What does dysphoria feel like?

No! Put down your drink!

 

Don't worry, it happens. Somedays I can read up about this stuff and be fine. Somedays not.

 

Yeah, I get random days of it all crashing down, then days of not giving a toss. :/

 

Social dysphoria: I actually don't get too much of this. Most of my dysphoria is physical.
Occasionally, someone will refer to me as a girl, which will mildly annoy me and make me think of transitioning. That's basically it.
Physical dysphoria: Boy howdy. If I do not bind, then I'm hyper aware of anything near my chest. It is unpleasant and if it goes on too long, I become agitated. I can't really express how severe it is, because I haven't reached the "depressed and horrible stage", but I'm at the "get it off get it off this sucks on ice" stage.Usually, I have a hard time looking at my genitals. I usually forget about them until I get a nasty surprise in my briefs (not necessarily blood).

 

Believe me, I had those days. Not of drinking, but of basically going "Fuck it aaallll! Fuck it aaalll! Don't give a shit anymooooore!"

.. sorry.

Anyway, yeah. My "drinking" is sleeping. Healthier, I suppose, but basically does the same thing: It's escapism at its finest.

For me, "dysphoria" was where I didn't ask who I was, but what I was. It was so frustrating, knowing that everyone else around me was comfortable with what they were, and they knew what they were, and meanwhile, I couldn't figure out something I should have known back in Kindergarten when they were teaching this kind of stuff. At the same time, people kept telling me I was "masculine", a "man" and "dominant" when I'm clearly none of those by any stretch of the imagination, especially by the definitions of those same people.

 

Here's a highly personalised ftm edition of body dysphoria. My worst nightmare. Living in a body horror movie. I can't explain in words how incredibly freaky this experience is. Extreme persistent discomfort. The only way to cope is to get on with life and try to ignore my feelings. This body isn't mine. I've never felt a connection to it. I can sometimes fool myself into believing I'm not feeling dysphoric. I try my best to be a 'good person', despite the beast that tells me to do otherwise. People who give in to the beast... they're the cowards. I can't turn my back on humanity after I saw how kind some people are. In my late teens I had a messed up view of the world; apathy.

At the worst... I didn't take care of the body. When I got an injury, I ignored it. Sometimes I still say things such as 'serves the body right' and 'I'm at war with this body'. I often wished I'd have horrible things happen to me as an excuse for medical intervention. I wondered... WHY ME? When I read about trans... it shocked me to the core. I didn't want to accept it. I went into a deep denial for around 2 years. Introspection is a scary place. I rather focus on the world outside.

Social dysphoria? Yes, that happens sometimes... makes me feel angry and hurt for a while. It's nothing in comparison to the epic battle I wage with the body. Coming out was tough enough for me at 17. Later on... more to consider.

I haven't cried about it for 4 months and it's gonna stay that way. It's a touchy topic. We gotta confront it though. That's what I kept telling myself as I cried more than I ever thought possible at the GP, psychotherapist, psychiatrist, many professionals. I am thinking... courage wolf and 'pain is temporary, glory is forever'!

 

I'm going to try to put it into an analogy. It's like... Having a giant scratch on your favourite video game. Whenever you put it in your GameCube, it plays, but will then skip and bug up fairly often so you remember it's scratched. You can't just CLEAN the scratch with a cloth, it won't come off. You could go to a professional to remove it, but it still won't be the same as if it were never scratched. Plus, this "professional" is super expensive. Thus, you feel like you'll never be as happy as you used to be while playing this game. It will never be the same, and you'll never really be content. It fucking sucks.

 

For me, dysphoria feels like being trapped within the confines of a prison cell, not knowing how to escape.. I feel trapped, anxious, and disgusted. As if this body of mine literally is nothing but a nuisance, a figurative cell I wish to escape from. I become only more aware of this 'shell' of mine, and how desperately I want to disconnect from it. And knowing I'll be serving this prison sentence for the rest of my life.. quite frankly, makes me wish at times I weren't even here at all.

 

(*hug*)

For me, it's like this feeling of disconnect. Parts are there that shouldn't be. Parts that should be aren't. When I'm getting dressed, I feel like an amputee. you know, with a missing 3rd leg, lol.

It's gotten easier to manage now that I'm passing and coming out of the closet but still have loads of moments. I had a small one this afternoon while I was moving out of my mother's- wasn't wearing a binder so I had these lumps on my chest flapping around. Felt so wrong and weird.

 

I've got it pretty bad, and always have, just didn't know that's what it was, I guess. Sometimes just thinking about certain things is enough to really disturb me. That's a good word... I find myself disturbing. Like I'm a monster I'm uncomfortable to be around, but of course cannot escape.

This is so me.

 

It varies: on a good day, I can be anywhere from oblivious to feeling slightly frustrated and unsatisfied. Perceiving myself as being out of place among everyone else is a constant, and constantly putting up an act gets tiring fast. I'm a lot more at ease and happier when I'm able to *be* and not live up to expectations, which, unfortunately, is usually on more anonymous online socials.

When others judge you by your exterior, in this case, biological sex, it only adds to those frustrations and feelings of helplessness. The worst is when you're forced to "choose a side", but since I'm not binary, I'll usually go with the guys, if only out of convenience and familiarity. I'm fine with describing myself as male, biologically, but don't group me in with others of the same sex, because we're not the same.

Physically, it's not too bad. I'm on the smaller side, have thin hair that grows fast, smooth skin, androgynous facial features, etc. There are times my "junk" is what I feel "in the way" and becomes a nuisance, but since shape shifting powers don't exist, there's not much that can be done there. Sometimes I'll want to wear clothing that's fit for a female's body, and that's also crap, because either something is missing, or something doesn't belong. At the same time, I'm not willing to make that jump, since there are positive attributes to my makeup that I do enjoy from time-to-time.

It has probably come up during sexual or romantic encounters, since I'm held to certain standards, and the assumption is that I'll be performing in a certain role at least some of the time. Again, it feels totally foreign for me, and I've gotten a ton of criticism and questioning just for expressing my opinions. I also don't like the assumption that it makes me "lazier", considering how much more there is to the act.

 

Yeah, same here. Didn't work out (about six months before I realized I was trans, though, I was on a weightloss regimen and probably lost about 50 pounds. Gained most of it back), and pain/injury was a non-issue.

I'm a former self-harmer too. Been working on moving past it but at my worst, I'd be burning myself and it felt like I was getting revenge on my body. Felt good in kinda this weird, sickly way.

For me, helps if I can move towards fixing and improving what I'm stuck with. So being able to pass made a huge difference and hoping by the end of the week, I'll be signed up with the local gym and can start working out again.

 

This is my first step. I am and will appear very obviously female for a while but that doesn't mean I can't prepare. Besides, the idea of working out to be a better looking dude is so much more appealing to me.

Good luck with the gym!