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What am I?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by squipped, Dec 29, 2018.

  1. squipped

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    Okay, I need some advice here because this is really bugging me.

    Up until about a month ago, I had never felt like a guy. Not once. Then out of the blue there was a five-minute period where I felt totally, completely male, and it freaked me out because my parents are homophobic and Catholic and my bisexuality is bad enough. But as quickly as it came, it went away. Which is weird.

    So then I started researching things I'd never thought about before, like whether a person can be transgender with no dysphoria and whether moments like what I had are normal and all sorts of things. I also read something that really scared me, which was the idea that cisgender people don't really wonder whether they're transgender or not. I've obviously been doing quite a lot of wondering over the past month, so....

    I realize being gender fluid or non-binary or anything else is also an option, but it's not like my parents would accept me like that either. So I'm pretty much stuck. (Side note: When I started writing this I felt like a guy, and now as I type this I feel 100% female)

    Is it all in my head? Is there something else I'm missing entirely? Also, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying being transgender is "bad" or "wrong" or anything like that, but if I actually am a guy then things get very bad for me. Best-case scenario, my parents tell me I'm being absolutely ridiculous and punish me for my absurdity.

    Any advice at all is welcome! Thank you for reading!
     
  2. BookDragon

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    So you've used the phrases "completely male" and "100% female" in your post. How do they differ in your head?

    Specifically, what is it you feel that screams male or female in those moments, and how do you feel about it?

    For the moment I wouldn't worry about that 'cis folk don't question it' thing.
     
  3. squipped

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    This is probably going to be super vague and unhelpful, but I'll do my best to be clear as possible. When I feel like a guy, I expect myself to be stronger and taller and, well, look like a guy. So when I pass a mirror I'm like, "Whoa, that is not me." When I'm a girl, I feel exactly the same as I always have (minus the "male moments") with no desire to change my gender at all.

    To answer your second question, I absolutely hate those moments when I'm "male"--which is weird, I know. It feels like I'm supposed to be a girl but I'm not, and yet I can't help wanting all those things that boys have. And then the rest of the time, I pretty much forget about it and go about my life the way I always do.

    I think I just confused myself. Ouch. I hope you and/or anyone else is able to decipher what I wrote, but if not, thank you so much for replying anyway.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    I suppose the big thing to think about is just how much it bothers you and how often. If it's something that comes up once in a blue moon, bugs you for an hour then passes, then to be honest I'd probably ignore it. If, on the other hand, it comes up frequently, bothers you for some time and it's really intense, then maybe think about it some more.

    If you do find yourself thinking about it, try asking yourself some of the following questions:

    When you feel 'male':
    1. How does this feel? Good, bad, something else?
    2. What feels good? What feels bad? Can I narrow it down?
    3. How long has this 'male moment' lasted? Is it longer than the last one? Are they happening more frequently?
    4. What is it I want? Is there some small change I could make that would make me feel more comfortable, without fundamentally changing my gender identity

    There are a million other things you can ask yourself, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. You don't have to do or be anything. You're just asking yourself questions. Try not to think so much about what it means, and just try to understand your thoughts a little better.
     
    MStream, Mihael and squipped like this.
  5. Mihael

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    My perspective on this kight be a bit skewed, but maybe you don't feel like a girl, just don't always feel gender or dysphoria? It's quite common.

    I know what you feel about confusing yourself. It sucks to be in such a state.

    If those male moments repeat, there is a number of ways to feel better about yourself, so don't feel down about it. If it's the way you look that bothers you, you can get clothes that you like better or work out or get a different haircut or all of the above. You don't have to tell your parents why, it's your business.
     
  6. Jamilove

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    I consider myself genderfluid and it sounds like you might be as well. I was never happier than the day I found genderfluid as a thing. I thought I had multiple personalities. What I have learned is it's what's inside that counts. Feeling male or female both have the pros. When I'm fem I see the world in a different and more beautiful way. I'm married and tried to explain this to my wife she tried but she didn't get it. What she may see are benefits to the person I am. I like ballet and art as much as sports. I can objectively give her my opinion about clothes and shoes. I admit I'm a bit jealous and wished they were mine. I always felt a assigned female had more clothes option in that there are boxer panties, boy friend jeans etc that are very acceptable in public. I'm also bisexual as you are which adds to the confusion but what the heck. When you are feeling your boy and alone walk like a boy sit open legged. Embrace what is going on inside and enjoy the world as a fluid person. It can be fun to see things from both male and female or a struggle. Kind of up to you.
     
  7. MStream

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    Squipped, I admire the responses you've gotten so far. The one thing I can think to add is that it's probably worth figuring out what your gender identity is as if there were no complications whatsoever, then when you have some certainty about your identity, figuring out what to do about it then. Otherwise, worry about what people will think or what your parents will do, etc. will keep smashing up your clear thinking. Remember that you can be who you are without having to let anyone else know! That isn't the ideal, for sure, but it's a lot better being sure about who you are and hiding it than having no idea who you are and still having to hide your feelings.

    I've said this elsewhere, but one question that helps me sometimes is "If I knew everyone would love, support, and celebrate my gender regardless of what it is, what would my gender be right now?" You might get different answers at different times, but that's all just more information to work with.