So I've been out since I was a teenager. I am now 23, turning 24 in December. I came out to my parents when I was 17 and they are very strong Christians. The funny thing is I converted to Christianity before they did. After seeing me attend church, they decided they wanted to accept Jesus as well. I've been a "born-again" Christian since I was 14 but I did go to Catholic school way before that. My parents still believe my bisexuality is a phase. I still go to the same church I used to go to when I was 14. I've looked at affirming churches but am still scared to take the plunge because I teach Sunday school and sing in the worship band of my current church. Recently, I posted a Filipino coming out video where different Filipino LGBT personalities talked about their coming out stories, on Facebook. I wrote a little message about my own coming out story, as well. My mom got upset and said "what if the pastors see that? You serve in the children's ministry and worship ministry. You have to be more spiritually mature". I did not really understand as I was already out to both my pastors (we have 2, they are husband and wife) so if either of them saw my post, it would be nothing new. My female pastor also thinks my bisexuality is a phase and told me when I came out to her about 2 years ago, "you just haven't found the right man yet". I just feel like I'm living two lives. I truly do believe in Jesus and I don't see anything wrong with dating girls. I am confused, not about my sexual orientation or my belief in a personal God, but confused as to how to live my life. To make matters worse, I cannot find a partner. The longest relationship I had was about a month and it was with this very conservative Christian guy I met online and we broke up when I came out as bi to him and he did not agree with it. He literally asked me "so do you need both a boyfriend and a girlfriend" and he also told me I'm wrong for being the way I am. I am glad I got rid of him but, tbh, the reason I started online dating is to get over this woman I met before I even realized I was queer. I posted a thread about her a long time ago. She was my teacher when I was in high school. When I met her, I was 13 and she was 34. I didn't really like her when I first met her because she was a very vocal Atheist and I was a very devout Catholic at that time. I had her for Social Studies in Grade 9 and she grew on me, not in a romantic way, but I liked her as a teacher as she was engaging. Fast forward to when I'm 16, I have her as a teacher for the second time for Grade 12 Law. During this time, a friend of mine, who was 17, committed suicide. She was one of my best friends but I admit that I wondered whether how our friend group treated her, like poking fun at her, went too far into bullying territory and if that is why she did it. However, she also had problems at home so I am not sure. Both the teacher and I knew my friend, let's call her E, and I was very upset, understandably, when she passed away. The teacher took a couple days off after the incident happened because she was one of her favourite students, at least I think so. Fast forward again a few months later, I am doing a project for my English class across the teacher's, let's call her Ms.S, Ms.S's classroom and I hear someone speaking really loudly, I look across the hall and there Ms.S was giving her lesson and I stared at her because she was being so loud and she caught me looking at her and we just kind of stared each other down for a couple of seconds. After this, she started to act different. She was and is a very confident woman and I feel like she assumed that I had feelings for her at that time (I didn't....yet). I think it was kind of like a self-fulfilling prophesy because like a month later, I was on a ski trip with my family and opted to stay in the hotel room because I suck at skiing. I was just laying there on the hotel bed and I came to a realization "crap. I think I have feelings for Ms.S". These feelings were intensified when she insisted that I take her class the next semester because, as she said, "I think you'd like it". Anyhow, after I graduated high school and I could not get her off my mind. When I was 19, I made this account to ask for help about how to get over her. Along the way, I developed a mental illness that involved me seeing random people and thinking they were her as well as hearing voices in my head that sounded like her. To this day, I still hear those voices but they no longer sound like her. I actually confessed my feelings to her in 2016 and she blatantly rejected me, which makes sense because she has a husband and a son the same age as my little brother, but she also had the police show up at my door and give me a sort of restraining order which I have followed and have not broken since 2016. She changed her name on Facebook and her husband did the same but I was still able to find them because I am just THAT obsessed with her and her life. I think part of the reason as to why I am obsessed with her is she reminds me of my friend that passed away. I google her name on a weekly basis and check her AND her husband's Facebook aliases every couple of days. I look back at my posts and laugh because at times, I hate her for what happened and how the situation was dealt with but at the same time, I also am not sure if I still have romantic feelings for her. I really want to get over this whole thing and I've talked to several non-Christian therapists as well as pastoral counsellors but nothing has helped. I think this will only stop once I "get" her which is impossible because the feelings are not mutual and she has a husband and family. I just want this to stop but idk how.
Hey I think perhaps reaching out to an LGBT friendly church could really help you find some like minded people. As far as your ex teacher goes you have to end this cycle, I would say perhaps you should give therapy another go because the cycle you are in is very unhealthy. What do you think would happen if you didn't check their Facebook?
If you can 'decide' to find jesus, then you can decide to end the hunger for this woman. You have to, otherwise you will destroy your life. It won't be easy, and it will take the strongest level of commitment ever, and it will most likely required a lot of therapy. The question is - are you ready to start that work? If the answer is 'yes', know that healing yourself from this obsession is the main task at hand. I would also wonder if your church involvement is helping you, regarding your bisexuality, and your obsession. I would advise finding a church that will support you more fully, and that will support the life you want to live.
Hey there friend! I see a lot of myself in you, despite some differences in our experiences I feel like we've been through some of the same things. I'm bi, have struggled with religious beliefs, and also never had a long term relationship. I don't think you have to give up your belief in God to live your truth as a bi person - I know some LGBTQ+ Christians that are able to happily balance both, though I think it took some work for them too. If members of your church do not fully accept you, I encourage you to consider finding a church that does accept your sexuality. I know that's easier said than done, especially because it sounds like you are involved in your church community. But I truly think you shouldn't have to compromise your faith while simultaneously being happy and secure in your sexuality, because there are Christian churches that are totally welcoming of LGBTQ+ people. And this is coming from someone who isn't religious anymore. I mainly wanted to address what you said about your enduring obsession with this former teacher of yours. You mentioned that you posted about her in the past so I glanced at your profile and I can tell this has not been easy for you at all. What you're going through reminds me of something I've been through which I feel ashamed about. During a couple of periods in my life where I felt particularly lonely, instead of having crushes on people I know, I've become obsessed with celebrities or fictional characters. This happened when I was around 11-13ish (more with fictional characters because I read books instead of the internet), when I felt like I didn't really fit in at school. Then again briefly when I was like 16 and I was struggling with realizing that I wasn't straight and the shame of that. Then, when I was a freshman at college and I thought I had put that behind me, it got really bad. I was really struggling to adjust to college - I missed all my friends from home and my sister so badly, and was having a rough time emotionally but didn't feel like I could talk to anyone around me about it. I became obsessed with a certain famous person, and of course that person is completely inaccessible to me, like your formal teacher is to you. We've never met and never will. And yet I started to care about her more than I cared about people in my real life. I watched every video of her I could find, and looked through all her social media, and I never run out of things to look at, because when someone's famous, there's a virtually endless wealth of it. It got so bad, I literally combed through comments sections of videos, articles, posts about her and would argue with people who would say bad things about her. It was an addiction, and I was so embarrassed by it. My friends had no idea I had this obsession; in fact it's pretty much the only thing about myself left that I don't tell even my closest friends. I tried to stop looking at stuff about this person online, but I didn't have the self control. After about 9-10 months the obsession started to fade but it took over a year before I was completely over it. Sorry for the long ramble about my experience, but something in your post just resonated with me. I'm not judging you at all for being obsessed with this woman for so long, but I do hope you are able save yourself from this, and that will take effort. I know no amount of people on EC telling you "it's not happening, you need to move on" is going to help. Because you already know that, and your feelings still aren't going anywhere. I encourage you to find therapist who maybe specializes in something like this to help give you the mental tools to move past this. I wish I had talked to a therapist or literally anyone while that was happening to me, because I felt like I was losing my mind after a while. I felt like I had no control over my own thoughts and it terrified me, and I hope it never happens again. It held me back from living my life to the fullest and I can see that's happening to you too. Good luck, I'm rooting for you. I hope you're able to move past your longing for that woman and find someone who reciprocates your feelings.
