is all in my head?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Being Jess, Aug 1, 2019.

  1. Being Jess

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    So my masterclass with the makeup artist was awesome. I highly recommend it to all my fellow trans sisters. I found a makeup artist that works with TV and print advertising and had her come over for two hours. She showed me how to apply the products, what the best products and colours are for my face shape and what brushes to use. Such an awesome experience.

    I am going to do the same for clothing. I'll look for a stylist that works above the line (TV) and ask her to help my find a style that suits me best during early transition.

    Why should I spend tons of money figuring it out when I can just work with a professional that does this for a living.

    Today I start laser - goodbye facial and body hair.

    Feeling great. It's a beautiful day.

    xo
    Riyana
     
  2. Being Jess

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    Roar. Katey Perry


    I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
    Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
    So I sat quietly, agreed politely
    I guess that I forgot I had a choice
    I let you push me past the breaking point
    I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

    You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
    Already brushing off the dust
    You hear my voice, your hear that sound
    Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
    You held me down, but I got up
    Get ready 'cause I had enough
    I see it all, I see it now

    I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
    Dancing through the fire
    'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

    Louder, louder than a lion
    'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    You're gonna hear me roar!

    Now I'm floating like a butterfly
    Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
    I went from zero, to my own hero

    You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
    Already brushing off the dust
    You hear my voice, your hear that sound
    Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
    You held me down, but I got up
    Get ready 'cause I've had enough
    I see it all, I see it now

    I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
    Dancing through the fire
    'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
    Louder, louder than a lion
    'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    You're gonna hear me roar!

    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    You're gonna hear me roar!

    Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar!

    I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
    Dancing through the fire
    'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
    Louder, louder than a lion
    'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    You're gonna hear me roar!

    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    You're gonna hear me roar!

    xo
    Riyana
     
  3. Being Jess

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    What an amazing day. My first mani pedi and I had my eyebrows done plus a hair cut. I also got my first training bra - ok so Ive got little mounds at the moment and I haven’t started budding yet, but they will grow. I love the look and feeling of wearing a bra. I have wanted to wear one since I was a little boy.

    This is my song for today.

    I feel pretty. Julie Andrews

    I feel pretty
    Oh, so pretty
    I feel pretty and witty and bright!
    And I pity
    Any girl who isn't me tonight

    I feel charming
    Oh, so charming
    It's alarming how charming I feel!
    And so pretty
    That I hardly can believe I'm real

    See the pretty girl in that mirror there
    Who can that attractive girl be?
    Such a pretty face
    Such a pretty dress
    Such a pretty smile
    Such a pretty me!

    I feel stunning
    And entrancing
    Feel like running and dancing for joy
    For I'm loved
    By a pretty wonderful wife!

    Have you met my good friend Maria
    The craziest girl on the block?
    You'll know her the minute you see her
    She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock

    She thinks she's in love
    She thinks she's in Spain
    She isn't in love
    She's merely insane

    It must be the heat
    Or some rare disease
    Or too much to eat
    Or maybe it's fleas

    Keep away from her
    Send for Chino!
    This is not the
    Maria we know!

    Modest and pure
    Polite and refined
    Well-bred and mature
    And out of her mind!

    I feel pretty
    Oh, so pretty
    That the city should give me its key
    A committee
    Should be organized to honor me

    La la la la

    I feel dizzy
    I feel sunny
    I feel fizzy and funny and fine
    And so pretty
    Miss America can just resign!

    La la la la

    See the pretty girl in that mirror there
    What mirror where?
    Who can that attractive girl be?
    Which? What? Where? Whom?

    Such a pretty face
    Such a pretty dress
    Such a pretty smile
    Such a pretty me!
    Such a pretty me!

    I feel stunning
    And entrancing
    Feel like running and dancing for joy
    For I'm loved
    By a pretty wonderful wife!

    xo
    Riyana
     
  4. LaurenSkye

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    Sounds like your breasts are about the size of my "man-boobs". :grinning: I, too, would like to wear a bra, I bought a sports bra one time that I thought was my size, but it was too small and I couldn't get it over my head and shoulders. I'm worried that if it's obvious that I'm wearing a bra, it would look too weird since I very much look like a man.
     
  5. Being Jess

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    Here's how I see it Mikey - no one gets out of life alive. I keep looking at signs that say "no pets", "no firearms", "no soliciting", "no loitering", "no alcohol"... I am yet to see one that says "No transgenders" or "No homosexuals" or "No gender binaries"... I am also yet to see any signs that tell me how I am supposed to dress or what clothes I am allowed to wear.

    This morning 12, 000 people in the world did not wake up. All their fears, guilt and shame died with them and all the things they didn't do because they cared so very much about what other people thought of them are opportunities never achieved, dreams never realised, lives never lived.

    All those people walking in the mall or the street are so busy focusing on their own lives and so busy worrying about what everyone thinks of them that they don't really have time to care what I am wearing or what I look like. They may stare for a moment though if I look back and smile they avert their eyes or they smile back.

    Despite my new hair style, shaped eyebrows and the makeup that I wear I still look like a guy dressed as a woman. SO FUCKING WHAT. That won't be the case forever - eventually my HRT will make the changes so that I look like a woman dressed as a woman and whatever changes I still need to make can be made with surgery.

    The only person I worry about hurting is my wife and this hurting her big time though even that is not something that will stop me from being who I am. My spiritual path is THE most important thing to me. It is why I am alive. I do not harm anyone else and if people get hurt as a result of me being me then that is most unfortunate - may they find their own inner peace as I have found mine.

    If my wife loves me then she loves ME - not what I look like but who I am inside. Soulmates.

    Our one resource we can never get back is time. I am not willing to live a second of my life not being authentic to who I am. I never signed any contract that said I could not be myself. So long as I don't hurt anyone or take anyone's free will away.

    Here's my song for today.

    Who says. Selena Gomez

    I wouldn't wanna be anybody else, hey

    [Verse 1:]
    You made me insecure,
    Told me I wasn't good enough.
    But who are you to judge
    When you're a diamond in the rough?
    I'm sure you got some things
    You'd like to change about yourself.
    But when it comes to me
    I wouldn't want to be anybody else.

    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na
    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na

    I'm no beauty queen
    I'm just beautiful me

    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na
    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na

    You've got every right
    To a beautiful life
    C'mon

    [Chorus:]
    Who says, who says you're not perfect?
    Who says you're not worth it?
    Who says you're the only one that's hurtin'?
    Trust me, that's the price of beauty
    Who says you're not pretty?
    Who says you're not beautiful?
    Who says?

    [Verse 2:]
    It's such a funny thing
    How nothing's funny when it's you
    You tell 'em what you mean
    But they keep whiting out the truth
    It's like a work of art
    That never gets to see the light
    Keep you beneath the stars
    Won't let you touch the sky

    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na
    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na

    I'm no beauty queen
    I'm just beautiful me

    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na
    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na

    You've got every right
    To a beautiful life
    C'mon

    [Chorus:]
    Who says, who says you're not perfect?
    Who says you're not worth it?
    Who says you're the only one that's hurtin'?
    Trust me, that's the price of beauty
    Who says you're not pretty?
    Who says you're not beautiful?
    Who says?

    [Bridge:]
    Who says you're not star potential?
    Who says you're not presidential?
    Who says you can't be in movies?
    Listen to me, listen to me
    Who says you don't pass the test?
    Who says you can't be the best?
    Who said, who said?
    Would you tell me who said that?
    Yeah, who said?

    [Chorus:]
    Who says, who says you're not perfect? (yeah)
    Who says you're not worth it? (yeah yeah)
    Who says you're the only one that's hurtin'? (oh)
    Trust me, that's the price of beauty (hey yeah, beauty)
    Who says you're not pretty? (who said?)
    Who says you're not beautiful? (I'm just beautiful me)
    Who says?

    Who says you're not perfect?
    Who says you're not worth it?
    Who says you're the only one that's hurtin'?

    Trust me (yeah), that's the price of beauty
    Who says you're not pretty?
    Who says you're not beautiful? (who says you're not beautiful?)
    Who says?

    xo
    Riyana
     
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  6. Being Jess

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    My song for today is

    This is your life. Switchfoot


    Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
    Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
    Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes,
    This is your life

    And today is all you've got now
    And today is all you'll ever have
    Don't close your eyes.

    This is your life, are you who you want to be
    This is your life, are you who you want to be
    This is your life, is it everything you've dreamed
    That it would be when the world was younger,
    And you had everything to lose?

    Yesterday is a kid in the corner
    Yesterday is dead and over

    This is your life, are you who you want to be
    This is your life, are you who you want to be

    xo
    Riyana
     
  7. Being Jess

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    I had my second therapy session yesterday. What an amazing therapist - a beautiful, strong, solid, wise and very intelligent woman. We spent some time talking about the biology behind being trans. I have always been very insistent that everything in life is a choice - some of the choices we make in this life and some of the choices we made before we were incarnated. This view serves me because I do not like to think that I am not in control of my life - and of course control is a complete illusion.

    It was very important for me to know that this is something that happened while I was in my mother's womb. That it is completely biological. The department that made my brain did not send an e-mail to the department that gave me a penis and the package went out with the wrong genitals and from that day the world said - oh look a penis, must be a boy. In fact that label was cast the moment the scan identified I was a male fetus.

    Part of the craziness are the thoughts and doubts, "is this just a fetish" or "is this just a preference".

    When the biology was clearly explained to me I felt an immense amount of relief. I know am just looking for permission to be who I am and I am just trying to find ways to justify my existence. As the male film that is the packaging containing the beautiful female contents dissolves away those thoughts and feelings will pass.

    I like to smile and laugh and have a nice day though I think a lot of the time my eyes tell a different story. I cover up my sadness with anger like a porcupine and try my ever best to make people like me so that I can once again find a reason to like myself. I am working on this. Everyday in every way I get better and better.

    I still find myself watching tons of transition timelines of people my age or older that transitioned later in life. One of my biggest fears is I will not make an attractive woman - these thoughts come from the male programming I have grown up with in this patriarchal world and all the images media serves that tell us what a woman should look like, dress like, act like, speak like. I am working on letting those fears and limiting beliefs go, those programs no longer serve me.

    The obsession is subsiding slowly. The anxiety is decreasing slowly. The acceptance is growing slowly. The changes are taking place slowly. Slow and steady.

    The Mona Lisa wasn't painted in a day.

    Here's today's song.

    Just a girl. No Doubt

    Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
    I'm exposed
    And it's no big surprise
    Don't you think I know
    Exactly where I stand
    This world is forcing me
    To hold your hand
    'Cause I'm just a girl, little ol' me
    Well don't let me out of your sight
    Oh, I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
    So don't let me have any rights
    Oh, I've had it up to here!

    The moment that I step outside
    So many reasons
    For me to run and hide
    I can't do the little things
    I hold so dear
    'Cause it's all those little things
    That I fear

    'Cause I'm just a girl
    I'd rather not be
    'Cause they won't let me drive
    Late at night
    Oh I'm just a girl
    Guess I'm some kind of freak
    'Cause they all sit and stare
    With their eyes
    Oh I'm just a girl
    Take a good look at me
    Just your typical prototype
    Oh, I've had it up to here!

    Oh, am I making myself clear?
    I'm just a girl
    I'm just a girl in the world
    That's all that you'll let me be!

    Oh I'm just a girl, living in captivity
    Your rule of thumb
    Make me worry some
    Oh I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
    What I've succumbed to
    Is making me numb
    Oh I'm just a girl, my apologies
    What I've become is so burdensome
    Oh I'm just a girl, lucky me
    Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

    Oh, I've had it up to!
    Oh, I've had it up to!!
    Oh, I've had it up to here

    Oh - and I have decided I don't want my name to be Riyana - I want it to be Jess... Gonna see if I can change it on the site...

    xo
    Jess
     
    #47 Being Jess, Sep 12, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2019
  8. LaurenSkye

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    I, myself, changed my choice of what my female name would be, if I were to ever go by a woman's name. My original choice was "Skye", but I later felt like it didn't quite fit, so I decided on "Lauren" with "Skye" as my middle name.
     
  9. Being Jess

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    That is so beautiful. Lauren Skye - it is lovely to meet you! The world should know your name.
     
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  10. Being Jess

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    My beautiful wife walks into my study this morning and says that she is really worried about how the gay community will respond to her being with a trans girl and that she is scared lesbians will see her as fake and judge her for not having gone through the struggles they went through to be who they are.

    Ok - so for a moment I want you to recognize how incredibly amazing that statement is. My wife is not freaking out about being with a trans girl - she is worried about what others will think and she is concerned that she will offend other people. This is incredible progress. This is a statement that comes from a place of acceptance - which means that the grief process may be passing. I know that it is still early days and that we have a lot of ground to cover though it still makes me incredibly happy.

    Of course I told her not to worry - don't get sucked into everything you read on the internet about the experiences other wive's went through when their husbands came out as trans and don't worry about what other people think. I told her that her struggles are real and are valid and that anyone that gives her shit for being who she is will get a handbag on the back of the head from me. Straight up - don't fuck with my Queen.

    I see no difference between someone having to deal with being gay and the acceptance they look for from their loved ones and the world and someone having to deal with their partner being trans after a 10-year relationship, which includes 5-years of marriage. Every single person has their own journey and their own fears and insecurities and there is no fucking podium where they give out medals for who suffered more.

    And if there was then give it to the people without water, electricity and education who are suffering in third world countries while their governments sell their country's commodities to the western world and allow colonialists to rape their land, people and future generations while their people suffer and starve.

    If anything LGBTQA+ people should unite against the common enemy which are the uneducated masses that continue to think gender and sex has absolutely anything to do with intelligence, ability, personality or skill and that loving a LGBTQA+ person has anything to do with intelligence, ability, personality or skill.

    LGBTQA+, straight or cis - no one is painted with a brush that absolves them from the pain of being human.

    Don't judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes, because then you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

    Angel. Sarah McLachlan

    Spend all your time waiting
    for that second chance
    for a break that would make it okay
    there's always some reason
    to feel not good enough
    and it's hard at the end of the day
    I need some distraction
    oh beautiful release
    memories seep from my veins
    let me be empty
    and weightless and maybe
    I'll find some peace tonight

    in the arms of the angel
    fly away from here
    from this dark cold hotel room
    and the endlessness that you fear
    you are pulled from the wreckage
    of your silent reverie
    you're in the arms of the angel
    may you find some comfort here

    so tired of the straight line
    and everywhere you turn
    there's vultures and thieves at your back
    and the storm keeps on twisting
    you keep on building the lies
    that you make up for all that you lack
    it don't make no difference
    escaping one last time
    it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
    this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

    in the arms of the angel
    fly away from here
    from this dark cold hotel room
    and the endlessness that you fear
    you are pulled from the wreckage
    of your silent reverie
    you're in the arms of the angel
    may you find some comfort here
    you're in the arms of the angel
    may you find some comfort here

    xo
    Jess
     
  11. Being Jess

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    Two songs for today just because.

    It's my life. No Doubt

    [Verse 1]
    It's funny how I find myself
    In love with you
    If I could buy my reasoning
    I'd pay to lose
    One half won't do
    I've asked myself
    How much do you
    Commit yourself?

    [Chorus]
    It's my life
    Don't you forget
    It's my life
    It never ends (it never ends)

    [Verse 2]
    Funny how I blind myself
    I never knew
    If I was sometimes played upon
    Afraid to lose
    Oh, I'd tell myself
    What good do you do
    Convince myself

    [Chorus]
    It's my life
    Don't you forget
    It's my life
    It never ends (it never ends)

    [Bridge]
    And I've asked myself
    How much do you
    Commit yourself?

    [Chorus]
    Oh, it's my life
    Don't you forget
    Caught in the crowd
    It never ends (it never ends)

    [Chorus]
    Oh, it's my life
    Don't you forget
    Caught in the crowd
    It never ends (it never ends)

    [Outro]
    Oh, it's my life (oh it's my life)
    Don't you forget (don't you forget)
    Caught in the crowd (caught in the crowd)
    It never ends (it never ends)

    xo
    Jess
     
  12. Being Jess

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    Went for my second full body wax today. It was a just over a month ago that I started presenting myself as a woman in public, might be a little longer. This week will be one month on HRT. So much has happened in the last three months. So many firsts. I’m so happy I decided to live my life as me. I am so grateful for the beautiful soulmate that has been by my side through it all and I’m so excited about the future. Wouldn’t change a thing.

    The combination of Red Reishi Mushroom, white peony tea and red clover tea with my estrogen patch and t blockers is working very well. My boobs are growing, I now fill an A cup - I’m so happy.

    Courage is not the absence of fear it is acting in-spite of fear. ROAR!!!

    "Man! I Feel Like A Woman!" Shania Twain

    Let's go girls! Come on.

    I'm going out tonight-I'm feelin' alright
    Gonna let it all hang out
    Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice
    Yeah, I wanna scream and shout
    No inhibitions-make no conditions
    Get a little outta line
    I ain't gonna act politically correct
    I only wanna have a good time

    The best thing about being a woman
    Is the prerogative to have a little fun

    Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
    Men's shirts-short skirts
    Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
    Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
    Color my hair-do what I dare
    Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
    Man! I feel like a woman!

    The girls need a break-tonight we're gonna take
    The chance to get out on the town
    We don't need romance-we only wanna dance
    We're gonna let our hair hang down

    The best thing about being a woman
    Is the prerogative to have a little fun

    Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
    Men's shirts-short skirts
    Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
    Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
    Color my hair-do what I dare
    Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
    Man! I feel like a woman!

    The best thing about being a woman
    Is the prerogative to have a little fun (fun, fun)

    Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
    Men's shirts-short skirts
    Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
    Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
    Color my hair-do what I dare
    Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
    Man! I feel like a woman!

    I get totally crazy
    Can you feel it
    Come, come, come on baby
    I feel like a woman

    xo
    Jess
     
  13. Being Jess

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    I posted this in response to another post though I wanted it to be on this thread as well.... A response to hating oneself, self-loathing and lack of self love... and of course, my song for today as it ties into this post.

    I am a beautiful trans woman that for 36 years has been marinated in masculinity, the popular paint in this patriarchal world. A world were heroes are portrayed as men and where gender inequality plays second fiddle to race inequality - neither are more important, discrimination of any kind does not belong and should not be ignored.

    Say Iron Man and people think rich billionaire Tony Stark with Pepper Potts as PA turned wife, say iron woman and chauvinist laughter echoes with the joke that such a statement must be a command.

    The struggle is so much more than self acceptance- it’s breaking down the matrix we have been indoctrinated with since birth - what is good enough in the eyes or morality, of the law, of whoever god is to the individual.

    While my transition has had a few inner humps and bumps overall it has been a joyous opening of a flower that was a seed lying in the muck and the maya waiting for the spark to start the fire that resulted in the feeling of warmth calling me to reach for the surface, to reach for the sun - like a lotus. Today was the first time I felt depression- a felling that came as a result of a fear based on a thought that I will never be beautiful in the eyes of others. Forever cursed to be a “what-the-fuck” that spends so much time trying to look pretty but under it all just a male body presenting as female.

    While these unfair comparisons have a lot to do with my acceptance for myself it’s also a process of letting go of the programming I unwillingly and unknowingly subscribed to in my upbringing in terms of what makes a a man a man or a woman a woman. Where are all those teachers, parents, priests and members of society now? At the end of the day everyone needs to pay their rent. Most of them have no idea what impact their imposed rules and reality had on mine. Ripples cast in my pond by a stone not thrown by my hand and very much uninvited.

    The reason for self-hate is the need to please others. The need to be ok in the eyes of our parents, friends, congregation, club, society.

    And so I ask you - how many of those people know themselves for who they truly are. Someone who accepts themselves has no judgement for others because someone who accepts themselves understands they are fully responsible for their universe and such a person would not willingly carry the cross of another.

    This is the whole glass house throwing stones situation.

    As fucking hard as being who you are is it has nothing to do with sexuality or gender. Breaking free from the collective consciousness that we call society is something everyone struggles with. Everyday people do shit they don’t want to do because they care more about what someone else thinks than their own wants and needs. Money being the biggest control mechanism of them all.

    The struggle of the human condition is one of finding solace in being an individual and such a path is a spiritual one. Temet Nosce - know thyself.

    So as hard as it is - and fuck me it is hard - I keep reminding myself to not give power to those who have never asked the most important question, “who am I?”. In time everything will return to the earth, along with the judgments and rules and control and then in a moment another revolution will begin and we’ll start another round. The light that those who will not accept dogmatic rules shine upon the path of evolution will help future generations move towards freedom of choice - with harm to none.

    We still live in a world of organized religion and capitalism. We have so far to go. Those who hear the call to be themselves and answer it will make it easier for others to do the same.

    So when I suffer from depression or self-hate I ask myself who I am holding that limiting belief for and if the world will be better off if I let them bring me down to their level or if I decide to carry the light forward and help those who are unfortunate enough to not have evolved to a place of self-acceptance and self-love which is manifest in their hate for those that have the courage to be an individual, to help them by leading by example.

    Certain people are here to move the human race forward through evolution and some are here to move the human race backwards through involution.

    If you received a call and you chose to answer it and you find it hard remember the work that you are doing and that this journey is not just about you being courageous for yourself but for all those to follow.

    Just imagine how challenging it was for people like Christine Jorgensen or Ellen Degeneres or that friend that’s an LGBTQA+ or you...

    It’s an incredible paradox - in the collective we long for individuality. In individuality we understand the need for the collective - much like the wood for the trees. Everything breaths. In and out.

    We would not trust society with our bank card, our house keys or our email password though we trust them with our self-acceptance.

    Why?

    Lead me. Follow me or get the fuck out of my way is what I have to say.

    It’s easy when we write things down - in the moment it can be hard. Any bad habit is hard to beat though the difficulty of the journey does not make the destination less worth it.

    In 100 years or less I will be dead and the universe as I know it will cease to exist until my next incarnation. I have no idea who I will be then though I know who I am now and I would rather live a day as my true self while fighting off self doubt, fear and insecurity than an entire lifetime in fake happiness because someone else has decided I am ok.

    FUCK. THAT. BULLSHIT.

    I am human. I make mistakes. There is no judge, jury or executioner besides myself.
    Find forgiveness. Find acceptance. Find peace.
    Be forgiveness. Be acceptance. Be peace.

    All we are is dust in the wind.

    Dust in the wind. Kansas

    I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
    All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity
    Dust in the wind
    All they are is dust in the wind

    Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
    All we do crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see
    Dust in the wind
    All we are is dust in the wind

    Oh, ho, ho

    Now, don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
    It slips away
    And all your money won't another minute buy
    Dust in the wind
    All we are is dust in the wind
    All we are is dust in the wind
    Dust in the wind
    Everything is dust in the wind
    Everything is dust in the wind
    The wind

    xo
    Jess
     
  14. Being Jess

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    Unwritten. Natasha Bedingfield

    [Verse 1]
    I am unwritten, can't read my mind
    I'm undefined
    I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand
    Ending unplanned


    [Pre-Chorus]
    Staring at the blank page before you
    Open up the dirty window
    Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
    Reaching for something in the distance
    So close you can almost taste it
    Release your inhibitions

    [Chorus]
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips

    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    The rest is still unwritten, yeah

    Oh, oh

    [Verse 2]
    I break tradition
    Sometimes my tries, are outside the lines, yeah

    We've been conditioned to not make mistakes
    But I can't live that way, no, oh

    [Pre-Chorus]
    Staring at the blank page before you
    Open up the dirty window
    Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
    Reaching for something in the distance
    So close you can almost taste it
    Release your inhibitions

    [Chorus]
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips

    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips

    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    The rest is still unwritten


    [Pre-Chorus]
    Staring at the blank page before you
    Open up the dirty window
    Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
    Reaching for something in the distance
    So close you can almost taste it
    Release your inhibitions

    [Chorus]
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips

    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips

    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    The rest is still unwritten


    [Outro]
    The rest is still unwritten
    The rest is still unwritten

    xo
    Jess
     
  15. Being Jess

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    OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED!!! I FOUND AN IMAGE CONSULTANT - and she has tons of experience dealing with trans girls... I have booked a session for early October - she is even going to go shopping with me and help me pick out outfits that are in line with my vision board, colours, body shape and style.

    AND I found a company that sells prosthetic vaginas - I can't wait to get one at the end of the month. Now I can feel even more like a woman physically until I get my SRS in a year or two. You can pee in it while you wear it and it's made for long term wear!!! God bless Germany!!! And thanks to the trans girls on Youtube that helped me find it!

    If I could scream like a girl I would - when I try I sound like Tarzan... Oh well, all in good time...

    23 days on HRT <3

    Walking on Sunshine. Katrina and the Waves

    Ow

    Mm, yeah
    I used to think maybe you loved me, now, baby, I'm sure
    And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door
    Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down
    'Cause I just can't wait till you write me you're coming around

    I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    And don't it feel good
    Hey, all right now
    And don't it feel good
    Hey, yeah

    I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that it's true
    And I don't want to spend my whole life just a-waiting for you
    Now, I don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day, no, no, no
    I said, baby, I just want you back, and I want you to stay

    Oh, yeah, now I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    And don't it feel good
    Hey, all right now
    And don't it feel good
    Yeah, oh, yeah, now
    And don't it feel good

    Walking on sunshine
    Walking on sunshine

    I feel alive, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
    I feel alive, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
    I'm on sunshine, baby, oh
    Oh, yeah, I'm on sunshine, baby

    Oh, I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    I'm walking on sunshine, whoa
    And don't it feel good
    Hey, all right now
    And don't it feel good
    I'll say it, I'll say it, I'll say it again now
    And don't it feel good
    Hey, yeah now
    And don't it feel good
    Now don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it
    And don't it feel good
    I'll say it, I'll say it, I'll say it again now
    And don't it feel good
    Now don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it
    And don't it feel good
    Now tell me, tell me, tell me again now
    And don't it feel good
    Oh, yeah, now
    And don't it feel good
    Oh, don't it feel good, don't it feel good
    Now don't it feel good
    Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah
    And don't it feel good
    Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah
    And don't it feel good

    xo
    Jess
     
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  16. Being Jess

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    So my Mom texts me asking how I am, how my wife is, how's business - you know, the usual small talk... and I am like - HELLO - are we just going to completely ignore you telling me that you and your new husband won't be seeing me again because I an transitioning from male into female... I mean like WTF!!! Yeah, let's completely ignore how gut wrenchingly fucking stomach ripped out of my asshole painful that was for me to hear and just talk about the fucking weather...

    There is this thing I learned about in therapy the other day called fawning.

    I fawn. I learned how to fawn at a young age - a lot of trans people fawn. It's how we deal with our environment so we can survive through the unknown or known conflict going on inside us.

    It goes hand in hand with being super passive aggressive.

    Always swallowing the shit and pretending like everything is ok. WELL TODAY I AM NOT FAWNING. There is fuck all fawning going on today. I am all out of fawns... I DON'T GIVE A FUCKING FAWN.

    Told her exactly how I feel and reminded her of the times when I could easily have turned my back on who she is and her choices in life though, because she is my beautiful, amazing and wonderful mother, I stood by her side.

    FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE...

    Some people will say - it's hard for her... So? Why is that my problem... Life is hard... You don't think this is hard for me... FUCK SAKES.

    So if I was born disabled or deformed would I have been hidden in a cupboard under the stairs? Or would I have been accepted and loved until she met her new husband and then it's sorry pal, no more picnics for you, go play with the dog.

    It's all good. Writing on here helps, big time.

    Another thing that goes hand in hand with fawning is guilt because I now I feel terrible though that will pass. At least I stood up for myself. Transitioning is about no longer pretending. It's hard though it's part of the journey and these shoes were made for walking.

    "Fight Song"

    Like a small boat
    On the ocean
    Sending big waves
    Into motion
    Like how a single word
    Can make a heart open
    I might only have one match
    But I can make an explosion

    And all those things I didn't say
    Wrecking balls inside my brain
    I will scream them loud tonight
    Can you hear my voice this time?

    This is my fight song
    Take back my life song
    Prove I'm alright song
    My power's turned on
    Starting right now I'll be strong
    I'll play my fight song
    And I don't really care if nobody else believes
    'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

    Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
    Everybody's worried about me
    In too deep
    Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
    And it's been two years
    I miss my home
    But there's a fire burning in my bones
    Still believe
    Yeah, I still believe

    And all those things I didn't say
    Wrecking balls inside my brain
    I will scream them loud tonight
    Can you hear my voice this time?

    This is my fight song
    Take back my life song
    Prove I'm alright song
    My power's turned on
    Starting right now I'll be strong
    I'll play my fight song
    And I don't really care if nobody else believes
    'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

    A lot of fight left in me

    Like a small boat
    On the ocean
    Sending big waves
    Into motion
    Like how a single word
    Can make a heart open
    I might only have one match
    But I can make an explosion

    This is my fight song (Hey!)
    Take back my life song (Hey!)
    Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
    My power's turned on
    Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
    I'll play my fight song
    And I don't really care if nobody else believes
    'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

    No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

    xo
    Jess
     
  17. Being Jess

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    So hit a bit of a delay. Before I went on proper HRT I decided to do herbs. This meant that when my blood work was done my liver levels came back as abnormal which led my doctor to believe that my liver was damaged. A scan later and all was fine though this meant a lower dose of E and T-blockers that do not affect the liver. No problem - something is better than nothing, problem is now I need to do more blood work to check levels before I get a new prescription.... So now I am waiting for money, will only come in next week which means a two week delay until I can get back on track...

    Frustrating? Sure, though I would rather be a patient of a doctor that has my health as her highest priority than be with someone who just hands out prescriptions like post-it notes with positive affirmations.

    Yesterday was day four without E - a little hectic on the emotions. Mild depression and general moodiness. This was lifted by an amazing love making session with my gorgeous wife and we did it while I was wearing a bra. Felt so good to be penetrated again, it's been a long while. My Queen knows just how to hit my g-spot, full body orgasm. Of course I returned the favor. I love making my Queen cum.

    I am very grateful for what my wife is going through for me - it's really hard on her though somehow we are closer than ever before. I love her beyond words.

    We keep saying I'll go as slow as I can and she will go as fast as she can. Somehow we are making it work. That's what love is. Though if she wanted out I would not stand in her way despite how it would absolutely crush me. I am beyond grateful that day has not come yet and I pray it never does.

    Today's song is for my Queen

    I was made to love her. Stevie Wonder

    I was born in Lil' Rock
    Had a childhood sweetheart
    We were always hand in hand
    I was hightop shoes and shirt tails
    Suzy was in pig tails
    I know I loved her even then
    You know my papa disapproved it
    My mama boohooed it
    But I told them time and time again
    "Don't you know I was made to love her
    Built a world all around her"
    Yah! Hey, hey, hey
    She's been my inspiration
    Showed appreciation
    For the love I gave her through the years
    Like a sweet magnolia tree
    My love blossomed tenderly
    My life grew sweeter through the years
    I know that my baby loves me
    My baby needs me
    That's why we made it through the years
    I was made to love her
    Worship and adore her
    Hey, hey, hey
    All through thick and thin
    Our love just won't end
    'Cause I love my baby, love my baby. Ah!
    My baby loves me
    My baby needs me
    And I know I ain't going nowhere
    I was knee high to a chicken
    When that love bug bit me
    I had the fever with each passing year
    Oh, even if the mountain tumbles
    If this whole world crumbles
    By her side I'll still be standing there
    'Cause I was made to love her
    I was made to live for her, yeah!
    Ah, I was made to love her
    Built my world all around her
    Hey, hey, hey
    Oo baby, I was made to please her
    You know Stevie ain't gonna leave her, no
    Hey, hey, hey
    Oo wee baby, my baby loves me
    My baby needs me
    Hey, hey, hey
    Oo my baby loves me

    xo
    Jess
     
  18. Being Jess

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    Been a minute since my last post... So it's the ups and downs, the smiles and frowns... Money is short, shorting that out though for the time being that means that I am still due for my next blood test and until that is done I can't get my next prescription of HRT. Last of the t-blockers ran out yesterday... Fuck the PMS is hectic... Currently drinking white peony tea and taking Reishi mushroom and Lion's Mane mushrooms - really amazing medicinal mushrooms. I have never felt more in the moment.

    I have a new found respect for women. PMS is no joke - very grateful I don't have physical pain to go with the emotional hecticness... Hard to believe my cis sisters go through this every month. Women are fucking strong.

    It's so funny that the saying is you have to have balls to be brave - that's a complete lie. Balls are fragile and sensitive. Vaginas push babies out of them. People say that when someone is weak they are a pussy - it's completely the wrong way around...

    Patience. Patience. Patience. and some more patience.

    Return to innocence. Enigma

    [Verse 1: Angel X]
    Love - Devotion
    Feeling - Emotion
    Don't be afraid to be weak
    Don't be too proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    [Vocal Sample: Difang and Igay Duana]

    [Hook: Angel X]
    The return to innocence

    [Verse 2: Angel X]
    If you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don't hide
    Just believe in destiny
    Don't care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don't give up and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    [Vocal Sample: Difang and Igay Duana]

    [Spoken Interlude: Sandra]
    That's not the beginning of the end
    That's the return to yourself
    The return to innocence

    [Vocal Sample: Difang and Igay Duana]

    [Spoken Outro: Sandra]
    That's the return to innocence

    xo
    Jess
     
  19. Being Jess

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    So they delay continues. The only thing that that's still happening is hair free cream on my face to get rid of my facial hair and I still live as a woman though everything else is still on the back burner.

    The doubt and fear has come back ten fold though I am soldiering through it. The realisation of what this change means emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially makes me realise how serious it is. I am still going forward, just being super patient.

    I came across a Youtube video by Jordan Volness with a list of questions that are super helpful. No song for today, just the list of questions - they helped me, maybe they help someone reading this. Hugs and kisses. xo

    Thank you Jordan for these questions.

    1. If I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow as a girl, with everyone else understanding you and relating to you as a girl, irrevocably but painlessly, would you press it?

    2. Alternatively, if I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow still as a guy, but without any of the gender issues you've been having, not questioning your gender, and able to live happily as a guy with zero dysphoria, would you press it?

    3. If I had both of those buttons, which one would you rather press, all other things being equal?

    4. If I had a test that could tell you if you were a guy or a girl, which answer would you be hoping for as you took it? Which way would you try to skew your answers, if you did (consciously or not) try to skew them in either direction?

    5. If you washed up on a desert island, by yourself, but with any amount of both male and female clothing, with no hope of rescue but otherwise everything that you needed for a relatively healthy and happy life, would you choose to present as male? female? neither? a mix of the two? one way some of the time, the other way the rest? If for some bizarre reason a lifetime supply of hormones washed up with you as well, do you think you'd take them? What if you washed up with the button from the first thought experiment - in a situation where you were by yourself, would you press it?

    6. Let's say I had a test that asked about all of the things, very thorough, and at the end it would tell you, with 100% accuracy, whether or not you were trans. So you take it, and it tells you, "Well, you've got some mild gender confusion, but you're definitely not trans, and you shouldn't transition." How would that make you feel?

    7. On the other hand, what if the test told you "Yup, you're definitely trans all right, and you should probably start planning your transition." - how would you feel about that?
     
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  20. Being Jess

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    Ok so still nothing to report back on. Still waiting on a more sustainable income stream before I am able to continue my journey. I am grateful that I have had this opportunity to really sit back and think if I really want to transition. I know for sure I am transgender, there is no doubt about that, and I know I definitely want to continue. I look forward to the solid income so that I can get back on track. Without HRT my T is back to normal and I can very clearly recognise how much I do not like being driven by T. I miss my E so much.

    Body hair is growing back. My boobs are gone and my penis is bag to her normal size again. Oh my god I miss my E.

    As soon as I am back on my horse I will start posting more regularly. I am alive, I am well, I am patient. OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM PATIENT!

    Today is my birthday and I think a fitting song for today is...

    Born this way. Lady Gaga

    [Intro]
    It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital "H-I-M" (M, M, M)
    Just put your paws up
    'Cause you were born this way, baby


    [Verse 1]
    My mama told me when I was young
    We are all born superstars

    She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
    In the glass of her boudoir

    "There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
    She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"
    "So hold your head up, girl, and you'll go far
    Listen to me when I say"

    [Chorus]
    I'm beautiful in my way
    'Cause God makes no mistakes
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way

    Don't hide yourself in regret
    Just love yourself, and you're set
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way (Born this way)


    [Post-Chorus]
    Ooh, there ain't no other way
    Baby, I was born this way
    Baby, I was born this way (Born this way)
    Ooh, there ain't no other way
    Baby, I was born this way
    Right track, baby
    I was born this way


    [Interlude]
    Don't be a drag, just be a queen
    Don't be a drag, just be a queen
    Don't be a drag, just be a queen
    Don't be (Don't be, don't be)


    [Verse 2]
    Give yourself prudence and love your friends
    Subway kid, rejoice your truth

    In the religion of the insecure
    I must be myself, respect my youth

    A different lover is not a sin
    Believe capital H-I-M
    Hey, hey, hey

    I love my life, I love this record and
    Mi amore vole fe yah (Same DNA)


    [Chorus]
    I'm beautiful in my way
    'Cause God makes no mistakes
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way

    Don't hide yourself in regret
    Just love yourself, and you're set
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way (Born this way)


    [Post-Chorus]
    Ooh, there ain't no other way
    Baby, I was born this way
    Baby, I was born this way (Born this way)
    Ooh, there ain't no other way
    Baby, I was born this way
    Right track, baby
    I was born this way


    [Interlude]
    (Way) Don't be, don't be...
    (Way) Church

    [Breakdown]
    Don't be a drag, just be a queen
    Whether you're broke or evergreen
    You're black, white, beige, cholo descent
    You're Lebanese, you're orient

    Whether life's disabilities
    Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
    Rejoice and love yourself today
    'Cause baby, you were born this way


    [Bridge]
    No matter gay, straight, or bi
    Lesbian, transgender life

    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born to survive

    No matter black, white, or beige
    Chola or orient made
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born to be brave!


    [Chorus]
    I'm beautiful in my way
    'Cause God makes no mistakes
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way

    Don't hide yourself in regret
    Just love yourself, and you're set
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way, yeah


    [Post-Chorus]
    Ooh, there ain't no other way
    Baby, I was born this way
    Baby, I was born this way (Born this way)
    Ooh, there ain't no other way
    Baby, I was born this way
    Right track, baby
    I was born this way


    [Outro]
    I was born this way, hey
    I was born this way, hey
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way
    I was born this way, hey
    I was born this way, hey
    I'm on the right track, baby
    I was born this way, hey

    Same DNA, but born this way (Hey, hey, hey)
    Same DNA, but born this way (Hey, hey, hey)


    kisses
    Jess
     
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