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Very, very confused.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by James457, Jul 21, 2022.

  1. James457

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2022
    Messages:
    1
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    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi all,
    First ever post here and I don’t think I’m necessarily looking for any advice. I just feel ready to get this off my chest as it’s been causing me a lot of pain for a long time.

    as a background, I am 24 years old, a trans man (FTM), fully identify as male and have been out as trans since I was 18. I have been with my girlfriend for this entire time too. So she has been with me through my entire transition to male and after all treatment, surgeries etc.

    As a very “tomboy girl” growing up, I was automatically labelled as a lesbian and bullied for it. I knew this wasn’t right as I fancied a lot of guys growing up. But I went with it, because I knew I was different. I just didn’t quite realise I was different in the sense of my gender. I had many girlfriends over the years, I dabbled on dating sites with talking to men, but because of my natural masculine look, the feelings were never reciprocated.
    Fast forward to 18, when I met my now girlfriend. Still living as female at this point, she helped me come out and transition. She identifies as bisexual and she helped me realise I also may be bisexual too. I haven’t told anyone this besides her and one of my closest friends. I don’t like talking about it, because it doesn’t feel the right label for me, not that I have told her that.

    anyway, getting to the point of this post. in the last few months, I have had this niggling thought in my head, that maybe I am in fact more gay/ have a preference for men. I don’t really know and this is where the confusion is coming in. I do love my girlfriend, She has helped me through so much, she’s also not from the same country as me but has moved here to be with me, with not family around. Part of me feels obliged to stay with her even though deep down I know I want to explore my feelings I feel for men. I do love her and I love being with her and I couldn’t actually imagine being with another person. We do have sex, I am able to get turned on by her, but by no other woman. I think the problem I face is, I want to experience those things with men, but I can’t ever experience any of it now i am in a fully committed relationship. I have had many crushes on guys in the last few years, more so since becoming confident in my gender identity. And I have a LOT of sexual thoughts too. i watch gay porn a lot, it’s the only time I will watch. I find myself looking at the topless men around me and getting excited too. I the entire idea of being with a man excites me. I had a few hook ups with men before I met my girlfriend, but obviously this was before my transition. It’s like, a part of my just feels really sad I won’t ever get to experience sex with a man, as a man. I don’t think I would ever want to date a man, but again, I don’t feel I am able to process that as again, it’s something I won’t ever be able to experience.

    i just, I wanted to get this off my chest and share it with people who may have had similar experiences. I’m not really looking for any advice necessarily, just to get this off my chest. I don’t think I could ever be in a position I could end things to pursue these thoughts, and like I said I do love her. But how can I ever fully understand myself and my sexuality and deal with these thoughts that I so want to become a reality, without being able to.

    Thankyou for letting me share.