What are you thinking?

This year, I'm going to reevaluate what and who I consider a friend. 2010s saw a lot of people I considered a friend having kids or going off to college, which is a good reason not to get in touch as much, but there were also people who just poofed because I wasn't as fun to be around as people who drink or smoke, or who share every little like and dislike. And because I'm a natural observer, I've seen those replacement friendships burn out quickly. Even those previous friends of mine that had the baby or school commitments, when they got new friends it always seemed shallow and inevitably, after a few years, they too were set aside, just like I was.

I learned something. I didn't really consider them friends. I was friendly, but our relationships were built on shaky foundations. It was always a shared experience, or mutual things in common, or being similar. But those things change. I used to like reality shows, I don't any more. I evolved as a person, and they either didn't, or their own evolution took them farther from me. We were, for lack of a better word, Facebook Friends. We had maybe one point of reference and the rest was exchanging unwanted minutia with no real reason, because we both wanted friends, and were placeholders for one another.

I also learned I have one great friend. He lives in another country, is happy at a job I couldn't stand, we snark at one another constantly and regularly get into massive fights. But he's always there when I need a hand and vice versa. We provide alternative viewpoints for the other. We listen, we can have six hour long talks about things we don't even care about, or things we do. I can go a week without hearing from him and i know he's probably busy, and will get back to me with a story of something that happened at work on his own time. I can get in a funk and not want to talk for a week and it's fine with him. We've got each other, not despite our differences but because were real friends, and those differences don't matter.

I need friends like that. Not Facebook Friends. Not friends that are like a business contract with an opt out clause. This year I'm going to do better on the friendship thing. Aim for real, and not settle for filler. Those friends I have who start to phase me out, I'll let them go. I won't worry about it. They might have been a friendly acquaintance, but they weren't friends, and that's fine.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Happy new year everybody! Hopefully this year will continue the positivity that the end of 2019 gave me.

 

Why is common sense and empathy so fucking hard for some people?

 

A random person I don't know mailed me a large box of....coca-cola. About 48 bottles. Correctly addressed to me, with no note. I am deeply confused, yet happy.

 

This day is going by too fast.

 

Sweet! Is it all two-liter bottles or smaller ones?

 

Smaller ones, all the same flavor. Coca-cola classic with a polar bear on the wrapping. I guess the coke fairy likes me haha

 

I'm just thinking over and over and wondering if I'm a dramatic mess or if this really was as bad as I took it to be.

Spoiler: My rant about what happened

For context, it's my birthday right now (woo-woo!). Also, earlier this winter break, my dad stayed overnight in the hospital for observation being lightheaded, dizzy, and tired all the time. They ruled out anything cardiac and sent him home, and my family is waiting to hear if it's pulmonary or something else. At 12:30 am tonight, with no prompting whatsoever after my sister and mom said "happy birthday" once we realized it was past midnight, my mom sat down and told me that I have to wait on adopting a cat when I move out of my apartment (something I'm really excited and have been talking about), because if it turns out my dad has a pulmonary issue and "no time left" (idk what that means but I hate all the possible meanings), then I'll have to be the one who takes our two cats. When I was visibly upset, she immediately responded with "Not what you wanted to hear? Well then we'll just have to look for other homes for them." That didn't help. There's already a lot of stress with how much she puts on me, and for her to just rub it in on my birthday was super horrible. I told her to just leave, breaking down a little because yeah, of course I'm scared!! It's my dad!! She started being all sweet and trying to be encouraging about how we'll all get through this, then immediately turned around and went "This wasn't meant to be dramatic, you're making it bigger than it has to be." I'm just so tired of her doing and saying nasty things and then turning it around to be my fault for being upset. I really just wanted one day without being reminded that I am responsible for literally everything, my sister will never have to lift a finger, and as soon as my mom gets mildly overwhelmed I have to save everyone. I'm not furious over having to take the cats if things go South, I'm mad at her being so willing to suggest tossing them aside when I didn't immediately reply all chipper, and for her to bring it up and rub it in oN MY BIRTHDAY.

 

Nice!

 

The Sunday anxiety just kicked in, I’m crying and right now I don’t care if you think that is for weak people. The day was going fine so far until this moment

 

First day back to school. It was so boring.

 

*Asks for today off literally 4 weeks ago*

Manager: Actually any chance you could work tonight?

I'm so tired of how disorganized this place is.

 

Just got a call today from my home school district (that I've really wanted to teach at and was sad when I didn't get the position I interviewed for last summer) offering me a long term sub job until the end of the school in the high school! I'm really excited because I've felt like my lack of high school experience (all of mine has been in middle school) has been a blockade in interviews. The only complicated part is that the day this position starts is before my current long term position ends (a week and a half before).

So now I have to figure out if I can be released from my contract early (which was part of my agreement for taking the position...just in case something came up) or if my home district can wait for me to start until after my current one ends (which they're checking on and I'm hoping for). I love my current students a lot and was planning on coming back as a day-to-day sub for them but there's no chance I'm turning down my first offer of working in a high school (and in my subject area!).

 

I’m very emotional today. That is all.

 

Can't sleep and feeling insanely lonely tonight. Adulting is hard. Lol

 

Looks like I'm not going to have much time this week. At least I'll have enough money to get myself a new tablet since my other one died on me.