What are you thinking?

My tattoo is almost totally healed now. I can sleep on my left arm again, so that is nice.

 

I saw a double rainbow! But it's gone.

 

Wanting to scream into the void about how badly I want top surgery. It's not going to happen, but I'd love to have it done and out of the way by next year. I already told myself I should have had my name change done last year, but I didn't.

I'm so close to saying fuck it and start a gofundmepage or something so I can get something raised and put away. It's more of an excuse for me to work on my perler and pyrography stuff to give as gifts. That, and try to sell bleach tie-dye shirts and what not for bigger gifts. I mean, it's a fair trade right? Or is this just making things more complicated for myself?

It's so unrealistic, but I just want...something. I want to be able to order a glass of wine while I'm out and not have to worry about weird looks when I get carded. I want to be able to feel the rain hit my bare chest if I go out on a run. I want to be able to feel closer to my partner when he sleeps on my chest. I want to get a job at my local tattoo shop without letting the stain of my birth name hold me back. I don't even give a shit about getting a hysto anymore, I just want this so badly. I think hating yourself for 22 years is long enough for something really good to happen.

This is ass. The only positive thing that might come from this is that I heard a rumor that the surgeon I want to work with might be relocating to the New York area, so that might mean less time I'll have to spend on the road to go see him and I might actually be able to stay in a hotel without having a panic attack.

 

:eusa_danc:eusa_danc:eusa_danc booyah

 

I wonder how many times my mother is going to wind up in the fucking hospital for a problem that these useless neurologists can't figure out? You bastards train for how many years to do this job? And now this is the third time in a week and a half she's ended up in the ER because you stupid sons of bitches can't figure out what's going on with her!

How many times!? How many times does she have to be driven 20 miles to the ER with fucking insane headaches and seizures before you motherfuckers do your damn jobs? What are you even getting paid for!?

I'm tired of this shit! She's fine and then she's not; she's fine and then she's having a fucking seizure, all in the last eleven days! You've figured out what it's not, so what the hell is it!? How is it taking a supposedly experienced team of people almost two weeks and you still have no idea what's going on!?

I'm about to blow up. I'm about to fucking blow up. Heads are going to roll.

 

I am a year old in EC yesterday! Wow, it's been a while! I first came here because I was near suicidal because I was losing hope because of the stress from family's homophobia and that dude that used me as his cyber sex toy. WOW. I did survived that!

And not just survived it, I thrived and learned so many things! I become more open minded about. Before, you cant talk to be when the topic is about sex, sexual orientation, and religion. And NEVER in my wildest dreams that I would come out to my friends as early as 2015!!! I never really planned of coming out to numerous of people until I joined EC. And it really feels GOOD!

I also met A LOT of people that I've become close with. I talked to them daily. They even helped me survived the year. They've been my source of comfort, laughter, and wise advices. I tried writing their names, but heck they are many :lol: You know who you are, and I THANK YOU with all of my heart.

This year will full of milestones for me (graduation, job, etc), and I hope that I would survive all of it... Of course, with EC's help... with your help...

 

Also... Why would someone be on this site to out you?


On an unrelated note, I just poked myself in the eye taking my make up off. That hurt...

 

I really would like a pair of leggings to wear. Wanna show off my "assets" in front of the guys.

 

My card didn't work at a fast food place. Thank goodness I had cash. Not sure if it stopped working because I haven't switched to the new chip card. I have money in the account so it wasn't NSF (even checked my balance on my phone).

 

AWWWWW!!! I LOVE THAT CLIP!!! I think that's really old, the first time I heard it was when I was still in high school!

 

It's super old. I heard it my freshman year in high school.

PPP Is the best, though!

 

I am thinking about a few things.

I am thinking about Summer Glau...as usual. :icon_redf

I am also thinking that I feel bad for people that have to only eat rice all the time. Is that like a real thing in a lot of other countries? Eating nothing but rice, I mean... I feel like when I see that kind of thing on TV, they sometimes make it seem like half the world is starving. I hope that is not really the case. (Obviously I realize that a lot of people are in poverty and hungry, I am wondering to myself if world hunger is a exaggerated or downplayed in the media) I need to read about this.

Finally, I am thinking about marshmallows. They are my favorite food and I want a snack.

 

Just got out of this gypsy wedding.Had a lot of fun honestly. Drank. Ate. Drank again. Went to ihop.

I Pretended I'm straight all fucking night. I got to make something up to get this "relationship" from happening. At the same time...I kind of want this girl to be attracted to me. I'm so fucked up in the head.

Tomorrow is day two of the parties and I have to be up at 11 for the breakfast.

 

My crush had started hugging me again 70% of the times we part ways. So that's good.
Ran into him like 5 times today, got a couple hugs. Life smiles as long as you ignore it's frowns :lol: The downside was that my other friend was SUPER annoying today

 

It's caucus day in Iowa!

 

The Homomonument in Amsterdam enters my mind, which I visited about a year ago. I wasn't out to my family at the time, but I insisted on dragging my grandma there a second time, after the time when we first stumbled upon it. For no particular reason at all. Very subtle of me.
Anyhow, in one of the triangles, there's a writing in Dutch. It's a line from a poem by a gay man if I recall it correctly, which translates into:

Such an endless desire for friendship.

And I'm thinking; it really hits the nail on the head, doesn't it?

 

Just to clarify, you're getting married?