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What does it feel like to be a lesbian in a relationship with a man?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Shy95, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. Shy95

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    Say it was possible you were, but you werent entirely sure, and your male partner had no idea. If you've been in this situation as a lesbian, what did it feel like? What thoughts and feelings did you have?
     
  2. Lia444

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    Are you saying you are in a relationship with a guy and you feel you might be a lesbian and not straight or perhaps bi? Maybe try explaining how you feel as everyone is different, there are no set feelings etc
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    This is a really difficult question to answer. There are similarities, but everyone's journey is different. There are so many thoughts and feelings, they ebb and flow, go around and around circles. It's very confusing. It'd be hard to explain it all in one sentence.

    Try explaining how you feel as @Lia444 suggests and get some input, or search for older threads and see if you can relate? I spent a few months just reading threads before I actually joined EC and found it helpful.
     
  4. Shy95

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    I don't know. It's hard to explain how I feel. A lot of the things I do feel seem to be strongly linked with gender roles/sexism, so I don't know if it's more about my feelings against that than possibly being gay.
     
  5. Lia444

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    Ok how about listing the things you do that are concerning you. You won’t be judged but we can’t really offer advice if we don’t know the full story.
     
  6. Shy95

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    Took me a while to figure out how to word it but I guess it's like this...
    First of all, when it comes to "roles" played in a relationship, it feels like it would fit me a lot more to be the one buying flowers/being protective/playing the more "manly" role. But I know that stems from sexism so I wonder if it's less of a sign of me being a lesbian and more of me not wanting to be treated "like a girl".
    I also enjoy and prefer w/w romance films more than straight ones. Once again, I don't know whether thats because straight relationships seem so loaded with sexist roles and stereotypes, especially in films. That I feel like this about straight relationships makes me feel like I'd much rather marry a woman than a man. A domestic future with a man seems terrible for a wife.
    And this may seem silly/trivial, but I guess you could say my way of being "feels" more like that of a lesbian, and I fit the stereotypes I guess. I know that's potentially offensive and ridiculous though. But you know, I'm strongly feminist, kind of boyish, etc etc. But once again, maybe those things are just also indicative of my rejection of female sexist qualities.
     
  7. Lia444

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    I would say that is more gender expression rather than sexuality. Some women are like that and gay and some are straight. Have you had any attraction for women in real life? Is this something you would like to pursue? Any fantasies about women?
     
  8. Shy95

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    Hmmm okay. And maybe this gender expression is why something often feels a bit off with guys... because I don't know how to express that side of myself when with a guy, so I feel kind of repressed. Out of interest, how do I do that? It would seem weird if I starting being more like this, and that really annoys me that it would seem weird. Maybe why it would feel easier to be with a girl. And yes I have some attraction to women, I would much rather see a woman than a man naked, and I sometimes look at nude pictures of women and get aroused at what I'd like to do to them(thinking of myself in the more dominant, penetrating role).
     
  9. Creativemind

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    I feel like gender roles never 100% disappear regardless of relationship. I know a lot of women hate being with men because of a proposed role, but then they also tend to push those roles in lesbian relationships (just with them in the opposite one), which can be just as problematic in a way.

    So I think it's less about roles and about attraction...when you think about it, if we changed society where men had to be submissive and take care of their wives needs, would these people start liking men? Or stop liking women if women forbade them from being in the role they want?
     
  10. Lia444

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    What things would you like to do that you aren’t doing now so you feel more like yourself? Women can be more dominant etc. And some men like this in a women. How long have you been with your boyfriend would he be up for you exploring your sexuality or you trying new things?
     
  11. Shy95

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    I think I just dont like being the girl in a straight relationship because of all the sexist stuff that comes with it. And even if I happened to become the dominant one in the relationship, in society and the world as a whole i'm still the female in the relationship. The relationship would just be seen as quirky. Thered be no real, deep change. But with another girl, we're entirely equal. Theres none of that sexist bagage from society to deal with.
     
  12. Lia444

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    I’ve been thinking about this more the last couple of days... for me I don’t seem to like the look of men, the hair, muscles etc. They are perceived to be stronger and look after women. But I’ve never wanted to be looked after and never really saw the appeal. I kept telling myself that I’m suppose to like the opposite sex but I don’t. I too like the idea of being more equal etc but both can be dom and sub at different times so it’s more balanced. I never really saw that as an option with men which is also probably why I wasn’t interested. I’m questioning too and keep coming to the conclusion that I’m most likely gay or at least this is something I want to try to see if it’s me.
     
  13. Lexa

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    Why do you think you cannot have a relationship based on equality with a man? I am right now at this moment in such a relationship. We divide chores according to what we prefer to do. Do the neighbours sometimes think we are a weird couple? Probably. The only exception is the bedroom but I have no problem with that. I wouldn't mind having a partner that is more submissive but I'm totally ok with the way it is now.
     
  14. Creativemind

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    Yeah, I don't get this. I know a lot of straight couples who are equal and don't have strict gender roles at all. Whether society views them that way or not is irrelevant to them. And it doesn't disappear in lesbian relationships. Heteronormativity and gender role expectations can exist in same sex couples too, and hetero society also forces gender roles on lesbians....we get asked all the time "who is the man of the relationship, oh x is the man and x is the woman of the relationship" as lesbians.

    I'm a lesbian but I enjoy being feminine and submissive- just not to dudes. The thing is though, I also don't want my partner to fit the opposite gender role either. I want her to look as feminine as possible and display feminine gender expression. The whole boyish lesbian thing is a turn off for me, despite not being boyish myself...so sometimes these women may not have much luck with lesbians either (depending). People have to do roles to some extent (trash will never get done if it just sits there) but I don't want static gender roles either. I'd rather be equal. She can take out the trash now, and I'll do it tomorrow. She can buy me flowers today, and I'll do it the next time. It might sound sexist, but as a lesbian, I still want to feel like I'm dating a woman, and when there's too much stereotypical masculinity or dominance on one side, it just turns me off. Maybe I could be contributing to sexism and problems these kind of women have, but it's just an example how lesbians think and want different things.
     
    #14 Creativemind, Dec 7, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2017
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  15. Lia444

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    Yeah I wouldn’t want a female partner to be more dominant either really, I don’t mind us sort of taking it in turns over certain things but not one being more dominant all the time. I don’t want a mother / father figure. More a best friend who you are equals with if that makes sense. Not sure why I think what I do about men as my mum and sister are the decision makers in their relationships but I guess the men are physically stronger. And I do know that it’s not the case that men are always more dominant and that relationships with men can be more equal but it’s still in my head. Not sure why, another thing to add to the list of things to figure out haha