I see that I have been a member of Empty Closets for 6 1/2 years or so. During that time I have mostly been a fly on the wall. I've replied to a couple of posts, but otherwise I have mostly absorbed what others have to say. I was so afraid for so long, but I need to talk now, I guess. I am bisexual. Really. Early in college I dated a guy, but it was a disaster. Later in college I met and fell in love with my wife. We have been married for 25 + years, and we have three nearly grown children. My wife is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by the man she thought was her father. She has a bunch of debilitating physical and emotional problems, and she has been entirely incapable of sex for the past nine years. I still love her, but I know she will never be capable of romance or sex again. I am basically her caretaker--she is legally disabled by her physical issues. We are not affluent enough to separate, even if we wanted to, and her physical needs make it impractical at any rate. She needs me and I promised to be there for her--and I love her. As far as I know, she doesn't know I like men, because she is pretty intently focused on her own issues. Meanwhile, at 51 years old my sex drive is still strong. At this point the idea of a relationship with any other woman seems extremely unlikely to me--I feel like I have "caught my limit" when it comes to women (to borrow a fishing metaphor). For the past several years I have tried to find some sort of connection--or whatever--in gay movies and tv, in gay romance novels, even--once in awhile--in gay porn. Finally, I started a ****** account, again basically as a "fly on the wall," so that I could see that I was not alone, that there were other guys around me who felt some of the same things I felt. I always ignored anyone who messaged me until this fall, when suddenly I impulsively responded to a few guys. We never hooked up, but a couple of them begged me to, and we sent pics back and forth. I am currently having a tough time with the fact that a guy within walking distance wants me to have sex with him, but my wife won't let me touch her. To compound the problem, I work for one of the most homophobic institutions on earth, and this is not something I will be able to change without plunging my family into poverty. I really don't know what to do. I need to honor my commitment to my wife, I need to provide income for my family, and I need someone to hold me, touch me, and love me. I've been dealing with this for so long, and I feel like there's no solution which will be good for me, for my wife, and for our children. I feel quite a bit of anger for a culture which thinks it is ok to put good people in a situation like this.