What does it mean to be young?

I am not sure how old you are.

I think I did the same thing, because I couldn't figure out how to live life on those terms in a "straight" world either. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I "forewent my youth," as this would say that I didn't have a youth. I have fond memories of being young, despite plenty of social problems. There were highs and lows.

But I don't want to quibble about that. Your experience could be different. What I want to write about is how, decades later, I did regain some of what was lost. Sure, many problems I never solved remained unsolved, but sometimes, oftentimes, I feel as if I never left that youth behind. I feel the same, though the mirror tells a different story.

Throughout my middle age, I wished my life away, serving the sentence of a job that paid well, but that I did not like, so that I could retire, and maybe do another phase. That did happen, but the turning point came a little before, when I quit drinking. I had numbed myself with alcohol for years, in penance for problems that never got solved. It was in part despair over connections with people; perhaps there were some sexual disappointments in there somewhere.

Once the fog of self-medication dissipated, I felt that I had returned to a happier time of my youth, when I did not use substances and I lived life more as it is supposed to be lived.

The gay community has a problem with "age." People write novels about how a gay person's life is "over at 30." I would suggest you not believe a word of it. It is propaganda, which for all its sophistication and effectiveness could have been written on Wall Street. Whatever your age, there are people just like you out there. Connecting with them may be difficult, but the older you get the more it can be attempted without the worry of not looking "cool." The hetero guy with the midlife crisis and the Corvette may have similar problems, so we shouldn't feel like Mother Nature or God or somebody doomed us to gay gerontological purgatory.

I've been trying to reinvent myself, in a way that takes the best of the days past and combines that with the best of the future. I wouldn't go back and re-live life, even if I could take everything with me. That's because I have more control of my life today, than I ever did at 16. I sure hope you do too!

 

To me being young just means to act carefree and have fun and be silly.

 

Thank you crazydog. I've been thinking of some of the same thoughts. And while I appreciate faustian's positive spin on lost youth, I also can't help but feel that I gave away my prime sexual years and wasted them. I'm ok with it - the thought is not bothering me or causing me any stress or emotional turmoil, but I am able to recognize that I do feel this way, positive spin or no.

 

I dont want to hijack this thread, I unfortunately dont have too much to add to this convo, being only 30... It does make me want to come out a little, but as far as experience not much to add to the convo like faustian.. But I have a question about your post... regarding self medication. What is that? I take it to mean smoking weed usually. Is that what you meant? My follow up question is if you came out and then quit, was quitting difficult?

My questions have obvious implications behind them... I smoke weed frequently, and I always deny any link to being in the closet because it also helped me in the past with anxiety from AS. However I have noticed my anxiety from AS is controlled now... Yet I still smoke pot... I am trying to figure out if it is habit, or maybe something more... Like I am still self medicating because I dont like being in the closet...

I know you wont be able to answer specifically, but I just thought maybe you could offer insight... or words of wisdom... If you were not talking about smoking then I have clearly gone off on a ridiculous tangent, and feel free to let me know

 

Age and youth are mindsets. Live life for the moment. What's in the past is in the past, where your going is the future unknown. Keep an open mind, make yourself vulnerable, take risks, try new experiences, learn about yourself, expand your horizons. When you fall, brush off the dirt and get back up. When you succeed, sit back and celebrate. These are my perceptions that define youth.

 

Youth is the period between childhood and adulthood. For most people youth and adolescence are aligned with their chronological age, the teenage years. The matter is more complicated for people who come out later in life because we experience a second adolescence where we learn how to be gay or bisexual that is not aligned with our chronological age. Thus while many of us are middle aged, our sexual age as gay and bisexual folk are much younger. We experience a second adolescence with goofy crushes and awkward moments even though we are responsible parents and holding down jobs.

So for me, regaining lost youth was about going through my second adolescence as a gay man and the subsequent so many men so little time phase. I'm probably somewhere in my 20s experience wise as a gay man, though I'm at a point where distinguishing between gay age and chronological age no longer makes sense.

The potential trap is pursing younger guys as a way to regain lost youth, which is fun short term, though once you date someone much younger than yourself, you realize that you really need someone who has more life experience.

 

I think this is pretty common from the interactions I have had with other middle-aged married, and out, men. This sexual youth is extremely compelling and a bit disconcerting. Today, I have interacted with a half dozen "friends" I have met through various apps, groups or other contacts. I suppose it is trying to regain the lost gay sexual youth I did not, fully, experience as a teenager or young man.

But, I am not sure this is, necessarily, only with gay or bisexual men out late in life. A couple straight friends, who went through divorces, behaved in very similar ways. Or, they would have if women were as easy as men!:dry:

Crazydog

I think that regaining lost youth, not necessarily sexual youth, requires a youthful mindset. One must look at life as an adventure. In youth, one does not consider so much the consequences of behavior. You live in the moment and the future will work itself out. I think it is important to try and put yourself into this frame once in awhile. I find if I start a new sport (for me it was kitesurfing), I can generate this mental state.

The other thing that I think is important is getting in shape. A more youthful body does wonders for feeling that youth. Ten pounds less fat can put a spring into your step! Plus, it helps with making "friends".

 

By pure chance, I recently reconnected with two old friends, two guys I had not seen in 35 years. Both had aged, one beautifully, one terribly.

The one who grew older beautifully has certainly aged, his hair is completely gray (I last saw him when he was 26!), but he is still with the woman he was with then, and his zest for life and the hobby that we share is amazing! The one who didn't do so well gained weight, looks older than his years and, due to economic factors and a divorce, is back to living with his 74-year old mother.

To be young means that one has several possibilities ahead and the freedom to chose among them. Some choices are better than others, but no choice is permanent or immutable. It follows then that returning to a situation that regains these possibilities (including a return to relative health) is a return to "youth". But this is where it gets better for us later-in-lifers: after some years spent living and learning, the ability to make better choices increases (if one is wise enough to heed the lessons that failures and disappointments teach).

For me personally, returning to my "youth", in a situational sense but with wisdom gained is making this present time what I can only describe as the best years of my life.

 

Spot on as always!

 

I am also an AS guy, and in fact what I was referring to is alcohol (and also smoking cigarettes). I don't use either of these things anymore. I was psychologically addicted to alcohol (perhaps a bit of physical dependence, too), like you could be to weed. I know people who smoke weed continually, for the same general purpose that a lot of people drink to excess. Once you connect and understand the AS a bit, doing without substances facilitates better progress, I think.

The reason I used substances didn't have a direct, specific connection to homosexuality alone. However, it did have to do with social connections (or the lack thereof) with others. Social connections of all kinds. If you know about AS, then I probably don't have to say much more.

Anyway, substance abuse is relevant to this youth question, because when people have regrets, they often "self medicate." Alcohol can do wonders to facilitate denial, which probably is why it's so popular.