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Was coming out a good idea? In a country where LGBTQ is not legal yet.. See what happened.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jalpha, Jul 10, 2020.

  1. jalpha

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    don’t know how this will find you guys but I hope you are all okay. A little about myself. I’m from Kenya in Africa. I came out about 5 months ago. Being in a country that hasn’t yet legalized same-sex marriage and relations, this wasn’t a really good idea. But I was fed up with all the hiding and lying to my folks and siblings. So I just decided it was time and just as expected I was met with so much negativity and backlash. My mom didn’t even wanna see me and my dad didn’t react and my siblings being older and married were disappointed. I was treated like an outsider and my mom even informed the extended family. I don’t even know why. Damn it was hard. I ended up talking to my dad one night and he opened up about how he had no issue with me being queer but he just didn’t want my mum to know. I promised not to say a word and my dad decided that it was better that I move from home to reduce the tension. I left home but my mum thought I had run away. Only Dad knew where I was and continued to send me money for upkeep. Then he got into an accident and I was forced to come back home. The truth about my dad supporting came to light and now we became outcasts. Even my dad just because he supported me for being a lesbian. So my dad, who’s the only support system is in hospital, during his treatment they found tumors around his colon. So he has to go in for surgery on July 30th. With only me by his side. I can’t even afford his bills. My family and extended family resent us and won’t even talk. Mum has already filed for a divorce. Talk about a snowball effect. I started an online fundraiser for my dad its still ongoing till August 15 but that is not going too well too. I don’t know what else to do for real I don’t know if it is appropriate to share my fundraising link but if anyone would like it please leave a comment. This is my current reality. Any words from you guys would mean the world.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Jalpha,

    You live in such a beautiful country, it is sad to know how difficult it is to live there where it is a crime to be LGBT.

    I hope you realize that your parents divorce has more to do with their own relationship than anything else. Children of divorcing/divorced parents often feel compelled to take on some of the blame; but I would think their relationship was probably in trouble for quite some time just as other marriages are prior to a divorce.

    There is an LGBT support group in Kenya. I believe they are located in Nairobi. I can not recall the name, but if you reach out to the Human Rights Campaign in Washington D.C. www.hrc.org, they should be able to direct you to them as I know they have worked with them in the past. I would suggest starting there and see what type of assistance the local LGBT support group might be able to offer.
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Jul 10, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2020
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  3. jalpha

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    I didn't know we had one of those. Thanks let me check it out. Yeah local help would be so great. Thanks so much❤❤❤❤
     
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  4. bingostring

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    As a British person, my first feeling honestly is one of GUILT. Britain spread laws around the empire outlawing same sex relationships and they are still having negative impacts today in Kenya, India and many other places - it makes me feel ill.

    My second feeling is how amazing you are at being true to yourself and being so courageous. You have my entire admiration!!
     
  5. jalpha

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    I chose to stick by my truth and though I nearly lost everyone , I don't regret it. I just wish things were easier on my dad and I. Maybe they will after we get through this surgery. I feel really guilty . I feel like its my fault he lost his marriage and his friends. I just feel like its my responsibility to find the money for his surgery ,maybe as a thanks. Maybe I,ll feel better. I don't know
     
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  6. bingostring

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    Does your father have any siblings or cousins who will help with the money for his operation - even if some have disowned him (Which is terrible).. There must be some who would step in? They say “blood is thicker than water”
    Are there any charities or churches you can go to for some help?
    Would the hospital administration give you any ideas of where to get a grant, or loan or credit?

    Sorry, I am clutching at straws but you might have some unexpected luck if you write out a list of individuals and/ or institutions who might be able to help.
    Even if they say “no” they may point you onwards to someone you have not thought of.

    Do you, personally, have anyone who could become part of your support network. It is tough to deal with all these things by yourself. Just one person, a school friend? Would make a bi

    I am wishing you and your father WELL. Especially for the treatment. Often those sorts of tumours can be straightforward to treat.
    And hopefully your family will start to come back together before you know it.
     
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  7. Rin311

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    Welcome to EC. I'm sorry things went the way they did for you. No one deserves to be treated this way by their own family. I've been rejected by my family too. It hurts, and it will continue hurting, but we can't control other people and the way they react to things... we can only hope they'll come around eventually.
    I hope your father gets well soon. Hang in there and take care.
     
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  8. BiGemini87

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    I'm so sorry for your troubles: how your family has reacted to you coming out, your father's hospitalization, and the fact that you're both being ostracized in your time of need. Are there any family members who aren't upset with you, maybe someone just too scared to get involved right now? Or any friends (yours or your father's) who could help you out?

    I hope you're able to get in touch with the organization someone else mentioned, and that they'll be able to help both you and your father. I'm so sorry being honest was met with so much trouble, but don't blame yourself; you have done nothing wrong by being honest. The problem lies with people who cannot come to accept differences.
     
    #8 BiGemini87, Jul 15, 2020
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  9. jalpha

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    It will take a while for an organization to come through especially during this time. That's why i started the fundraiser. I think that I can only stop blaming myself once my dad is okay. I can't help but feel a little guilt.
     
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  10. smee

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    I'm the father of two grown sons, and I want to say that you did the right things. Your father too. I look back, and the times that I most regret are when their mother and I tried to change them instead of trusting and supporting them.

    How does your dad feel about all of this? If he doesn't regret his decision to support you then how does that affect your guilt? This is him parenting. I know you feel guilty. Be proud of him too, for standing up for his kid.

    It is a difficult situation, and I hope things get better. I am proud for both of you and for how you are both handling this.