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well... I'm lonely

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by goratrix, Apr 7, 2005.

  1. goratrix

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    Ok... here I am, once again, siting in front of my computer... alone.

    Now I'll try to make this post the least depressive I can... but I don't promise anything.

    So... I was just reading again old posts (as old as they get) on this forums... and well. I got a little sad. There are some really moving stories arround here... I thougt I could try to ease my mind by writing a little bit.

    Ok... background (perhaps a bad habit I picked up as a storyteller): I had(and probably still have) a crush on a guy, he is 15 so nothing can happen, I'm almost sure he's straight (but then again, he's sure I am straight... so... who knows), he is kind of my teacher... you know... you probably read all this before so I'll keep it short.

    Anyway... lately I've been trying to get close with him, as friends. And I really mean as friends... I don't think I will allow myself to let anything happen with him. I value way too much some things that would be in jeopardy, should I get involved with him or screw up the friendship... So for the sake of those things I will never act on what I feel. I still want him as a friend... even though he's a bit of a jerk... well who isn't? Today I basically told someone idiot 'cause he didn't understand something I said... so I guess I'm a jerk too.

    Anyway... I am now gettin him to trust me, and slowly starting to trust him. I think (or at least I want) we are starting to develop a good friendship. It has crossed my mind telling him I was gay. However I don't think that would be safe, he could either take it good, and everyone happy... or he could take it badly... and that would be catastrofic for me, it would basically mean I would have to stop doing this thing I really love... or it could even go worse and him seeing right through me and finding out that I like him (not very likely... I'm a hell of an actor when it comes to hide emotions... but then again... there are some pretty perceptive people).

    Now... I'm not seeking answers from this post... specially not those that say: HEY! he's underage! forget about him!. - I mean.. OF COURSE!!! I KNOW THAT... but it's easyer to say it than to do it. And I really DO want a friendship with him.

    I started to analyze myslef and the reasons why I like him. And I found out that one of the reasons was the respect I have for him. There are not many people in this world that inspire me the kind of respect he does. It's like somehow he's superior to me (and I mean other than the fact that he is a black belt) but he is also really good at what he does. He's just educated to act like most men in this society... and I can't blame him for that.

    As an excercise to try and wave some of the reasons for whic I like him I tried to look for his bad sides... and his flaws. So perhaps I would start to see him as a person and that would probably wear of the crush. And if I still like him after that... well... there might just be something else there. I know he's just 15.... statistically he's straight... and I started to see some flaws in him...

    So, since I started to see some flaws in him, and stopped thinking about him all the time I thought I was starting to get over him... well I wasn't..

    Today I went to class, he wasn't there (don't know why). And there were not many people there... it was kind of a slow day. So I started practicing... and well. When I was over all I could think about was how much I missed his class. I was tired but I felt like I had done nothing at all... like it wasn't really a class but just another training session like the ones I do at home... so I started to think about him... I almost went to his house after the class to see what had happened (it took me about half a second to realize that would be way too stupid... even for me).

    So now, here i am. Siting at my computer, listening to some voltaire, just trying to figure out what is going on inside my head. The only friend that can help me is out with some friends, and between that and college we don't get to spend much time together... or even talk over the phone. So I feel lonely. I don't mind being alone... in fact i usually like it... but today I'm depressed, and i need someone to cheer me up... and wherever I turn I only see the backs of people.

    I was going to come out to a friend and his girlfriend tonight... we were going out to play some pool and I figured it was the perfect oportunity... but then I don't know why neither of them answerd the phone (oh, well... I guess we all know why) So I was left alone... again. So here i am... sitting at my computer... on a thursday night, at 11:10 PM... sad and alone. and there is nothing to cheer me up here except Voltaire...

    What did I ever do to you?
    that you should treat me this way
    Is it really such a crime
    for an angel to speak his mind?
    In time I'll try and shead some light

    If I were a big boy
    I wouldn't cry
    But since I'm not a big boy
    I'll have to cry

    What did I ever do so wrong?
    that you should cast me from grace
    Though I love to rule in hell,
    here, how I miss the taste of heave
    It's soft and cool embrace

    If I were a big boy
    I wouldn't cry
    But since I'm not a big boy
    I'll have to close my eyes
    and picture what it's like

    I'm just like you,
    I'm made by him,
    despised by they
    I'm almost me,
    I'm nearly human,
    look at me, I'm almost a human being

    I'm just like you,
    I'm made by him,
    despised by they
    I'm almost me,
    I'm nearly human.
    pitty me, I'm almost a human being

    I still remember your light
    and it was streaming down
    and burning out my eyes
    If I were a big boy
    I wouldn't cry
    but since I'm not a big boy
    I'll have to close my eyes
    and picture what it's like

    I'm just like you,
    I'm made by him,
    despised by they
    I'm almost me,
    I'm nearly human,
    look at me, I'm almost a human being

    there tears are real
    I'm jealousy I'm spite and hate
    to the core I'm mean
    I'm nearly human look at me
    I'm almost a human being
    I'm just like you
    better than he
    to hell with they
    I'm almost me
    I'm nearly human
    Pity me I'm almost a human being

    don't touch me
    I couldn't bear the thought of it now
    don't touch me
    I couldn't bear the strength
    don't touch me
    I couldn't bear the thought of it now
    touch me touch me touch me
    don't touch me touch me touch me


    That is the song I've been tourturing myself with... yeah... I know it has not much to do with my situation... but there are some parts to which I really relate...

    so... I'm not really posting this as a question... but more of a way to put my thoughts in order... and I need to know that someone is reading it... I don't know why... but If i write it for myslef I really don't feel better... now... once I press that submit button I feel relieved... i don't know why.... funny thing the human psyche
     
  2. hawkeye

    Regular Member

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    Thank you

    I hope you start feeling better. I know how it makes it so much better when you can actually talk to someone. You remind me exactly of how I feel sometimes, so much to say, and nowhere to say it. One thing that helps me is that I keep a record of my thoughts (or a Journal, if you want to call it that). I write in it whenever I feel like I need to get something out, and I also print out articles and stuff that is important to me to put in it. If you like writing online better though, go right ahead, thats what we are all here for!
     
  3. Micah

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    I hope writing down your emotions helps, i know it always does for me. Sometimes you just gotta get everything off your chest.

    We're always here to listen and hopefully we can help out. I've just got out of a state of depression myself, where i was moping 'round the house like my life was a complete mess. Lucky I've got a mum who won't stand for it and makes me go out places. I think you should make every effort to reschedule your meeting with your friends, even if you dont end up coming out to them. That way it will take your mind of things, and reassure you that there are people in your life that care deeply for you.

    I hope you're feeling better soon, and remember we're here if you have something on your mind.

    Cheers

    Dave
     
  4. sweetgayboy

    sweetgayboy Guest

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    so u posted this 9 years ago r u still lonely?
     
  5. Renge

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    Err, I don't think he is still in this site anymore..