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Wanting to be outed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Biguy45, May 15, 2018 at 10:00 AM.

  1. Biguy45

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    im sure this has been asked before, and if so, I apologize. But I would like to know if anyone else wants someone to figure out you are lgbt and call you out on it. I really want to talk to someone in my life about it, and that would make it easier. I’m aware that it’s the cowards way out, but it’s all I can hope for at this point
     
  2. Chip

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    I think at a certain point, a lot of people do this unconsciously (leave obvious hints, leave a gay magazine on the coffee table, etc.) When I was coming out in my 20s, it was sort of awkward for me to bring up "Oh, btw I'm gay now" to people that had known me for years, so I'd just sort of drop little hints... and eventually people took up the hints and then we could have a conversation. And I've been on the opposite end of that as well, where people were painfully pathetic at keeping their secret, but still maintaining a facade that I eventually just called them on.

    It's a delicate line... one wants to be respectful, but one also wants to honor the difficulty someone might have in bringing it up. And it's a vulnerable conversation to have, so it isn't easy.
     
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  3. Biguy45

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    Yes I can see that. It als depends on who outs me. I wouldn’t want to discuss it with everyone. I really do want to talk about it though I suppose that’s why I’m here
     
  4. IanMkh

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    I can totally understand this. Sometimes I feel like I'm leaking queer all over the place. In desperate moments, I think I do want to be found out. I've even left Easter eggs on some of my real social media account profiles that would make it easy for someone to figure it out if they knew what to look for. And, yes, it feels cowardly, but then it would just be over, right? But, I still think I'd rather control the circumstances of coming out when the time is right. I kind of was out to someone a few years ago. It started out great. Having a thought partner (and an "other things" partner) was such a relief. Until it wasn't. And it became a holy nightmare. So, I'm back in the closet. Anonymous conversations here are helpful, but I understand the pull of wanting to have someone in your life know what's weighing on your heart.
     
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  5. Biguy45

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    I actually told people I was bi but they just thought I was joking I didn’t have the guts to change their minds.
     
  6. Caraldo

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    I'm going through this a little bit. I don't have the desire to go banging a drum holloring "I'm here, I'm queer"(not against people who do it big, just my own personal preference for me). But I have come out directly with some people and have just quit hiding. Friday I actually had it happen. I went to the bank with a friend who I am assuming has heard through the grapevine. He commented that casual Friday is getting kind of ridiculous. There was a very young teller who was not dressed very banker like. I made some comments about how attractive the young man was, nothing over the top. He asked me outright "So it must be true you are into guys?" Very matter of fact, I gave him a matter of fact reply about my ling struggle, and it was no big deal. Maybe it's the cowards way, or maybe we all can choose the path we think is best. I just want to quit hiding.
     
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  7. Hawk

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    I get it, I feel like that would be so much easier if someone just asked, “ Hey, are you trans/gay?” Then I could just say yes/no and start a conversation from there.
     
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  8. SemiCharmedLife

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    Yeah I definitely get this. With a lot of people I wasn't trying to hide it but didn't want to make a huge announcement either. So if it came up it came up.
     
  9. Biguy45

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    I’m afraid it’s not going to just come up with me. I’ve been hinting at it thoigh
     
  10. closeted13

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    Yeah I get exactly what you mean man, it's a struggle. I'm not out to anyone but I've definitely dropped a few hints around the people I would like to be the first to know. Also, although I don't really want my mother to find out, I've still been dropping hints around her, just a little bit... I suppose I know it will be extremely difficult to come out to her, so I'm just preparing her for it... not sure if she's picking up on any of it.

    So far I've never been asked if I'm into guys/girls! I guess people don't wanna get too intrusive.

    Keep dropping hints though and eventually people will ask you. Have you considered going to a Pride? Or maybe talking about a guy whom you find attractive? That would definitely grab people's attention, just my two cents!
     
  11. Biguy45

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    I don’t know if I have the courage to give that obvious of a hint. I think my wife suspects though, based on things I like to do sexually, and things I talk about. She never says anything though. She knows I don’t cheat on her, so she doesn’t rock the boat. If I forced her to acknowledge it, it may change things
     
  12. KayNB

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    This doesn't sound as much like a cowards way out as it sounds like a technique that could make coming out easier. I've noticed that people have even suggested a few ways to be more forward about it so that it works better. Personally, I never even realized that I did it but I often first talk about something that suggests "maybe I know something about being queer" and then after we're talking about that subject I explain my own place in the LGBT+ community (or at least the parts of it that I am willing to be out about).

    Socially it's much less jarring. It ramps someone up to the idea first so that when it comes out there isn't a:...
    [​IMG]
    moment... ** giggles **

    (Photo by CEphoto, Uwe Aranas found it on wikimedia then edited it for the caption)
     
  13. Biguy45

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    I have been talking about lgbt issues in a favorable light lately. Before I admitted to myself that I was bi that wasn’t the case. It’s just another hint I’ve given people
     
  14. SemiCharmedLife

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    I have 2 coworkers (plus our asshole boss who can never know I'm gay). One was my friend before we started working together so she knew, and the other one didn't know until recently but I wasn't really hiding it. Finally it came up in conversation between the two of them and she texted me and was like omg I knew ever since the first company Christmas party over a year ago when you told me how great I looked in a way like you weren't hitting on me. But she didn't want to just ask either in case i wasn't.

    Then later over a beer this conversation happened:

    Coworker: it's like I'd thought you were gay for a long time but how do you ask someone that?

    Me: you could've just been like so SemiCharmedLife if someone were to show up at your back door with a large package would you let them come inside?

    Her: *laughs uncontrollably*
     
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  15. Biguy45

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    I’ll have to remember that line should the occasion ever arise
     
  16. SevnButton

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    OMG! "Leaking queer all over the place" -- that's the best expression I've heard in a long time!!
    And that sums it up so well -- "...wanting to have someone in your life know what's weighing on your heart".
    So, it the pay-off worth the risk? Only you can decide. It would be so nice if someone were to show up and say, "Hey, I was just wondering, because I noticed some things, and it crossed my mind that you might be gay. I was afraid to ask, but I'm gay, and I just want to be able to talk with someone". Yikes! That someone might have to be me.
     
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  17. anonmember

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    I sometimes like to do this.
     
  18. Jakebusman

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    I don't understand the topic sorry
     
  19. Biguy45

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    It means I’m hoping someone figures out that I’m bi so I don’t have to tell them
     
  20. anonmember

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    No one can know for sure unless you tell them. They can guess based on stereotypes and gaydar and stuff like that and question you, but the only way people can "know" is if you tell them.