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What did I do wrong?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by XRayzz, Jan 8, 2018.

  1. XRayzz

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    All I ever do is go on dates that never end up becoming anything. This is pretty consistent, so I'm beginning to think it's me. I need some serious advice because it is becoming very toxic to my mental health and well being. I recently went on this date that seemed to go very well, and he kept looking into my eyes and complimenting me, telling me he enjoyed the night several times. After that night, I was excited and I wanted to keep talking to him, and I kept texting him, so this may be where things went wrong. I get easily attached to people and kind of clingy, yet he never indicated he wasn't interested, and would always respond back. He mentioned wanting to free up some time as well. I was the initiator every single time, and I told him even, if he wasn't interested he needed to tell me. The final straw was when I told him how I was feeling, that I couldn't understand why he was acting so different than from the date. And before he said I never unintentionally ignore your texts. Now after I expressed myself more thoroughly, he refuses to as of yet, to respond back. I should mention, he tried to have unprotected sex with me at the end of the date, and I didn't allow it, so was he playing me just for sex? I'm just so confused and hurting very much from this, and it seems like I'm being punished like usual in the dating world.
     
    #1 XRayzz, Jan 8, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2018
  2. Barbatus

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    Hi xRayzz,

    First, it's not you. Dating and taking it to a relationship level require both people to put in time and effort. It by definition will not be just you.

    From what you say it sounds like you both had different expectations. What was the time scale for this? If it all happened over a few weeks or even a couple of months, he may not have been ready to commit or maybe he did find that it was a bit much (sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not accusing or blaming you but that may be a possibility and it needs to be considered).

    You said that you become 'clingy' and easily attached - do you think that happened in this case? And if you think that was a factor then do you want to try and change that or are you thinking that you need to find someone who responds in the same way? What do you think might motivate your behaviour when you meet someone?

    As I said, I'm not trying to blame you and it does take two people (so regardless of your behaviour or any impact that may have had) it may not have worked out from his side either. However, it is important (and based on your post it is something that concerns you) to consider your behaviour. Also you can change your behaviour but you can't change other people so its a good place to start. You may decide that actually, your behaviour most honestly represents you to other people in which case you shouldn't change it. If you do not want to talk about that is totally fine, only discuss it if you are comfortable doing so.

    I would also point out that, like most of life, most dates end without forming a relationship - it is far more likely (as a matter of statistics) that most dates you go on will end like this. It is not reflection on you - it's just how goes.

    Hope that helps and wishing you well.
     
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  3. XRayzz

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    The time scale wasn't much at all, we chatted online, talked on the phone, and meet up a week later where I went on one date. He said was open to a relationship, and wanted to see if we clicked, and I most certainly thought we had. I understand that most dates don't go anywhere, but this one was totally misleading, and I'm frustrated and very hurt that he blocked me and won't reply to me anymore, because other than being clingy, I don't understand what happened. And I do want to change my behavior and not be so clingy.
     
    #3 XRayzz, Jan 9, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2018 at 2:47 AM
  4. Barbatus

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    Thanks for clarifying. It seems to be quite common for people to just block someone when they want to end something rather speak to them and offer them an explanation - even if that explanation is unsatisfying.

    It seems, and I may be wrong on this, that the cause of both might be the same. So while it is frustrating to have some stop replying to you, if you've invested a lot emotionally in them already it will be more upsetting than if you haven't. That might also explain why you like to maintain a high degree of contact and why you initiate things. If you've invested a lot in a person, and quite quickly by the sounds of it, then it will make any sense of loss hurt more. Do you think that is applicable to you? Or is that way of off target?

    If you think it does, then the question is why do you think you attach to people so quickly?
     
  5. Jax12

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    I’m starting to think that for me, I feel as if I attach to people quite easily too, and it could be due to the lack of connection I had with people (or parents) back when I was younger.

    Therefore, when I talk to a person who I click with or just “gets me”, I hold onto that because of the rarity of the connection.

    @OP, does this ring any bells?
     
    #5 Jax12, Jan 9, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2018
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  6. Barbatus

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    Hi Jax12,

    I think that is fairly common thing. I think we all find it difficult when we think we can have a life with someone which can be hard for us to find. Dating for example, is difficult - most guys I meet are straight and that's not even getting into the difficulty of asking people out anyway.

    It's also a feature of the human condition to seek closeness with people (this might explain the tendency to fall for best friends) and when you think you find that it can be a case of going all out for it.

    I hope that does not come across as a caricature - I'm not sure I've explained it very well. But the gist is, we want that closeness and when we think we have it can become very difficult to maintain perspective or distance.
     
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  7. XRayzz

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    Heyy, thanks all for your responses. I think I did have a lack of attention when I was younger, and certainly all throughout high school I never went on one single date. I never knew what attention was like, and when I had experienced it finally, I strived to hang onto it with every inch I could.
     
  8. Barbatus

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    Yeah, that's totally understandable. I think we all do that one way or another.

    Do you think you would aim to be more relaxed about or would you prefer to be clearer with people when these feeling develop? The first option would focus on trying to change your outlook/attitude toward to yourself while the second would most likely focus on changing how you interact.

    These are just the two main ones I could think of. Others may have better ideas.
     
  9. Sawyer

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    As someone who has been in your situation, I can understand how frustrating it is to be lead on. After the maybe 9th date I went on, where previous conversations expressed they wanted more and didn't--I decided to stop going on dates. I still met new people, but I would treat it as a potential new friend rather than a future romantic partner, even though I wanted a relationship. This way if it was a one and done, I wouldn't be so crushed. I'd also wait for them to make the move in wanting more than friends, be within I'd know they'd be on the same page. Thinking like that helped me not get so attached, and took some of the pressure of dating off.

    This might not work for everyone, but I had success with it.
     
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  10. XRayzz

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    That's a good idea actually. I'm going to try and not invest my emotions so intensely, albeit, it won't be easy for me. Also another problem is the aftermath of getting my heart crushed, leads to anxiety and extreme saddness, and eventually as time progresses, I get terribly lonely and depressed all the time. During those times I do not go on any dates for months, and finally when I muster up the courage to try again and find someone I really like, the vicious cycle begins again.
     
    #10 XRayzz, Jan 11, 2018 at 12:29 AM
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018 at 12:32 AM
  11. Jax12

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    That’s actually what happened to me recently, so I know exactly how you feel. Have you thought about talking to a psychologist about it? If it is a cycle, I think it’ll be worth talking to a professional about it to see why that is the case.
     
  12. Barbatus

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    That's a good aim to have. It's a question of how to get there. As Jax12 suggests a psychologist might be a good place to start. A lot will come with confidence (which is a challenge to say the least given our social environment). It's also an experience thing, we can easily see each failed date as 'proof' that we will be alone - even when we know it is a bit of a numbers game - and the more attached we become the more extreme the fallout.

    I'm not trying to be a pessimist but it will take time and it might be useful to think about strategies for cultivating a more relaxed emotional response to dating. I think the ways we achieve this can be quite different for each person but happy to talk over any ideas you have if you think that would be helpful.
     
  13. Sawyer

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    Loneliness is definitely a factor that can make one get attached too quickly. What you are saying was exactly how I would react every time I found a girl I clicked with, and when things fell apart, I'd be such a mess.

    My problem was I confused attention for love. Once I realized that, it became so much easier to pull myself out of the cycle.
     
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  14. Barbatus

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    'My problem was I confused attention for love.'

    Well put Sawyer, we tend to read what we want into the world. Hope this helps put some perspective no things and help you realise that we all have tendency grasp onto what want.
     
    #14 Barbatus, Jan 11, 2018 at 5:34 PM
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  15. XRayzz

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    That could help! I can't help but feel like I'm never good enough for anyone, never desirabe enough, etc
     
  16. Barbatus

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    Hi XRayzz,

    I get that. I think we all do. You could look at doing something to build your confidence. I don't know the specifics of your situations (and you don't need to set them out) but may be doing some volunteer work with an LGBTQ charity or any other charity (like an animal shelter, soup kitchen etc) or organisation (like sports or a hobby) would help. Basically, do something that you feel is rewarding in itself and which means you get to meet people socially.

    What do you think?
     
  17. XRayzz

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    I do have hobbies and interests. I try to distract myself with them, but just like some people feel they will die early, I feel like I will always be alone, and that makes it hard to get up in the morning. My troubles have been too consistent, it must be mostly me to blame. All I ever do is date, and the dates only ever last 1-3 dates.
     
    #17 XRayzz, Jan 13, 2018 at 11:36 PM
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018 at 11:39 PM
  18. Barbatus

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    So that's great that you have hobbies and interests but you should try and see them as more than just distractions. Do you mind saying if the are LGBTQ related or not? Just thinking that you are most likely to meet someone through your social network than online (perhaps).

    I'm not going to pretend that it is inevitable that you will find someone although you likely will (mind you I don't believe in destiny). You may find that as you take a more 'go with the flow' kind of attitude dating will become more longer term (because there will be less pressure) and you will have a more pragmatic view (i.e. that didn't work but c'est la vie). Unfortunately, this is one of those things that you won't know until it happens.

    This may come across a trite but the more comfortable and confident you become the easier the experience of dating will be because you will not have your sense of self knocked by dates that don't work out.
     
  19. BosiMalkia

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    Based off of what you said, I do feel like you did become a little to clingy within a week. That is definitey off putting to someone who knows how to be by themselves. Im glad you know why you might be so clingy. I would say if you know your clingy and do not mind, find someone that always wants someone checking in on them and always wanting them to be around. There are people that love clingy people. Just a outsider looking in, I would say you need to take time off to see what makes YOU happy and try to see if you can make yourself happy for a month without anyone. If you cannot make your self happy, how do you expect to make someone else happy. You cannot treat someone else better than you treat yourself, you cannot know someone better than you know yourself.
     
  20. BosiMalkia

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    You did nothing wrong, you just applied it to the wrong type of person. If your clingy its better to be with someone who always needs validation, hasn't always been put first, always has to be around people, Hates being alone. If you hate being clingy the next time you meet someone new, relax, let yourself know that you will only message them a certain amount of times, leave it up to them to initiate conversation.