Vulnerability...

They just end up being a lot longer than intended and the idea of anyone having to take the time to read all of this just really is... I don’t know. I appreciate you guys who have. It means a lot!

I’m afraid she’s gonna enjoy that point of the bullet list a little too much. She was already saying the things I just wasn’t listening, now I’m listening and she’s making me respond (about deflecting and stopping a thought to try and reframe it). But she knows how scared I am about going into uncomfortable areas so she had a grounding technique thing ready for me. Basically it’s a mental check list (and everything is really right there). Find: 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste. It was extremely helpful in kinda bringing me back to where I could get a handle on myself.

Now that you mention it. She’s actually has brought up something.... she’s said nothing you say is going to shock me. I laughed about it and said you don’t know what all crazy is back there. She then said... well I actually worked in the prison system for a while and I can promise you I’ve heard just about everything. Don’t use that as a reason not to share! So I guess she kinda did do the whole this is a place you can say anything...

This reminded me of a scene from the movie Baby Mama. When she runs the guy off on the first date talking about wanting a baby... I don’t know why it did. I know it’s not something to worry about anytime soon. It’s just very different than before. When I was “straight” I ”was saving myself for marriage” so dating and all was very different. Now... sex and dating are not even the connected lol I mean I’ve never dated a guy but I’ve had plenty of sex. The point is when I start dating there is going to be a level of intimacy and this is going to be back there. It’s just a weird situation in my head I don’t know how I’m going to approach it yet. But like I said I don’t have to worry about that at the moment.

It’s a jumble of anger honestly. I am angry I didn’t respond different when I was a kid. That makes up a lot of it. Then I’m angry at my adult self for being angry at my kid self for what happened because it was not my kid self’s fault. If I heard an adult say another adult had responsibility in abuse... it’d take everything in me not to punch them in the face. So I basically want to punch myself in the face all the time for being angry that I didn’t handle it differently. Not to mention being angry about the other strong feelings I have regarding the abuse... it makes me sound even crazier than I am but that’s what it is. My thoughts are going through both minds... mine today and the inner child who was abused. And they don’t really match up.

I feel like I’m missing the end one?

 

I’m not sure what this means? I’m sorry I fell completely ridiculous saying that...

 

So tonight was the party and I was around people I’ve not seen in over a year. I was very anxious about going.

My paternal grandparents were there and I think it’s been two years since I’ve seen them. When I came out things didn’t go well at all. I don’t know why I took it so hard, my uncle who is gay has been being treated that way for 25+ years. I guess my grandfather had made such an effort to include me after dad told him (he was hoping it would shame me back in the closet if he outed me) that when I sat down to talk with him I felt blindsided when he was so nasty...

My dad was there. I saw him around Christmas. But we don’t speak unless it’s at something of my brother’s. Again a lot has to do with my coming out. The door isn’t closed. They just have to make the effort. They don’t... so it is what it is. Though dad has said he doesn’t believe I was ever molested... which is interesting since he was involved in the process with the cops and all the first go around.

Honestly I am very happy things went as well as it did! I’m pissed no one said how amazing I looked because I looked good! I mean I’ve lost like over 60 lbs since seeing some, and 30 since seeing most. There’s no way they didn’t notice... jealous b*****s lol I’m joking but it went amazingly well all things considered. I’m taking the day off from dealing with the other because I was focused on surviving this.

 

@Lexa Wow! I can barely speak English. I gotta do better. That’s one of the things about living in America that drives me crazy. We aren’t really encouraged to learn other languages and all. I mean they say to and I took 6 years of Spanish in school but I can speak it. I could not then either. It’s like we just expect everyone to understand us... it’s crazy! I’ve actually started studying Spanish again trying to learn it... it’s not going well lol but I’m determined to be able to speak another language one day. I was just confused by what a topic of the TS meant...

 

Thanks Jon
Honestly once it all started (Tuesday will be two weeks ago wow) I realized the only way to move is through this forward. So I’m gonna keep pushing till I reach the other end. Y’alls encouraging words has been so much help and I appreciate every bit of it!

 

It’s raining this morning and that’s fiting. I woke up crying. Last night was major success and I was so nervous about it all that for a moment I’d forgetton the date. At 11:34 last night I was posting on a wall and typed that “tomorrow is two years ago my dad (step-dad) passed away. So I went to sleep very aware of this... it was on my mind sleeping and so naturally that’s what my dreams were filled with. I miss him so much. He was a great dad and an amazing man.

When I was 4 and mom told him (from the toilet bowl she was throwing up in) what had happened to me... he turned around and walked away. Mom jumped up and went after him. I didn’t understand what was going on but I guess she saw a look on his face that scared her. I of course followed them. He went to the living unlocked the gun cabinet and grab a rifle... Mom was saying no we are gonna call the cops he didn’t say a word and went to the door. Luckily the pastor and pastor’s wife of the church we went to was on the other side and the pastor asked him where he was going with that gun. He saw all the emotion and knew something was up. So they talked him down of course. But I never felt unsafe around him. He was always one of the very, very few men I felt completely comfortable around because I knew he’d protect me I guess. He was my Superman and I miss him so bad today!

The last guy (I want to say kid because he was like 15 but I don’t want it to sound like we were both 6 it’s so confusing), who was the only one who did it multiply times, was related to my step-dad. I was always scared if he found out what would happen. Would he not believe me and believe the guy? That would destroy me! Would he believe me and try to kill the guy? I mean because he did it a lot more than the old man, and I don’t think I could handle being responsible for something like that too. Would he believe me but find a way to make an excuse? And then I’d lose my dad on top of everything I’d already lost... I was terrified of him finding out honestly.

I don’t know how I’ve made the day I should be thinking about him about me... but it seems the center child syndrome has effectively struck again and I’ve accoplished it. I think I’m gonna go to Huddle House for a cup of coffee. He gave me my first cup when I was in 1st grade at a Huddle House and I got a coffee cup tattooed on my wrist after he passed. So I’ll go share a cup with him today! If I can stop blurbing long enough to be seen in public...

 

Today I had another therapy session. It was after I had a session with my psychiatrist, that was more of a maintenance with her. Though therapist had informed her of where we were. I require a team you see lol.

Well anyway, today’s session was horrible. The check list I gave last week should not have included: hold me accountable. She called me out on deflecting from the beginning of the session.

Well she checked in on the party and we chatted about that. I figured I was safe and that’s where we’d stay. We did for an entire minute. Then the conversation turned.

I explained how my thoughts are all jumbled because on one hand I feel some responsibility for the abuse and all, while on the other I know that’s ridiculous because of the age and all. So she wanted me to admit it wasn’t my fault...

I told her I couldn’t do that. I didn’t feel it in my heart and I couldn’t lie. Well I was crying. So I had already explained I’d want to punch someone in the face if they blamed a victim for a sexual assault for any reason. It’s just not cool. So she asked if I was talking to another person who had shared their story with me would I have any issues telling them it was not their fault. This really really upset me. I kinda lost it. Because I felt it was very unfair. I mean I don’t judge others, I don’t do that. It offended me... like because I feel this way about me, I must feel this way about others? I really lost it!

It took me a minute to pull myself together but I did end up whispering it wasn’t my fault by the end...

At the end of the session I felt like I’d ran a marathon. I’m exhausted and no we are no where near done. I hate crying in front of people and cried the whole time. It’s uncomfrotable and I hate it.... I’ll be back in there next week.

I know it’s a long road... it’s gonna be a hard road... and I feel completely alone...

 

She is awful! I told her this today, of course I was laughing when I said it and crying from the conversation. She’s great honestly. I like her energy and she gets my humor which is plus.

It was extremely intense and not a pleasant experience. I’ve never left therapy feeling like this. I normally feel like I’ve been uplifted... lately I’ve been torn down!

I spent most of yesterday crying. Now today I’ve cried several times... how much more can be up in there?

It really is weird thinking back. I was very upset... offended, it felt like such a f***ing insult and a very low blow. I may have to apologize next week because I’ve been replaying it in my head and I think my reaction may have been a bit intense. I mean I was not screaming or swearing or anything. I just said that is not a fair thing to ask me and I am very upset about that... I’m not even answering that. In a very stern matter of fact way before I broke down into tears all over again.

I don’t mind crying... I like crying. In my room, or a bathroom, or on my walks, or in my car. When I’m alone... I don’t like crying in front of anyone. It feels very uncomfortable. Like I’m giving them some kinda power over me. Some kind of upper ground and I don’t like that.

This has been me for two weeks... I get up because I have to. I eat because everyone else is and you're suppose to. The only thing I do I want to do is my walks... I’ve walked a blister on the bottom of my foot... it’s crazy!

The last three sessions have gotten harder and harder with each one. I’m assuming one day it’ll get easier.

 

So I’ve been working on this post on and off all day. It was gonna be a direct reply to @Chip commets above. It kinda just morphed.

It’s been another emotional day. It seems I can cry at the drop of a hat. I guess it makes sense because I’ve not really let myself feel these emotions all these years... it’s just draining!

My go to when I show emotion and all is to apologize. That’s why I often slip in a sorry here. For it being long or even just for dumping this on you guys. Which I do feel bad about both! I don’t feel like I upset my therapist the last session or crossed any line. I’ve honestly just been concerned I made her extremely uncomfortable and that bothers me.

I’ve had some good distractions trough out the day that’s kinda brought some relief. I’ve torn my room apart and doing spring cleaning. It’s a mess but in the next day or 2 every nook and cranny will be cleaned. Conversations with friends have also been a life saver.

This after noon I was driving to town to pick up a few things. I tend to sing in my car rather than turn on the radio. My songs lately have been extremely depressing. Today the song from Disney’s Mulan just came out. And again the tears flowed. I use to sit in my room and sing that song and cry. I feel ridiculous saying this... no more ridiculous than the blubbering mess driving through town... but the words really do speak to how I’ve felt most of my life. Like the person I see is not who I really am. I can’t be me because I have to be what my family needs me to be... it’s crazy I know.

I’m exhausted and honestly wish I could just sleep till all this was over. The only time I have some peace of mind is when I’m asleep! I’m afraid it’s gonna be another slow week till the next session!

 

It’s like I need to be reprogrammed. But I will try and make a very conscious effort to correct this thought process.

Very true... again I just hate being the one pulling someone into the shadows. But again I’m gonna work on this entire thing.

I’m not sure if you watched Glee. But in the first season there is a clip of Emma in the car singing along to the radio and song All by Myself... that’s how I looked today. Trust me it was crazy lol but I get what your saying. I’m just not use to not having complete control over these things... I’m not sure I like the out of control feeling. (I talk about shows and movies way to much) In the movie Practical Magic Nichole Kidman’s character discribes falling in love like spinning around in a circle really fast, and if you don’t pick a spot to focus on you’ll lose your balance and fall. Well I’m feeling that now... I think that’s why I’ve focused on my walking/jogging everyday. It’s the one spot I can keep my eyes on.

 

I can’t tell you how much all of y’alls support means to me. And you know appreciate the prayers so much

 

It really feels that way. I’m worried at some point the whole damn building is going to collapse. I know when it’s over I’ll be better off. But the process is... well it’s just very unfair! I know life isn’t fair. I get that! But I mean at some point you gotta wonder what the hell is going on. I’m gonna keep going because I have no choice...

And I don’t feel strong. I feel the exact opposite actually. Not because of the tears (well maybe the amount of them) but just because where I’m at I guess. How did I let myself end up here?

I do feel like seeing that is progress for sure. Now I have to figure out how to fix it! I guess just one step at a time. Try and correct myself when I see myself doing it... I don’t know.