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Was it better to be in the Closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by 50ishandout, May 21, 2016.

  1. 50ishandout

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    I haven't been around for a while. Actually been very depressed. Having been "Out" now for over a year I am the same hopeless shlub as an Out Gay man.

    Any relationship I had with a woman was just nothing. No emotion. When I Came Out I had expectations of immersing myself in the LGBT Community. I've had marginal success with that.

    I'm 52 and know that I'm destined to be lonely for the rest of my life.

    I'm thinking it was better to be in the Closet because then "I" had no expectations of a relationship. Every day that goes by I'm more and more depressed and think I should have just stayed closeted.
     
  2. fenestra

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    I can't say that it would be 'better' but it certainly is safer. But being safe doesn't allow one to be open. And vulnerability is necessary for love to enter.

    I think you hit on something when you were in the closet, you had no expectations of a relationship. Maybe the expectation is what is causing the suffering. Yeah, I know it's almost impossible to have no expectations in this life especially when you know you're worthy of love. Everyone is entitled to it, dammit.

    But I can't imagine even getting close to that authentic, all-embracing love if you can't even be true to yourself. I tend to lean more towards being 'out' and risking it. Of course, no one should have to suffer unduly. If it's safer for you to be in the closet, I guess only you can know for sure.
     
    #2 fenestra, May 21, 2016
    Last edited: May 21, 2016
  3. angeluscrzy

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    I've been "out" for about a year myself, and things definitely could be going better.....but I'd never wanna be closeted again. In a way, it doesn't matter because not having friends, there's nobody I really have to worry about coming out to. Nothing about splitting from a familiar relationship is always easy. I was in my relationship with gf/mother of my kids for approx 15 years. We had other problems as well, and as those festered my need to just be out did as well.
    Now as I work 75 hours a week to provide as single parent, I wonder how I will find time for dating, how to overcome crippling social anxiety, build my confidence to one day meet someone.........it seems to never end.
    That said, I got so tired of feeling dead inside being in my straight relationship. It's hard as hell going thru all this crap, but I think you just gotta hold out the hope that as long as you are trying your best to connect with others, eventually things have to get better and a little easier.
     
  4. Weston

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    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling bad. All I can suggest is to try to stay connected to the gay community with no expectation of a relationship. Join an interest group or service organization or just simply show up at some regular LGBT event/location over and over until people get to recognize you and talk to you. Hopefully a relationship will develop when you least expect it.
     
  5. CapColors

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    I agree with these guys. Hang in there, friend.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    50ishandout,

    We both joined EC in May 2015. Today I'm the happiest and most content I've been in my life. It does get better. Hang in there. I sent you a PM.

    Best,
    SF
     
  7. Tomás1

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    Could u possibly have an issue w self esteem: believing in yourself, loving yourself, feeling good about yourself?

    Low self esteem is rampant in the gay world. It saps your strength, limits your vision, & is very unhealthy. Google self esteem - there are many things u can do to build it up.

    The other thing I'm wondering is if you've considered anti depressant medication? Some have hormonal imbalances that can b improved w medication.
     
  8. Disney Guy

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    I just turned 50 and feel exactly the same
     
  9. 50ishandout

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    Thank you all for the responses. After I posted, I talked with a friend who plays hockey in my league. There is a big gay hockey tournament in New York City this weekend. Guess where I'll be? At the tournament with his team.

    As to the issue of self esteem, I've always been confident about myself, the problem is trying to establish the relationships to meet people.

    I've got such a crazy schedule and have done the bar scene already. Every Meet Up group is for a 20 something computer programmer, or the Classical Music Group.

    Like everything else I'll keep trying. Hopefully this weekend will help turn the corner.

    Thanks all, especially SiennaFire.

    Much Love
     
    #9 50ishandout, May 23, 2016
    Last edited: May 23, 2016