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What if it is all in my head?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Being Jess, Aug 1, 2019.

  1. Being Jess

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    Hey I am a 36 year old trans female. I was born a male and I look male - a penis, body hair and a deep voice.

    I have some memories of experiences when I was younger of enjoying the feeling of being feminine but I never wore my mother's dresses or make up or anything like that. I always got on better with girls than boys and boys always picked on me for being soft. That resulted in me having to harden the fuck up in later years and take on a more masculine tough guy role.

    I have never understood how men think - the whole jock thing - never understood the bully mentality or locker room teasing that goes on a lot in male circles. The caveman mentality.

    I don't know what triggered the realization that I am a woman - it happened very recently. Like two month's ago.

    I am married to a beautiful, amazing goddess of a woman.

    She kind of knows what I am going through - she's aware of the fact that I am taking herbal HRT. We buy underwear and makeup together though it's not what she wants - she thinks this is a phase I am going through. She says that she would have picked this up sooner if it were true. She doesn't know that I want to be a woman head to toe. I hate keeping this from her though I am not writing this for advice on how to come out.

    I read stories of other trans women and the stories are always about how they knew early on in childhood.

    I think about having a woman's body, being able to wear gorgeous dresses and low cut tops with beautiful cleavage and trading my penis in for a beautiful, smooth, gorgeous vagina, getting my voice done and facial surgery and it gives me this feeling in the center of my being that feels so goddamn right.

    I already wear makeup and woman's underwear. I have been taking PM and ### ####### though I have stopped because I am going to start taking PM with ##### ##### and ###### ########. I am really hoping it feminizes me to the point where I can come out to everyone and then see a Doctor for allopathic HRT.

    I am overweight and so I am going to get fit. I want a tight, slender, sexy body to reflect the beautiful woman I am inside.

    So all of this sounds good and right and not something that a guy who is a guy and wants to be a guy would say...

    Though I am a guy and I was born a guy so firstly if I was born a guy why do I not feel like a guy? Secondly why is this only coming up now? Why am I not like the other trans girls that picked this up when they were younger?

    I have these moments where a part of me thinks this is all in my head though another part of me just wants to get rid of everything male and says it's the lie that is causing the conflict.

    I am so confused.

    Has anyone else gone through something similar?

    I don't want to put this person back in the box and pretend she doesn't exist and go on living life as a dude - I know that I will regret that in the future - though I know what's at stake... My marriage will probably not survive this... Am I doomed to be who I am and be alone for the rest of my life? Is it really worth it?

    Part of me says stop everything right now - forget it - this too shall pass. Another bigger part of me is so excited that I have finally realized who I really am and I cannot wait to fly free. I want to look and move like a woman. I want to be loved as a woman. I want to be recognized as a woman. I want to be referred to as a woman. The cost of doing that is so fucking high.

    I look at the before and after pics of the beautiful woman who have gone through this and I see their past lives as men, with beards and men's clothing, and some of them my age... They look so manly and as their true selves they are such beautiful women.

    I keep thinking that if this was meant to be then I would be born looking more feminine and I would have a secret stash of woman's clothes that I have carried around with me since I was nine. I would have some kind of obvious history that makes all of this make sense.

    Why does this blessing feel like a curse?

    I am not sure what my question is or why I wrote this though I had to get it out and I can't speak to my wife about this. I am just letting the air out bit by bit with her until she eventually realizes who I am.

    Is all of this just in my head? Am I going crazy? Is my wife right - is this just a fad?

    Sorry for the long rant. If anyone has gone through anything similar please let me know what your experience was. I really appreciate your time and help.

    xo
    Riyana
     
    #1 Being Jess, Aug 1, 2019
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  2. smee

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    Hey Riyana, sorry for being so late replying,

    You asked if anyone else has gone through something similar. I can relate. I personally don't remember having the formed, conscious thoughts that others have had of being a girl or growing up to be a woman. That may be because I never allowed myself to. Instead, I had the occasional fantasy of doing whatever I was doing except as a girl, or picking out the "wrong" school supplies or saying the occasional thing that other guys just didn't understand. Others have talked about lining up boy-girl-boy-girl and getting it wrong, or feeling crushed when they realized that puberty wasn't going to work the way that they had hoped.

    You're asking if it is all in your head. Honestly, it is, but that's what defines it as transgender. A friend once described transgender as that how she looked in the mirror and to others didn't match how she saw herself. It sounds like you have a lot of decisions to make, and it sounds like you will consider both your wife and yourself. I would strongly recommend reaching out to a gender therapist, someone who has worked with transgender patients and understands the issues. Lastly, this is neither a blessing nor a curse. This is simply you. First steps can be confusing but you're doing fine.
     
  3. Being Jess

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    Thank you so much for your reply and for your time. I really appreciate your words and taking the time to respond. I am sure you know what a relief it is to speak to someone else who knows because it's easy for friends (I am completely out to one girl friend) to say, you go girl, though fuck I look at the mountain in front of me and knowing that I want to climb it in heels makes me weak at the knees. Make no mistake - I am a powerful woman and I will get to the top.

    I have reflected on my childhood since this all started happening and I recognize the very same things you mention. All those times when I would say or do the wrong things with "the guys" I always thought I didn't fit in because I wasn't good enough or because I didn't like sport or because I didn't get the fucking memo on how to be a boy. I hated that feeling and I did everything in my power to avoid that pain. I became very good at playing the part - I had to figure out how to be a boy. I learned how to distract everyone from me by helping them win and faking a fall before the finish line. That probably makes no sense - though I realized early on that if you make the light shine on someone that is looking at you their ego takes over and they forget about you. Fuck I got good at that.

    I have only really realized all of this very recently. So much about my life suddenly makes so much sense.

    That changed as time went on - I became used to the ego I developed and I became very successful business wise. Then I distracted them with money. I made them rich. I paid their salaries. I sold them products and services.

    I remember as a young boy tucking my penis between my legs - come one, every guy has done that - and looking in the mirror wanting that. The funny thing is I did that at an age when I had no idea what a pussy was.

    I remember squashing my penis into itself and hiding it under my ball sack to make a lump fantasizing about having nothing there.

    I remember pretending to shave my legs like my mom used to because it made me feel pretty.

    I remember thinking to myself as a boy - I really hope I come back as a woman in my next life and how lucky girls are.

    It is so crazy that these memories have only started to make sense now.

    I just brushed all these things off as crazy thoughts because I was so distracted by the need to fit in. I also thought this was something all boys did - no one ever told me they didn't, to this day I have never told anyone these things and to this day no one has told me boys don't do these things, I am still none the wiser.

    When I wrote the above post I thought I sounded crazy. What business do I have coming to a site like this. They will discover that I am a fraud, taking the piss - these well developed people who know who they are will see my post as immature and crazy and stupid and fake.

    I am glad I wrote it. I am also glad you and no one else responded sooner. You didn't give me the emotional relief I was looking for. The pat on my back to say, everything is ok and this is all normal.

    This meant I had to go and do some searching. I have gone through forums and Youtube videos and other posts on this site and I have found out that I am not alone. I have found out that others feel the way I feel and have felt the way I feel and have also questioned their sanity and have had doubts. Oh my god have they become beautiful woman in the process. I can't wait to do the same for others who also feel lost. I can't wait to become the beautiful woman I am.

    Here's what I know:

    1. You eat an elephant one bite at a time
    2. I am not going in for an op to to get a vagina tomorrow, I have time to transition slowly, the caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly in a day or a week or a month or year - it's a process of change
    3. Feelings come and go just like the tide (A huge thank you to The Transition Youtube Channel for helping me realize that)
    4. Looking at the entire journey in any situation is incredibly daunting - whether you are moving house, going on holiday, building a house or discovering and accepting who you really are... Take it one day at a time.

    So I have decided to look at a few things and decide what I like and what I don't like and just go slowly - super slow - as if I was a teenager girl going through puberty, that's effectively what HRT is and if the hormones create the physical effect then I can appreciate the emotional and mental process too....

    1. Do I like having facial hair - if yes then keep it, if no then get laser
    2. Do I want to have a slimmer figure - if yes then workout and get the body that I want to represent who I am if no then keep eating pies
    3. Do I want breasts - if yes then take the herbal medication, if no then don't
    4. Do I enjoy wearing woman's underwear - if yes then wear gorgeous panties, if no then don't
    5. Do I enjoy painting my nails every week - if yes then paint them, if no then don't
    6. Do I enjoy peeing sitting down - if yes then carry on, if not then stop
    7. Do I want to change my voice - if yes then see a voice coach, if not then keep it as it is
    8. Do I want to get laser on other parts of my body - if yes then do so, if not then don't
    9. Do I want my name to be Riyana instead of the name I was given at birth - if yes then work towards that becoming official, if no then keep the name I got when I was born
    10. Do I want to dress as a woman - if yes then do so, if no then don't

    and so the list goes on...

    What I realize is that being a woman is not about me telling the world I am a woman - the world knowing who I am, accepting who I am or rejecting who I am has nothing to do with who I am. Being a woman is about being a woman

    What I realize is that clothes do not define the person, the person defines the clothes - trying to change the reflection by changing the mirror will not change the person.

    What I know is that gender is not black and white - it's so everything in between, a rainbow, 50 shades of grey - femininity is not only pink and masculinity is not only green - and there is so much in between far right and far left and dead center.

    What I realize is that feelings will come and go and they can be daunting - so long as I am able to focus on the small things, the small steps and keep checking in with myself I will be ok... If I wake up in the morning and my 36 years of male programming fights against this change then I will ask myself all those questions and if I still want to do them I will, if I don't I won't...

    There is no policeman that will arrest me for being who I am as long as who I am does not affect the free will of others, and there is no big man in the sky with a big stick who will beat me for being who I am. The Supreme Being is a woman anyway, how else could the universe have been born?

    And most importantly - it's a flow and it changes and that's ok. Go with the flow - be the ocean and not the cork.

    I think I got super distracted by the mountain and forgot about the path. And walking the path. And resting when I get tired. And looking at the flowers along the way.

    And in terms of my wife? I found a great forum for partners who have transgender female husbands. One of the wives said that her and her transgender partner agreed that she would go as fast as she could and he would go as slow as She (born he) could....

    I can't force her to stay but I also should not hold her so small and assume she will leave. As much as I am asking her to respect my spiritual path I must respect hers.

    She is am amazing person and I am an amazing person - whatever happens we will treat each other with respect and I will always be honest with her, I have promised her that.

    All I can say is I have fallen in love with myself for the fist time in my life and I know that what I am going through right now is incredibly selfish though sometimes we have to be selfish....

    I read somewhere the other day - when you are on a plane and it goes down you apply the oxygen mask to your own face before helping the person next to you... Come to think of it - it was on the Netflix show Transparent if I am not mistaken.

    Here's the truth - in 80 years I will be dust in the wind. No one gets out of this life alive. When I do go out I will be rocking a gorgeous rack (wrinkly as fuck) in 9 inch heels (who am I lying to, I will most likely be wearing slippers) and holding the hand of the one I love, I really hope that is my wife though I won't hold her back if she wants to go - if no one else is there then my hands will be folded beneath my wrinkly old tits and I will have a smile on my face...

    I am done living a lie and I am done playing everyone else's game.

    My name is Riyana, I am a transgender female, HEAR ME FUCKING ROAR!!!!

    Smee - thank you so much for your response to my message. I am incredibly grateful for you taking the time to write a message to me, tell me - how are you my beautiful friend?

    xo
    Riyana
     
    #3 Being Jess, Aug 2, 2019
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  4. smee

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    I absolutely love your energy!

    I think that I saw that you had come out to yourself two months ago. It's heady stuff! I think that it's wonderful that you're assessing the possibilities.

    You asked- I'm good. It's funny. I came out to myself a little over two years ago. In the chaos of the first year I lost a career that paid well but where I had driven myself and was driven well past burnout. Now, I think I'm reaching an end to the shock and soul searching.

    I'm also beginning to incorporate all of these threads that we call identity, the only question is how I'm going to come across to others. I mean, I identify more with women and I don't personally care for that maleness stuff. On the other hand, I still kind of love working on cars and building things. I do like dressing well, but lately I just want the jeans and t-shirts to fit a little better (so to speak), and to hopefully be a little more connected to my body and brain.

    Body-wise, I have an appointment coming up for hair transplants, to address that neglect, and I'm starting to see results from electrolysis (finally!) I'm also looking for an endocrinologist. My family's medical history may affect the choice and delivery of HRT, and I'm seeing this as a whole body approach to the rest of my life. Beyond that, yup--lot's of weight to lose. Soul searching doesn't burn calories! :slight_smile:
     
  5. Being Jess

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    LOL! Soul searching doesn't burn calories, damn straight girl friend. I am sorry to hear about your job, I hope you are ok and you have found a new work place that will appreciate you and that operates in 2019 and not in the dark ages. The world is so programmed - though it is changing slowly and we are part of that change. Future generations will look back and thank people like us who were brave enough to be who we are and represent ourselves as who we are despite the lack of education, awareness and spiritual evolution in the world. I know I look back at the first trans woman and thank them for paving the way - can you imagine how difficult it was for them in a world with zero awareness that someone can be born in the wrong body.

    Your point about neglect is so true - It's interesting how we do not take amazing care of ourselves when we are in the body that is not the true reflection of who we are. I think it's cool though because with the right diet and exercise plan we can get the bodies and fitness level we are looking for and chip away at the marble until we reveal the gorgeous goddess within. I am seeing a hair loss specialist at the end of the month to take care of the early stages of balding. This girl is going to have a full head of beautiful thick hair - better believe it!

    I came out to my father last night. My father is incredible and amazing and I love him so much. I told him what's going on and that I am going through this process as a responsible, mature adult, very slowly. I told him that the reason I am telling him this is so that when he sees me changing in the coming months he must know that I am ok. He's cool with it and with who I am, he just wants me to be happy. I connected with my father last night in a way I never have before - it was incredible. I am going to wait before coming out to the rest of my family - one day at a time - though I woke up this morning feeling amazing.

    Here's something interesting - when doubt and fear crosses my mind I ask myself it is is because I don't have confidence in what I am going through or if I am worried about what others will think. It's always the latter. Me not being me because of what others think is not a good enough reason. Quite frankly people are focused on themselves and while they may seem interested for a moment the shit in their life will soon distract them from whatever I am doing. If I love someone and they can't accept me for who I am then they are not my people. I have read that a lot of trans people have lost friends and family as a result of their transition. It is sad though I am not willing to put who I am in the cupboard for their comfort level. I am not a judgmental person though I realize that others are not like me and I respect them for that. They must walk their path. One day we will all be on our death bead and then the only thing we will be left with is the question of did we live our lives for ourselves or someone else. I will not have any regret in this life. If that means finding new friends and making a new family then so be it.

    I stopped taking Saw Palmeto last week as I am waiting for my white peony and reishi mushroom to arrive this week which I will be taking with my PM. Testosterone is coming back in buckets. When I was on SP the hair on my beautiful shaved legs, arms, chest, stomach and crotch were growing back super slow - now it's like the balls are back in the bag and the little people at the hair growing factory are working overtime. I am absolutely getting laser on my entire body in the coming months. This masculine hair needs to hit the road. When I get out of the shower I want to look in the mirror and see a gorgeous woman - not a guerrilla in the myst.

    I am going for a full body wax next weekend - ER MER GERD - first time. My wife says it's going to be to like 40 year old virgin. I am taking a wooden spoon to bite down on.

    I hope it's ok if I use this thread as a means to continue updating the details of my journey and experiences? I am new here and so if that is not in line with the sites rules then Admin please let me know and I'll stop.

    Smee, have a day as beautiful as you and thank you so much for our conversations you have no idea how it has helped.

    xo
    Riyana
     
  6. Being Jess

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    Coming out to my father has helped me realize how real this is. I am drowning in fear of losing everyone in my life. Especially my wife. Despite that fear I sat down with her today and told her everything. We watched some videos on Youtube of wives and how they handled it and couples and how they handled it. I also showed her some transformation timelines.

    If you are a couple going through this then I recommend watching the TedTalk - Have you met your soulmate. Shows a path that can be followed.

    We have committed to taking this one day at a time and continuing to be open and honest about what we are going through, what works for us and what does not.

    While I am still absolutely terrified I am going to act in spite of my fear. The two things I have absolute control of is my honest to myself, my honesty to my partner and speed at which I choose to transition. Slow and steady wins the race.

    Peace and love
    xo
    Riyana
     
  7. JaimeMB

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    FUCK, Riyana! I could have written this myself almost verbatim. I just signed up for this site today to write the same thing and yours is the first post I read. The struggle is real. I'm 35, married, had "hints" as a child, but nothing that I would have acted on. (though they look like more than just hints now!)

    I have the exact same internal struggle as you. I also have three kids, and have been divorced previously, so this scares the shit out of me.

    I'm sitting at my computer at work wearing women's underwear secretly for the first time in public as I write this. I have told my wife that I believe I may be trans, but it did not go over well. She's understanding of my situation, but she seems to think our marriage won't survive my transition.

    I don't want to lose her. I don't want to fuck up my family. I don't want to take my kids through another divorce. But the idea of transitioning feels like LIFE.

    I don't hate my body or my penis, but I dream of all the same things you mentioned above. I have a call with a counselor today that specializes in this, so I'm hopeful that I'll be getting help, but I feel trapped between losing the family that I love or giving up on the identity I feel to be most me. (you'll notice I even left my bio ambiguous).

    Coming out to my parents/family and hers? Shoot me now. Deeply religious, politically conservative, NOT open-minded. Not looking forward to that either.

    I don't know what to do.

    Community, I'll take just encouragement even if you don't have advice. Just need to feel seen.
     
  8. Being Jess

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    Hey beautiful James - be true to yourself and remember you are in control of how fast this happens. I am not going to give advice or tell you what I think about your life because it is your life and your experience. All I can do is share what I am going through - maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't. If you have not watched the videos on The Transformation Youtube channel do so. They are very, very helpful. Writing on this forum is also very, very, helpful. It feels a lot less crazy when it is down on paper.

    This is going to be the hardest thing I have EVER done in my entire life. I am going to face anger, doubt, judgement, hate and also some acceptance, love and support. The most insane physical, emotional, mental and spiritual roller coaster ever. That's what happens when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

    While watching the Youtube videos with my wife I burst into tears and apologized sincerely for fucking up her life - fucking up us.

    It is fucking hard because I am asking her to accept who I am though she is telling me that who she is cannot accept who I am and I then experiencing a problem accepting that - so both people are not accepting the other for who they are. Whatever I am feeling about not being good enough, she's feeling that too.

    I thought my conversation went well with my wife last night until we went to bed. An hour or two into sleeping she freaked out completely, wouldn't let me hold her when she was upset and was very, very angry at me for killing her husband.

    I have decided that I am going to be what I want her to be - that's all I can do. So I am just going to be super understanding and supportive and try my best to listen to what she is saying. I need to remind myself that when she shouts and freaks out about the things I now want to do and the person that I am revealing more of everyday that she isn't asking me to put it back in the box - she is just having her experience and dealing with this cluster fuck in her way.

    Maybe she will see that beneath the skin is me and that I still love her and support her and would kill for her. I am not doing it to manipulate her, I am doing it because she is my wife and my best friend and my soul mate and because I am still me.

    When the emotions heat up and she is freaking out I am going to let her go through it. It's like sometimes to put out a fire you need more fire - just to burn out the oxygen so it extinguishes itself. Once that is done and the emotions are somewhat calmer then we can have a conversation. It's weird, it's like a breakup though both people are still in the room.

    What I do know is this - I wake up everyday more and more happy that I am being honest about who I am and I am trying different things to see how I feel. I have these moments when I think that I need to act femme or feel femme to be femme ALL THE TIME. Then I remind myself I am femme - inside I am a woman. My version of woman. It's just the packaging that needs to be changed. This helps with the doubt and the fear.

    It's hard when one's partner says - so if you are a woman why did you buy those manly shoes a few weeks ago or why do you listen to that manly music, etc, etc... It's hard when one's partner insists that if this was real they would have picked it up sooner.

    When one has been told how to act, dress, behave, what genres of music one is supposed to listen to, movies one is supposed to enjoy, sports one is supposed to be a fan of, toilets one is supposed to use and how one is supposed to use them (Thank you to The Transition Channel on Youtube for helping me with all of this) there is no surprise one knows exactly how to be that gender in a very convincing way. That's why it's called being in the closet. Behind closed doors, hiding from the world.

    When one is in denial of who they are why would they not act in line with who they were born as. Of course they would buy the manly clothes, listen to the manly music and do the manly things. Before the coin drops and one realizes the truth, acting like a girl when one is a boy would be ludicrous - or what? Suffer the same pain one did when they were younger when they killed any sign of being a girl to avoid the pain that came with being different. I am currently changing that and look at what is happening, exactly what I fear, exactly why I haven't done it before.

    Though I look at these doubts from my partner as a gift and a form of support - yes it's not a hug or a kiss - it's fucking hard and it's fucking raw and it's an absolute cluster fuck. I don't want this trans bullshit - not now, not ever - though it is what it is and I am who I am, I can't put it back in the box - it will only come back stronger.

    I use these questions and this doubt as a litmus test. A way to know my truth. If the trunk of the tree is weak then the wind will blow it over. Though if the tree knows it's a tree and the trunk is strong it will just sway in the wind and the wind will eventually respect the tree.

    I can't make any decisions for my wife. I honestly hope we can find a middle way here and I know that we are going to have to recreate our relationship and that what we had in the way we had it won't ever exist again. That's hard for anyone to deal with.

    On the far left I ignore everything, climb back into the man suit and continue living our lives pretending nothing happened. On the far right we break up and both find a new person while feeling like our heart has been ripped out of our chest and our soulmate is lost forever. In the center we find a way to learn about each other for the first time and realize the that chassis never represented the driver, the cover never represented the book, the caterpillar never represented the butterfly. Though just because that is the case doesn't mean the memories with the person before they transitioned were not real - I am still in here, I am still me - I just want a different body. Everything else about me is still the same. I just didn't look like who I really am.

    When we are both 80 and wrinkly as fuck and no longer physically attractive what would remain. Companionship, friendship and love. So why not now?

    There is no time I could have done this but now. I was not in a position before now to ask myself the questions I have asked myself. I have been slowly peeling away the many, many layers of this onion for the last three years. I just wasn't aware that it was going on. One day I realized the truth and then once the lid was off the light came out and now I want it to shine though I have to be careful because the eyes of my loved ones are not used to this light and I don't want to blind them. Need to use the dimmer switch. Doing so does not compromise who I am - I do this because I love them and I want them to see I am still me. I have to be the change I want to see in the world.

    I am tougher than I think and the people in my life or stronger and more understanding than I give them credit for.

    One day at a time. Taking it super slow. Though always making sure that I am honest with myself and my partner. Fuck I'll deal with my other family later - right now I am happy with what's on my plate.

    Handling my family will be a lot easier once I know what the situation is with my marriage. I am going to give that as much time as it needs.

    I am not going to stop painting my nails or wearing what I want to wear. When asked I just say I am going through my Johnny Depp phase. That's all they need to know for now.

    As they say in the cancer wards - this too shall pass. Just need to give it time, trust myself, trust the one's I love and trust this world.

    Everything is going to be ok.
    xo
    Riyana
     
  9. JaimeMB

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    Yeah, I’m with you on the “figure out the marriage first” bit. I feel like I could face anything if I knew she was in my corner ride-or-die.

    Please do continue to catalogue your journey here! Maybe we can walk together side-by-side, holding hands through the interwebs.

    I’ve got a lot of weight to lose too. Probably 50+ lbs. but chiseling away that marble feels like a very different kind of motivation than when I’ve lost weight in the past. I’m trying to uncover HER.

    I’m starting with a water fast (which I plan to do regularly), and looking up ALL the butt lift workouts. My legs are genetically crazy muscular without working out, but I’m hoping HRT will slim them down eventually.
     
  10. JaimeMB

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    What was that youtube channel you mentioned. There’s a lot of things with similar names... post a link? Thanks!
     
  11. Being Jess

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    Search Doubt and Denial Transition channel... It's the top video with the girl in the jacket and coral top.
     
  12. Being Jess

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    Seeing a doctor next Tuesday for HRT or at least for some professional help with herbs, self medicating is stupid. Came out to my brother yesterday - he is very supportive though very scared for me. Every time I come out to someone I gain more confidence in who I am and who I am becoming.

    Taking it all one day at a time.

    As I watch TV I keep looking at woman and comparing my future self to them. I have to remind myself that I am me and my version of woman and that I am good enough. Femininity is not a colour or a piece of clothing or a hand gesture or a way of speaking. It is a way of being.

    It keeps coming down to genitalia. Just because one has a penis does not mean they are male. If one is male then they would most likely want a penis. The same goes for MTF. Not being born with a vagina doesn't mean I am not a woman. Being a woman means I most likely want a vagina. I say most likely because everyone is different and anyone reading this who doesn't feel the same should realize that what they want, how they want to be and who they are is totally cool.

    Huge fight with my wife this morning. I have seriously fucked her life up. I just need to be there for her and give her the support she needs. I can't imagine what she's going through. She keeps hoping she will wake up and this nightmare will be over. I keep hoping that we can find a way to create something new and that she will look beneath my skin and see that I am still me. I just want my physical body to represent who I am.

    This whole thing is a delicate tight rope - I don't want my life to implode. Though courage is not the absence of fear - it is acting in-spite of fear. So I carry on day by day and keep checking in with myself. So long as what I am doing works for me I will continue. I remind myself - I have absolute control of my honesty with myself, my partner and the speed at which I transition.

    Breath in. Breath out. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

    Breath in. Breath out.
     
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  13. Being Jess

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    I deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself
     
  14. Being Jess

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    What an awesome day. First day wearing a skirt in public, lots of stares though not uncomfortable or awkward at all. That’s thanks to my amazing wife being by my side.

    The day started with an 8:00 hair appointment for both of us. I’ve got a style now and a goal for my hair.

    Then a full body wax for both of us. Wife went Hollywood I went Brazilian with a small triangle.

    To top everything off we went clothes shopping. Got a bunch of skirts and tops and lingerie. Struggled to find shoes in my Godzilla female size (I’ve got massive feet) though when you can’t find it in store, go online.

    30 minutes into the hair appointment the stylist reminds us both that today is national woman’s day. Could not have picked a better day for all these firsts.

    My wife is incredible. I love her so much. She is my queen, my Amazonian, my Goddess.

    Looking very forward to my doctor appointment on Tuesday to discuss my HRT path.

    I hope all my sisters all over the world had an incredible woman’s day. The last two months have been terrifying (and it’s only the beginning) though I’m so glad I acted in site of my fear. I have never felt so real, authentic and alive.

    The key to the door between where you are now and where you want to be is in your pocket. We are not afraid of our failure, we are afraid of our success. To those who are struggling on this path I send you light and love and hope that you find the courage to act in spite of your fear. You are not alone. You are beautiful and know that I accept you for who you are.

    Peace and love
    xo
    Riyana
     
  15. Being Jess

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    So I officially have a Doctor and the meeting went really well. I am going to follow a natural path at first - white peony tea, red reishi mushroom and pueraria mirifica - for the next eight weeks. Blood test before and after. After that the plan is to go onto proper HRT.

    The Doctor and receptionist called me by my female name and the Uber driver called me a lady. I make a super ugly female right now though the Mona Lisa wasn't painted in one day.

    Absolutely incredible feeling. I am overjoyed.

    Also got hold of a psychologist that can help with the emotional and mental side of things for both myself and my wife. She is scared and still hopes this nightmare will end soon. I hope she sees that it is still me inside. When a partner transitions they don't do it alone - the cis partner also goes through the change, big time. I think the biggest issue is the question of sexuality - my wife has clearly stated that she is not a lesbian. I believe we can find a middle way and while that means we will have to make certain changes to the labels, structures and boundaries we have placed on our relationship, it can be done. Having said that I will not hold her back from doing what she needs to do to be happy. My deepest hope is we grow old together though my love for her and he happiness is far bigger than my needs and wants for her. What will be will be.

    I continue to act with total honesty to myself and my partner and I am very happy that I am taking all of this as slow as I can.

    I look at the photo of my avatar and feel like I am looking in the mirror - I just need the body creating the reflection to catch-up.

    Awesome step in the right direction. Beautiful day.

    Love to you all
    xo
    Riyana
     
  16. Being Jess

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    Waves of doubt come and go. When they do I close my eyes and imagine a clock. I can see the second hand ticking. I see myself lying or sitting or standing wherever I am with everything and everyone around me and behind me I see the clock. I see everyone moving around me, I see myself moving and I see the second hand ticking - tick, tock, tick tock.

    If I have had an incident with someone - maybe they said something or did something that made me feel uncomfortable or unhappy I will go to that memory and visualize it- see myself and them and everything else I can remember - all the colours and details and objects, etc, with the clock behind the scene tick tocking away.

    Once the image is clear in my mind I freeze time. I stop the clock from moving. Everyone and everything around me stops as well - frozen like in the movies. I am still able to move though everything else is frozen.

    I then imagine myself dropping through the floor as if I was taking an elevator to a lower level. As I drop I land on soft green grass or beautiful white sand or a delicious feather bed or a pile of orange autumn leaves or crystal clear mountain water or soft puffy white clouds.

    I take a moment to check in with myself as I lie there in my imagination and I remind myself.

    I deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself.

    Then I open my eyes and continue my day in whatever my truth and integrity is.

    Peace and love
    xo
    Riyana
     
  17. Being Jess

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    Yesterday I received an invoice from the Doctor post our appointment. I was so overjoyed to see it addressed to my female name. It is the first time I have received a formal letter addressed to me as a woman.

    I phoned the Doctor's office, spoke to the receptionist and told her how much I appreciated the e-mail being addressed to me as my female self and that it was time it had happened, to which she responded, "it's our absolute pleasure Sir."

    Bless her cotton socks, she meant no harm though some more training is definitely required.

    Also - why aren't there gender neutral toilets at a sexual health clinic that specializes in transitioning and HRT?
     
  18. Being Jess

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    Started herbal HRT today... I feel like I am looking at a slab of marble and I am about to reveal the Venus within.

    One of the happiest days of my life.

    Of course my neon pink nails and new lingerie just adds a delicious cherry on top.

    Girl meets world.

    xo
    Riyana
     
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  19. smee

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    Hey Riyana,

    Girl meets world indeed--you've been busy! I'm glad that you're making such progress. I'm also glad that you and your wife are able to find ways to be there for one another. It's been on the road- I've been following, but it has been difficult to find an actual keyboard to reply.

    Sorry for being away. Yeah, depression reared its precious little head, and I've been on the road....

    On a really good note, I got transplants! They look terrible now of course and I could nitpick a little about the hairline ...but why! I'm happy.
     
  20. Being Jess

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    Congratulations on your new hair my beautiful friend! It must feel wonderful and soon it's going to look lovely just like you.

    You mentioned that you hit some depression - are you ok? Are you feeling better? Anything you want to get off your shoulders?

    I hope you have a day as beautiful as you.

    xo
    Riyana