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want to come out but worried about my safety

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by htlaps, Feb 17, 2020.

  1. htlaps

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    i'm a 15 year old trans guy and i've known my identity for 2-3 years now. my parents are shit, honestly, when it comes to trans issues and people so i feel entirely awful whenever i consider coming out... but i really need to, i don't even own a binder and my parents don't even know that i've had a boyfriend for the past two years either. how can i protect myself from my parents but still come out and be truthful to them about who i am? i feel like i'm living a lie.
     
  2. Rin311

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    If you feel your parents might do something radical such as kick you out of the house, abuse you in any way or threaten your physical safety, don’t come out. It’s too big a risk. Wait until you are over 18 and out of the house. Safety comes first, and as much as you want to come out, putting yourself at risk is just not worth it. It sucks, but you must protect yourself first and foremost. Take care.
     
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  3. quebec

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    htlaps.....First of all, a very big welcome to Empty Closets! Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important two factors in deciding when to come out are: 1) Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you...not them. and... 2) Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. Being out in high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can be problematical. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be.

    Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out.

    Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. BiGemini87

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    I agree with the previous two comments: much as it sucks, if it means your safety, you'll probably have to postpone coming out. However, if there's a risk of you being found out regardless, it might be a good idea to get a safety net in place--just in case. Is there anyone you can trust, anywhere you can go/anyone you can turn to should the worst come to pass? In the event you face being kicked out or abused, is there a friend you can stay with, or a more open-minded relative that won't sell you out to your parents? I encourage you to look into any resources specifically targeted on the well-being and safety of kids; safe houses, shelters, anywhere that will take you in if all other options have failed.

    I hope the worst doesn't come to pass, of course. It's just better to be prepared in the event it does. Stay safe. <3
     
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  5. quebec

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    htlaps.....I just had another thought after reading the comment that @BiGemin87 posted. Take some time and think about what you would say if your parents confronted you about your sexuality. If you have an answer to potential questions already thought out, you will come across as a much more thoughtful, adult-thinking person. Having already planned for this possible ugly situation will help avoid the panic filled denials that will make you look more childish. Parents often go to the "it's just a phase" accusation, but if you've got reasonable, well-planned answers for those hard questions you can help to calm down a conversation that can easily become very heated! Think about it...I'm sure it will also give you more confidence!! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  6. Josh10

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    I feel the same way kind of. I'm scared of telling my parents. Just be sure it's cool before you do anything I think. I'm not sure what to do either.
     
  7. AlecVictor

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    Howdy! The previous responses include a lot of good points, first and foremost is your safety, if you believe there is any possibility of your parents kicking you out or being physical do not risk your safety, especially if you do not have other supportive family to fall back on. As much as remaining in the closet can be difficult and detrimental to your mental health you have to always think about your physical safety first. That being said if this is your situation there are some resources that may still be able to help you depending on your situation. If you can not come out at all but feel your parents will not question small changes Point of Pride is a non-profit that helps get binders to people who can not afford them, https://pointofpride.org/chest-binder-donations/. There is no age requirement and packages are discrete. You can also try to by more unisex or oversized clothing if you have lots of dysphoria about your body. This may help curb the difficulty of your situation until you can start living openly.
    On the other hand, if you feel that your parents are likely to accept you or even if they disagree will still provide a safe environment then I suggest starting a discussion with them, even if it is more abstract or the partial truth at first as you test the waters. You can speak to them about your desire to present more masculine or just to present less feminine without putting any labels on it, sometimes being ambiguous can allow them to live in a state of blissful ignorance while allowing you to safely stretch your wings a bit. Making small changes and slowly opening your parents minds before fulling coming out could ease any difficulties you may face. There are also lots of resources for parents and if you ever do decide to come out they may help your parents understand and be more open.
    https://www.genderspectrum.org/resources/parenting-and-family-2/
    http://www.transyouthequality.org/for-parents
    https://www.hrc.org/resources/resources-for-people-with-transgender-family-members

    Bets of luck in your journey! You can always find support here.
     
  8. mellissa

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    Hello fellow Canadian.
    If you feel that you will be harmed (physically, or emotionally) then don't do it. If you can't support yourself financially then don't do it. I know staying in the closet is harder for trans people than for any other LGBT people, but I've seen trans kids go through some awful stuff due to their family's intolerance. Please feel free to talk with me any time you feel depressed, scared, or whatever.