What does dysphoria feel like?

The only way i can sum it up is like this, i was eighteen, crying into my pillow wishing i wasn't born male. The feeling was.......horrible. It's kinda hard to explain but, to me, it's like feeling everything about my body is wrong. My feet, my hands, my legs, my face...just everything. But after a week it went away. I still have my down days but that day was the worst.

I don't think i'm transgender but i don't know what gender i could be.
Anyway i hope this was helpful.

 

I feel trapped at times. Like; * opens bag then uses BE TRUE SELF item. * OAK: KAT, this isn't the time to use that!

---------- Post added 22nd Apr 2014 at 07:06 PM ----------

Pokemon references ftw.

 

This is probably my favorite way to illustrate this:

 

The can of worms opened will be used to fish for trout.

 

For me, it's just feeling bothered by things. For example, I can barely tolerate wearing seatbelts, or showering, because in one way or another it draws my attention to body parts that I don't want and would much rather change. And I feel grossed out by having those body parts. And even compliments on my appearance freak me out. One guy just told me I have a smokin body, and I felt wrong about that, because it drew my attention to how extremely female I look.

I also dream about getting rid of those female body parts a lot, and those dreams bother me too. On the worst day, I woke up to the sound of people mowing the lawn, and I wanted to take the edger thingy, which I'm sure has sharp parts to it, and hack into the parts I don't like. Completely unreasonable, I know.

In terms of less physical things, wearing makeup triggers some dysphoria. I feel like I'm cross-dressing when I wear makeup, and I hate the feeling of having all that stuff on my face. I still haven't changed pronouns or anything yet though, so that doesn't bother me as much. Although some days it bothers me that no one knows and they all assume that I'm female. I don't like lying, and so feeling like I'm lying all the time bothers me.

I hope you feel better about everything soon. (*hug*)

 

That is oddly accurate.

 

What can I say? The signature says it all. And I'm in advanced math. * smirks *

 

For me this is what happens. I look into the mirror and see two somethings that should not be there. I try to visualize my torso without those little shits and think how awesome it would be if they weren't there. People tell me to dress in girls' clothes and I feel like I'm in drag. I see hot dudes and I think about how I will never be like them. When nature hits there is nothing I can do but watch my life spiral out of control.

 

This, once I'd finally opened up to my self, and got through my bipolar view of binary gender, is precisely how I feel. Being bio male, I an constantly reminded by others that I'm "a guy" because I "look like" one or "sound like" one. But, really, what does a guy look like? There is a cisgender woman egger I work who has a more receding hairline than I, and more arm hair too! She has lots of face stubble. Bit she has a feminine voice. So, what does a guy look like?

I, too, wish I'd had smaller hands and feet. I wish I didn't have this testosterone-ravaged body. But, as long as I can have my partner's love and support, and can like who I am, as I am inside, I'm not listing any sleep over my body, or my life at large. Hope you get it all situated, Kasey! (*hug*)

 

I hate to jump in these without reading the thread but I wanted to say something while it was fresh in my mind. Plus I think things like this need to come from the heart instead of reading what other people have to say anyway.

It has been a long time since I've felt it really bad. But probably the worst I can remember it being, I was in the Navy still. It was a scary experience, because a lot of the time I was "tucked" when I was sleeping in my rack. It was a habit of mine; I couldn't sleep without doing it. This was back before even DADT was repealed, and we had basically zero privacy. But it was all I could really do. I couldn't even explain why I did it. I hated that I cross-dressed back at home. I hated that I would sometimes go to bed imagining I was in the female berthing, hated how good that made me feel even though it got me to sleep right away. I was... a little more homophobic myself back then, although I wouldn't have called it that at the time, and was terrified one of my closeted shipmates would catch me and not understand. I hated all the things that I did, but I did them. I also hated all the times I would order straight whiskey or beer in port when it wasn't what I wanted, and the ways I would rough house with my shipmates, and just the entire male facade I kept up. It was like this for months. Everything was fake.

I think that's the best word to describe it. Fake. Like you're living inside a mannequin. This thing does what it's supposed to when people are looking, and gives your soul just enough to survive when no one is looking, and makes you feel ashamed, all the time. And you're trapped, you can't do anything about it. Any time you speak up, you stop. Any time you be you, you stop. It wasn't just my body being wrong. It was everything.

Anyway, we pulled into port. And I spent the last of my money on a hotel room. Just me. I had privacy. I could be me. No getting kicked out, no shit from my shipmates. Me. It overwhelmed me. I cried. I had torn the liner out of one of the pairs of gym shorts I had, and when I was tucked they looked and felt like woman's underwear. I used the crappy one-blade razor they gave me for free at the front desk and shaved everything. I didn't even care about what people would say when I went back. Part of me needed to say, screw privacy. I opened up the curtains and went out onto the balcony, t-shirt and undies. I cried more and more. I wasn't even interested in seeing myself in the mirror. That did not matter. It was enough just to be me.

What I felt, right then, was wonderful and terrible at the same time. What I felt when I first dressed as myself in front of my ex, was only a tiny fraction of what I felt right then.

What was missing that moment, that came back with a vengeance the very next morning, as I put on my uniform. That was dysphoria.

 

I do not experience body dysphoria in its intensity. But social dysphoria, yes. It's indescribable. I feel like I'm living a lie. Like what people refer to me as just doesn't fit. I don't know what I really want, and sometimes I wish people would care about gender a lot less than they do now.

Hope everything turns out well. (&&&)

 

Fucking this!

 

Jess: I can identify with that. The one thing that makes my BDUs uncomfortable (I'm on a disaster response team) is the guys underwear I wear because I don't want my teammates finding out. I actually wear a size or two smaller than I should so they aren't as uncomfortable. Things moving really bothers me...

 

Awwww this thread makes me sad!

I can relate to what so many of you are saying but still can't explain my dysphoria to my family. Whenever I do try I feel like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I feel so selfish when they tell me I should be thankful I have a fully functioning body that's in good health. How wrong they are

I think everyone has pretty much covered how dysphoria feels for me. I just have one thing to add. Sometimes I can be sitting eating dinner with my family or watching TV and I get these mental images and obsessive thoughts about particular parts of my body. I am more upset by the parts I do have than what I don't have at the moment.

 

It feels depressing, frustrating, and in my case afraid.

I also see attractive women and instead of checking them out will become so envious of them.



I feel "mostly female" a majority of the time and mostly androgynous the rest.
I look in the mirror and see a thin bony man, when I want so badly to be a girl on the outside and not just on the inside.
I am mostly unhappy with my body, my clothes are not as important to me.

 

I can relate here too. I see beautiful women and the lesbian in me is infatuated. But then, I get extremely envious of them. More often than not I see women and want the traits/physical attributes they have. But as I've said before, I'll just make due with what I've got.