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Wasn't sure about things until today

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Grungelord, Mar 16, 2021.

  1. Grungelord

    Grungelord Guest

    Go back to last summer, and I would have told you I identified as a man. That's because around that time I've never felt a ton of discomfort with how I saw myself. I had this image in my head of what I would prefer to look like, that being generally more androgynous and less masculine. To me though, it was simply a preference of style and nothing else. Course I had always been a hot mess. Struggling to find the right clothes for myself; too tight, too baggy, too short, stuff like that. I also have always had a relatively feminine body structure, which made me feel even more awkward growing up.

    Then, going back to last summer, I had started my first relationship with someone that actually got serious. Looking back though, this person saw me, and sought to mold me to how she wanted me to be. She wanted me to be more assertive with her, she wanted me to pack on more muscle even though there was nothing wrong with how I already looked, she wanted me to get a tattoo, to grow a beard, and I could go on about other things, but to say this made me feel uncomfortable would be a massive understatement. In the matter of weeks, I felt extremely depressed, but I didn't why I was having such a fierce emotional reaction. After all I'd just be becoming "more of a man" right? I eventually broke down crying because I was feeling so uncomfortable, really unlike anything I've felt in my life. I had to confront her about this, that she couldn't pressure stuff like this on me, things soured from there for other reasons and we eventually broke it off.

    Now it's 2021, and looking back on this, I've had to seriously question what was actually going on. Why did I feel so extremely uncomfortable by the thought of myself as the "idealized version of what a man is"? If I were to ask that question to my parents, I pretty sure they'd think I'm just pathetic. Well, what I personally think, and I've had a long time to think about this, is that I could probably be non-binary. Think I could afford to be a bit more honest with myself about how I view myself, and I don't think I see myself as a "man".
    Don't have a soul to talk to about this, so this is the best I can do right now. Thank you for reading.
     
  2. Turtlemom1

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    Hello. First I want to say how sorry I am that you had to go through all of that. You don't sound pathetic at all to me, you sound like a person with some struggles that didn't have the support you needed. Your ex was in the wrong on every level and I hope you never get subjected to that kind of treatment again.
    I think you will learn a lot here and get plenty of support. There's so many people here with a lot of experience and knowledge. Have you looked to see if you have a PFLAG group near you? If you haven't that would be a good place for you to connect with others as well. Have a good night!
     
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  3. Grungelord

    Grungelord Guest

    That I do! I just looked it up! Thank you!!
     
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  4. QuietPeace

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    Actually to me it sounds more like she wanted to turn you into a toxic male rather than an ideal one. I am sorry that you had to go through that. Getting together with anyone and then trying to "fix" them is wrong, though it hurt getting free of that situation was probably best for you.

    There is a thread here where you can experiment with names and pronouns to see how that may feel for you. Of course you can also read things other people have posted and continue to ask questions here in the forum.
     
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  5. LilLady9

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    What's the difference between a toxic male and an ideal one? I definitely agree there is a difference but It's rather subjective depending on who one asks. I'm curious how you would describe the difference. It definitely doesn't come down between a man having a heard, muscles, tattoos, etc. and not. However, I do agree a man with these characteristics can be toxic. I just think it's definitely a generalization.
     
    #5 LilLady9, Mar 17, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2021
  6. LilLady9

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  7. arson

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    best of luck with everything, and however you end up identifying you are and always will be valid .
    i bet this is difficult for you but i know you'll get through this and i'm really proud of you.

    arson ^^
     
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