What Are You Thinking?

So, I haven't heard from Football Dude since he left me hanging Saturday night with the whole FaceTime thing after he basically bailed on our weekend together. I texted him today and I said, and I'm quoting:

"Ok, so this might be really random and maybe I'm totally reading everything wrong but, are we ever going to actually go anywhere with this, or are we just penpals or what? I was legitimately disappointed this weekend. I feel like you've been leading me on, and if that's the case then I deserve to know the truth. If you're over it...then say so, so I can move on." And he said...nothing at all. No text, no phone call. So I waited three hours and I sent this.."Soooooo...you seriously have nothing at all to say?" And I guess he didn't, because I still haven't heard anything at all, and that was five hours ago.

So it's over. I deleted everything Football Dude related out of my phone. I don't understand what the issue between us was and I don't think I ever will, honestly. On Saturday he literally said, "I need you." And then I haven't heard from him since then and he can't even give me the fucking courtesy of an explanation or legitimate closure. Like...I just don't get it. I don't get it at all. I was really upset about it earlier but now I'm fine, I'm calming down now.

..and, my classes fucking suck. Every asshole I hate is in them. The ginger wrestler from two semesters ago is back in my classes and he mean-mugged me as soon as I walked in the door. Going to be a long semester...

 

Ha ha, yeah. I find it pretty obnoxious when people like their own status.

Also, I can't stand when people get in a fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend and change their relationship status every twenty minutes.

 

Its 2AM.. and I'm still awake again =P Going to get need to get used to staying up late to study. -_- That means less dreaming about girls.. time. XD Ha.

And, still no highscore on Tetris that I can actually be proud of. Aaaw, will get there some day =p

 

I don't know what game the refs are watching, but they are not watching the Notre Dame v. Alabama game.

 

This game is a joke so far.

Also, first day of classes went okay. Kinda wish I could switch a few of my courses to different times, but I'll have to wait and see if things open up.

 

Every now and then I'm in a situation where I ask one of my online friends how everything's going then when they return the question I'm puzzled as to how to be honest and say, essentially, that I've been attending a LGBT group and seeing a therapist. While I'm not worried about a negative reaction, I just can't solve the riddle of how to acknowledge these things are happening but not make it seem like a bombshell.

 

I hate not getting joy from watching sports.
Like why can't I comprehend this useless junk. I would have so many more guy friends...
Damn Dad, gotta be useless

 

Why is it so much harder saying "sorry" when you knew you did something wrong, than when you know you didn't do anything and just want to make peace again? Doesn't make sense to me. It should be the other way around.

 

Went to the gym today for the first time in nearly two years, I'd forgotten how much I hate that place. I can't believe my boyfriend actually likes that place, I think he must be a masochist.

 

Eh.

That about somes up my day. After next year, I have to go. I cant be here, I wouldnt able to take it. I need to start off with completely new scenery, people I have never seen before... It sounds so weird, but that just seems amazing right now. Dont get me wrong, I will put in plenty of effort to be social, but to just be able to find a corner in a library, or building and just write. To start with a clean slate and hopefully find some new friends that I actually want to spend extra/nonessential time with. But now its simply, Eh..

Watching sports has always been the bane of my existance. What does it all mean? I may never know. You're not alone :,(

 

My thoughts turned pitch black the second I read the news that poachers killed an entire family of elephants in Kenya. I didn't know if I could possibly hate poachers more passionately than I did before, but this proved that I could.

Meanwhile, all everyone seems to be able to talk about is that damned BCS championship game.

 

I'm just a newbie and I'm looking for friends.

 

There is no way in hell 80 percent of women are bi and 2 percent of the pop is gay not ten. I wish people would quit trying to sugar coat.

 

I was just thinking that I stay away from people who are in a relationship because I have so many crushes and would feel like I could be flirting with them. I'm all about honesty so any inkling that feels like cheating turns me off. (There's my obsession.)

Also, I will get back to my notifications, I just never have any energy... Never any energy for anything good.

---------- Post added 8th Jan 2013 at 05:11 AM ----------

Being bi is sugarcoating?
I guess that's not what you meant, I just felt like saying something. Been feeling down lately as I think about how the odds are I will be ignored more from the gay side than the straight one. Or maybe it just hurts more, makes less sense. Why can't we all come together?
(I didn't mean to imply that statistic is correct by what I said, by the way.)

 

I'm in a mood that Cristiano Ronaldo didn't win the ballon d'or this year when he REALLY deserved it. Even though I was 99.99% sure Messi was going to win. It's just a popularity contest

 

Wow, I just reached 1000 posts!

Also, this week the soccer season finally continues! First practice tonight, can't wait!

 

It's been 18 months since my last suicide attempt. It's been 9 and a half months since I last self harmed. This makes me happy. And rather proud of myself ^_^

 

It's been around 7-8 months since my last self harm. Stay strong. c: :icon_bigg

 

7 months since I last considered suicide
I hope I never go there again.