What if it is all in my head?

Thanks Mikey I hope you have a beautiful day xo

 

Ok so today proves that it is vital for a doctor to be involved in any transition - be it herbal or alopathic. I had my blood work done a week ago so that the Dr could check that everything is A OK... Turns out it is not... Abnormal liver function = not ok to be taking herbal pills... Plus complications for estrogen.

Didn't see this one coming... Have no idea what this all means - I have an appointment to see her tomorrow... Fuck it - if I can't do this on herbs then I am going full HRT...

Before I can though I have to do a bazillion tests to see what the hell is going on...

Best laid plans of mice and women...

Seeing the Dr tomorrow morning first thing... Silver lining - I can use the ladies when I am there.

Fun. Fun.
xo
Riyana

 

Ok so liver scan and blood tests came back negative for anything nasty... It would seem that the PM I was taking before I got the blood tests affected my liver results. I should have just gone to see the doctor in the first place. Would have saved a ton of money on importing herbs and a ton of money on blood tests and additional doctor appointments.

Oh well, a girl's gotta learn what a girl's gotta learn.

The most awesome news is I am now on formal HRT... A smaller dose so that in four weeks I can check my levels again and if everything is normal then I can proceed with a higher dose.

Oh my god - the distance from my last post until today was so hectic... I had no idea if I was ok and I had no idea if I would be able to go onto meds. The dysphoria was so crazy - all the effort I had put in until that point, the clothes I had bought, the people I had come out to. Super emotional experience. Lots of doubt and thoughts of is this real, am I really trans, is it all in my head.

We can all remember the e-mails that changed our lives - be it a new job, a promotion, a new car, a new house or a new beginning.

I didn't even care that the e-mail said I was healthy - when I saw that I could go onto HRT my spirits lifted and everything in me jumped for joy.

Oh - also got my first primer, foundation, concealer and powders on Saturday. Youtube is amazing for all its tutorials. Biggest lesson - orange concealer is excellent for hiding blue shadows.

Going out in public fully feminized is a bitter sweet. I just need to remind myself that opinions are like assholes - everyone has one. The eyeballs - oooh the eyeballs... Anyway - I am not doing this for anyone but myself and if I look like a dude dressed as a women now just give me time - as I have said before, the Mona Lisa wasn't painted in one day.

Have to say - African females are absolutely amazing. I have never felt judged by them ever. They always call me sweety or honey, instead of Sir, and they always compliment me on my nails. African women have gone through a lot in being who they are - maybe they appreciate it when they see someone being authentic in their space. Whatever their reason I appreciate it and it gives me hope for a better world where we can all be free.

First psych appointment coming up on Wednesday.

Roar
xo
Riyana

 

First psych session today. What an incredible psychologist. Seeing her once a week. Very good step, very glad I am seeing someone.

It feels amazing to be in a space where what I say does not hurt someone and where there is no judgement.

Tried orange concealer today for the first time to hide the blue shadow - this is going to take some practice. Looked like I had a very tanned upper lip and chin...

As I keep reminding myself, the Mona Lisa wasn't painted in one day.

Peace and love
xo
Riyana

 

I am coming out to my Mom tomorrow over tea. FUCK

 

Ok So FEAR is absolutely False Evidence Appearing Real... All of the horrible things I imagined were illusions. Spoke about it, why do I think so, how do I know for sure, am I seeing a doctor and a therapist - what exactly does trans mean - and then we had tea and spoke about her week and how her and my step dad are doing...

She left giving me a hug and a kiss and telling me she loves me.

I am very grateful for that experience and for my mother. I absolutely recognize the privilege of having gay relatives that came out years ago which paved the way for acceptance, compassion and open mindedness.

I still think things are going to be super hard the further into my transition I go - when my face starts changing and I have a bigger chest and a higher pitch in my voice, it's going to be difficult for people who have loved me as a man for 36 years of my life. Though that's the path and that come with this journey. Just go to keep focusing on doing everything with love and hope it all works out ok.

As I sit here writing this I am so happy I have not let my fears get the better of me at any point up until today. The fears never go away though that's ok - they can come with me and I will love them too...

Meeting with a makeup consultant next Friday to help me understand how to apply makeup and give me styling tips for my hair. Youtube tutorials are super confusing. Time for some one on one time with a pro.

HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF. Today is a huge milestone.

Onward and upward.

xo
Riyana

 

Thank you so much for your response and kind words.

How interesting is this:

Michelangelo was only 26 years old in 1501, but he was already the most famous and best paid artist in his days. He accepted the challenge with enthusiasm to sculpta large scale David and worked constantly for over two years to create one of his most breathtaking masterpieces of gleaming white marble.

Two years is about right for proper changes to be in affect after taking HRT. It's a nice way to view the time it takes to reveal the beautiful butterfly within.

Something we don't see in transition timelines is what it was like to interact with friends and family in the early stages before HRT has had any affect. The days of the man looking like he is dressed as a woman or the woman looking like she is dressed like a man.

It's a tough time because what is on the outside does not reflect what is on the inside. A girl wearing a men's cut t-shirt with jeans and sneakers is still called Ma’am. A guy wearing make-up, loose pants and a blouse looks is still called Sir.

I noticed yesterday that I don't see men as men and women as women anymore. I see people. I realize that behind each of their eyes and smile may be a secret they have been keeping from the world since they were children or they may just be cis, either way making an assumption and treating people in a certain way because of what they look like is part of the inherent programming everyone subscribes to without even knowing it. A contract we signed at birth with our first cry and was cemented into our being by our upbringing- and no one took us through the fine print.

The one freedom people don't realize they have given up is the freedom to be themselves - whatever that means, with harm to none.

I can feel the matrix when I go out. I can feel the programs people subscribe to that tell them a man dressed in woman's clothes, wearing makeup and walking like a girl is not inline with what they have been taught is ok. Though where is this rule book that everyone refers to in these situations? Subconscious programming.

The world is very far away from freedom of thinking, freedom of feeling, freedom of being. The majority of people live cardboard cutout lives - go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, have grand kids, get the gold watch, die. And defend this so called, “freedom” is defended with their lives.

I think millennials are doing a lot to change this because they realize these constructs make no sense and are totally outdated though it is still the programming of the world and we have a long way to go.

I find myself pulling against these constraints in myself. Due to the fact that I do not look or sound like a woman yet physically (masculine face, very deep voice, male pattern baldness, no breasts and a penis), because my HRT has only just started and has not yet started producing any visible signs of change, I keep flashing between my male self that I am more of at the moment and the female self I am transitioning into.

As I socialize with friends and go out in public - I have some guy friends who will only see me in private and I have girl friends who only care that I am happy and give me tips on what I am doing right about my makeup, etc - I realise that the feeling of being judged by others does not come from them, it comes from within me. If I look at myself and accept myself then I look at others and accept them too, and because I don't automatically put them in a box because of what they look like, I do the same for myself.

Because it is hard not to think - am I really a woman if I speak like a man and say things like a man - and that's when the coin drops and I realize - number 1, that is an incredibly sexist thing to say because where is the "this is how women speak and what they say" box and number 2, even though I am trans I do have trans-phobia.

The fear of being trans.

I have a part of me that does not believe I am feminine enough to be a woman, which means that I could not possibly receive acceptance from anyone else because I would not recognize it. My self-judgmental, trans-phobic filter would block it out.

So when this happens I ask myself if I like what I wearing, how I feel in what I am wearing, would I feel even better if I had a different body in what I am wearing and am I happy with taking a journey to that being.

I know what feels good and goddammit with the limited time I have on this planet and the fact that the years of my entire life time are an absolute fraction of the tiniest drop in the ocean of comparison with how long it took for life to get to this stage in evolution, I am not available to do or be anything because of what other people think. That privilege has been retracted irrevocably right fucking now.

My path to self-awareness is not governed by other people’s limiting beliefs, fears and hate.

And thank god for it because I know I’m not the only one. There are millions of us and every day we pluck up amazing courage to move forward on our path of self-realization, in the face of the very matrix that controls the world. A path of such integrity can only be towards my higher-self and therefore Divine.

You can tell a lot about how accepting someone is of themselves when you stand before them as a free person.

I deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself. Therefore I deeply and completely love, honor and accept those around me.

Any discomfort they experience in my space is a reflection of their hate towards themselves. I hope they find their peace as I have found mine.

There is no document or handbook on what it means to be masculine or feminine. Any label was created by the matrix to control us so we can continue being the consumer slaves we are.

Above the Oracle’s door it reads, “Temet Nosce”. It means Know Thyself.

People die everyday having no clue who they are because they were terrified that if they asked they may just have received the answer.

I am grateful for this journey. It is a blessing.

So enough about me, how are you?

xo
Riyana

 

Just heard this song on The Book of Henry. Thought the lyrics were awesome. A great song between one’s self and the intuition that helps one attain self-realization. Whether that intuition be God, the higher-self or just that feeling about who one is and how to be.

Stevie Nicks. Your hand I would never let it go

Before you I thought I'd lost
They called the game but not for us
Drowned in thought and caught in a stare
Talking to ghosts who were not there

Then you took my hand
Transformation began
Commotion where it once was still
Fireworks explode
Front row tickets to the show

This hand I will never let it go

A crooked trail I've come across
Who can know what's meant for us
So if I get caught what's fair is fair
Every single cloud will fall from the air

Then you took my hand
Transformation began
Commotion where it once was still
Fireworks explode
Front row tickets to the show

This hand I will never let it go
Your hand I will never let it go

Beautiful words.

xo
Riyana

 

So on Saturday my brother said he can't hang out with me in public. Today my Mom said she won't be inviting me to dinners with the family...

If I was in a fire and my entire body was covered in burns to the point where I was no longer recognizable would my brother also not be seen in public with me? Would my mother also leave my space at the table empty for those family dinners?

Interesting question...

My parents are divorced. My dad has been hanging out with my wife and I every weekend since I told him and yesterday we even discussed going on a bike trip across country... I have been loving our time together. Ok so we have not been out in public together though I don't think he would have a problem at all because he has not once said that would be a problem.

The funny thing is how much of a villain my father was made out to be after the divorce. I had a rocky upbringing with my dad. I also don't excuse the abuse that took place against my mother and us kids growing up. Though sometimes people change and they look at who they were, accept themselves for who they are and move onto to be true to their integrity. When you love yourself it makes loving others and receiving love possible.

This journey is bringing me closer to my father and I am so grateful for that.

Look I know they are all going through something too - yeah, I get it, it's hard losing a son or a brother and gaining a daughter or a sister though I thought we loved each other for what was inside.

If I was a rapist or a child molester I would totally understand my family not wanting anything to do with me - but by being who I am and doing harm to no one I am the same as a criminal.

My mother said I should be seeing five therapists at the same time so that I have more than one opinion.

I DON'T NEED A THERAPIST TO TELL ME WHO I AM. The reason I am in this mess in the first place is because for 36 years the world told me who I was and I am not having it any more...

I am very happy with my current therapist. My journey, my path, my choice, my life, my happiness.

I am still glad that I told them. That bridge has been crossed and now I can focus on getting to know me without it being a lie or a shame.

My wife is incredible. Yesterday when I was jumping in the bath she saw the mark from the previous E patch and was like, hey babe where's your patch, did it fall off? To which I responded, no I have a new one on the other side. She had a sigh of relief. How amazing is that.

Some days are going to be diamonds and some days are going to be stones.

Some people love themselves and accept themselves for who they are and some people don't.

I will never stop loving them and they can hang out with me wherever, whenever and it doesn't matter what they are wearing or how they have chosen to express themselves, with harm to none.

As Rex Orange County sing in Uno
"I should just say, "Fuck it, " and be happy instead, right?
Right"

Shine on.
xo
Riyana

 

Yeah Mikey - it's this weird world between worlds... I should never have gone the herbal route before meeting with an endocrinologist. Now I am on such a low dose of HRT that it may as well be sugar pills. Can't wait for my liver test in a couple of weeks - hope it all comes out positive and I can go onto a proper dose. Also - no more patches, I want the implant.

So far the only consistent thing about coming out is the anti-climax, guilt and shame that follows. It's like I have told everyone that I am moving to Spain and they all get sad and then wait two years for the plane to arrive while I awkwardly stand at departure lounge with a bright pink neck pillow, kicking my bag waiting for the boarding announcement.

If ever someone doubts the seriousness of someone going through this transition they should give serious thought to how long it takes. Not a path for impulsive people because any fad or phase would surely wear off rather quickly.

Mikey - as a genderqueer do you consider yourself non-binary? Please tell me more about what it means to be genderqueer for you and your journey and what your goals are, if you are happy to share and don't mind me asking?

xo
Riyana

 

I watch transition timelines of girls in their late teens, early twenties. Fuck I wish I had of done this back then. I have missed out on so much. The only silver lining is me being grateful I am doing this now - I am going to be 40 when everything has been done. There will still be time to enjoy my life as a woman. I AM HATING THIS MAN LOOKING LIKE HE IS PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN BULLSHIT.

Where is the fairy godmother with her magic wand. I don't want to be a pumpkin anymore.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

xo
Riyana

 

So when life gives me dysphoria I raise my middle finger and say on your bike. Mani, pedi, eyebrow shape and tint and new hair color this Saturday... I just have to work with what I've got and make the most of it... Sometimes we can only move as fast as the slowest part of the universe. xo

 

Should probably move all of this over to a blog... Fuck it - I don't care... Super moody today and super irritated. Gym helps though now I just want to break something and scream... I always get PMS when my wife's lady comes... Writing shit down is therapeutic... Bitches be cross.

Here's a song. I would post a link to the track on Youtube though I don't want to get in trouble with the mods. Listen to it on Youtube - was in my "Feel happy" Youtube playlist this morning.

Let it go. by Idina Menzel

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
And it looks like I'm the queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

Let it go (go, go, go go, go go, go go, go, go, go go)
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go

It's funny…


xo
Riyana

 

Tried editing the above post though ran out of time...

Should probably move all of this over to a blog... Fuck it - I don't care... Super moody today and super irritated. Gym helps though now I just want to break something and scream... I always get PMS when my wife's lady comes... Writing shit down is therapeutic... Bitches be cross.

I AM REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF AND SERIOUSLY DISAPPOINTING WITH MY MOTHER AND MY BROTHER. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE - WHAT FUCKING EVER.

The fucking funny thing is my brother is gay - I had no problem when he introduced me to his boyfriend for the first time (he was so nervous) and my wife and I had dinner with them. I was so proud and happy for him. I even paid for dinner and phoned him the next day and told him how happy I was for him. Not once did I feel embarrassed or ashamed that my brother was happy. Why the fuck would I, I love him for who he is.

The fucking funny thing is my mother's ex boyfriend was found out to be molesting his daughter, when I found out I had my Mom move in with my wife and I and we helped her get back on her feet. Shortly after she met the love of her life and now they are very happily married.

FUCK.

Burst into tears and phoned my wife - she is AMAZING... Words cannot explain how much I love her. She's like put on some music, run a hot bath, have a face mask, watch a rom com and spend time with our beautiful cats.

Here's a song. I would post a link to the track on Youtube though I don't want to get in trouble with the mods. Listen to it on Youtube - was in my "Feel happy" Youtube playlist this morning.

Let it go. by Idina Menzel

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
And it looks like I'm the queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

Let it go (go, go, go go, go go, go go, go, go, go go)

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past

Let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on

xo
Riyana

 

Feeling better today... I have a make-up artist visiting me today. She is going to give me lessons on how to properly feminize my face without looking like I drowned my face in a bag of Cheetos.

I also start laser today. Full body and face. I found this permanent hair removal cream... Guaranteed to have no hair after 8 months and the cost for the product is less that a monthly wax.

Cue Feel good music playlist on Youtube music. Tie head band. It's gonna be a kick ass day.

xo
Riyana

 

The Climb. Miley Cirus


I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes you gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa oh oh

xo
Riyana