What Are You Thinking?

Did I literally black out?

Where has the time gone. I still have to study tonight....

 

Welp, I officially feel like the dumbest person on the planet. Someone wake me up when 2013 ends. I'm not much for hate, but honestly I feel like I extremely dislike this year. I'm actually worried I will suffer some sort of mental collapse within the next few months and I'm sure that's a bad thing.

Or my worries are completely unfounded. I really hope they are.

/Rantrantrant. Teenage life. rantrant.

 

I want to eat a whole pack of Tim tams
Depressing day

 

Wow, who's the jerk beeping their horn at 1am wtf. I'm quite sure this is sleepy time for a bunch of people.

 

I feel terrible

 

There was this girl over at the house. Doe-eyed, quiet. Pretty though not conventionally. Little on the chubby side. Submissive, mousy. Just kind of hung around the house like a ghost. She was in mirrors. Windows. Brief glances at darkened screens.

That girl was who I'm supposed to be, according to family and the wider world. She's everything I was born into, everything I wedged myself into. She's choir sessions, sitting in the back with a voice on loan; she's push-up bras and blouses worn to catch eyes and cover a false body.

She's a mask and she's everything I never want to be again.

I want to be me. Consider me crazy but I'll fight to be him. Even if that fight's subtle, waged with cut hair and flannel; gauze and binders.

 

Ooo new thread.


I want to volunteer for the nightline service at uni. They need more LGBT members. But I do full time nursing. But when I'm not nursing, I have spare time. Do I do it? Argh.

 

Grrrr - trying to make appointments to see get some sort of therapy to try and deal with years of self-esteem issues following school bullying - the doctor refers me to a group therapy service that operate from 1pm - 3pm, so try the private therapy route and they all work 9-5 as well. Since I work 9-5 hours it's absolutely impossible to make any appointments. It's like nobody expects someone who might benefit from therapy to also be stable enough to hold down a job which they need to attend!

 

I've been out to the family for over two years, yet have only just now watched a total of two LGBT movies on the household Netflix account.

And I'd love to be a film reviewer. Each time I go for a new movie, I approach it with a side-eye, and I was basically writing a review article of Morgan as it unfolded on my screen.

Why am I still up? It was supposed to be an early night for me. Although lately that means anything before 4 AM...

I want need to get my old laptop I brought out when I cleaned my room this weekend up and running again. My creativity, my sanity, and my relationship with EC depends on it. Plus with the power issues caused by Dirtbag's medical equipment, my desktop hasn't been turned on in over a year... But even when I did use it the whole family always wanted to know what I was doing anyway. :dry:

It's time to re-read The Hunger Games. I'm so excited for Catching Fire next month!!

And this new movie About Time, supposed plot holes and all (even though time-travel movies usually mean plot holes galore... It kind of comes with the genre.) Despite mixed reviews I still get moist eyes with each viewing of the trailer.

[YOUTUBE]T7A810duHvw[/YOUTUBE]

 

My dad keeps making a point to tell me he's proud of me, that I've turned out to be the best kid. That despite all our arguments in the past, he really thinks very highly of me, and sees a lot of potential in me. That I can do fantastic things. And something about all this fatherly positivity makes me almost...sad?

Whenever he tries to do the bonding thing, something fucks up our relationship. I feel compelled to stay in the closet now. In case that would, you know, fuck up our father/son-daughter bond or whatever.

 

I made a Danish joke, and my brother got angry at me for being a hypocrite about racism. He doesn't get that making a joke about Denmark is nowhere near the same as making jokes about individuals within or an entire racial minority. This being my brother who also says the word "nigger" with no problem. So apparently you're allowed to be racist to non-whites, but white people need protection.

And he thinks I'm the one who lives in a stupid and unrealistic world (his own words). :dry:

 

Trying to write a letter of resignation....

 

I drank almost all of that bottle of wine I had bought last night in just a few hours. I have extremely low alcohol tolerance, so I know I was saying some REALLY stupid things last night... I'm not doing that again. Ever.

 

I really hope my job trial goes well tonight!

 

I'm now a bank nurse I've got a job, and the hours work as and when you need them. Can't wait to start doing shifts!

 

Damn i wanna do it too curse you staff.... Curse you.

 

I feel calm, relaxed and in control. I relish this state of mind.

 

I just had the best sleep I've had in weeks. And it was in the afternoon :/

 

Applying for jobs. School had a career event so a number of companies came with representatives and applications. I may actually have a job. Northface (outdoors, sporting good) seemed to be among the most promising.

Getting misgendered but not as badly as the last couple days. Noticed a girl was trying to figure out what I was :lol:. Got the chest and crotch scan. Only barrier to applying for anything is...the lack of phone and laptop. Surprise, surprise. :dry: But I may finally get both back, if I can make enough of a case. Surely my mom, who now has access to my school emails, now knows a lack of Internet is interfering with my education...