Hi all, So I would like some advice. As the title suggests, I have been on a roller coaster for awhile now and I just would like to just get this process over with. I realized I was gay about three years ago and I have made a lot of progress since then. have completely accepted that I am gay and there is nothing I can do to change that. I am not necessarily sad that I am confused but rather the sadness comes from not fitting in to “normal” society. I also have a physical disability so even when I am in LGBTQ spaces, I still feel like an outsider. I know that being LGBTQ is a small part of me and it should not be a big deal in 2019 because most people are accepting. I am on a roller coaster right now where some days I feel like it’s cool to be so different and then a month later I’ll go back to being insecure about myself. Does anyone know how to get to a point to where I can feel secure and be happy about being different?
I think one of the key things is to stop seeing yourself as significantly different or anything other than part of "normal" society. Society is made up of people from all backgrounds and walks of life and it's totally "normal" for it to be that way. What's more odd is when there is an effort to suppress identity and impose conformity. It may not seem significant to change our mindset in this way, but it really is very significant. These subtle messages that we are different or not part of the norm can actually begin to corrode our confidence and self esteem and make us feel less valuable as a person and I'm here to tell you that you are valuable and worthy - just as you are. You say you have made a lot of progress since realising three years ago and I'm just curious how you measure progress? What have you done so far and what more do you think you need to do? If you can answer these questions and share your thoughts with us we might be able to help and sit in that seat alongside you on the rollercoaster. The coming out process isn't a nice smooth car ride, but nor is life in general. What makes it easier is when you share the journey and speak openly about where you are on the journey. That's why we are all here! Tell us where you think you are and let's see if we can help you out.
So it’s been an interesting journey. A majority of my middle school and high school experience was suppressing my sexuality because I was already insecure about my disability and I really wanted to do everything like everyone else did. I was raised Catholic and I liked religion because it helped me get through the day with my physical disability. But in order for God to help me, I could not be gay because that would be a sin. Even though my sexuality was there, I really didn’t acknowledge it because I did not want to be even more different than I already was. I went to college and I got more freedom to do what I wanted without any consequences. My second semester of college I went to see a counselor about my sexuality and he suggested I was gay because I really liked looking at guys and I did not really look at girls the same way. I first came out as “bisexual” to my parents because I thought it would be easier for them to process. I also wanted to cling on to a “normal life”. I eventually transitioned to “gay” when I became more comfortable with myself. During this time, I started my first gay relationship and I felt more authentic. However, I was so desperate to validate my identity that I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years because I felt like I was not worthy of anyone else’s love. I finally decided to end it when it got too much for me. Just recently I stopped praying and replaced prayer with positive affirmations. I am now an atheist and I feel more comfortable in my identity as a result. Right now I am struggling with comparing myself to other people. I often ask myself “How would life be if I was straight?”. I also kind of feel isolated because I am in a minority and... I feel...jealous...? I don’t know. I want to get to a point to where I don’t compare myself with others. Hopefully this helps.
I'm pleased you replied and felt able to say more. It sounds like you have been on quite a journey already and I think you need to give yourself some credit for how far you have come. You have faced some big challenges with the conflict between faith and sexuality and you have (hopefully) arrived at a position where you have addressed that issue. Trust me, some LGBT people spend years and years trapped in that place alone. Do remember that coming out is a journey and not a race and even when we think we have passed the finish line life will throw us a curve ball with our sexuality. I have been out for over 20 years and even now I will still come up against situations concerning my sexuality that challenge me and require me to dig deep and push back against the little voices within that would shame and suppress me. Fortunately, I'm strong enough to do that now, but I mentioned it to show that we are all journey men and women and the finish line isn't as clear as we imagine. So I would suggest you focus more on building strength, resilience and self confidence. You don't need to compare yourself to anyone and please don't imagine that life would be easier/better if your were straight. Many people within the LGBT community fall into the trap of imagining things are somehow more rosy for the 'straights' and I can tell you that's not true at all. They may not face some of the problems and challenges we face, but the grass aint greener on the other side and we don't need to feel jealous of them. Nor do we need to feel jealous of gay guys who seem to be settled in a relationship. We have no idea of their journey and how they got to that place. The fact is we are all different. No two people experience life in the same way and it would be an incredibly boring and dull world if we were all the same. The fact that you are gay and have a disability makes you no more or no less different than anyone else. You are unique and that's something to be proud of rather ashamed of or concerned about. You have proven already that you are a strong and able person, by extracting yourself from a toxic relationship. It wasn't easy for you, but you did it and that tells me that you have everything you need to move on. You just need to make friends with yourself and build that strength, resilience and self belief. When did that two year relationship end? As you look forward, what are your hopes? Where would you ideally like to be a year from now?
Hi Patrick, Thank you again for taking the time to respond to me. I guess where I hope to be is a place where no matter what happens, I will not ever go back in the closet. I am already out to my friends and family and online so it’s not like I could go back if I wanted to. I don’t know if this makes sense but I still feel a sense of vulnerability of being closeted again. I am worried that I will believe that life is too hard the way it is and give up. In a year from now, I want to reframe my thinking so that I can truly love another guy without that “little voice” in the back of my head saying it’s wrong. I still have the framing in my mind that the only “acceptable” form of love is between a man and a woman. I want to change that so that not only do I think being gay is “normal”, but it is the normal if that makes any sense. That relationship ended two years ago but I entered it because I wanted to validate my gay identity rather than out of genuine attraction. I’m moving soon so I’m waiting for a little bit before starting something new.
Do you think all of this might be a hangover from your Catholic past? It sounds like it might be to me. Perhaps, you need to do more work on moving away from your religious past, or even make peace with it on some level. When you consider this quote from your second message, how did you feel about leaving Catholicism (and by extension, your Christian faith) behind? I know I'm posing more questions than answers here, but I hope you can see that the questions are intended to lead you to answers (of your own). Going back in the closet isn't easy as it sounds and even if it did happen, you wouldn't be able to remain there. We have gay men on this forum who attempted to re-enter the closet and close the door behind them by getting married and having kids, only to find themselves right back at square one some time later. Then we have gay men who tried to re-enter the closet by going through conversion therapy and finding later that nothing had changed, despite all of the torment and shaming of that process. The closet cannot hold us and once we're out of it we must stay out of it because going back is not and never can be an option. You've come this far and you've actually done very well, so give yourself credit and think about what's really causing residual problems. I would suggest there is a bit of residual shame working away inside of you.
