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What does dysphoria feel like?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kasey, Apr 22, 2014.

  1. Kasey

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    What does dysphoria feel like?

    Because like an android who just felt feelings for the first time (Star Trek nerd reference), I have nothing to go on.

    I don't want to describe my feelings just yet because I'd rather hear from my brothers and sisters first...

    Kind of feeling crappy right now.
     
  2. Techno Kid

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    *brothers, sisters, and others* Sorry had to fix that...

    Social dysphoria: Just reminders (like pronouns) from the world that I am a bio male.
    Body dysphoria: Don't get much of this, but when I hear my voice, look at my hands/feet, it makes me wish I had a more femme voice or smaller hands/feet.
     
  3. Calix

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    For me it's just a gut wrenching awareness that something is there when it shouldn't. And worser still, something that should be there isn't. I find i get more wound up about what I lack than my chest to be honest. But dyphoria varies from person to person.

    I didn't really experience body dsyphoria until I started presenting male - which is when I realised once and for all I was trans. Before that I just had the ongoing feeling in that something wasn't right. I'd look in the mirror and feel no association with my reflection. I just 'nothing-ed' my body, if that makes sense.

    My dad would tell me to wear more make-up and dresses one day, so I would the next. I would mentally tell myself I was pretty, I should be confident. But I'd feel the complete opposite. I could only feel comfortable hiding in baggy clothes. I liked being thought of as a tomboy, but it didn't happen much since I still had some feminine traits.

    Dysphoria for me is more complicated I think. I experienced sexual abuse when I was eleven and I know that impacted how I saw myself and it meant when i wore make-up/dresses I just felt horribly exposed. It wasn't until I was able to dissolve my leftover feelings about the experience that I was able to recogonise I was trans.

    I had stretching depression since I was 15 and assumed it was all linked back to the one memory, but now when I look back and compare stories, it seems more obvious to me. I hated changing in front of others in the girls changing rooms and would hide in a toilet stall to do it. I also had this constant ongoing belief that I was a 'gay guy' and not a 'straight girl'.

    Sorry this was jumble rant, but I hope it helps some.
     
  4. clockworkfox

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    I think it feels different for everyone. But as an android with limited understanding of feelings myself, it's defined as follows:

    dys·pho·ri·a
    noun

    1. a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.
    2. a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
    3. a feeling of emotional and mental discomfort as a symptom of discontentment, restlessness, dissatisfaction, malaise, depression, anxiety or indifference.

    I'll leave the specifics for other people. As for me, I know what personally sparks the feelings, and I know that they suck, but I can't find the words to describe it myself.
     
  5. Calix

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    It feels like the definition for Dysphoria is too vague and doesn't for me sum it up at all, cause it feels much more than a 'dissatisfaction' or 'unease'. :/
     
  6. Lorn

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    "It's like I need to Mr. Potato Head my genitalia."
     
  7. Kasey

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    Well i don't want to explain my feelings just yet. Still trying to understand others feelings in relationship to mine.

    Sorry I'm being vague and somewhat selfish here.

    Please keep telling me more.
     
  8. Miiaaaaa

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    +1
     
  9. Niko

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    Ah geez these is a hard one. To me what I feel when experiencing body dysphoria, is trapped, jealousy, anxious, saddened, and disgusted all at the same time. Social Dysphoria, where people misgender me all the time it's more annoyance, anxious and saddened.

    There are these voices that go off in my head that eat away at me, saying that my body will never look like a cisguy's body (even though I know it's possible). Or Society/family/friends will never see me as a man, and I'll be stuck like this forever. Followed by the typical "why couldn't I have just been born a cismale or cisfemale...it would've been so much easier."

    I dunno it's really hard to explain, and everyone experiences it differently.
     
  10. TheUglyBarnacle

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    Social dysphoria: This wave of uneasiness when I am referred to as a girl. Most of the times it's just a moment of annoyance but, if I were already feeling crappy, it might make me wince internally. For me, it doesn't always happen.

    Body dysphoria: I would like to separate this in two categories: casual and intense.
    Casual, in my case, happens often. Almost everyday. It's when I look at my body and feel that some stuf should be different. I can get very upset over my hips, for example, because they are very wide. When I'm reminded of it in some way it ruins my mood for at least a few hours. But it could also be just the idea that something looks weird without any mood-ruining. I have those feelings about my chest. It might cause me some jealousy over cis guys' chests but I can live with it.
    Intense, for me is very rare. It's a whirlwind of negative emotions. A sense of something being wrong sprinkled with a bit of self-hate and a topping of discomfort, I guess would be a close description. I feel somewhat disconnected from the world when that happens. Usually because I try to push it away. I'm lucky in that I get that very rarely but, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure if that's dysphoria.

    Not sure if my experience of dysphoria fits other people's here but people experience it differently.
     
    #10 TheUglyBarnacle, Apr 22, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2014
  11. Kasey

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    Fine...

    This is what I personally feel.

    - I don't hate my body in general (well my hair...)
    - I am jealous of others though who are out and free
    - I want to be viewed as female. To dress and have a female appearance and mannerisms.
    - I feel like I pass incredibly well (which seems to be the consensus here, and I'm apparently cute) and that I'm "wasting my second youth" as a female the older I get.
    - I'm feeling like a fake sitting here with my family... A just general feeling of... living a lie.

    Does this make sense?
     
  12. confuzzled82

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    I've experienced general uneasiness about my chest, stubble always just feels wrong (and seeing it in the mirror can be even worse). Catching glimpses of certain body parts in the mirror can trigger a sensation of that not belonging (Sometimes to the point of being tempted to remove it. Don't worry, I know better than to do that), and there have been times when it felt like foreign objects were placed in my underpants. That last one is most often when I am out riding my bike.

    On a more social level, I sometimes get a general uneasy feeling when I see a pregnant woman because she reminds me that I never will be able to carry a child.

    Still on a social note, I get this uneasy feeling like everyone is watching me if I even think of stepping into the women's clothing section to look for something for myself.
     
    #12 confuzzled82, Apr 22, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2014
  13. Kasey

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    that is so me right now!
     
  14. Niko

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    Ah yes, feeling like you're living a lie can be apart of it as well.

    Sounds like you're experiencing it to me.
     
  15. Kasey

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    Yea I think so...

    I need a hug or something. I was outside with the family, admittedly having a good time, but it felt like... I was lying. I wanted to be sitting there as female but doing the same thing.
     
  16. Calix

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    Can I join in on the hug? This thread unintentionally triggered quite bad dysphoria for me ... :frowning2:
     
  17. Techno Kid

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    (&&&) (&&&)

    I would also like to echo that feeling of uneasiness and wrongness... just something not feeling right.
     
  18. Miiaaaaa

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    Group hug?

    (&&&)
     
  19. Niko

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    Group hug! :slight_smile:

    (&&&)(*hug*)(&&&)
     
  20. Calix

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    (&&&)(&&&)(&&&) I like this plan!

    Edit:

    At least my parents know enough to just hug me, no matter the back and forth between us over my being trans xD
     
    #20 Calix, Apr 22, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2014