Hey all, Wow, I haven't been on here in ages. It feels so weird to be typing out yet another entry. But yet again, I am hopelessly confused. Here's the backstory. For the past year, I've been kind of confused as to what my gender is or if I am even experiencing dysphoria. During the past year, I've been wanting to cover up my chest and bind. I've even contemplated surgery, though that isn't an option for me right now. But at the same time, I still more or less feel like a girl. I dress like a lot of the girls at my school, I like to wear dresses. Though other times, I don't want to be so girly and I just want to dress androgynously. Earlier this year, I cut my hair to a pixie cut and I felt as if a weight (both literally and figuratively) had been lifted off my shoulders. My mom took pictures and I am grinning from ear to ear. As for down there, the discomfort isn't terrible. Sometimes I wonder what having other genitalia though at the same time it freaks me out and I can't imagine it. However, some part of me feels as if what's down there isn't completely right, almost as if it should be more feminine but somewhere in between. At the same time though, I can't think of a single label. I love labels, they keep things organized. So, the fact I don't have one for myself is terrifying. Also, if I actually am experiencing dysphoria, wouldn't I have realized earlier in life? I am currently 15 and going to be a sophomore in high school. What if it's just body dysmorphia or wanting to hop on some "trend" or trying to copy my crush because he's trans. Ahhh. All the possibilities are overwhelming. Please, someone, prove to me I'm not crazy. I just need some help here. Thanks y'all.
If you’re figuring this stuff out at 15, I’d say your ahead of the curve. I’m just now coming to terms with my gender at 34! I also have a lot of ups and downs and back and forth with how I feel about my body and my gender. Do you have a therapist? Sometimes an (affirming) professional can really help you understand yourself. Ultimately you don’t need a label to be you (and there’s like a million labels out there). Learning who you are and what you like is the most important piece. The rest you can figure out along the way. If you’ve got a therapist in your area that specializes in gender and sexuality, I’d seek them out.
Ahh sorry, it took me so long to reply. I thought I did but I guess not. I do see a therapist but she doesn't specialize in gender and sexuality. However, she is pro-LGBT+ (her daughter is a part of the community). I am finally getting to a good place with her so I'm not necessarily sure if I want to change therapists again. Also, I don't know if I have the guts to ask my parents to switch. It's a good idea though and I should probably consider it. Another thing is I like things to be very organized and defined. In that sense, I need a label. I feel like it's not real and it's just a mess when I don't have a label. Other people can not have labels and that's good for them but for my own peace of mind, I need a label. Anyways, thank you so so much for taking your time to reply. I know how easy it is to read someone's post and feel like you don't know how to help so you just don't reply. Thanks again!!
You might try "gender fluid" or "gender queer" on for size. I've had the same worries about copying or trendjacking. Thinking that I wasn't a "real" member of the LGBT+ community because I didn't want to do hormones or surgery. Just because your needs/feelings/experiences are different from others doesn't mean they aren't real! You don't have to have it all sorted it out for it to be real. It sounds like your mom was supportive of getting the new haircut, do you think she'd be down for you adding some menswear or a binder to your wardrobe? If you haven't found a label you're happy with yet, can you say you want to experiment with your style?
Thank you so so much for responding. She was supportive and I love her to death for that but my parents are weird around gender issues. A person that I know from school uses they/them and he/him pronouns. The typical "They? Who's they? Oh, one person." line has become a running joke even in my extended family and the use of they/them pronouns has been the topic of dinner discussions on multiple occasions. I don't want to just be a dinner conversation, an item for small talk. I feel terrible whenever my parents bring my friend up because I don't wish the same upon them either. My dad, while being supportive, has also said things like "There has to be an end to all this gender stuff. You have to stop it somewhere." I think personally, I need to support myself before I can ask for the support for others. I've been trying to sneak in men's clothes such as button-downs because then I could just say "it's a trend" and wear a tank top underneath and keep it open. I've also been wearing more and more sports bras but it's hard because let me just say my chest isn't small. I'm doing my best though. Thanks again for the support. If you have any more words of wisdom, please don't be shy, I really need it haha. Thanks.
