Vulnerability...

I’ve gotta keep going because I don’t have a choice... when I typed this above I had to take a moment. These words caused me to have a bit of a wave of emotions. I had to ask myself why? Not because I wanted to... but because my therapist said I had to allow myself to fell my emotions and try and understand them.

What was it about this that cause me to start crying when I typed it out? I guess it’s because the sexual abuse stole my sexuality for so long. It’s why I hid from myself and the world. So when it bubbled up I felt like I’d lost control of my life and had no choice but sort it out to get control of it again. To take control of my sexuality for the first time. Now looking back at all of this... how my family responded, how I grow up thinking my problems were secondary to everyone else’s, etc. All of these things have stolen a part of me... it’s like I thought the walls were guarding and protecting my heart. Keeping it safe. When in reality it was shattered all this time and I’ve just looked it away and built so much up around it so I would not remember it is broken and wouldn’t have to deal with it.

That’s why I have no choice. I’ve lost control, or the control I thought I had, and I have to get it back. The only way to do that is get back in there and try and piece my heart back together...

I don’t know if this makes sense... it’s seems like a complete mess. But right now so am I, so it’s fitting!

 

I am gland it makes some sense because I didn’t know how to explain it. I’m a very visual person so often it’s little easier to picture things than describe them...

I guess like weight loss it’s gonna be kinda hard to see the results during the process at times too. I mean because I’m with me every day... but I will say today I have noticed a spring in my step. Even though I’ve been sick, I do feel a bit better all things considered.

Yesterday, when I posted my lost comment, it was kinda an eye opening moment. I’m really excited about therapy next week to share that with my therapist. I’m one of those people who likes to see a problem. Identify an issue and to know what I’m trying to fix. Yesterday afternoon I realized that my being guarded, my fear of vulnerability, wasn’t to protect my heart but to hide its damage and that was a big deal. Now I have to figure out how to piece it back together, and then not be sacred of people seeing the flaws... but at least I know. At least there is a goal!

 

Tonight was my birthday get together. My birthday isn’t till Monday, but a group of us got together tonight for dinner and a movie. We had the best time laughing and just enjoying ourselves. It was all the younger crowd (family) so it was very inappropriate and just a blast. The older group is doing dinner Monday lol.

Well... I finally got something I’ve wanted for three years. My rainbow cake! It was amazing and I was so exited and surprised. I was totally expecting not to have a cake honestly because I didn’t make one. But then I found out my sister was bringing one. I still had no idea it was a rainbow cake... loved it! Here’s a couple pics



So on to the movie. We watched Captain Marvel which I really enjoyed. I can’t go into too many details because I don’t want to post spoilers. I will say how crazy it is that we can draw parallels from a movie like that to our personal life. I’m probably the only person getting emotional at the start of the movie when they are discussing vulnerability and how our emotions can be our weakness.... it’s a theme throughout the movie and I gotta say I really enjoy how it played out.

Well after the movie my brother in law, sister, and myself went to grab coffee and talk. I don’t get to spend much time with them alone and we are very close. I wanted to just have some time to talk. I decided to share with them what’s going on. I did it in a very detached way, but I did it. I explained some of what I’ve been discussing here and how I’ve been feeling. My sister (a social worker) literally used some of the exact words @Chip has said and my therapist. Literally word for word.... I’m pretty sure y’all all talk to each other because there’s no way y’all are all saying the same thing like that without talking (I’m joking). Though when I did mention this to my sister she took off the therapy hat and just talked like my sister which is what I wanted lol. It was nice to talk to them about my family because she knows and sees how things are. So it’s just nice to have that.

All in all... it was a good evening and I’m happy I survived admitting I do have feelings lol even though I didn’t show them. I did say they were there.

 

I swear y’all must. We did talk about our parents, and how mom seemed to find a reason that what ever the issue was it was important that I keep my emotions in check because the situation was impacting someone else more. She did say I’ll never change mom, but I can change how I respond. Mainly my internal voice, this is not ok and I can have my feelings. She also said she appreciated what I do for mom and my grandma but wants me to start working on an exit plan lol she thinks my “mental health will improve greatly” when I have some distance and a chance to surround myself with people I am safe to be me with.

I was so nervous... I’d thought about it for two days and went back and forth. Like I said I don’t get to see them that often alone. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it on the night of my party... but I knew I wanted to. So I text her yesterday I was gonna catch her up let’s grab coffee after without anyone else. This way I couldn’t chicken out. I still felt distant from it all, so I know there is plenty of work to be done. I’m happy though that I was able to let her know what’s going on. It’s not resolved... and I shared it... even the my heart is shattered bit, which I think really shocked her and my brother in law. Baby steps!

 

Just crawled back in my bed. Got woke up around 4 because my grandma was struggling, so went down to visit. Not sure if I’ve mentioned here, but she’s on hospice. She fell on Sunday and since it’s been horrible. If there’s not a major change it could be any time we lose her. The stress on our family is crazy...

Now, this is gonna sound horrible. Yesterday was my birthday... a week before my birthday is the day my dad (stepdad) passed and 5 days after is when my grandfather passed. Now this? So my birthday month is kinda cursed I think... I hate that because it’s also the month that I came out to my ex so between my birthday and coming out I love March. But it’s such a bad month for my family too...

Second part that makes me a selfish prick is my mom lives with my grandma. I know when she passes, my mom is gonna want me to stay with her. Well that’s not a big deal right now, but I can’t do that forever. I want my own life and that means I don’t want to be responsible for taking care of my mom for the rest of my life. I love her soooooo much and will always be there for her... but I don’t want to be a care giver forever. That sounds awful...

Between my grandma slipping away, looking at a future that’s kinda damned if I do damned if I don’t, and dealing with all this shit from my past... I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to hold on much longer!

 

This is what my therapists said. It’s hard thing to change that inner voice that’s kinda been part of me since forever... everyone else first then you. Today my grandmother said, “I put myself on the back burner my entire life. I thought that’s what your suppose to do, and now I know I was wrong. Don’t keep doing that!” I was shocked...

That’s like one of the things I’m best at hahahahaha I’m joking... ish! I’m working on this for sure.

I have said this same thing three times today to three different people about what’s going on. Like mom asked what is she gonna do... I said breathe! I don’t know why I forget to say it to myself...

 

So today I had therapy. With what’s going on with my grandma things were a bit all over the place. My therapist insists I keep a thoughts log... it’s kinda to try and show me where my anxiety kicks in and how to change the thought process I guess.

I shared with her that I kinda filled my sister in on what’s going on. She was very excited and I said it was still in a detached way... she quickly corrected me for discrediting it.

Something I’ve not shared here is that yesterday I spent some time with my cousin. He’s great, and we got to talk. He brought up the fact I never do anything for myself. Well we talked for a long time yesterday and I decided to open up about some stuff. I told him about what was up with therapy... he asked. And he didn’t know about the abuse stuff so I filled him in... I didn’t realize he didn’t know. I shared with him the problems I have with the last person and the guilt... I was surprised that he was very insightful in things he said. It was nice to talk with someone in my world about this stuff. I wasn’t emotional or anything but again it was kinda like letting a bit of air out of a balloon you’ve blown up too much.

 

I’m trying to recognize the progress because I for sure feel it’s there. It’s diffcult not picking it a part when I fall short or comparing to how I think it should be based on advice and therapy.

It’s weird because I’m so emotional when I’m
alone but the second someone is around I’m either happy and warm or ice cold. There’s no other temputure.

This is another hard thing to do at the moment. With my grandma so close to passing (unless something massive changes it can be any day), someone has to keep it together. So that’s me! Everyone else is so emotional. I mean tears and and all. She’s calling out for my grandfather who passed three years ago tomorrow. This is where the switch comes in handy for sure... I can just keep it in and step away and cry alone for a few minutes, cold compress, and vision and no one knows.

 

Well it’s been an extremely hard weekend. I’m exhausted! My grandmother was non responsive for 8 hours Friday afternoon and evening. Since she has been very agitated and seems to be in pain. We are trying everything we can to make her comfortable. It’s just getting hard... all of us are tired. I mean I am only down her about 14 to 17 hours a day. Then go home (which is like 100 yards away so I’m not really gone), shower, crawl in bed and pray for sleep. Every single noise wakes me though. The dog barks, the wind blows... I’m straight up grabbing my phone. Last night no lie I was up 10 times. I don’t feel like I’ve slept in a week... and no idea how long this is going to go on. I just wish she’d get better... one way or the other I want her out of pain!

The emotional side has shut down completely. I was talking with someone and apologized for a delay and said things were stressful and I’m exhausted... that it’s sounds awful but I really wish I could have a day of rest, and maybe fun... they said your human that’s not awful... my response: well partially human. I feel like I’m going through the motions honestly. I’m kinda numb and just on aufo pilot at the moment.... I mean someone has to keep it together and I’m use to be that one so I’m ok with that.

This is a random update unrelated to anything... I’m not even sure why I posted it. I guess I’ve noticed I’ve been taking more things personally than I should. I’ve reading more EC because of needing a distraction... and it’s odd to see things that I feel are negative and could be applied to me. I mean I’m fairly honest lol except with emotion as we know, and I like to make sure everyone is on the same page when it comes to relationships and sex. I think boundaries and guidelines are a good thing. But generalizations have gotten to me over the last few day... and it’s not just here. I snapped a bit on social media when I saw the third post comparing the Cardi B drama to the Cosby case! Rape and robbery are very different. Normally I avoid wading into topics I think could cause me added stress but lately I’ve been ready to pop off it seems and that’s not good! I’m wound tighter than a top!

Then there’s the fact that I’ve also came so close to lining up three hook ups. All new guys and very possibly gonna happen. The only reason they haven’t went trough is I’ve not had the time! Soooo I’m clearly losing my grip... because I’ve been trying to avoid this till I finish sorting out some issues. I’m ready to just find a distraction from what’s happening and feel alive I guess... not a good recipe...

And, if I don’t sound crazy enough, I almost deleted this because I’m like people aren’t reading this and the couple who are... well they are so over my crazy! So this is my mess.... how can I be wound up and unraveling all at the same time?

 

It’s weird because before this I felt I’d found the switch. I had a handle on the on off... now it’s kinda lost and I guess I’m freaking out a bit at the thought. I mean it’s like when the lights go out at your house and you know where the switch is... except now I feel like I’m not at my house and I’m stumbling... it’s hard to explain. I think that’s why I’ve been over sensitive here, a bit withdrawn and paranoid, and looking for connection on the Pokeagay Go app...

So when I get here they normally have her up getting ready for breakfast or already ate. I fix breakfast for the family and take it to them, clean the kitchen from the night (they dirty some dishes at night let me tell you lol I always leave a clean kitchen and come to a dirty one haha) then I’ll sit with her a couple hours... I wait on the hospice nurse and listen to their assessment and talk with them. Then it’s time to make lunch for everyone. After that I’ll do all the contacts for the family to update... this can take a while (I also man the phone the entire day so they don’t have to), I try and do my walk/jog but haven’t had time each day so I at least go and feed the fish and watch the gator for some breath. I come back and do dinner and clean the kitchen. In between I sit with her when I need to, play buffer/body guard with all visitors, pick up meds, do errands, etc. this is my day.

When I opened this read I’d just got back from getting meds. I had to put the phone down to make my grandmas dinner and sit her up. Then when I came back to it the hospice nurse called me (directly on my cell) to discuss medicine changes. Now I’m back in and about to do dinner for everyone and still have a few texts and calls to make. I don’t really have the option to only be here a couple hours. My day is full and I can’t leave this for them to do. I am the point guy at the moment you know.

There’s just no time for me you know... it’s not a burden I fell like I’m making it sound like a burden. I did this with my grandfather too. I’ve helped with my dad (step dad) uncles, great grans... it’s just what I’ve done because I can and will! It is like you don’t sleep when someone is dying... there isn’t time! You know. I feel guilty going home and turning on Will & Grace to sleep, or going on my walk... it seems selfish honestly to take that time...

 

This was such a great thing to say. I’m a very visual person so this makes sense. Honestly I’ve been freaking out that I wouldn’t find it again and you’re right... I just need to take a moment and give myself a break. Let everything catch up and I’ll get it back in the road!

It’s hard for sure. Not everyone can do it. I’m thankful for the time I had with my grandfather, dad (stepdad) and now my grandmother. These memories I will have forever. They aren’t perfect because of what’s going on but there are little treasure in them that I will cherish forever. I feel bad for people who don’t get that.

It’s heavy I’m not gonna lie and draining. I often have thoughts (very selfish I feel) longing for a normal day. Where I could clock in to a job, clock out, go out with friends, go home hit the bed and know tomorrow was gonna be the same. I don’t have that and it seems very luxurious at times. But like I said I don’t like thinking of this as a burden, it’s an honor.

I say this way too much... but I do feel guilty finding comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this. I hate that you’ve struggled with anxiety. I hate that your husband went through such a horrible time that’s where the guilt comes in. Because I know how both of those things sucks... but it is nice knowing I’m not alone or completely crazy I guess.

We’ve had a couple people bring stuff. Most of it is for me to cook though, which I don’t mind. Cooking is relaxing to me. I love cooking. Plus it’s the most intimate thing you can do for everyone in your life. You put your heart, soul, love in the food... but I am doing better at making larger batches so I’m not cooking but two meals. Breakfast and dinner.

This is something I hadn’t thought about. I’m doing this for sure! I could do the group text and that will save tome for sure

Well... I mean if I’m going to hell anyway... lol I’m joking I should do this at least for the over night stuff so there’s not a sink load when I come down in the morning. I can keep up with the dishes during the day pretty easily.

This is hard for me! Always has been. I love getting a thank you or a good job for some stuff. Like work project, or competition or acting stuff, or an awesome gift. But if it’s somethng I feel you should do... it’s awkward and hard for me to accept any kinda of thank you, pat on the back, appreciation, etc. I just feel strange when people acknowledge me being a decent person... it’s like that’s what you’re suppose to do! I don’t know it’s odd... I literally freeze up and get all awkward and people notice... it’s like I lose my mind in a minute I literally have no idea how to respond. I try and say something like no problem or your welcome or thank you back to them... but it’s very uncomfortable and weird.

This is kinda unfair lol I mean it’s like telling someone to stop being hard on themselves for being over weight or stop saying they aren’t attractive when they are. You can say that to someone else all day and mean it. But saying it to yourself... just not possible. You know. I would say the same things you’ve said though to answer the question. Take time for yourself, make them help more, be proud of what you're doing, etc.

Thanks for all the support and cheering on it really does help honestly!

 

I did for real roll my eyes and actually laughed out loud. The idea of actually asking for something lol it’s kinda funny. I mean my sister or brother will call and ask if we need something from the store. I’ll say I have a short list but can go get it when they get here... they will insist which is good. It saves me a trip. Though I feel bad having them have to stop and do the shop. But literally everyone else will get... I sure will! As the answer to if you need something let us know.

Me I never ask someone that question. I go to the hospital with coffee for the family, or I swing by the house with some goodies (I always call to ask if I can stop by I don’t just show up). But I never say if you need something let me know. Because I know they need stuff and I know they aren’t gonna take the time to reach out. So I just do it. I don’t expect others to... and I’m not saying that in a rude way. I just mean everyone is wired differently and that’s kinda my first thought. I gotta swing by the hospital. I don’t have anything I’ll stop at Starbucks and get some lattes and goodies to take up to the family... my brain definitely doesn’t work like a lot of people’s I know....

Because I don’t want attention. Which is weird because I’m talking about it here. I actually have nearly deleted every post to do with this. The only reason I haven’t is I promised myself I wouldn’t censor this thread any longer. So me down playing my role gives a pass to everyone to over look me at the moment. I’d rather be invisible really. Working in the shadows and background. Making things easier for everyone else and not being seen while doing it. I’m not sure I’m making much sense... I hope I am!