I've came to the conclusion that I enjoy hurting people emotionally. The last two people who have admitted to having strong feelings for me, well... (These were both classmates, a boy and a girl, involved with me at separate times.) I let both know that I wasn't intersted in pursuing a serious relationship with either one. However, I also gave each vague hints and promises of "we can see where things go." After a few months, the same thing happened with both people. (S)he still expressed romantic and sexual feelings towards me while I grew increasingly bored. So, I suppose just in attempts to entertain myself, I picked fights more and more often until we finally had a huge conflict in which I brought up hurtful things from their past and personal lives, really hitting where it hurts. All the while I'm making them feel like crap, I'm feeling calm and slightly amused. Even satisfied. The second incident (with the female classmate) just recently occurred. She's currently hurt and infuriated with me. I don't really feel any different towards her now than I did before I began my twisted game of emotional prodding with her. I guess this is more of a confession than a question for you guys. I just really needed to write this down. I'm not really feeling guilty or having regrets, but I do recognize that my actions would be perceived as sick, selfish, immature, psychotic, etc.. On another note, I'm also highly aware that if this pattern continues, I'm likely to never find and keep a serious romantic relationship, and that somewhat scares me. I don't know how to change. I think I turn to inflicting pain in a relationship because there's nothing else for me to do. I just don't develop strong emotions for people and I don't know why.
Maybe you should look into therapy, because this enjoyment will eventually lead to many broken friendships and relationships. No one is going to enjoy your company if you hurt them like that. You should ask yourself why you believe that you enjoy making people feel this way, and evaluate your emotions after you do things like this to people. I would strongly recommend that next time you get an urge to hurt someone emotionally, resist. It's the best thing that you could decide to do if you ever want to stop. Hope this helped!
Like the person above said, I would see a therapist about this, since I'm not sure anyone on here is qualified to address the problem. I think that the fact that you are kinda scared of your behavior in regaurds to your future is a good sign, but you should still try and find the root of the problem.
I've come across plenty of people just like you. Most were being spiteful because they were insecure or stressed. Even though you feel calm whilst causing conflict, there will be a reason for you doing it; social problems, school/work pressures, etc. Perhaps you don't feel valued (at all or for who you really are) at home or with friends and you feel the need to feel above other people by demeaning them. You're 17 anyway - a teenager going through a chemically charged time - but that's still no excuse. I hope my observations go some way towards helping you understand what's happening. The action you should take to remedy the situation could be to be honest with someone (on here, a friend, family member) - everyone has problems that can be improved by chatting. Good luck; remember that change is possible and nothing is hopeless - be who you could be.
Thank you for the responses. I don't plan on seeking professional therapy anytime soon; I have strong opinions regarding it. People shouldn't seek out therapy for the purpose of forcing themselves to conform to society's ideal personality traits. They should only utilize it to overcome a fear or irrational / self destructive cognitive processes. As far as what could be a "root"... I don't think there is one. I'm not dealing with unusual amounts of stress, I don't feel irrelevant at home or school, I haven't been chronically mistreated or neglected, my self esteem is fine. It's possible that this isn't blossoming from an event in my life, but rather, a core personality trait. I suppose it's not so much that I want to change or erase my cynical and condescending nature, but more that I have to wonder if it will always get in the way of forming romantic relationships. I don't know how I'm ever going to find someone to call mine forever and always if I can't enjoy a relationship without inflicting pain. Part of the reason I'm motivated to hurt people who take an interest in me is because I get so incredibly bored. I always get bored with my partner and I don't know how to prevent the boredom. I don't know how to force myself to care enough about the other person to want to overcome the boredom together instead of doing so on my own at their expense. I get the feeling I derailed somewhere there.... Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.
