Hi EC, I’m 25 and gay. I’ve known for a long time but over the past few months I’ve only just recently admitted this to myself and begun the process of dealing with a lot of the internalized shame that kept me in the closet for so long. I also recently came out to a few close friends and immediate family. I guess I’m really lucky because I was never in the position where I felt that I would be rejected by any of my loved ones for coming out to them. My main reason for staying in the closet was that I really wasn’t ready to accept who I am. A few days after I came out to myself, I got very depressed and anxious and thought some terrible, obsessive things about myself. It caught me completely off guard. Actually, the reason I ended up coming out to my mom was because she was so worried about me she started calling doctors to set up a mental health screening. But I guess the good news is that I feel like I’ve come a long way in a few short months. I actually kind of got a little excited when I double checked my EC preferences and saw my sexuality listed as gay. A lot of what I’ve been doing to combat the internalized shame was reading about other celebrities and artists I like who have come out recently, reading a lot of LGBTQ+ YA novels (I know they’re really corny but they make me feel good), and following a lot of gay couples on Instagram. And while I think there’s still a lot of internalized shame I have to deal with (I haven’t been able to get the help of a therapist by the way – I’ve had a really hard time finding one since there seems to be so much demand, so I’ve been pretty much going at it on my own), I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. Thing is, a lot of these things I’ve been doing have actually got me feeling pretty heartsick. Like I desperately want to form a relationship with a guy and get to do all of those things I feel like I missed out on doing like first kisses, relationships, loves and heartbreaks because I wouldn’t let myself be me. Honestly, sometimes I find myself hugging my pillow at night and dreaming that it’s a person because I feel so lonely. So I guess my question is… what am I supposed to do now? I am absolutely clueless when it comes to anything dating. I really don’t know any gay people personally who could give me advice and I feel like it would be awkward just walking into a gay bar and sitting there by myself. And I have no idea where to find gay groups in my town. The other thing is, I’m currently working remotely for my job temporarily, but I could end up returning back to my home office (in a VERY big city) shortly, so I’m worried that any friendships, relationship, or communities that I enter into will become a lot more complicated once I move. Any advice?
Hello, @Frontierjman! Firstly, congratulations--both on coming out and on coming so far psychologically on your own. It can't have been easy, grappling with all of this without external help, but you've done remarkably and you should be so, so proud of yourself. Secondly, the dating scene is pretty daunting nowadays, isn't it? There are so many dating apps and LGBT socials, it's hard to weed out what's helpful and what's a scam. There are a few well-known ones out there though, so if you want to start small, you can try joining them. If needs be, try looking up best gay dating apps, and you're likely to find some lists with in-depth info on each one. You said you're in a big city--any chance you have a local P-Flag chapter? It's not for dating, but engaging with a support group for LGBT folk might help you work up the comfort and then courage to embark on your dating journey. Also, don't be afraid to be honest if/when you do find someone who shares in your interest; there's no shame in not having any experience, and it's better to be honest so that you find someone willing to go at your pace than to wind up with someone who assumes experience and might expect more than you're ready/willing to give. Above all--take your time. There's no rush. You'll get there when you're ready. Be kind to yourself.
There are many ways to start. Yes you can find a gay bar sit by yourself and try and meet people. Start with the bartender tell him you just came out he may introduce you to some regular customers. Gay dating sites. Start looking and sending messages . Not everyone will be your match but it opens up communication with others. Look up the local lgbqt center . You can't find gay groups or activities in your area so how did you find EC. Yes the internet.
