Hi, this is my first time on here. My life is mostly consumed with this man I am in love with. The situation wrecks me very often, and seems impossible, and at the same time I love this guy and want to be with him. I, however, am on the other side of this situation. I am gay, and I am perfectly accepting of myself, with no qualms about who I am. My guy, I'll name him DM, is the one who is trapped in the terror of who he is and what he wants to do about it. We have been seeing each other almost 9 months. It started as a sexual encounter, something he was doing secretly to just quench his desire for another man. He is 30 years old, has had sex with other men before me, and never had sex with a female. He has never been in any kind of relationship ever. Back in the beginning, he spoke of how his life plan would be to marry a woman and have kids and be 'normal'. He kind of steered the ride from the beginning, drawing me in and showing me interest, for about a month until I guess the fear of what was happening took over and he freaked out and tried to push me out of his life. That has happened a few times, but he never leaves. We ride this tumultuous rollercoaster. 9 months later we are still seeing each other, quite often, we speak every day, but to him it must be called 'friends' or 'buddies' or 'friends with benefits', any safe label he can use to not recognize that he is in a RELATIONSHIP with a man. After a while, things that were off the table initially were introduced and he became more comfortable.... kissing. spending the night. we went on vacation together. DM is extremely affectionate and touchy feely, and we have absolutely mind blowing sex, a few times a week. Sometimes he has tried to cut off the sex, and just be friends, but that never sticks. He does not want to live as a gay man because of family, upbringing, religion, and mostly the way he thinks his plan is supposed to be for his life. He acts very much like a robot concerning it, programmed, brainwashed, whatever you want to call it. I have spent all of this time just trying to ride the ride with him, and let him be where he is. It gets more difficult as he completely acts like my boyfriend, unless I start to talk about something or push the issue slightly, or tell him how he gives mixed signals. Then all hell breaks lose and he goes back to the system of how everything is labelled: 'We are friends', he 'doesn't feel anything for me beyond that', but his actions are real and speak completely differently. This wrecks my heart.... things are fine if I just go with his flow, on his terms, and don't mention anything about a relationship. We have discussed him talking to someone professionally about his dilemma, and he has agreed a couple times, but then won't do it. He still wants to just go on kind of denying things and keeping me around as his 'friend', and pretending like that is all it is. I tell him I love him, I try to help him come to terms with it, and I refuse to walk away because there is something great between us. And he doesn't walk away either although he has freaked out occasionally and says it would be easier. I have never been in any situation like this in my life. Anyone have feedback, experience, strength, or hope for me?